Chapter VIII
Waking up the next morning feels to Lexa like walking through fire, like angry flames licking painfully against her skin. It burns but she's freezing, so she tugs herself in closer to Clarke's naked body to steal some of her body heat.
Lexa doesn't get sick, ever, so standing out on the balcony in the cold air with Bellamy wasn't any concern of hers. Because she doesn't ever get sick.
She leans her forehead against the spot between Clarke's shoulder blades and Clarke's skin feels so deliciously cold that she huffs out a breath of displeasure when Clarke breaks the physical contact to turn around to face her.
Clarke presses her lips against Lexa's forehead and whispers against her skin, "You're running a fever, Lex."
Lexa wants to deny it but her head feels heavy and the headache is unbearable so the authoritative shake of the head she's planning to answer Clarke with never happens.
So instead she pouts, her lower lip curling slightly outwards.
Clarke chuckles, she gently unties the blue silk that still hangs around Lexa's neck, before pulling her in closer.
Lexa wants to scold Clarke for making fun of her, but the comfort of Clarke's arms lulls her back to sleep almost immediately.
*
It's around noon when a quite miserable looking Lexa enters the kitchen, barefooted, in sweatpants, a large baggy t-shirt and untamed hair. She slumps down on a chair next to Clarke who is fully concentrated drawing twirling leaves in her sketchbook.
Lexa places her notebook in front of Clarke with a tired, heavy thud against the counter surface.
'Sunday tradition?'
Clarke gives her the best unimpressed raised eyebrow she can muster and then Lexa gives her the lost puppy look in return, glassy tired green eyes, pleading eyes, those kind of eyes that try their best to brave it up but are in no way successful hiding the shade of defeat.
If Clarke wasn't a nurse, she'd probably fall for it. Those damn eyes.
"You need to go back to bed. Food first, then bed." Clarke says gently.
Lexa shakes her head and points to her note again, her adorably pathetic pout in place and Clarke can't hold back the bright laughter that erupts from her chest, feeling a little guilty when Lexa immediately starts frowning.
"You're sick, Lex, come on, let me take care of you." Clarke rises from her chair and pulls her into a hug and Lexa's body slumps heavily against Clarke's chest and it feels like her body has accepted Clarke's conditions even though her mind still wants to go to the park. But Lexa's mind is too weak to fight her body, so she nods against Clarke's shoulder and let's Clarke guide her to the couch.
Clarke brings her water, painkillers, her notebook, the TV remote, a warm blanket and warm socks.
Clarke has these fluffy warm socks she always wears when it's cold. They're colorful and so Clarke and Lexa likes that Clarke intentionally always wears two different kinds because every time she points that out to Clarke she always breaks into this goofy grin. Lexa loves that goofy grin. Today she's wearing an orange and a blue sock. They're complimentary colors and Clarke has a thing for complimentary colors. It's a bit nerdy but Lexa likes Nerdy Clarke, she's passionate about things, passionate and adorable. It's a combination that always leaves Lexa weak in the knees.
Clarke waves a pair of socks excitedly in front of Lexa, also an orange and a blue.
"Here, put these on," Clarke softly commands, taking a seat on the couch in the crook of Lexa's knees. But Lexa scowls at them like they are the spawn of Satan.
"Okay, what's wrong with the socks?" Clarke asks, not entirely sure this is the best way to go about it.
Lexa picks up her notebook, scribbles something and gives it to Clarke.
'They don't match'
"Oh... But I thought we could be sock buddies today." Clarke says teasingly, a playful wiggle of her eyebrows as she shakes her orange foot high enough for Lexa to be able to see it.
Lexa isn't impressed. Not at all. She sighs and pulls the blanket up under her chin and snuggles into the cushions of the couch and Clarke chuckles, shaking her head amused by Lexa's behavior. So a sick Lexa means a stubborn five year old, good to know.
"Okay... I'll find you matching socks. Anything else you need?" Clarke's voice is as soft and caring as the hand rubbing Lexa's thigh through the blanket.
Lexa pulls one hand out from under the blanket to make a sign she knows Clarke knows. She should've studied sign language sooner, it's quite handy for situations like this, Lexa thinks.
"Ice cream?" Clarke ask excitedly and Lexa nods. "YES! I'm getting good at this signing thing," Clarke grins. "Tell you what, I'll make you soup and if you eat that I'll consider the ice cream."
It's not a question, it's not even a negotiation. It's a demand and Lexa wants to protest. If she wants ice cream she'll eat ice cream. And only ice cream, damn it! But then Clarke looks at her like her heart is breaking just watching Lexa lie there in her miserable state and she can't make herself defy Clarke. She'll eat the damn soup if it makes Clarke happy. If Clarke's happy, she's happy.
And ice cream.
Ice cream makes her happy too.
*
Clarke makes her chicken noodle soup and Lexa eats it reluctantly, but not more so than she closes her eyes appreciatively because it's the best damn chicken noodle soup she's ever had.
Clarke makes both of them a bowl of ice cream and joins Lexa on the couch and puts on a movie. Lexa smiles lazily every time the cold ice cream slides down her throat easing the pain and Clarke wants to kiss her every time.
