Chapter X
'Love, I didn't want to wake you, you looked so peaceful. I've got a meeting at the hospital and I'll be back after lunch.'
Clarke wakes up on her day off frowning at the missing body heat next to her. She reaches for the note she knows will be there for her on Lexa's pillow and then she smiles at the word love. She tries to fight it, but the sadness creeps up on her quicker than lightning. Because she misses Lexa. Because she's been missing Lexa a lot lately.
If you ask Clarke then Lexa has been unreasonably busy lately. She's working with the team behind the children's program to implement her ideas in their upcoming project plans.
Lexa is a hard working woman. She's selfless and loyal and so she doesn't think twice putting in extra hours to help Niylah with her last minute deadlines. Clarke loves her all the more for it... It's just that... Between Lexa's work at the library, her meetings at the hospital, her sign language classes and Clarke's unstable work schedule, they haven't seen each other much lately, nearly not at all.
It's just how it is.
Clarke is proud of Lexa, for how far she's come and for all the things she knows she'll achieve in the future. While she knows this crazy schedule is only temporary, she just can't help the sinking feeling in her gut growing bigger, heavier every day she doesn't see her girlfriend.
She misses Lexa.
She misses waking up next to her, their sleepy bacon mornings in the kitchen, cuddling on the couch on movie nights, kissing her goodnight...
She misses being with Lexa without a time limit.
Clarke crumbles the note into a ball, one-handed, before placing it on the bedside table. She rubs her eyes with the back of her hands, a frustrated sigh escaping her lips. She blinks a few times before getting up, her body heavy and discouraged.
She joins Raven in the kitchen. Raven has the day off to go to her check up. She's in a good place these days, the pain is tolerable and she gets enough sleep. She says it's the shrink that makes all the difference and Clarke is proud of her for being honest about it and not running away from it this time.
"Morning Rae." Clarke yawns as she takes a seat next to Raven.
"Morning Clarke. What's up?"
"Not much... What time is your check up?"
"11am. If you still want to come, I'm leaving in an hour."
"Count me in." Clarke thinks that maybe Lexa will be done at the hospital after the check-up so they can walk home together, through the park maybe, even though she knows she won't be.
Clarke frowns and Raven picks up on it. "Clarke, talk to me."
"Its nothing. It's stupid." Clarke dismisses.
"If it makes you sad, it's not nothing. Spill." Raven turns in her chair to give Clarke her full attention.
"I miss her." Clarke feels ashamed to admit it. "... and it's stupid because I know she's just busy... and it's only temporary... but damn it I hate waking up missing her."
"Does she know?"
Clarke shrugs.
"Clarke. You could tell her, you know, talk to her. Maybe she doesn't realize it makes you sad. I'm pretty sure she loves you too much to be able to hurt you, well, not intentionally, at least." Raven knows reasoning with Clarke isn't easy, but she tries anyway.
"Maybe..."
"Do it."
"Maybe..."
"Do it."
"Rae."
"Clarke."
"... maybe." Clarke sighs, both women know that Clarke most likely won't. Not yet, at least. Probably not before it's too much of a mess.
*
Raven is all sunshine coming out of the doctor's office. Her progress is obvious, keep it up, the doctor had said, and Raven intends to.
Clarke is grinning when she tells her. Clarke sometimes still feels guilty about the outcome of the car accident. She wishes she could sometimes swap her stupid scar for Raven's pain because Raven deserves a break. But today, Clarke just feels proud. Raven's pain is Raven's own demon to fight and she's doing a great job at it.
"I'm meeting Anya for lunch. You're welcome to join?" Raven offers.
"No that's okay. Lexa said she'd be back after lunch. I think I'll swing by to see how far she is, maybe wait for her 'til she's done." Clarke says, a bit crestfallen.
"Alright. If she's busy, the offer still stands." Raven hugs Clarke goodbye. Before turning around the corner she yells over her shoulder, "Talk to her!"
*
Clarke can hear the soft piano before she turns the corner to the Kids Center. Just knowing Lexa is nearby makes her heart flutter with longing.
