Chapter XXII
"Lex?"
No response.
"Hey," Clarke puts her sketchbook down on the bench next to her and places a careful hand on Lexa's thigh to get her attention.
They're sitting on their bench in the park enjoying the summer sun. Clarke has been sketching the view in front of them while Lexa has been, well, a little lost inside her own mind. Lexa is distracted by this unsettling feeling in her gut. It's been there for a few weeks and it's particularly dominant today. She's not entirely sure why she can't seem to shake it, so instead she's been staring into the void in front of her, lost in her own thoughts trying to make sense of it all.
The thing is, that Lexa does in fact know what started it but she can't for the love of anything good understand why it affects her this way. Clarke was transferred to the pediatric ward about a month ago and the first time Lexa picked her up after work she caught Clarke interacting with a kid, a girl not more than six years old. She saw the brightness in Clarke's eyes, how much she loves her job, and it carved an aching hole in Lexa's heart.
Lexa never truly considered having kids. She loves kids, she loves working at the Kids Center, but when Costia died she let go of all the plans she had about maybe starting a family in the future. Watching Clarke interact with the kids at the hospital has somehow awakened that dream again; this time it's tenfold stronger. They never really talked about kids except that Clarke once said she'd like to have kids someday and Lexa told herself that she wouldn't hesitate when that day comes. Never did she think she'd be there before Clarke, though. Not already. They've only been married for three months, surely it's too soon.
"You okay?" She hears Clarke say. It's not the first time these past few weeks that she catches Clarke watching her with concerned eyes. Lexa has been distracted by her thoughts a lot lately. For some reason she's afraid to bring it up.
She meets Clarke's eyes and feels Clarke's thumb brush against her cheek. "Talk to me, Lex," she hears Clarke say, her voice even more concerned than her eyes. She looks hurt too and it breaks Lexa's heart; Clarke is not supposed to be hurt because Lexa is an emotional mess.
Lexa nods, one of those nods that's meant to conjure up courage out of thin air. She's out of her comfort zone right now because she didn't bring her notepad, it's intentional because she uses her alone time with Clarke practicing speaking more.
She feels like an idiot.
She takes one last deep breath.
"Iwantkids" Lexa mumbles trying her best not to avoid Clarke's eyes, but the confusion, the intensity in Clarke's eyes and the fear burning in Lexa's lungs make it pretty damn hard. She's never felt this vulnerable before. She's not used to asking Clarke for anything. Usually it's Lexa making sure Clarke has all she needs, something she made her mission in life a long time ago.
"What... I didn't get that," Clarke says, reaching to take Lexa's hand. She squeezes it once and Lexa squeezes back immediately so Clarke gives her the time she needs. She knows she doesn't have her notepad with her and she promised Lexa to never offer her a page from her sketchbook when they were alone; she'll respect it, so she waits.
She watches Lexa blink a few times and she gives her a reassuring smile when she does meet her eyes again, one of those Lexa always draws her strength from.
"I want kids," Lexa says, a heavy breath released from her lungs.
"Uh, okay..." Clarke starts, thinking that might be what she heard before but needed to be absolutely sure. Lexa's confession makes Clarke's heart flutter and she feels a smile about to break free but she fights it because Lexa is clearly not okay. "Well, I'd like to think that's a good thing. Do you wanna tell me why it's got you this worked up?"
"Too soon," Lexa offers, biting her lip nervously. It made sense in her head but now that she's said it out loud, she's not so sure anymore.
"Why do you think it's too soon, Lex?" Clarke still doesn't understand the problem.
Lexa blinks again and Clarke knows this is Lexa fighting to understand what's going on inside her mind.
"Wifey of mine," Clarke says softly receiving a timid half smile in return, "If you want kids now, then it's not too soon. You know I want kids too and yeah, I'm not in a rush, but time is a really small factor in this, okay?"
Lexa nods carefully.
"Is this what's been bugging you lately?" Clarke asks.
Lexa nods again.
If Clarke must be honest, she's been ready for a while now. She wasn't entirely sure until she witnessed Lexa with her new piano student, Aden, about two months ago. Of all the kids, Lexa is proud of him the most. He's twelve and was just recently adopted after having been in the system for seven years. He's mute due to a trauma and while Lexa values his trust in her so much that she hasn't told Clarke about it, she has a bad feeling about it, like, child abuse, maybe. Watching Lexa sign with Aden melts Clarke every time. She's seen him a couple of times the past few months and every time he's grown more confident, and he glows more. Lexa always spends a little extra time with him and Clarke can't help but think that Lexa will be an amazing mom.
