Chapter XII
Clarke is asleep.
It's Sunday morning and Lexa's alarm clock just woke her up and Clarke is still asleep. Lexa doesn't know how she does it, it's like Clarke's inner watch knows she has the day off so she doesn't actually hear Lexa's alarm. It comes in quite handy, for Clarke at least.
Clarke is asleep and Lexa sits on the edge of the bed watching her with sad eyes. The guilt is eating her up and she tries to distract herself by running her fingers softly through golden locks.
She glances at the notepad on the bedside table. She doesn't have it in her to leave Clarke another 'I'll be back later' note. Not already. Probably never.
'We need some you and me time,' Clarke had said last night and Lexa had agreed.
She promised Clarke to cut down work hours. More importantly, she promised herself to cut down work hours and she's going to, but she can't cancel the meeting she has with Niylah today. It's a short meeting, but it's important because Niylah has a deadline tomorrow and she depends on this meeting with Lexa to make it.
She watches the seconds tick by on the alarm clock next to the notepad. It's a digital alarm clock and there's no actual ticking sound but each and every one of those seconds feels like someone screaming at her. She knows it's the guilt. The bad taste in her mouth. That Clarke deserves better. That nothing matters if Clarke is not happy.
Clarke is still asleep.
Lexa looks to the ceiling and sighs. There's one thing she could do... If only Clarke wouldn't mind...
Lexa looks at Clarke's sleeping form. She watches her own fingers as she runs them through Clarke's hair again.
"Clarke." Lexa whispers, she's still not comfortable hearing her own voice. Clarke doesn't respond so Lexa starts massaging her neck carefully.
"Clarke, love." Lexa says, her voice ringing clear in her own ears and it's terrifying, but only for a moment until Clarke starts smiling.
Clarke is awake, but she's not ready yet to open her eyes. She's smiling into the pillow because Lexa said her name. She's smiling because Lexa woke her up saying her name out loud and it's so much better than any alarm clock.
Lexa knows what her voice does to Clarke. She wishes she were able to have a full conversation with her. Or maybe just some simple sentences. Just once in a while. But it won't happen today, so she leans in to kiss Clarke on her temple before reluctantly picking up the notepad.
Clarke hears the familiar sound of a pen against paper and so she finally opens her eyes. She immediately notices that something is weighing Lexa down, so she pulls herself up to a sitting position, her chin leaning on Lexa's shoulder. Clarke snakes an arm around Lexa's waist protectively and she stays there until Lexa holds up the notepad for Clarke to read.
'Come tomorrow I'll be working less. But I've got a meeting with Niylah I can't get out of today. I hate to leave you... Come with me? It's only half an hour and we could maybe have lunch after? Just the two of us.'
Clarke presses her lips against Lexa's shoulder and inhales slowly through her nose. "Okay," she whispers and Lexa can feel Clarke's warm breath on her skin and it burns like the guilt in her gut.
'I'll fix this, Clarke.' She writes, not only for Clarke but for herself too.
"We'll fix this," Clarke says. "I'll do my part too, I promise. I'm not sad or angry, Lex. I just miss you. I'm looking forward to our lunch date, though. We haven't done that in a while."
A careful smile breaks free from Clarke's lips and that's when Lexa knows that they're going to be okay. When Clarke is happy, she is happy and Clarke is smiling right now, it's a good start.
*
Lexa brings Clarke to the Kids Center. It's Sunday so the center is empty except for them and Niylah once she'll arrive.
Lexa brings Clarke to the event room that houses the old worn down upright piano Lexa played the other day. Clarke takes a seat on the piano bench and softly presses one white key after another creating a string of notes going upwards like stairs.
"Teach me something?" Clarke asks and Lexa grins because yeah, she can do that.
Lexa takes a seat on Clarke's left. She then reaches across Clarke's space to play a simple melody of four notes. Clarke doesn't know it but this snippet of melody is part of the song Lexa wrote for her, Clarke's ear isn't trained enough to recognize it as something she's heard before. Lexa plays it a couple of times so Clarke learns the rhythm too. She takes Clarke's hand and places it on the keys instead of her own instructing her to play that snippet of melody over and over again. Once Clarke looks comfortable with it Lexa proceeds to play her own musical loop under Clarke's.
Lexa makes circles in the space between them with her hand gesturing for Clarke to keep her loop going and then Lexa's loop starts evolving. It breaks into harmonies and Lexa's one hand becomes Lexa's two hands and her loop encases Clarke's loop as she stretches her arm to reach the high notes on the other side of Clarke's hand.
Clarke suddenly finds herself a bit distracted. Lexa is in her space and out of the corner of her eye she can see Lexa grinning like a child, like she's having so much fun she can barely keep it inside. Lexa's perfume is distracting too, its mild summerly citrus caressing Clarke's sense of smell.
"Clarke," Lexa grins even more.
