Chapter XXIII
A big white clock hangs high on the wall in the waiting room, its black arms moving agonizingly slow, taunting her. The thud of every second echoes in her mind, causing ripples of anxiety to slowly grow more sturdy in her gut.
Lexa is pacing again.
There are minor complications so they need to do a c-section on Clarke. It's standard procedure and there's really nothing to worry about, the doctor had said. But Lexa is stuck in a waiting room in the hospital, suddenly reliving the fear and the anxiety all over again. She lost Costia within these walls; what if she lost Clarke and Peanut too.
It's 9:30am.
Every second feels like hours.
Indra and Gustus will be here soon, Abby and Jake are on the way. Anya and Raven are in the waiting room with Lexa.
"Sis, come here," Anya says, pulling her into a hug. Lexa's body is rigid from the stress of not knowing whether they're okay. "It's okay, you heard the doctor, she's in good hands. They're in good hands."
Lexa releases a shuddering breath against Anya's shoulder. Anya wishes she could do more for her, knowing perfectly well what hospital waiting rooms does to Lexa. All she can do is keep Lexa grounded in her arms, so that's what she does.
Anya tries her best to distract her.
"Rae and I made a bet on your kid's gender and name," Anya tells her. "I picked boy, Rae picked girl. Whoever wins get back rubs every day for two weeks."
Lexa relaxes against her; not much, but it’s more than she dared hoped for. "Of course, neither of us has any preference, we're gonna love that kid to bits and pieces either way."
"And spoil it rotten, of course," Raven adds from her seat under the big white clock.
"So much that you and Clarke are going to throw us out of the house. Sooner rather than later," Anya says playfully.
"No," Lexa whispers.
"No?" Anya asks, hoping Lexa will keep talking.
"Your home too," she whispers.
"I'm just teasing you, sis. But you know, we'll be there for you no matter what. So... Wanna here the names we thought of?" Anya squeezes Lexa with her arms and Lexa squeezes her back.
"Rae, wanna go first?" Anya asks.
"Sure. Well, I kinda like Peanut..." Raven feints a thoughtful tone and it makes Lexa chuckle.
"I told her she was an idiot," Anya shares with her sister.
"Shut up, babe. Anyway, I'm thinking Aria or Ava for a girl and Adrian for a boy."
"Tell her why, Rae."
"Because your family seems to like names that start with A and both you and Clarke could be sentimental enough to continue that tradition," Raven explains.
"I told her she was thinking too much."
"Please…” Raven scoffs. “Like your choices are any better."
"Well, I actually agree with Rae that you'd pick Aria for a girl because of the A, but more importantly because it's a musical term. She said I couldn't pick the same, but because I'm betting it's a boy I don't have to choose a girl's name."
"I call bullshit," Raven plays along.
"Sure you do." She rolls her eyes at Raven, feigning annoyance, before addressing Lexa again. "Actually I thought you'd go with the snowflake theme and pick a winter name. Like maybe Noel for a boy or Noelle for a girl. "
"And I kind of hate her a little because I should've thought of that," Raven sighs.
"So to sum it up, Raven picked girl and names with A and I picked boy and winter names. The winner of the gender contest wins two weeks worth of back rub. The winner of the name contest wins two laundry free weeks. Those are the terms we agreed upon."
Lexa is surprisingly calm, smiling against Anya's shoulder. "Thank you," she says, slipping out of Anya's arms.
"Anytime, sis. So... are we even close?" Anya asks with hopeful eyes.
Lexa shrugs, not wanting to give anything away.
"Lexa?" A man's voice calls for her attention. She turns around to face it. It's one of the doctors and she's instinctively searching his eyes for any indication of Clarke and her child being okay. "They're both well and healthy, come on, I'll take you to them," he smiles.
Lexa is frozen in her spot. They're okay. Clarke is okay and their child is here.
"Go on, sis," Anya says, "We'll be right here waiting. Mom and dad should be here soon too. Tell Clarke hi."