"You're kind of an idiot, you know that?" Clarke teases softly. Lexa narrows her eyes as to say 'I don't understand', so Clarke elaborates, "See, if you'd told me this earlier I could've told you earlier that I'm in. Let's do it."
Clarke can't fight the smile anymore and Lexa can't not reciprocate. Clarke squeezes her hand and Lexa squeezes back while leaning in for a kiss.
*
Clarke wants to carry it and so they find a tall donor with chestnut hair and green eyes like Lexa's. They don't tell anyone that they're trying because if it doesn't work out they'd want to deal with it privately.
It's a rainy October day when Lexa anxiously paces the floorboards outside the bathroom while Clarke pees on a stick on the other side of the door.
In fact, she pees on three different sticks.
She comes back out with defeated eyes and tear streaked cheeks and Lexa catches her with comforting arms and soft kisses on her golden hair. Lexa is heartbroken because she can't give Clarke the one thing she wants, she can only stand on the sideline with love and support. It's not always good enough, she thinks.
The following days, they try to act normal around Raven and Anya, but it's hard because they're a little sad and a lot disappointed. Raven confronts Clarke but she isn't ready to talk about it so she avoids the house, working more, spending more time at the park with her sketchbook.
Lexa finds her on the hospital roof one late evening. She's brought a blanket and ice cream and she kisses Clarke's engagement ring, then her wedding ring and lastly her quivering lips. There's a buzzing desperation in the air, a pain Clarke doesn't know how to get rid of, but Lexa does. She remembers Clarke's words, that sometimes it needs to hurt to get better, so she pins Clarke against the wall, ripping open the zipper on her jeans. Clarke's frozen fingers scratches against her scalp and her heartbroken cries echo in the void around them as Lexa drives her over the edge with a rough hand. With demanding lips she drives the pain out of Clarke's lungs until there's no more left, until Clarke collapses.
Lexa always catches her.
There, covered in a blanket on the hospital roof on this cold night, both of them a broken mess of entangled limbs; rawness has never been this beautiful before.
It's the last time Clarke cries about the missed opportunity of pregnancy. She's ready to get up and move on.
*
It's the end of February when Lexa comes home, a plastic bag full of pregnancy tests in her hand and snowflakes in her hair. She kisses Clarke and tells her "Come what may", and while Clarke is peeing on all the sticks, Lexa paces the floorboards outside the door.
Clarke exits the bathroom with tear streaked cheeks again, only this time they're happy tears and then Lexa starts crying too. She places a gentle hand on Clarke's abdomen and brushes her thumb against the fabric of Clarke's hoodie, well, Lexa's green hoodie.
"Peanut Griffin-Woods," Lexa whispers and Clarke cups her cheeks, wiping her tears away before pulling her into a kiss.
That's how Anya and Raven finds them as they come home earlier than expected.
"Get a room," Raven teases as she slides past them and into the bathroom. She comes storming back out not five seconds later. "Okay, who's pregnant?"
"What?" Anya says.
They're both staring at Clarke and Lexa who stand in the middle of the hallway, teary eyes holding each other's gaze. They weren't supposed to know until the magic three months had passed, but the cat is out of the bag and Clarke is too excited to worry about anything else.
"I am," Clarke smiles through the tears, still holding Lexa's gaze.
"I'm gonna be an aunt," Raven squeals as she hugs the both of them from the side. Raven being Raven, that's the same as congratulations and I'm so happy for you.
"What she said," Anya says casually, as she hugs them from the other side.
"We're not home safe yet, but it feels right this time," Clarke says, muffled by the many arms around her.
"How far are you?" Raven asks.
"Five weeks," Clarke says. "So seven more to go."
"October?" Raven asks, not elaborating any further, but Clarke knows she's asking about the time when they withdrew themselves for about a week.
"First attempt," Clarke explains.
"I'm sorry, Clarke."
"Don't be, it's okay. We're better prepared this time."
"Okay, first I really need to pee, then we're gonna celebrate," Raven grins.
Clarke and Lexa still hovers in the hallway once Anya went to the living room and Raven went to the bathroom.
"Is it okay I told them?" Clarke whispers.
Lexa nods and kisses Clarke one more time. Clarke thinks this is the most gentle Lexa has ever been with her, and she can't wait to experience Lexa as a mother.
"Love you," Lexa murmurs.
"Love you too, Lex."
*
It's been another two days when the morning sickness kicks in. Clarke is on her way out the door when she suddenly turns around and runs for the nearest bathroom. Lexa is there with a hand rubbing soothing circles on her back and a kiss to Clarke's temple. Clarke groans from the nausea and Lexa wishes she could scoop in and carry some of the burden too.
"How you were gonna hide that for two more months is beyond me," Raven sasses as she walks past the bathroom doorway.