Setting her empty bowl on the coffee table, Lexa then snuggles up to Clarke on the couch, her head on Clarke's lap and she smiles blissfully every time Clarke runs her cool fingers through chestnut hair. Lexa is somewhere between asleep and not nearly awake when Clarke lays her cold palm against the burning skin on her neck.
"Love you," Lexa murmurs into the blankets.
It's barely a sound against the noise from the TV, but to Clarke it's the kind of sound that mutes everything else out. It's like christmas and birthdays and a first kiss and bacon all wrapped up in one perfect mix and so Clarke can't help the beaming smile on her lips and the water in her eyes as she looks at a peaceful Lexa in her lap.
"Love you too, Lex." Clarke whispers and a sleepy smile sneaks it's way onto Lexa's lips.
*
By Tuesday Raven joins Lexa on the couch. Not because of a fever but because she needs to not be alone. Raven got better for a while, but she's hit a rough patch again.
There's an unspoken routine between the two. Raven takes a seat next to Lexa, sighing heavily as she does so. It's like the good kind, the kind that drags bad things out of one's body. Then Lexa gives her about five minutes to bite her lip nervously before looking at her with a curious look. Then Raven sighs heavily once more before telling Lexa some cryptic version of whatever she feels at the moment and Lexa will have to raise one eyebrow in confusion before Raven then sighs one more time before finally elaborating whatever it is into something Lexa actually understands.
It works for them.
"Sometimes I wish they would just shut up." Raven's cryptic message of the day.
Lexa gives her the confused look, not understanding who she's talking about.
"The voices. No. The thoughts. They're... I've got so many random thoughts in my head and they won't shut up." Raven presses her eyes shut leaning her head against the back of the couch.
They sit there in silence for a while until Raven leans her head on Lexa's shoulder and sighs. "Thank you", she says and Lexa doesn't know why because she didn't do anything except just sit there and listen and not talk. But that's exactly what Raven needs and that's why it works for them. It's as if Raven just needs an opportunity to voice whatever is on her mind and once it's out there it's no longer making a mess *inside*.
Out of mind, out of matter.
Raven eventually rises from the couch. "I've got a check up, wanna tag along?"
Lexa doesn't even hesitate before nodding. She's needs fresh air and she's feeling a lot better today, no fever, so yeah, why not? She'll deal with the demon that is the inside of the hospital when she gets there.
For now though, she wants to just be around Raven.
*
They stop in front of the swing doors at the hospital entrance, Lexa biting her lip nervously, Raven leaning against her cane.
"Them bastards! Who do they think they are with their swinging and letting people in and out..." Raven mocks the swing doors with a threatening fist and a humorous twinkle in her eyes and Lexa can't help the smile that forms on her face. She appreciates Raven's efforts to distract her with humor. It works. To some extent.
Lexa needs to remind herself that even though Costia died in this building, it's not all it is. She pictures Clarke in her uniform walking down the familiar corridors with her bright smile and caring heart and happy eyes and that golden hair in that messy ponytail. Clarke does great things in this building. Great things happen in this building. Bad things too. But the great things matter the most.
So Lexa takes one step forward. And one more. And then another... And Raven is right behind her with a proud smile, almost forgetting the shooting pain in her hip. She watches Lexa cautiously step through the swing doors and then she watches the tension in Lexa's shoulders disappear as Lexa takes a deep breath and nods to herself.
"Bad-ass," Raven says appreciatively and it makes Lexa feel oddly proud.
*
Clarke is there waiting for Raven outside the doctor's office. It's her way of supporting Raven, always making sure she's there with Raven for her check ups. Raven doesn't need it but Clarke insists, so she doesn't have it in her to say no. Besides, she likes the comforting hugs Clarke always has for her when she comes back out.
"Hey Rae." Clarke pulls her into a hug like always and then walks up to Lexa to kiss her on the cheek. "Fancy seeing you here," she winks.
Clarke doesn't say it but she didn't expect to see Lexa back inside the hospital anytime soon. It makes her happy, though, it means that Lexa is coping with her hospital anxiety.
Clarke smiles warmly at Lexa and Lexa feels prouder than before. Because she did this without Clarke's help which means progress. Progress is good because she needs to be able to enter the hospital on a regular basis if she wants to be a part of the childrens' program.
"I'll see you in a bit," Raven says as she enters the doctor's office.
"Break a leg!" Clarke calls after her, her voice in a playful tone, because she knows Raven appreciates the morbidity of those words.
As the door closes, Lexa pulls Clarke in to a full body bear hug and presses her lips softly against Clarke's forehead.
"Mmmh... What's that for?" Clarke hums and Lexa responds pulling Clarke in even closer.
Clarke chuckles lightly. "I guess that means you're feeling better?"
Lexa nods.
"You look better today. And I see you defied the evil swing doors too." Clarke teases lightly and Lexa grins because yeah she did and it feels awesome.