The Kids Center has a room they use for events. It's one of those multi functional rooms that works as a playroom as well as a lecture room. The door is partially open and Clarke sneaks a peek before entering. She observes Lexa play the piano for a while and she wants to go inside but she's stuck in the doorway, paralyzed by the magic.
As Lexa ends the song, Clarke gets ready to step into the room but she stops in her track because someone is there with her.
"That was beautiful!" Niylah says as she walks towards Lexa. "I can't believe you wrote that. I can't believe you're not famous!" she exclaims.
Lexa responds with the sign for 'thank you' and something else that Clarke doesn't understand.
Clarke's heart falters.
Clarke is at home waiting for Lexa, missing Lexa, while Lexa is busy playing the piano for Niylah, apparently. Clarke's heart is breaking and she doesn't know why. All she knows is that she needs to not be here right now. She needs to get away.
So she leaves.
She doesn't hear Niylah responding with a "Yeah, she's gonna love it" and she doesn't see Lexa beam with pride and she doesn't see that half smile Lexa only wears thinking of Clarke.
*
Lexa:
Love, I'm at your place but you're not here. Are you okay?
Clarke ignores the text and wipes the tears from her cheeks. Emotionally, she's in a dark place. Physically she's on the roof of one of the hospital buildings. It's a place she only ever goes to when she's distressed. One end of the park is visible from here and this particular sunset from this particular spot is something Clarke has never been able to draw well enough, that's how magnificent it is. It's that one place that always makes the darkness in her mind a little less dark.
She's hasn't been to either places in a long time, she hasn't been since she met Lexa.
*
Raven:
Lexa says she hasn't heard from you all day. Where are you?
There are four unread messages from Lexa. Clarke is not ready to read them, because Lexa makes her feel things and she can't handle that right now.
She doesn't answer Raven either.
She doesn't know for how long she sits there, but it's getting dark.
She misses Lexa but she doesn't want to see her right now. She does but she doesn't.
It's getting darker.
There's a reasonable explanation to everything and any misunderstanding is easily talked through, except Clarke doesn't see any of that right now.
Only darkness.
*
"There you are." Raven sighs as she takes a seat next to Clarke. It's not really a seat, just a tiny brick wall low enough to be able to pull oneself onto it.
"How did you find me." Clarke knows how, but she doesn't know what else to say.
"You always go here to escape the world. Figured if you didn't want to talk to Lexa, of all people, then I'd find you here."
Clarke doesn't say anything. She knew the answer.
"What happened?" Raven tries.
Clarke shakes her head.
"Clarke."
Clarke doesn't respond.
"Okay."
They sit in silence, Raven contemplating her next move while Clarke breathes in two three four out two three four five six, again, until the cold October air burns in her lungs.
"I went to see her." Clarke's voice is shaky as she tries to explain to Raven what happened. "I went and stood in the doorway and I heard her play the piano and it was so beautiful... and... Niylah was there and they were friendly and talking... and... something snapped inside me, Rae, I don't even know what... I jus,... I went here to figure things out..."
"Wait... You didn't talk to her?" Raven is confused.
"No... I left."
"Why? Because Niylah was there? You're jealous?"
Clarke presses her eyes shut in a desperate attempt of muting Raven out.
"Clarke, I know you're hurt right now, but you're being an idiot." Raven knows Clarke doesn't want to hear this, but she needs to. "And don't you go silent on me too. Clarke,... damn it... She's a mess, okay? She's at our place and she's a mess because she thinks something terrible has happened to you."
That's what snaps Clarke out of it and she looks at Raven for the first time since she joined her on the roof.
"What?"
"She's a mess, Clarke. And she deserves better than this. If you're mad at her for something, talk to her."
It feels like her heart is dropped on the floor, shattering into a million pieces like fragile glass against solid concrete. A million pieces more.
"Uh..." Clarke starts to panic. This was only meant to be Clarke taking a break and get her feelings under control before returning. She didn't think it would affect Lexa, well, not like this.
It gets harder to breathe, the tissue in her lungs fighting the anxiety.
"Clarke, hey, stay with me, breathe." Raven says, getting off the brick wall to stand in front of Clarke, to put one hand on Clarke's shoulder rubbing soothing circles into her neck, the other hand on Clarke's chest, over her heart.