As much as she wants to, Clarke doesn't have the energy to talk back. Instead she leans into Lexa letting her comfort her in a hug. "This is just the beginning, you better appreciate it," Clarke mutters against Lexa's shoulder.
"I do," Lexa promises. Clarke smiles lazily by the double connotation of those two words.
*
Lexa wakes up surrounded by darkness in an empty bed and worry washes over her in an instant. She slides out of bed, subconsciously looking at the alarm clock on the bedside table. 3:20am. She hurries out the bedroom and towards the bathroom expecting to find Clarke a broken mess on the floor. Instead she finds her a sobbing mess in the kitchen, looking longingly into the void of the refrigerator.
"Clarke?" Lexa tries.
"We're out of peanut butter," Clarke sobs.
The thing is, no one in the house eats peanut butter. They've never had peanut butter in the house. ’Of course Peanut likes peanut butter,’ Lexa thinks, and she gently closes the refrigerator door and pulls Clarke into a hug, pressing a kiss to her forehead.
"Tomorrow?" Lexa asks.
"Okay," Clarke agrees even though the disappointment is clear in her voice.
Lexa guides Clarke to lay down on the couch next to her, pulling a blanket over them. She runs gentle fingertips over Clarke's skin, her neck, her arms. Just as Lexa thinks Clarke has calmed down and fallen back to sleep, another wave of sobbing escapes Clarke's lips. The woman carrying Lexa's child is not supposed to cry herself to sleep – certainly not over something as petty as peanut butter – so Lexa gets up, kisses Clarke's abdomen and then her forehead, and then she gets dressed, ready to face the merciless winter cold.
Clarke needs peanut butter.
The nearest store that is open at 4am is fifteen minutes away and Lexa jogs some of the way because she's cold. At least that's what she tells herself. The real reason may or may not be that every minute Clarke is miserable, Lexa is miserable too. When she returns she finds Clarke snoring peacefully on the couch. She places the peanut butter jar on the coffee table along with a spoon and a note.
’For you and Peanut <3’
She then takes a shower and goes to work early. She might as well, she'd be sleep-deprived either way. At least Clarke has the day off which means she can get all the sleep she needs.
Clarke enters the Kids Center around noon with lunch for Lexa. She watches with guilty eyes as Lexa tiredly meets her by the door.
"Wifey of mine," Clarke says softly, "I'm sorry about last night. Please accept my apology?" She hands over the paper bag and Lexa's eyes light up knowing it contains her favorite salmon-avocado sandwich. Lexa leans in to steal a soft kiss, her hand resting on Clarke's waist, thumb brushing against her stomach. Clarke melts by the realization of just how fast Lexa's love has expanded to also surround their baby. She fights it with all the strength she can muster but her hormones win the fight causing tears to escape the corner of her eyes.
Lexa looks at her with wide eyes, confused, a little concerned.
"Stupid hormones," Clarke mutters making Lexa chuckle.
"Oh hey, Clarke," Niylah greets her as she enters the room.
"Hi Niylah," Clarke greets, swiftly wiping her cheeks.
Niylah studies her with a scrunched up eye, a knowing eye.
"How far are you?" she asks.
"What?" Clarke panics.
"Clarke, you're glowing like only a pregnant woman glows, and it would actually explain why Lexa has been walking around smiling like an idiot lately." Niylah says matter-of-factly.
"Ten weeks," Clarke admits, beaming with happiness.
"Congratulations," Niylah smiles, pulling them into a hug. "It's still a secret?"
"A couple more weeks, yeah. Anya and Rae knows. And you."
Niylah pretends to zip her mouth, smiling while doing so.
*
"Oh look," Clarke beams through another round of hormonal happy tears."
"Peanut Griffin-Woods," Lexa whispers in awe of the blob on the screen. She feels Clarke squeeze her hand and she squeezes back immediately. The little heartbeat coming from the monitor is the most beautiful sound Lexa has ever heard and for the first time since Clarke's pregnancy test came out positive, she realizes just how real this is.
She leans in to place a soft kiss against Clarke's lips.
Because gravity.
*
It's the end of April and Clarke is beginning to show. They're going to the Woods Mansion for a family dinner and Abby and Jake will be there too. It's the perfect opportunity to tell their parents.
Clarke doesn't get the chance to, though, because the second Abby lays eyes on her daughter she knows. She cups her cheeks, studying her eyes like only a mother does.
"You're glowing, honey."
Clarke bites her lip trying to hide the smile, but it's no use.
"How far?"
"Fourteen weeks."
Abby then pulls her into a squeezing hug, squealing out a congratulations, and Lexa grins at them from the doorway.
