Chapter XIII
The alarm clock screams at 7am because Lexa has to go to work. She's had three maybe four hours of sleep and the exhaustion aches all the way into her bones. The alarm screams a little bit louder by every second that Lexa ignores it until her ears hurt more than the rest of her body. She fumbles for the snooze button cutting off the noise, immediate relief washing over her body, and then rolls over to snuggle closer to Clarke.
Clarke.
Clarke is home.
She opens her eyes for the first time this morning, only for a split second before her pounding headache forces them shut again. A split second is enough, though, enough to see a sleeping Clarke next to her, enough to see her golden locks casually strewn over the pillow, enough to see her closed eyes and her soft lips. Lexa scoots a little bit closer, just enough to lean her forehead against Clarke's, just barely touching. It eases her headache enough for her to fall back asleep.
The alarm clock screams again. Lexa sighs as she reaches over to turn it off. She swings her legs over the edge of the bed and takes a moment to just feel the floor beneath her feet, let it ground her.
She wills her body to get up except it doesn't happen.
So she just sits there, hands on the edge of the bed holding her body up. Because that's all she can do.
"Lex..." Clarke croaks as she clumsily fights the sheets to take a seat next to Lexa. Clarke can tell from Lexa's clenched jaw and the way she hunches her shoulders that she doesn't feel good at all, so she slides an arm around Lexa's waist and leans her head comfortingly against Lexa's shoulder.
They sit like that for another couple of minutes until Lexa places a soft kiss on the top of Clarke's head.
"Finding you in my bed when I got home was really nice." Clarke says sleepily, breaking into a silent yawn.
The softness of Clarke's voice feels like being wrapped in a fluffy blanket and so Lexa reaches for the notepad on the bedside table, carefully not to lose the physical contact with Clarke.
"You can turn on the lights... I don't mind," Clarke says, because Lexa is scribbling away in the dark. But Lexa's headache is a beast that shows no mercy and she knows the lights will only make it worse, so she manages.
She gives Clarke the notepad and then turns on the lamp on the bedside table for Clarke while keeping her eyes closed, her head hung low between her slumbed shoulders.
'You coming home to me felt really nice too. I couldn't sleep so I came here. Haven't slept much and my head is killing me. I need to go to the library but I'm not sure I can. I'm sorry I woke you up.'
Clarke reads the note and then looks at Lexa, a miserable looking Lexa. She sighs as she runs her hand up and down Lexa's back a few times.
"You look terrible, Lex. Text your boss and tell him you're sick, nurse's order," Clarke smiles tiredly at her own joke. "I'll get you some painkillers and then we're going back to sleep, okay?"
When Lexa nods Clarke gets up to turn off the lights again and she can basically feel the relief bounce off Lexa's body. She hands Lexa her phone before leaving the room.
Clarke returns with painkillers and a glass of water and she kneels in front of Lexa placing a soft hand on Lexa's thigh as she swallows the pills. As soon as Lexa places the empty glass on the bedside table Clarke envelopes her in a hug and Lexa weakly pulls Clarke closer, Clarke positioned between her legs and flush up against her body.
"Did you text him?" Clarke whispers.
Lexa nods to confirm.
"Need anything else?"
Lexa shakes her head.
Clarke then leans her forehead against Lexa's as she starts massaging her neck. She can feel Lexa's breath on her lips, it's heavy and helpless and the more Clarke massages her neck, the more Lexa let's go of the tension in her body, the more steady her breathing becomes, the heavier Lexa's head becomes against Clarke's forehead.
"Thank you." Lexa sighs, one of those sighs that is both a release of good and bad things all at once.
"You're welcome, Lex," Clarke smiles. Because Lexa's voice is her favorite thing. Because Lexa is making progress. Because Lexa is here. "Come on, let's get back to bed."
Clarke presses the softest of kisses to that spot between Lexa's eyebrows and she feels the tension there crumble and dissappear beneath her lips.
She yawns as she climbs back into bed. She then softly pulls Lexa onto the bed too, pulling the sheets back over both of them, pulling Lexa into her arms and she makes sure Lexa falls asleep before drifting off herself too.