Clarke nods, breathing in to three four out to three four five six. Again. And again.
Slowly, she returns and Raven catches her in a hug.
"I'm sorry, Rae." She cries.
"Don't apologize. Just... go and talk to her, okay? You both need it."
"Okay."
"Okay." Raven says, squeezing Clarke a little tighter. "And I'm doing you a favor. I'm taking Anya out and we won't be home until late, so you won't be interrupted, okay?"
"Okay."
*
Clarke finds Lexa in her kitchen, devastatingly hunched over her sketchbook, as if maybe her drawings could bring Clarke closer.
"I'm sorry." Clarke chokes. Lexa looks at her with red swollen eyes and Clarke's heart breaks a little more.
"I'm sorry. I needed to think and I lost track of time and... I didn't mean to make you worried." Tears trail down her cheeks as she slowly moves towards Lexa.
Lexa cries too and Clarke reaches out to cup her cheeks and brush away the tears.
"I missed you so bad." Clarke inhales sharply. "These past couple of weeks... I-"
Lexa interrupts her by pulling her into a hug, to comfort her and to feel Clarke's body against hers. Alive.
"I went to see you." Clarke whispers as if she's afraid to break Lexa. "I stood in the doorway and watched you play... and when I saw Niylah was there I broke. There's a spot on the hospital roof I go to when I need to time think. I needed to understand what was happening inside me before I came home."
Lexa grabs her notepad, still holding on to Clarke. She writes as best she can with her non-dominant hand and kisses Clarke on the forehead when she's done.
'Niylah is only a friend.'
"I know, Lex. I don't ever doubt your love." Clarke runs a hand through Lexa's hair and smiles sadly at her. "Raven found me tonight and told me I was being an idiot and she's right. I'm a coward. I've been mad at you for spending too little time with me and I didn't talk to you about it and then I go and disappear on you like this. You deserve better."
Lexa needs her dominant hand to write, so she releases her hold around Clarke's waist.
'I'm sorry, I didn't know. I'll make sure to cut down the workload and talk to you about it before upping it. And then you must promise me to come talk to me if I make you sad again and let me know if you need alone time, just so I know that you're okay. Would that work?'
Clarke reads the note and nods to let Lexa know that she agrees. She feels ashamed that she's been walking around for more than a week not talking to Lexa about it and then Lexa ends up being the most understanding person in the world.
"I don't deserve you, Lex," she whispers, but Lexa ignores it with a soft kiss to her lips.
"Love you," Lexa murmurs and Clarke melts against her lips.
"It's not fair to use that trick on me all the time, Lex, you know what it does to me," Clarke smiles against Lexa's kisses.
Lexa shrugs nonchalantly and Clarke breaks the kiss to give her the raised eyebrow challenging her. "What else do you have?
Lexa grins through the shed tears as she writes another few words on the notepad.
'I can only say two things.'
"Oh, well, what's the other?" Clarke lowers her eyes to watch Lexa's lips. She runs her thumb along Lexa's bottom lip as if it would draw out more words.
"Clarke." Lexa says, eyes never leaving Clarke's and she feels like coming home the second Clarke meets her eyes, anchoring Lexa in her favorite blue oceans.
"I love your voice." Clarke smiles."I love the way you say my name. I love you, Lex," she sighs, the last of heavy toxic air slipping away. "I'm sorry about tonight. I promise I'll work on talking to you before things get out of hand. Okay?"
Lexa nods and steals another kiss from Clarke.
She steals one of those kisses that ends up nipping at lips and licking on earlobes.
She steals one of those kisses that entangles fingers in hair, tugging desperately.
She steals one of those kisses that pins Clarke against the kitchen wall, legs wrapped around Lexa's waist.
She steals one of those kisses that leaves a trail of clothes from the kitchen to Clarke's room.
She steals one of those kisses that takes her breath away as Clarke pins her arms against sheets and pillows.
She steals one of those kisses that leaves scratch marks on backs and sore muscles the next day.
She steals one of those kisses that makes Clarke come undone.
She steals one of those kisses that holds promises of forever.
She steals one of those kisses that leaves her utterly exhausted and peacefully asleep.