Lexa's Morning After
Lincoln goes back downstairs to find a frantic Lexa. Lexa bumps into him on his way to the living room.
“No luck yet?” Lexa asks worriedly and suddenly Lincoln hates that he has to tell Lexa this. Lexa never shows emotions and he fears this is going to break this sudden burst of progress.
“Actually I found Clarke.” Lincoln says, trying to act casual but it’s really hard when Lexa’s face shows so much worry and affection on it than he ever has seen before.
“Where is she?” Lexa’s face lights up at the news.
“Laurel said she’s crashing in her room tonight. Pretty sure she’s already asleep. Maybe she had one too many or something.” Lincoln throws the last sentence in to try and reassure Lexa that the girl she may or may not have feelings for wasn’t hooking up with her sister. Lexa’s face falls though. You can see the exact moment the light that Clarke Griffin has brought to her life drains from her body. She looks tired, emotionally exhausted.
“Oh.” Lexa says it so sadly. Lincoln really feels for her, but she did push away Clarke after that kiss. The blonde probably is confused too. Hell, Lincoln is confused and he’s not even a part of this.
“Well hey that’s good, Laurel deserves a hot girl in her bed every now and then too. Am I right?” Lexa cringes as the bitter words leave her mouth like venom but it’s how she deals with things. She smirks and puts on her asshole facade. It’s how she survives. Love is weakness after all.
“Lex-” Lincoln tries but Lexa waves him off.
“I’m going to get another beer.” Lexa smiles and walks away but it’s all a facade. Inside, she feels like her heart is crumbling. Her body feels hot in the worst possible of ways. Her throat feels tight and her stomach sick. Did they sleep together? Who is she kidding, they probably did. Laurel is so kind and sweet. She’s nothing like Lexa. Why would anyone want her when they could have Laurel? People go to Lexa for meaningless sex. People go to Laurel for love. Lexa isn’t cut out to be loved. She’s known it ever since she was a kid when her parents would ignore her presence.
Eleven Years Ago
“Mummy! Daddy! I made you a present.” Lexa runs down the stairs to her parents who are sitting in the living room, sipping on some wine.
“Charles, that girl is giving me a migraine.” Her mother, Beatrice, says annoyed at her daughter’s very presence.
Charles rolls his eyes. “Alright Alexandria, just give it here.” The tall dark haired man grabs the drawing from her hands and throws it on the table. Her father is not mean like her mother. Instead, he just chooses to ignore her presence for the most part.
Lexa’s eyes fill with tears. Even at 6 years old, Lexa can tell her parents don’t like her very much. They are so dismissive and cold to her. But still, ever so loving Lexa keeps pouring out her love to people who treat her horribly.
“What kind of garbage did she draw now?” Beatrice mumbles before she drinks her wine. Lexa hears her of course.
“I-I just wanted to make a pretty picture of you and D-daddy.” Lexa hiccups and sobs. Charles rolls his eyes again.
“Jesus Christ. Beatrice, you’re always making that girl cry!” Charles grumbles.
“Laurel, honey.” Beatrice’s voice is much softer. She’s always nicer when she’s speaking to Laurel. Laurel with her big glasses and hair in a cute little french braid walks in.
“Hi Mommy.” Laurel says with a smile until she sees Lexa crying. She runs over to her sister immediately and envelops her in a tight hug.
“Hi, my little darling. Your sister is having a moment again. Can you take her upstairs?” Beatrice is so much nicer to Laurel.
“Yes Mommy.” Laurel says as she hushes Lexa, trying to soothe her little sister.
“They’re so mean to me.” Lexa whines as she cries into Laurel’s pajama shirt.
“Mommys and Daddys aren’t suppose to do that.” Laurel says. She doesn’t get how her parents (specifically, their mother) are so cruel to Lexa but so nice to her. What did Lexa ever do?
“They love you. Why can’t they love me too?” Lexa hysterically cries and Laurel rocks her back and forth until she falls asleep. When Lexa finally falls into sleep from pure exhaustion, she tucks her in and kisses her forehead. Laurel swears on that day that she will always be her little sister’s protector. But for Lexa, that day is the first memory she has to show that she doesn’t deserve love. And it’s been the catalyst for Lexa’s issues with emotions to this very day.
Lexa sits in the backyard by herself and drinks a beer. Nobody in their right mind would pick her over Laurel. Why was she so stupid to think otherwise? She was so stupid and now her heart is aching for the blonde in her sister’s bed.
A few girls try to come up and talk to her but she waves them away. For the first time in a long time, she’s just not in the mood. Her energy is drained. She always shuts off her emotions but this is too much. Lexa sits in the backyard alone for the rest of the night, drinking herself into a stupor. Lincoln eventually convinces her to call it a night and he helps her back to a guest room. She refused to sleep in her own room as it’s right next to Laurel’s room and she didn’t want to accidentally hear anything. Lexa falls asleep dreaming of blue eyes and how desperately she wishes that she would be the one waking up to the sight of those eyes and not her sister.
