Chapter III
There's no progress with Raven the next couple of days and so Clarke takes the liberty of booking an appointment for her with a specialist Friday afternoon. Clarke promised she'd get out of work to be there and Anya promised she'd try to get someone to take her shift, but she couldn't make it happen, so instead Lexa takes on the task of being the moral support that Raven needs getting from the apartment to the hospital.
Lexa leaves the library at lunch and goes straight to the apartment to pick up Raven. Raven is on the couch looking broken and scared and Lexa recognizes this look. It's the same Costia had before any appointments concerning her illness. It's the concept of not knowing what you're going to hear and also not being able to affect the results in any way. It's judgement day, so to speak.
'If you need to talk, I've been told I'm a good listener'
Lexa hands Raven the note with a playful smile because she knows Raven will appreciate the irony of the statement. And Raven does crack a smile upon reading the words, a very subtle smile, but a smile nonetheless.
"The last time it was this bad was right after the accident." Raven admits and with a thoughtful expression she continues, "You're going to help me get down the stairs and you also need to get the wheelchair from the broom closet. Are you okay with that?"
Lexa nods as she scribbles.
'Of course. Anything you need, let me know.'
Raven nods, her body in a full-on defeated demeanor. She rubs her eyes with the heel of her hands and then one hand goes to massage the upper thigh of her bad leg.
"Okay, if you get the wheelchair and take it down the stairs, I'll get ready to go. We have enough time to go through the park on the way. Is that okay? It means less traffic."
Lexa nods and squeezes Raven's shoulder as she rises from the couch.
The wheelchair is a task easily done. Getting Raven down the stairs, however, is not. Lexa thinks that maybe this is one of the reasons her and Anya prefer to stay here. Clarke and Raven only has one set of stairs whereas Anya and Lexa lives on the third floor with no elevator.
Raven has a cane to aid her on days where the brace isn't enough. But even the cane is not enough today. They try with Lexa supporting one side of Raven as Raven supports herself on the railing but it's too painful and too clumsy. Eventually Lexa lifts Raven onto her shoulder to carry her the last couple of steps and she knows Raven finds it humiliating, but it got the job done with as little pain and effort as possible.
"Wow, you are freakishly strong," Raven mutters as she takes a seat in the wheelchair.
Lexa smirks as she scribbles a new note, and Raven finds comfort in having Lexa here because it's almost like having Anya here. The two sisters share the same smirk.
'Want me to push the wheelchair or do you want to do it yourself?'
"Could you? I'm so tired... Could we go through the park?" Raven asks.
So to they go through the park, Lexa pushing Raven's wheelchair. Lexa keeps a slow pace because they have plenty of time. They move forward in silence, not the uncomfortable kind, but the welcomed kind. It's the kind of silence that occurs when people are deep in thought, it's the needed kind. Raven thinks back five months prior to the day she met Lexa for the first time and how this silent woman has found a way to fix Clarke's broken heart. How Clarke and Lexa bonds over the loss of their loved ones and how she bonds with Lexa over the feeling of feeling incomplete. Raven's messed up leg and Lexa's inability to speak. She thinks about how those two sisters love unconditionally and wholeheartedly. How lucky she feels to have Anya in her life and how lucky she knows Clarke feels to have Lexa.
There's one thought that has occupied Raven's mind more than usual lately. Guilt. For driving the car that day. For driving the car that killed Finn and for bringing so much pain into Clarke's life. She knows it was the driver of the other car's fault, but she feels guilty because she was behind the wheel and didn't see it coming.
For a long time, that guilt has been hiding in the shadows. Raven kept the guilt away by taking care of Clarke. She was strong for Clarke. The truth is, she doesn't need to be strong for Clarke's sake anymore. The truth is Raven no longer has any reason to ignore the guilt anymore.
Raven knows that the pain in her leg is connected to that but she doesn't feel ready to take on the fight.
Not yet.
*
The closer they get to the hospital, Lexa gets more anxious and Raven doesn't notice until Lexa stops in their track about twenty feet from the hospital entrance.
"Lexa?" Raven calls into the air that surrounds them.
Lexa doesn't respond, so Raven tilts her head backwards to look upside-down at Lexa, her jaw clenched and anxiety growing in her eyes.
"Is this your first visit to a hospital since...? " Raven asks cautiously.
Lexa nods stiffly.
"I understand. We still have plenty of time. We can stand here until you're ready or we can take a seat at the bench back there," Raven points with her thumb somewhere behind them, "or we can summon Nurse Clarke to take over from here. It's up to you." Raven says casually. She doesn't mention the last option which is that Raven is fully capable of pushing the wheelchair the rest of the way herself.
Lexa stares at the swing doors as if they were the spawn of the devil.
"You've got five minutes until I call Clarke," Raven says, and it's not meant to put pressure on her, but something tells Raven that Lexa just needs a little push. Not going in is a defeat Lexa doesn't want to admit to, she thinks
It's less than five minutes when Clarke coincidentally appears from the swing doors with a raised eyebrow at the two of them.
"Hey Clarke. Lexa and I are just enjoying the beauty of the monotonous movements of your magnificent entrance swing doors and we're debating how best to approach them," Raven says matter-of-factly.
