Waking Up
Blue eyes, like the sky. Golden hair that shone in the sun. Laughter flittered around in a joyous melody. A white dress.
Clarke. A vision of beauty.
Spinning around on the dance floor. A diamond ring on her left hand. Celebrating her marriage to Lexa.
Then black.
A child’s cries could be heard around the void. Emerald eyes peered around in search of where the sound had come from.
A white flash.
Clarke, sweaty and smiling. A blue bundle squirming in her arms. A dazzling smile shifting in her direction.
“Come hold your son, Lexa.”
And then nothing.
Lexa’s eyes shot open causing the dim lights above her to spin. Raising her hand and placing it to her forehead, Lexa tried to stop the sudden pounding that began to radiate from the back of her head. Feeling a slight pull at her hand she looked down to see an IV stuck into the top of it. Slowly turning her head to the left Lexa could see the heart monitor that beeped with every thump of her heart along with a vase of flowers that rested on the table next to the bed.
The sound of a door opening caught Lexa’s attention and she glanced over to see Anya walking in with a cup of coffee. Her older sister quietly closed the door before turning around and stopping in her tracks as she locked eyes with Lexa.
“Oh my god, you’re awake,”Anya rushed over to her and sat her coffee down before smoothing a hand over Lexa’s messy hair and giving her a watery smile.
“How long have I been asleep?”
“About a day. They brought you in late yesterday afternoon after everything happened. It’s almost midnight now. ”
Lexa suddenly gripped Anya’s hands as yesterday’s events came rushing back to her,“Where’s Clarke? Is she okay? I need to see her.”
Anya pushed Lexa back down to the bed as she struggled to sit up.
“Lexa, calm down. Clarke’s fine. They finished her surgery last night and now she’s resting,” Anya said quietly.
Lexa stared at Anya only to have her sister avoid all eye contact with her. Laying back down slowly, Lexa’s eyes narrowed as she began to suspect Anya of keeping something from her.
“What aren’t you telling me?”
“Can’t keep anything from you can I?” Anya paused for a moment and sat down on the edge of the bed before solemnly looking at Lexa,“The doctors say she’s fine but she still hasn’t woken up yet.”
“She got shot, Anya. She’s not going to wake up right away,” Lexa knew it wasn’t her sister she was trying to convince.
“Abby said that she should have at least woken up, if only for a few seconds. Clarke hasn’t moved or anything. She stopped breathing for three minutes on the way to the hospital but everyone said she, thankfully, has no brain damage. It’s just a matter on if her body decides to wake itself up or not,” Anya said cautiously.
“You mean when not if. I want to see her. Now.”
Ignoring the dull throbbing pain on her side Lexa sat up and threw her legs over the side of the bed before Anya could stop her. Anya rushed around to the other side of the bed where Lexa was currently trying to stand and placed her hands onto her shoulders before forcing her back down onto the bed.
“Stop. If you want to see Clarke you need to let me get a nurse in here so she can check you out first and then get you a wheelchair.”
Lexa huffed and allowed her shoulders to sag,“Fine go get the damn nurse.”
Anya nodded quickly before jogging out the door in search of the nearest nurse. Lexa watched as she disappeared through the door and waited a few moments to make sure she was gone before slowly pushing herself off the bed.
“If she thinks I’m waiting for a fucking nurse then she’s fucking crazy,” Lexa mumbled to herself.
After slowly regaining some strength in her legs Lexa clutched at her throbbing side as she made her way towards the door. Opening the it, Lexa poked her head through and looked down both sides of the hallway to make sure the coast was clear. Seeing no nurses or Anya, Lexa began walking down the left side of the hallway, using the railing on the wall for some support, searching for the nearest information desk.
Lexa walked a little further down the hallway before she saw a tall desk with ‘Patient Information’ in gold lettering neatly painted on the front. Making her way over, Lexa could see the black haired female sitting behind the desk in a pair of maroon scrubs smiling at her.
“Is there something I can help you with, ma’am?”
“Yes, I need to know what room Clarke Griffin is in, please.”
“Okay, just a moment.”
The woman began typing away at her computer and Lexa felt herself growing impatient with every click from the keyboard. Her bare foot tapped against the linoleum flooring as the woman continued her search.
“Ah. Here it is. Ms. Griffin is in room—.”
“Lexa! What the hell are you doing?”
The woman’s eyes in front of her shifted from her to stare at where Lexa knew Anya was standing behind her. Lexa turned around with a roll of her eyes to see a very upset Anya standing before her with a tall nurse behind her.
“I’m fine, Anya. I wasn’t waiting for a damn nurse. I’m going to see Clarke!” Lexa turned back to the confused woman behind her,“Now, what was that room number?”
“Uh…206. Floor five.”
“Thank you.”
Lexa turned around and began slowly making her way towards the elevators she had spotted while making her way down the hallway. Before she could walk any further, Anya stepped in front of her, arms folded across her chest, eyes giving her a steely glare.