*
While Clarke hits the shower, Lexa sits by the kitchen counter bent over a notepad, completely caught up in her own little world. She's biting her lip in concentration as she scribbles word after word trying her best to explain what's been on her mind since she left her apartment last night. She has always struggled with the limitations of words, leaving it up to her music to express herself more accurately. This time though, she needs Clarke to understand every single thing, every detail, and so this letter must be written.
She reads through the letter a couple of times making sure everything she wants to say is there, all the things she needs to tell Clarke, things of utmost importance.
Carpe diem and such.
Once satisfied with the result she signs the letter with her name, the pen dancing eagerly across the pale-yellow paper. She leaves her thoughts on the counter for Clarke to find before leaving the apartment, a whimsical smile on her lips, her body awake and giddy as she moves through the streets towards her destination.
*
Love,
Last night I realized that I've spent more than eight years hiding from the world and letting my fears control me. I want to be with you and I want to do it right. I don't want to waste time sleeping alone when I can sleep next to you every day. Coming here last night felt so good... like something I should've done a long time ago.
And yes, what we have is still new but it feels so right. So come what may, I'm done wasting time, Clarke. I'm so done wasting precious time. I'm yours in any way you want me.
What I'm saying is that I would love to move in with you if you want it too. If you're not ready, I'll wait for you. You're most definitely worth waiting for me. I mean it, no pressure, it takes as long as it takes.
While I'm throwing it all out there I might as well say that I really like having Anya and Raven close. You're all family to me. And I like the house idea too but that's not why I want to move in with you.
YOU are my home, no matter the place we live in.
I love you,
Lexa
*
Clarke exits the shower and finds Lexa's letter on the kitchen counter along with a note saying 'I'm back in an hour and I'm bringing lunch so don't spoil your appetite'.
With time she has learned that Lexa leaving like this doesn't mean that she's actually leaving. It simply means that Lexa is an independent woman who follows through on her ideas. It's one of many things Clarke loves about her. She has also learned that Lexa's notes explaining her absence is merely Lexa's way of taking care of her. In Lexa's language it means 'I'm fine, don't worry, I love you, I'll always come back to you'. And she always does.
Clarke sits by the kitchen counter reading her letter, tracing a finger along the words as she reads them again, and she realizes that she wants all of this too. Exactly as Lexa describes it. She wants Lexa and no limitations. She wants to not waste anymore time. She even wants the stupid house thing too because Lexa is right, they're all family.
Family.
Mom and dad. They don't know about Lexa but they should. Inspired by Lexa's words about not wasting anymore time Clarke picks up her phone and calls her mom, not even considering that she most likely will be at work and won't answer the phone.
But she does.
"Clarke?"
"Mom, hi!"
"Clarke, honey, oh it's so good to hear from you, how are you?"
"I'm fine, mom. I'm great! Actually, that's why I'm calling." Clarke smiles, looking at the word 'family' in Lexa's letter, tapping it with her index finger.
"Oh? Well, do tell."
"Well, first of all I want to apologize for giving you the silent treatment for so long. It's... I'm not proud of it and I've missed you a lot."
"Clarke, it's okay. We knew you were going to contact us the minute you felt ready to and we've missed you too. How is Raven doing?"
"Raven is good. Her leg is acting up again but she's doing really well coping with it. She met someone, who's really good for her. Anya. Which brings me to why I'm calling you... uh, well... I kinda met someone too... Anya's sister, actually, her name is Lexa..." Clarke pauses because she doesn't know how to continue on from here.
"Oh, well, that's good to hear, honey. Both you and Raven deserves to be happy. So... Does that mean you're coming up here soon to introduce us?"
"There's nothing I want more, mom. I've been practicing riding in cars but I'm not ready for the long trip yet. Soon, I hope. I really want you and dad to meet her."
"We want to meet her too. Both of them, well, all of you. I'm so excited for you. I assume it means you're happy."