Clarke can tell by the look in Lexa's eyes that something is wrong, so she walks towards them, towards Lexa, because its become second nature to her to make sure Lexa is alright.
"Lex? You okay?" Clarke asks cautiously as she reaches one hand out to touch Lexa, but Lexa stops her with a dismissive hand in the air. Her eyes never leave the swing doors as she takes a deep breath before she takes one step towards the doors.
And another.
Clarke doesn't understand what's going on but she sees Raven's victorious smile grow bigger by every step and so she decides to stand by observing the action.
Lexa knows better than to stop so she times their speed with the swing doors and before she knows it they're inside the hospital. There's a lump in her dry throat and she exhales slowly, heavily, trying to get rid of some of the tension in her body.
"Hey, gimme your notebook", Rae says and Lexa hands it over. Raven doodles something before ripping of the page. She turns her wheelchair to face Lexa, Clarke standing just behind her, still with a puzzled look.
"That was awesome, Lexa. Facing the demonic swing doors earns you a gold star," Raven says with a proud smirk to her lips as she hands over the notebook and her drawing of a star and the words gold star next to it. "Clarke, I'll meet you at the doctor's office. Make sure Lexa gets there."
Lexa watches Raven roll down the hall and dissappear behind the corner. She feels a hand slide into her own. Clarke's hand. Clarke's hand that is impossibly soft and holds the ability of sending waves of calm through Lexa's body.
"This way, Lex." Clarke tugs Lexa the opposite direction of where Raven is going but Lexa's feet are glued to the floor.
And then Lexa's favorite blue oceans emerge in front of her and they look at her with questioning eyes.
Lexa takes another deep breath and Clarke places her right hand across Lexa's chest, above her heart. It's something Clarke has found to be efficient when dealing with Lexa's anxiety.
Talking about the issue whilst it happens is the exact opposite of efficient, so Clarke starts talking about other things than Lexa panicking about being in a hospital.
"Thank you for helping Rae." Clarke says.
If Lexa responds to it, it's so subtle that Clarke doesn't see it.
"We've got about fifteen minutes before Rae's appointment and they have cookies and terrible hospital tea in the canteen. How about it?" Clarke moves her other hand to Lexa's neck to pull her closer.
Forehead to forehead, Clarke's soft hand on Lexa's heavy heart, they stand in the entrance hall of the hospital letting the world spin on for awhile without them. People pass by in blurs and they don't take notice of the sounds around them. They could've been back in Clarke's apartment, for all they know.
It's in this pocket of time that Lexa finally lets Clarke ground her and Clarke knows she's won this one as Lexa's arms move to pull Clarke in by the waist.
Clarke smiles by the victory and Lexa does too because when Clarke smiles Lexa can't not smile. Then Clarke pulls her the last bit closer for a kiss and it's soft and gentle and almost not a kiss because she recognizes the fragile state Lexa is in.
"Come on..." Clarke whispers against her lips and Lexa nods giving Clarke the OK to pull her along in whatever direction she'll find the terrible hospital tea.
*
Raven tells Clarke she wants to see the doctor alone but that she wants Clarke and Lexa to wait for her in the waiting room.
*
Raven comes back out with tired red eyes from crying. She watches Clarke and Lexa for a moment before rolling their way. They've pulled two chairs close together and Lexa has her arm slung over Clarke's shoulders while Clarke leans into Lexa. It's like watching them on their bench in the park, Raven thinks. She admires their ability to draw strength from one another, and she thinks maybe that's what she needs to get better, she needs to learn to be vulnerable around Clarke too.
A jolt of happiness settles in Raven's chest as she watches Clarke draw in Lexa's notebook and then Lexa smiles and takes the pen from Clarke to add to the drawing and Clarke's laughter fills the waiting room. Raven observes how the sound brings life to Lexa's eyes. She realizes right there, that she needs to let people help her if she wants to get better. She needs Anya and Clarke and even Lexa to get better.
She sighs and pushes her wheelchair towards the lovebirds.
"Get a room," Raven says gently as she stops in front of them.
"Hey Rae, how did it go?" Clarke slides out of Lexa's arms to focus on Raven.
"Well. It turns out I'm a bit of a mess. I'm allowed to take the strong pills but they need to control the dosis so I need to go in once a week for that. I also need to see the physical therapist twice a week and then I asked to be assigned a shrink." Raven says the last part looking down at her hands in her lap.
"I'm proud of you, Rae. You know, if you need anything, just let me know, okay?"
Raven nods and looks back up at both of them with a sad smile.
"I think this is gonna be the hardest run so far." she exhales shakily.
"Maybe. But you'll get through it. They let me off of the rest of the day, so... Say, we pick up ice cream and maybe some take-out... chinese? And then we throw a hell of a Couch Party with movies and self pity and such." Clarke offers.
"I'd like that." Raven smiles.
"Yeah? We promised Anya to keep you smiling until she got off work, so come on." Clarke rises from her seat.
"Lexa, would you do me the honor of steering the wheelchair again?" Raven knows Lexa needs a distraction walking through the halls of the hospital and she also knows she won't say no.
Lexa nods and takes her position behind Raven's wheelchair as they begin their journey home.