They take a seat in the waiting room. Clarke pulls her chair closer to Lexa's and leans into her and every fiber in Clarke's body sighs peacefully while every cell in Lexa's body beams happily.
They sit there drinking each other in enjoying this tiny break together while waiting on Raven.
"Lex?" Clarke's voice tiptoes weightlessly in the space between them and Lexa kisses Clarke's hair to let her know she's listening. Clarke twists in her seat to face Lexa, her eyes a shade of curious as she says, “How do you say kiss me?"
Lexa knows this is Clarke's way of supporting her and she appreciates the effort, but the truth is, Lexa doesn't want them to communicate with signs. She wants Clarke to always use her beautiful voice and she wants to keep communicating like they've always done, it's so uniquely them and Lexa loves it for two reasons. One, she really likes the intimacy it causes, the fact that physical contact is necessary for it to work. It's an important part of their relationship she never wants to be without. Two, Lexa believes that Clarke's acceptance from the beginning is the main reason to her recent growth. It makes her want to be a better version of herself and it's something she only just realized after she picked up signing.
Lexa wants to give Clarke everything she asks for and she'll eventually cave on this request too, but right now they're alone in the waiting area and she wants to have a little fun.
She smiles at Clarke, subtly smirking the way she knows makes Clarke blush sometimes. She holds Clarke's gaze as she leans forward a few inches and when she can feel Clarke's warm breath on her lips she gently bites down on her own lip, just the corner, the way she knows makes Clarke a flustered mess. The reaction is subtle but Lexa picks up on it when the corner of Clarke's lips curl into a tiny shy smile. Then Lexa lowers her gaze to look at Clarke's lips, shamelessly parting her own just the slightest. When she looks back up her favorite blue oceans are transfixed on her lips and she watches Clarke's eyelashes flutter once, twice before leaning in for a kiss.
That's the only way Lexa will ever ask Clarke to kiss her.
Lexa smiles victoriously against Clarke's lips when she feels a hand sliding into her hair but when Clarke changes her angle, gently sliding the tip of her tongue along Lexa's lower lip Lexa loses all control of the situation.
Gravity is inevitable and time is insignificant.
Kissing Clarke is one of Lexa's favorite activities.
Kissing Clarke is what it must feel like to fly, she thinks. Weightless. Exhilarating. Uplifting.
Kissing Clarke fills her heart with bravery and it dissolves any worries of the mind.
Kissing Clarke is the best kind of addiction.
"I can't leave you two alone, can I?" Raven interrupts.
They break the kiss immediately, breathless, disoriented. They're witness to each other's embarrassment, the color red burning on their cheeks, as Raven sighs disapprovingly at them.
"Shut up, Rae," Clarke bites back, still an embarrassed smile on her lips.
Raven smirks at them as they rise from the chairs, avoiding her eyes. Clarke clears her throat before finally looking at Raven who barks out a laughter. "Come on," Raven says, "let's get out of here."
*
Clarke follows Raven and Lexa out and as they walk through the entrance hall, someone stops them.
"Oh, hey, Lexa?" Lexa turns around and comes face to face with the woman she and Anya met about the childrens' program. Her name is Niylah and Lexa smiles as they greet each other with a handshake.
"I'm so glad I ran into you. How is sign language coming along?" Niylah has one of those smiles that only genuine, caring people wears. It's trustworthy and reliable, it's something Lexa values highly.
'Good'. Lexa signs her response to Niylah who grins back at her.
"Perfect. Listen, I was going to contact you about this. The team likes your ideas about using music as a communication tool... and, well, how do you feel about coming in a couple of hours, once or twice a week, we can brainstorm your ideas and implement them in our proposition for new projects. And you could meet some of the kids, maybe, they could even help you practice your signs?" Niylah looks hopeful.
Lexa nods as her smile grows bigger because yeah she'd love to. This day keeps getting better and better and she shines brighter than the northern star as she looks at Clarke to share this moment with her.
"Great, I'll set up a meeting and contact you with the details, alright?" Niylah looks like she just won the lottery and for the first time she looks to Lexa's companions. "Oh, we haven't met before," she says, offering her hand to Raven, "I'm Niylah."
"Raven," Raven nods politely.
"Nice to meet you, Raven. Clarke, I'll see you around." Niylah nods her goodbye to the three women.
"Sure do." Clarke nods back and Niylah retreats in the opposite direction, further into the hospital building.
Clarke wishes she didn't have to go back to work because Lexa radiates and Clarke wants to celebrate this news with her.
Instead she walks them out the swing doors, squeezing Lexa's hand as she walks through them. She hugs both of them goodbye and before she sends both of them on their way home, she pulls Lexa in for a kiss, one of those I miss you kisses, one of those I love you kisses.
"Congratulations, Lex. You deserve it. I kinda wish I didn't have to go back to work. I'll see you later, okay? And look out for Raven for me."
Lexa throws her a proud smile before walking away, leaving Clarke to sigh into the breeze because she really does miss her.
Clarke feels silly, standing there watching them walk away like some lovestruck teenager so she wills herself to go back inside and despite really trying, she's not able to shrug the sheepish smile off her face.