"What on Earth is going on?" Jake asks, just having joined them. Indra and Gustus are right behind.
"By the looks of it, you're gonna be a granddad in..." Abby looks at Clarke to finish her sentence.
"October," Clarke grins.
Jake's grin grows to a size that matches Clarke's as he scoops her up into a hug. He then hugs Lexa as well.
"You couldn't wait till we sat down, Clarke?" Raven teases as she and Anya enters too.
"She guessed," Clarke explains.
"Ah, the intuitive Dr. Griffin," Raven nods.
Lexa's parents have been silent so far, but when Lexa finally looks at them Indra takes a step forward to hug her too. They've never been the kind of parents to hug their children, not after they grew into rebellious teenagers anyways. Gustus takes over, engulfing her in strong fatherly arms and Lexa realizes how much she missed her parents, how much her younger self missed them. She swears right then and there that she'll never stop hugging her own child.
Ever.
Teenage embarrassment be damned.
*
Most mornings Clarke wakes up to find Lexa's hand protectively resting below her baby bump, just by her hip. Some mornings Lexa is still asleep and some mornings Clarke wakes up to Lexa watching her with a lazy smile on her lips.
This morning is one of the latter.
"Lex," Clarke sighs shyly. "Stop looking at me like that."
"No," Lexa smiles. Clarke is carrying their child and Lexa absolutely adores everything about it. If the engagement ring increased her beauty tenfold and the wedding dress blew the charts then a pregnant Clarke is otherworldly. She couldn't not look at her like this even if she tried.
Clarke admits her defeat by letting her smile grow all the way to the corners of her eyes. Lexa then shifts to hover over Clarke's stomach. She softly presses her lips against the fabric of Clarke's t-shirt. "Hey Peanut," she whispers.
Clarke's smile grows into a full-blown grin. She loves it when Lexa talks to her stomach. She loves it even more when she caresses it, with gentle hands or soft lips.
Lexa hasn't said anything, but Clarke knows that Lexa feels insecure about the talking. Lexa walked in on Raven talking to Clarke's stomach the other day. Raven was talking about all the cool stuff Auntie RaeRae is going to teach it and Clarke could see the hurt in Lexa's eyes, not ever being able to talk to her own child like that.
The next day, Clarke had gone out to buy Lexa a book about child signing. She'd then taken Lexa's hands and pressed a kiss into each of her palms and said, "These hands speak more important things than any words ever spoken."
She'd then pressed her lips against Lexa's. "These lips are all I need to know how much you love me."
Moving Lexa's hands to rest on her stomach she'd said, "More than anything, this child will associate you with your touch, and it will run to you when it needs comfort and you will rub its back with these hands and kiss its hair with those lips and it won't need you to speak, just like I don't need you to speak."
Lexa had broken down then and Clarke had comforted her with her hands and her lips until Lexa had gone to sit behind the piano.
Lexa thought that if she couldn't talk to Peanut, she could play music instead. She had played Clarke's Song until Clarke had interrupted her with a "Lex!" causing Lexa to run to her immediately thinking something was wrong, but Clarke was all wide eyes and smiling and she'd taken Lexa's hand and placed it against her stomach.
Since then, every time Lexa plays the piano, Peanut will kick against Clarke's womb making Lexa ineffably proud.
*
"Hey, wifey of mine." Clarke leans against the door frame watching Lexa put the finishing touch to the cradle, a toy with snowflakes hanging in a circle from above. Lexa presses a button and it rotates while playing a gentle lullaby. She spins around with a big grin on her face.
"Child of mine," Clarke grins teasingly at Lexa while placing a hand against her stomach, "Looks like we're finally, at last, ready for you to join us."
Lexa knows the real meaning behind those words. They've been ready for a long time. Lexa made sure of that. She has baby proofed the house and given the guest room a makeover. She has stocked up on everything she thought they might need – and then some. Clarke is teasing her because she went a little overboard, but to Lexa nothing is good enough for her child, nothing is good enough for Clarke.
Lexa ignores Clarke's teasing and saunters up to her, running her hands along her stomach until they find their place behind her waist. She then leans in for a kiss and Clarke curls her hand around Lexa's neck making sure she doesn’t going anywhere until Clarke is satisfied with the length of the kiss.
"Ten days," Clarke sighs. "Are you nervous?"
Lexa nods.
"Me too. You know... You excel in everything you do and there's no doubt in my mind that being a mother will be your biggest accomplishment of all."
Lexa lowers her gaze, a half smile on her lips. "Hey Peanut," she says. "We're ready."
*
Three days later Lexa wakes up when Clarke squeezes her shoulder.
"Lex, it's time."