“If you’re not going to let the nurse check you first at least get in the damn wheelchair.”
Looking from Anya to the nurse that stood next to her with a wheelchair Lexa rolled her eyes before maneuvering herself over to the chair and sitting down. The nurse began wheeling her down the hall with Anya following right next to them and deep huff left Lexa lips as she slouched deep into the chair.
“We spend way too much damn time in this hospital.”
Lexa could here Anya and the nurse snickering as they turned a corner and made their way towards the elevators.
Shift in POV (Clarke)
Bare feet pounded against the wet sand along the shore line. Heart beating like a humming birds wings. Blonde hair whipped around in the salty air as blue eyes scanned the crashing waves.
“Dad!”
After the word left her mouth the sound of the waves faded into silence as the sight of a male laying face down on the shore line caught her attention. Tears stung the shimmering blue eyes as a life guard ran over to the body and turned it over before beginning CPR.
Knees crashed to the sandy ground as all thought disappeared from her mind. Her dad. Laying lifeless on the sand. Because of her.
Darkness.
The deafening sound of a gunshot. Pain radiating all over her body. A pair of hands placed over the wound trying to hold the crimson liquid from spilling out. A desperate cry.
“Clarke?! No, no, no. Clarke! Stay with me!”
Lexa. Emerald eyes wide with fear stared back at her. A sorrowful smile graced Clarke’s lips.
“I’m sorry, Lexa.”
The void swallowed her. Blackness surrounded her from all angles. Muffled words came from all around her and she focused to understand them.
“How is she Abby?”
Maya.
“She’s stable. No brain damage. The bullet nicked her subclavian artery so she lost a lot of blood, but she’s a fighter. She stayed with us long enough for us to fix her up.”
Mom. A sniffle could be heard in the darkness around her.
Clarke could feel her body. The heavy weight of her arm that wouldn’t budge. She wished so badly to wipe away the tears she knew streaked down her mother’s cheeks but she was too weak.
She was still asleep. She fell to the floor, knees pulled to her chest as the darkness pressed in around her, threatening to pull her under once more.
A knock. The sound resonated around her like an alarm. Someone was there. Someone special. She could feel it.
“Hey, she still hasn’t woken up yet?”
Anya.
“No, nothing yet. But she’s still stable,” another sniffle from her mother.
Silence filled the void around her before a single word -a single voice- set off a blinding white light around her.
“Clarke.”
“Clarke.”
Blue eyes fluttered open as the familiar voice pulled her from the void. Clarke groaned out as she felt the intense pain in her shoulder. Hurried voice filled the room and a slender hand gripped her own firmly. Desperately.
“Clarke, can you hear me? Squeeze my hand if you can hear me.”
“Lexa.”
Her fingers squeezed around Lexa’s as she shifted her head to stare into relieved emerald eyes. A tired smile graced Clarke’s lips as she took in Lexa’s attire and the fact that she sat in a wheelchair.
“That gown looks mighty sexy on you, Lexi.”
A giggle escaped Clarke’s lips and Lexa’s eyes glazed over with tears before she let out a shaky laugh. Her hand gripped Clarke’s impossibly tighter.
“And you look sexy with that oxygen tube in your nose.”
Clarke’s unoccupied hand lifted to her face and felt the tube that blew oxygen through her nose. Before she got the change to remove it the authoritative hand of her mother stopped her in her tracks.
“No. We’re not doing that,” Abby lowered Clarke’s hand back onto the bed,“I know you both have been through a lot and just want to be with each other but I need to check your wound, Clarke. After that you’re both free to stay with each other all you want.”
The haziness of the morphine was finally beginning to leave Clarke’s brain and she nodded in understanding before looking back to Lexa. The detective pursed her lips before removing her hand from Clarke’s and pushing herself out of the wheelchair. Clare’s hand lifted to tangle in the brunette locks as Lexa leaned down and sealed her lips over hers.
Desperation. Relief. Love.
The feelings poured through Clarke as Lexa’s slightly chapped lips moved over her own. Clarke could tell, to Lexa, this kiss was one of reassurance. That she wasn’t dreaming or hallucinating. That Clarke was really here. Alive.
Clarke’s chest heaved slightly as Lexa pulled away and leaned down to whisper into her ear,“Don’t ever do anything like that again, Clarke. I couldn’t stand to see you hurt. I love you too much to see you like that ever again.”
Lexa shifted and placed a gentle kiss to her forehead. Clarke’s eyebrows furrowed as Lexa pulled away and gave her a sad smile. Something felt off. Wrong. And the feeling only increased in Clare’s gut as Lexa slowly ran a hand down her cheek and allowed her eyes to search over her face, almost as if she was trying to memorize every inch of it.