The doctor guides Lexa down endless halls until he stops in front of a door. He gently pushes it open and says, "Clarke is still out from the anesthesia and it'll be a while before she wakes up, but your child is ready to meet its parents." He walks inside and Lexa follows him. Her eyes immediately land on Clarke in the hospital bed. The monitor on the wall lets Lexa know that her heart is still beating; something that calms her down immediately.
"Lexa, meet your son."
Lexa looks back at the doctor who nudges his head towards something behind her. She turns around and is met by a nurse holding a newborn wrapped in a blanket, her son. The nurse approaches her, a soft smile on her lips, carefully tugging the child into Lexa's arms.
"He arrived a week early but it's nothing to worry about. He's a little small but he's perfectly healthy," the nurse explains in a hushed voice.
Lexa feels the tiny thing in her arms stir. He's feather light and so tiny. She feels her entire body melt by the way he's peacefully sleeping in the crook of her arm.
"We'll give you some privacy. Press the button over there if you need anything, okay?" The nurse says, pointing at a box attached to the hospital bed. "We'll be back in once Clarke wakes up."
Lexa nods distractedly as she continues studying her son. He's got Clarke's nose. Lexa lifts the tiny blue hat just enough to check his hair color and by the looks of it he's got Clarke's hair color too. She wonders what his eyes will look like, if they'll be tiny innocent oceans too, and she mentally chants for him to open your eyes little man, show me what they look like.
Lexa graces his tiny puffy cheeks with her fingertips and dwells by the softness of his skin. She caresses his tiny chin, too, and the little hand that pops up from under the blanket. His tiny fingers are so minuscule that Lexa is afraid to break them. She lifts the little hand with a thumb and an index finger and as if it's the most natural thing in the world, even in his sleeping state, he wraps his fingers around her thumb, his tiny fingers surprisingly strong.
She wonders if maybe he's going to be a pianist too. Or an artist. Or something else entirely.
She can't wait to find out.
"Hey Peanut. You're here," she whispers, her eyes welling up. He keeps squeezing her thumb and Lexa feels the squeeze around her heart too.
"Wifey of mine," Clarke croaks groggily.
Lexa doesn't know for how long she's been standing there in the middle of the room holding her son, their son. It could be minutes, hours even. She looks at Clarke, her beautiful Clarke, sharing a smile across the room.
"Blue?" Clarke asks. Lexa realizes she's referring to the tiny hat on his head, and it occurs to her that Clarke hasn't met him yet. She carefully walks towards Clarke, reluctantly prying her thumb free from his grip. She watches Clarke's eyes brighten the second he's safely tucked into her arms.
If the engagement ring increased her beauty tenfold, if the wedding dress went off the charts, if a pregnant Clarke was otherworldly then Lexa doesn't have strong enough words in her vocabulary to explain just how beautiful Clarke holding their son is.
"Noel Griffin-Woods," Lexa says.
"Noel," Clarke whispers. "He's so cute, Lex." Clarke looks at Lexa again and Lexa leans down to kiss Clarke.
When Lexa looks at Noel again, his eyes squeezes tight once before they slide open – just for a split second – but Lexa doesn't need more time than that to conclude that yes, Noel does have Clarke's ocean blue eyes. Lexa knows that the hair and eye color will change with time, but for now, he's all Clarke and Lexa loves it.
*
Noel is charming everyone.
Anya and Raven are the first visitors. Anya fist bumps the air when she realizes she won both bets and Raven tries to be annoyed, but when Noel wraps his fingers around her thumb too, Raven melts and forgets everything else.
"Those fingers are strong like a mechanics," she coos.
"Or a pianist," Clarke offers, sharing a smile with Lexa.
Indra and Gustus are up next and Lexa is in awe watching her dad become a mushy mess around his grandson. "Don't look so surprised, Alexandra, he was like that with you and your sister too," Indra tells her as she too has succumbed to Noel's thumb grip.
Abby and Jake arrives late in the evening with flowers and a teddy bear and hugs for everyone. Abby refuses to let go of Noel when Jake whines about it being his turn now.