"Uh..." Clarke forgot things. Time, place, moving her fingers, the keys she's supposed to be pressing down. She forgot it all because it's the first time she's seen Lexa let loose like this and it's beautiful.
And Clarke has a thing for beautiful things.
"Play." Lexa whispers, because it's scary to speak up, it's terrifying to move out of the comfort zone, but the piano is grounding her so she doesn't panic.
"Lex..." Clarke is gaping at her, forgetting even more things, like why she's there in the first place.
Lexa looks at her and the intensity in Clarke's eyes disrupts her playing. With both hands lying still on top of the keys she leans in to steal a kiss from Clarke's lips, a kiss that is interrupted by someone clearing their throat.
They both turn on the piano bench to find Niylah raising an eyebrow at them.
"Niylah, hey, sorry... I was keeping Lexa company until you got here." Clarke says, anchoring herself in Lexa's eyes as she tries to control the blushing of her cheeks.
"I can tell," Niylah smirks lightly.
Lexa greets Niylah with the sign for 'hello' as she gets up. Niylah walks the rest of the distance, greeting Lexa with a hug.
"Good to see you, Lexa. I'm sorry I had to drag you in here on a Sunday. I wouldn't do it if it wasn't important." Niylah says exhaustedly and then looking at Clarke, "Clarke, it'll take thirty minutes tops, you're welcome to stay if you want."
"No, no no no, no business talk for me on this holy Sunday, Niylah, you know me better than that." Clarke winks playfully at her. "And Lex, you go kick some boring business on a Sunday ass, you." Clarke teases. "Text me when you're done, okay?" she says, before kissing her goodbye, receiving her favorite half smile in return.
*
Niylah drops her pen on the table and leans back in her chair with a satisfied smile on her face. "Finally. Done!" she exclaims and Lexa smiles with her.
'What happens now?' Lexa holds her notepad up.
"Well, I turn in our proposition to the board tomorrow and then we wait." Niylah runs a hand through her blonde hair shaking it loose from her shoulders. "If things go well, they approve all of it. Cross your fingers. The Kids Center will be able to help the kids so much better with these new projects. The mentor project is a brilliant idea, Lexa, I don't see how they won't approve of it, but let's not jinx it."
Lexa holds up both hands, fingers crossed.
"That's the spirit," Niylah laughs and they take a moment to enjoy the silence after having just finished their task.
"Lexa, we're friends, right?" Niylah asks cautiously.
Lexa nods, concern creasing her eyebrows.
"Okay, so tell me to butt out if I overstep any boundaries." Niylah pauses and drums her fingers nervously on the table. "I heard you speak to Clarke, before, by the piano? Is it... How does that work?"
Lexa bites her lip as she reaches for her notepad. Niylah knows about Costia and that Lexa hasn't spoken since, but she doesn't know much else. It's not something Lexa usually talks about. But she wants to talk to Niylah about it because she's her friend, a good friend actually.
'Clarke says I sometimes talk in my sleep. Other than that, I haven't spoken a word since Costia died until about a month ago. It's not all the time and it's only a few words and only to Clarke. Don't ask me how that works, I don't know.'
Niylah nods as she reads Lexa's words. "So... If you were to try and talk to me right now, what happens?"
Lexa moves her lips but the only thing that happens is her eyebrows scrunching together. She reaches for the notepad again and Niylah observes every tiny detail of Lexa's expressions as she writes her next note. It's like watching someone fight an army alone.
'Panic attack'
"And with Clarke?"
Lexa's eyes soften just by the mentioning of Clarke's name and it warms Niylah's heart.
'Clarke is the only thing that keeps the anxiety away. Clarke and the piano.'
"Okay. Good. Hold on to that. It takes a lot of time breaking old habits and you gotta do it one tiny step at a time, you know? I mean, if you want to, that is."
Lexa nods and smiles gratefully. What Niylah says isn't news to her, but she appreciates that she cares about Lexa enough to want to help.
"So, I should get going." Niylah says, getting up. "Say hi to Clarke for me?"
Lexa nods and watches Niylah pack her things and leave. She pulls out her phone to text Clarke.
Lexa:
I'm all yours now. Where do I meet you?
Clarke:
Outside swing doors in 10 minutes?
Lexa:
Perfect.
*
Lexa brings Clarke to lunch at that backyard restaurant from their first date, the one with the smooth jazz and the open sky above. On days like today, on cold October days, the backyard is equipped with canopies and heaters and blankets for those who are always cold. Lexa is not one of them, but Clarke is. Wrapped in a blanket and in Lexa's company, there's not much else she needs, though, it's kind of magical, Clarke thinks.
"How are their pizzas? I could totally eat a pizza right now..." Clarke wonders out loud.
Lexa holds up her notepad.
'Better than Raven's fancy pizza.'
"That's a bold statement, Lex, but I guess that settles it." Clarke grins.