Clarke watched with worried eyes as Lexa tore her gaze away from her and sat back into her wheelchair. Emerald eyes never looked back at her as she was wheeled from the room and in that moment Clarke knew something wasn’t right.
“I’ll talk to her when she comes back in.”
If only she had known in that moment that Lexa would never step foot in Clarke’s hospital room again. Maybe she could have changed things. Maybe she could have made Lexa stay.
Three damn months.
Clarke had finally been released from the hospital a few weeks after the incident with Fin and she was finally able to mop in self despair alone. After Lexa had left Clarke’s room that day she refused to visit or see her. Clarke tried desperately to speak with Lexa. Tired to beg her through her hospital door to tell her why she wouldn’t see her. That day Clarke had busted her stitches and leaving a streak of blood in her wake as she slid down the door in heartbreak.
Anya wasn’t even able to get through to Lexa. She tried everything to help Clarke understand why Lexa was doing what she was, but to no avail. Nothing came out of Lexa’s lips about Clarke. It was almost as if she acted like she was nonexistent. Like she had never heard of Clarke.
Clarke’s emotions flung themselves all over the place while she healed in the hospital. First heartbreak. Then anger. Sadness. Back to anger. And now, here she sat in her dark apartment, wallowing in self despair. A cold, glass bottle gripped tightly in her palm. The smell of alcohol lingering from her lips. This was the third time in the past two weeks she was holding the bottle in her white knuckled grip. The third time she cried over Lexa.
Clarke lifted the bottle of vodka to her lips and took a swig of the burning liquid before standing and wobbling on her feet. She began walking towards the door, stumbling often, and made her way out into the hallway and walked towards the stairs. Clarke leaned heavily against the wall as she stumbled down the stairs and onto the floor below her. A minute or two of walking found Clarke arriving at the door that she seemed to have visited much to ofter in the past three months.
A few days after Clarke was discharged she had made her way over to Lexa’s apartment to try and beg her to talk to her only to run into Anya walking out of Lexa’s door with a large duffle bag on her shoulder. The older woman had explained that Lexa refused to come back to her apartment and insisted on staying with Anya for an unseeable amount of time. Clarke’s eyes had filled with tears and let them run down her cheeks as Anya tried to comfort her.
“She just needs time, Clarke. I don’t really know what’s going through her mind right now, but just give it some time. She’ll come around.”
That was three months ago. Three months of no Lexa. No explanation. Nothing.
Clarke placed a hand to the cool wooden door before pounding her fist repeatedly against it. She knew Lexa wasn’t home. She hadn’t been home in three months. But still, she cried out desperately as if the brunette may one day hear her.
“Why won’t you tell me why you won’t see me? Why do you keep avoiding me?” Clarke stopped banging as she rested her head against the door,“I thought you loved me.”
“I do love you, Clarke.”
Clarke’s eyes snapped open as the muffled sound of Lexa’s voice flowed through the door. Placing the bottle down on the ground Clarke placed both hands on the door and stared at it as if she would be able to see through it.
“Then why won’t you see me? What did I do, Lexa? Tell me!”
“You didn’t do anything. It’s what I did,” Lexa said quietly.
“What you did? Lexa, you didn’t do anything!”
“Yes, I did. I got you hurt. You almost died, Clarke.”
Clarke heard the soft thump of something against the door and assumed Lexa had punched it in self anger. Placing her forehead against the door, Clarke tired hard to imagine that it was Lexa standing before her and not a wooden door.
“It’s not your fault! It was Fin! He’s the one that did this! If anyone’s to blame it’s him. You didn’t ask for this, Lexa! Please just open the door and we can talk about this!”
“But I’m the reason we had to deal with Fin in the first place. If I never would have taken that undercover job then we wouldn’t be in this mess. You never would have gotten shot. Your heart never would have stopped beating those three minutes in the ambulance,” Lexa said, her voice cracking at the end.
Clarke felt her heart squeeze painfully at the thought. Lexa had almost lost her. Her mother had told her just how close to death she had come, but Clarke never really thought about it. Not until she heard Lexa whisper it with such heartbreak.
“Just go home, Clarke. You’re better off without me. Trust me.”
Clarke could hear Lexa walk away from the door and she resumed banging against it,“No! Lexa, you can’t do this! You need to come out here and talk to me! I need you to talk to me! Please! Just, please…”
Her words fell on deaf ears and Clarke turned around to place her back against the door before sliding down onto the hard floor, defeated. Sobs escaped Clarke’s lips as she grabbed the bottle of vodka next to her before once more pulling it up to her lips and letting the alcohol pour down her throat and over the painful lump that had formed there. A few more long swigs and the once half full bottle now lay empty at Clarke’s side. To weak, and drunk, to move Clarke decided to just lay herself down in front of Lexa’s door and close her eyes. The last thing Clarke remembered before falling into a drunken slumber was the sound of a door opening and a deep sorrowful sigh behind her.