"Do you remember how fast they grow?" Abby asks when she does eventually hand him over to Jake.
"Yes," he sighs. "We need to come down here to visit more often."
"I know. We'll visit so often they'll get tired of us," Abby winks at Clarke.
"You're always welcome." Clarke smiles.
*
Lexa thinks a lot about what Abby said, that they grow up way too fast and she feels a tiny amount of fear in her heart thinking about missing out on anything. So when Clarke goes to sleep that first night in the hospital, Lexa stays awake to watch over Noel.
She takes a seat in a chair and places him in the valley along her thighs feeling comfort from his tiny body weight against her legs. She watches his nose scrunch up and his fists flail around aimlessly in the air. She watches him yawn and when he opens his eyes to look at her, she's sure she'll gladly miss out on sleep if it means not missing out on anything Noel ever does. She's never been more sure of anything in her life.
*
Clarke has a big scar on her abdomen from the c-section and the first time Lexa slides her hand under Clarke's shirt, Clarke cringes and pulls away. Lexa looks at her with confused eyes and Clarke avoids them muttering ’I'm just tired’ as she tries to slip out of Lexa's arms. Lexa forces Clarke into a hug instead and runs her hands soothingly up and down Clarke's back until she finally lets go of the tension.
Lexa is not stupid. She knows what it's about.
"Clarke Griffin-Woods." She kisses her forehead and her nose and her lips. "Love you," she whispers.
She lowers her head to place a kiss against the fabric of her shirt, on her scar above her heart. "Beautiful," Lexa whispers.
She meets Clarke's eyes again, the vulnerability is breaking Lexa's heart. She holds her gaze as she kneels in front of Clarke. She runs a hand over Clarke's abdomen and the hitch in Clarke's breath is one of fear. Lexa slowly leans in to place a kiss against the fabric of her shirt, on Clarke's new scar.
To Lexa, this scar is a result of Clarke carrying their son for nine months. It's the most beautiful of Clarke's scars and she makes herself a promises to make sure that Clarke will learn to see it that way, too. Someday. For now, Lexa has plenty of love for that scar for both of them.
Clarke runs her shaky fingers through chestnut hair and Lexa gently lifts Clarke's shirt, just enough to see the scar. She then presses snowflake kisses along the scar, left to right, before gently pulling Clarke's shirt back down.
She straightens up to wipe the tears off Clarke's cheeks before guiding her to bed. She makes sure Clarke falls asleep first, safe in her arms.
*
Noel is about a month old now. He wakes up Clarke and Lexa, his cries echoing through the baby monitor.
"Sleep," Lexa commands, kissing Clarke on the forehead before going to Noel's room.
Clarke lies in the dark listening to Lexa's "Hey Peanut" and the muffled sounds of Lexa picking up Noel from his cradle. His crying subsides surprisingly fast and Clarke lies in the dark smiling like an idiot, a hormonal teary mess, when she realizes what's happening.
Lexa is humming a soft lullaby to get Noel to calm down, her voice like velvet and so, so soothing, while Clarke wonders if Lexa has been humming Noel to sleep all this time, or if this is a first.
It lulls Clarke back to sleep, too.
The next morning, Clarke finds Lexa lying on the couch. There's an empty bottle on the coffee table and a peacefully sleeping Noel splayed across her torso. Lexa looks so tired that it hurts all the way into her bones, so she kneels next to her, running a hand through chestnut hair.
"Lex..." she sighs. "Come on, I'll take him and you go back to sleep." She reaches out to take him but Lexa doesn't let her until she's run a hand gently down his back and kissed his fluffy golden hair. Clarke thinks that maybe this isn't just about comforting Noel but also about Lexa's needs. Physical contact is Lexa's way of communicating with him, something she doesn't take lightly.
Clarke scoops him up in her arms and Lexa curls into a ball on the couch almost immediately, her face pressed into the cushions. Clarke sighs, shaking her head softly by the sight. She actually meant for Lexa to go back to bed, not sleep on the couch. She grabs a blanket and covers Lexa with it one-handed.