Abby Griffin has a talent for always being extremely interested in the things that makes her daughter happy. Clarke wishes she could have this conversation face to face, over lunch maybe, like they used to, but this'll have to do for now.
"I am. Very much."
"Well, honey, what are you waiting for... Tell me all about her."
And so she does.
*
Lexa walks along the sidewalk towards Clarke's apartment building with a duffle bag in one hand and chinese take-out in the other. She's taking a bit of a risk doing this, but she feels like taking big risks right now. Although if she must be honest, it's not a bigger risk than something she feels really confident about. She's 98% sure of a positive outcome.
She locks herself inside with the spare key Clarke gave her a month ago and then she walks directly into the kitchen where she knows she'll find Clarke, kicking off her shoes midwalk in the hallway.
"Oh, hey, she's back, mom. I gotta go. I'll call you again soon, okay? Tell dad I love him." Clarke says before putting her phone down.
Lexa puts the duffle bag on the floor and the food on the counter and then gently cups Clarke's face and pulls her into a kiss. It's soft and demanding and Lexa teases her with the tip of her tongue until Clarke gasps into her mouth.
Lexa opens her eyes before breaking the kiss. She loves to watch Clarke eyelashes flutter open, she loves to watch those brilliant blue oceans emerge in front of her. She studies Clarke as she gains back control of her sight, almost simultaneously as she loosens her grip on Lexa's shirt. The moment Clarke's eyes focus on her lips she gives her that half smile she knows Clarke loves.
"Hey..." Clarke breathes, clearly flustered.
Lexa greets her with another quick kiss to her lips before taking a seat and unpacking the food.
"So... I called my mom and told her about you. She wants to meet you, my dad too."
She picks up the notepad and places it so Clarke can see what she writes. Lexa doesn't know much about them, but she knows that Clarke loves them and even though Clarke hasn't told her she knows that Clarke misses them. She also knows that their lack of communication is a consequence of mourning Finn so she's been careful not to push her. These things take time and everyone sets their own pace. Lexa knows this all too well.
'I'd love to meet them too.'
Lexa grins at her as she hands her a pair of chopsticks.
"So... What's in the bag?" Clarke asks curiously.
Lexa writes. 'A few things I may or may not need depending on whatever you have to say to my letter'
"Oh that's bold, Lex." Clarke raises an eyebrow at her and Lexa shrugs confidently as she takes a bite of her spring roll.
"I agree with you though. What we have does feel right." Clarke says, putting down her chopsticks releasing a heavy sigh. "We lost a kid last night and losing kids always affect me more. I needed to not be alone last night and I missed you so bad I almost went to your place," Clarke admits and the pain in her voice breaks Lexa's heart. If only she'd known. "I didn't because I knew you had to get up early. And then I found you in my bed, and I forgot I was sad. I snuggled close to you and I realized I want this every day, every night, all the time. So yes, I want this too. Even the stupid house, Lex, because you're right, we're one big family."
The happy grin that spreads on Lexa's face makes Clarke's heart flutter.
"Come what may! You know what? I'm not even scared... I just... I'm excited about it." Clarke grins back. Lexa leans in to steal a kiss, it's one of those kisses that Clarke always translates into 'me too'.
Clarke pulls out her phone and says, "Should we tell Rae and Anya?" and Lexa nods in agreement.
Clarke:
Hey Rae, if the offer still stands and you both still want it... We're in, housemates.
Raven's reply ticks in immediately.
Raven:
We know ;)
Clarke:
What do you mean, you know?
Raven:
You practically gave the house and each other heart eyes when we went to see it. We knew you just needed time to figure that out yourself :)
Clarke:
Did not! Btw, I'm calling a family meeting in the kitchen the next time we're all here... To make sure we're all on the same page.
Raven:
Yes ma'am :)
Clarke shows Lexa the texts. "Well, I guess that's settled. So does that mean you and that bag there are moving in here?" Clarke nudges her head towards the duffle bag on the floor, a sheepish smile on her face.
Lexa nods eagerly before stealing another kiss.
"Good," Clarke grins.