///
Lexa wakes up the next morning with a killer headache. She obviously didn’t drink enough water like her sister always reminds her. For a second, she doesn’t remember that Clarke (probably) slept with Laurel last night. All she remembers is that beautiful kiss that haunted her dreams. Then it all floods back to her. Costia. Clarke. Clarke and Laurel.
Lexa sheds one single tear before she shuts down her emotions and wipes her cheek. She sits up too quickly and the room gets very dizzy. She runs into the attached bathroom and throws up. She lays her head on the toilet and closes her eyes, feeling like she’s going to be sick again. Except she’s not sure if she’s sick because of the alcohol or because of Clarke and Laurel. Maybe it’s a little bit of both.
Eventually Lexa forces herself up and brushes her teeth. She takes a long shower and the hot water soothes her muscles. Lexa washes her face and then stares at herself in the mirror. She shakes her head in disgust and goes to get changed.
When she gets downstairs, Lincoln and Octavia are already up and sitting on the kitchen bar stools.
“I see Lincoln made his famous pancakes.” Lexa says with a smile on her face. She might be heartbroken and insanely jealous on the inside but she’s not going to let anyone see that side of her. Only Laurel has seen her fully vulnerable and she can’t exactly go to her about this.
“Hi Lexa. How are you feeling?” Lincoln is acting normal and for that, Lexa is eternally grateful. She wouldn’t have been able to take it if Lincoln looked at her with pity. Lexa Woods always gets the girl...for sex. But I guess when it comes to love, she falls short.
“Hungover and in need of sustenance.” Lexa grumbles out and Octavia chuckles.
“Here. Grab some bacon too. They grease will help.” Octavia pushes a plate toward Lexa.
The three of them eat in silence until Octavia speaks up.
“Maybe we should wake up Clarke and Laurel.” Octavia says naively. Lexa’s tenses at the words and shuts her eyes tightly. She’s trying not to run away. She’s trying not to be stupid but it’s so damn hard when images of Clarke and Laurel flash in her mind. She thinks she’s gonna be sick again.
“No need. We’re up.” Laurel says as the two walk in the kitchen. Lexa’s eyes shoot up to observe the pair. Clarke is dressed in Laurel’s clothes. Lexa wishes that she was dressed in her clothes. She could imagine Clarke wearing her basketball jersey to sleep. She would give Clarke a comfy pair of sweats and her varsity sweatshirt to wear in the morning and she would shower her with good morning kisses. These are of course thoughts that nobody will ever hear out of Lexa’s Woods mouth.
Clarke’s hair is wet and so is her sister’s. So they took a shower. Did they shower together? The thought makes the bile rise up in Lexa’s throat. She looks at Clarke who is avoiding her gaze while she gathers a copious amount of bacon on her plate. She looks over to Laurel who is worriedly staring at her with a hint of knowing in her eyes. Laurel couldn’t possibly know she has feelings for Clarke...could she?
Then it hits her. Laurel has a fucking hickey on her neck. A big red hickey is there just taunting Lexa. It’s a cruel cruel joke. She can’t even escape this torture in her own house.
“Fun night?” Octavia winks at Laurel and Clarke. Lexa feels sick to her stomach again. Clarke’s face pales and she bites her lip. Octavia narrows her eyes at her.
“Oh my god Clarke! You have a fucking hickey!.” My head whips so fast I swear I almost broke my neck. Clarke blushes a little and looks up into Lexa's eyes. Lexa gulps. There’s so much emotion in them, I can’t tell what she’s trying to convey to me.
“No I don’t O. Stop it.” Clarke says quietly and Laurel places her hand on Clarke’s back. It’s a friendly show of support, but Lexa sees it differently. For Lexa, it seems like a lover’s intimate touch.
“So does Laurel. Clarke Griffin! Did you lose your virginity last night?!” Octavia claps her hands excitedly like a seal. The hungover basketball player chokes on her bacon. Laurel and Lincoln look at Lexa with eyes of pity and she just can't take it. Lincoln whispers for Octavia to stop talking. The dark haired girl looks over to Lexa with confusion evident in her eyes.
Lexa speeds out of there so fast that she didn’t even get to hear Clarke’s answer. She couldn’t bear hearing her say yes though. Lexa didn’t even know she was a virgin. And now she’s slept with her sister...probably. Who is Lexa kidding? Of course she did. She can hear Laurel calling my name but she doesn't slow down. Lexa grabs her shoes and keys and hops onto her bike. She just can’t be here right now.