"Come on, Noel, your momma needs sleep."
She puts Noel in his cradle and takes a seat by the kitchen table. She finds an empty page in her sketchbook and starts drawing the memory of finding Lexa and Noel on the couch while listening to the light snoring coming from the depths of the couch.
*
Lexa likes to give Noel different colored socks on; her favorite combination is a green and a blue one. Clarke always smiles like an idiot when she sees it and that may be the reason why Lexa does it in the first place.
*
They often place Noel on an activity blanket on the floor in the living room and Lexa will play soft music smiling like an idiot every time he starts kicking his tiny feet in the air, just like he used to kick inside Clarke's womb.
Clarke uses moments like these to observe her family. She once told Lexa that above anything else, Lexa will excel in motherhood and she was right. The way she cares for Noel is admirable and she can't wait to see what happens when Lexa starts teaching him baby sign language, right now he's still too young.
Clarke sits in one end of the couch observing Anya and Raven cuddled up in the other end of the couch. She knows they won't stay in this house forever and maybe it's not such a bad thing. Clarke likes the idea of giving Noel a baby sister or brother at some point and this house isn't big enough for two families. For as long as she's known Anya, she's been working a lot, and her and Raven are rarely home. It's obvious to Clarke that Noel has made a big impact on them and she knows they've been looking into adoption. When that time comes, their family will merge into two families, Clarke is sure of it.
The thing is, Clarke knows they'll always be a family no matter what, no matter where they live.
They're going to be okay. All of them.
*
Noel,
You surprised us all by speaking your first word this morning. You linked your eyes to similar blue ones and said "mom" and your mom cried happy tears, glowing just like the day we learned that she was pregnant with you.
It may have been your first spoken word, but you've been communicating with us for a while now. You know how to sign eat for when you're hungry and drink for when you're thirsty. You hit your thighs excitedly when you want to play the piano. Of course, you can't play the piano, but you can press the keys down randomly and it's beautiful music to my ears, so when Auntie RaeRae and Auntie Anya many years from now will tell you it gave them headaches, don't listen to them. Music is subjective and it puts a bright smile on your lips, so you're doing it right.
You spoke your first word just in time for your first birthday. Tomorrow we'll wake you up and you won't know what all the fuss is about, but Auntie RaeRae has made you a delicious chocolate cake and I won't be surprised if that's going to be the best thing that happens to you tomorrow. In fact, I'm sure you'll melt her heart when you ask for more; that's another sign you've been using for a while.
By the way, you have your love for chocolate from your mom. You inherited a lot of things from her and I can't wait to find out if you inherited her drawing talent too or if you'll be drawing mutated stick man drawings like me.
I've been giving it some thought and I've come to the conclusion that time is a peculiar thing. When I look into yours or your mom's eyes – they're inevitably the same – time has this magical ability to freeze and keep me in a perfect tiny pocket of time, just the three of us. I could get lost in those eyes forever and never feel the need to find my way back. But then I think about you turning one tomorrow and how close you are to taking your first wobbly step and suddenly time moves too fast. Way too fast.
You're still my little Peanut and that'll never change, I'm certain of it.
I think about the future, too. I wonder if you'll love school or hate it. I wonder if you'll make lots of friends or just a few really close ones. I wonder if your mom will ever let me buy that dog I always wanted. I wonder if we'll ever get the chance to give you a baby sister or a baby brother, and that leads me to wondering what kind of big brother you're going to be. I wonder if you'll feel safe enough to come tell us about your crushes, girls or boys. I wonder if you're going to choose a career path like mine or your mom's or if you want to do something else entirely. I fear the day you'll tell us you're moving out, but I know that day will also be a happy day, one where your mom and I will look at you with pride in our hearts and tell you to never forget us. I imagine you're going to roll your eyes at us because we're old and embarrassing.
It's only because we love you.
No matter what happens, we're going to be okay. All of us.
Happy First Birthday, Peanut.
Love,
Momma.