Lexa orders a caesar's salad and they eat in one of those comfortable silences that most people envy. Any conversation between them while eating consists of Clarke stealing something from Lexa's plate and Lexa smiling at her because Clarke is adorable and she'll give her anything she wants.
At some point, though, Clarke drifts off into thought and Lexa has to prod her with a foot to get her attention. Clarke finds Lexa's questioning eyes and Clarke takes a deep breath.
"Well, I was thinking about how nice it is to lunch with you and that it makes everything even more nice when we get to go home together afterwards instead of going separate ways. And then... well, Anya's house idea is messing with my head because it got me thinking that I'm taking you home most of the time. And it feels home to me but I'm not sure how you feel about always staying at my place and not yours. Do you miss it, your home?" Clarke speeds up her words at the end because she's a bit nervous talking about this.
Lexa shakes her head without having to even think about it. Truth is, she hasn't had a home since Costia died, not until now. So the next note she writes comes easy to her.
'You ARE my home, love'
Clarke smiles at the sentiment that warms her heart and she chuckles at the little drawing next to it. It's a simple house in uneven lines with a door and a window and its encapsulated by a heart. Lexa's drawings still look like a child did it, but it makes Clarke love them even more.
"That's going up on the fridge, Lex."
Lexa carefully pulls the page from the notepad and gives it to Clarke. She then writes a new note.
'Have you thought about it?'
"What... The house?"
Lexa nods.
"Well, yeah. She's right, it fits us perfectly and I really like the idea of always waking up next to you. I didn't think I would, but I also really like the idea of having Raven and Anya close too. It could work, I guess, but I'm scared, because you and me, we're still new, what if it's too early, you know?"
Clarke watches Lexa as she scribbles a new note. Her heart is beating nervously because this is important, this thing they are talking about. They met eight months ago and only just crossed the lovers' line five months ago. It's too soon, isn't it? Except, Clarke's heart keeps telling her that she doesn't want to be with anyone else. She wants Lexa for as long as Lexa wants her. Maybe it's just how it works for them. Maybe because they moved slow in the beginning they don't have to take things slow anymore.
'I agree. I want it too but I'm scared it's too soon. I even want to live with the two idiots... They're both family.'
"And the piano." Clarke bids in and Lexa grins sheepishly because yes, Clarke, family AND a piano under the same roof is more than perfect.
"So... Does that mean we're serious about us? I mean, you and me and the long run? I mean, I am... are you?"
'YES' Lexa writes as fast as she can.
"Does it mean we're moving in with them?"
'Is it entirely up to me or do you want to hear what I think before making a decision?' Lexa wants to know.
Clarke laughs lightly, "I'm not sure... Maybe we should sleep on it?"
And Lexa nods because that sounds reasonable, more reasonable than her heart beating to the rhythm of move in, move in, move in.
*
Lexa knows her answer on Monday night. Clarke has a night shift and when Clarke has night shifts Lexa usually sleeps in her own apartment.
Anya is at Raven's. She's always at Raven's.
Not even playing the piano can break the silence of Clarke's absence.
The sheets smell of nothing like Clarke, in fact, they don't even smell of herself, the mattress feels all wrong, the temperature of the room too.
It's not right.
So she tosses and turns and stares at the ceiling and that feels wrong too.
She gives up on the bed and tries the couch instead. That feels wrong too. When she gives up on sleep entirely, she picks up one of her old notebooks and starts writing, just like she used to do before Clarke.
But even that feels wrong too and that's when she knows.
Clarke is the only home she needs and if losing Costia taught her one thing it is that time is not to be wasted.
Not even tonight.
*
It's just past 5am when Clarke drags her exhausted body home.
Home.
It sounds hollow knowing that Lexa won't be there. This night shift has been particularly rough, they lost a kid who'd been in a car accident, and all Clarke really needs right now is a shoulder to cry on and Lexa's warm hugs.
Clarke considers going to Lexa's place, but she doesn't want to wake her up just because she misses her at 5am.
'Don't be ridiculous, Clarke. You'll see her this afternoon'
At least her sheets will smell like Lexa.
*
When Clarke opens the door to her bedroom she's met by a sleeping form in her bed.
Lexa.
It's only then she realizes that maybe she did notice her shoes by the door and her coat on the coat rack. Maybe Lexa's things have become so much of a constant in her life that she doesn't think about it anymore.
It's only then her tense shoulders drop, finally letting go of the stress of this night shift.
It's only then she feels okay.
Her heart flutters and she doesn't even care about why Lexa is here. She is here and that's all that matters.
Clarke undresses and crawls into her bed. Lexa is sleeping on Clarke's side, silently drooling on Clarke's pillow. So Clarke slides up next to Lexa as the big spoon. She buries her nose in Lexa's hair and inhales her perfume. She kisses her softly on the shoulder before closing her eyes.
Before drifting off to sleep someone murmurs 'welcome home' into the night and Clarke is not sure if it's Lexa or herself.
But it doesn't matter.
Because she's home.