Roses and Beers
Hey Cait, before you read this I want you to know that none of this is your fault. I love you with my whole heart and soul. You’re the best person to ever come into my life, I could never thank you enough for all of the great times we’ve had together. I’m really sorry to do this to you, I just can’t hold on any longer. For the longest time I’ve held on hoping things would get better, but they just never did. I need you to promise me something, promise me that you’ll stay strong. I know you’re going to get through this. Just take a deep breath and it’ll all be okay. I want you to life an amazing life with people who love and support you. And I’m sorry that life won’t include me. You’re the best thing to happen to me. I love you, always and forever.
That was the last message she ever got from him. That was the last thing Jayce Talis ever said to her. Minutes after sending his last text he was laying on the cold bathroom floor, blood pouring from his wrists. The paramedics had gotten there too late, even after 20 minutes of CPR he couldn’t be saved. She could remember the way his mother’s voice broke as she sobbed over the phone. Caitlyn had been in so much shock, she had dropped her phone onto the dull carpet beneath her with a panicked gasp. With a deep inhale the realization hit her, a moment in one’s life that she wouldn’t wish her dearest enemies to experience. Her best friend had taken his own life.
One might think the hardest part of losing someone in quite a way would be the sorrow felt by their absence. Possibly the betrayal of them leaving you alone in such a way, a way that was purely their choice. Though on this very day, Caitlyn stands in front of Jayce’s rose-covered casket. Her eyes scan his still face, his cold and lifeless body, the soft smile spread across his tanned lips that she just knew was crafted for the ‘aesthetic’ of the ceremony. In this very moment she felt nothing but a gentle reminder of his absence, only a whisper of anger at him echoed within her mind.
At this time all she felt was a siren of his call, a call that clouded any logic or reason with a clouded haze. A siren that only welcomed the idea that his blood was on her hands, that the slits surrounding his wrists were there because of her. A deafening screech that only grew louder with each passing moment. Nothing had ever been more clear to her. The world blurred with every second but standing out in perfect detail was a thought that she had so desperately tried to bury. It was her fault that her best friend was dead.
She isn’t sure how long she’s been standing there, examining his every feature, memorizing every imperfection. He had on a snug pale blue suit and a white tie is sat around his neck. She’s whipped out of her thoughts by a gentle tap on the shoulder. An older woman, around 50, stands next to her. The woman was wearing a long black dress that passed her knees, her hair was tied up into a neat black bun. “You know other people would like to see him,” she points out with a hint of harshness.
“Oh yes, I’m sorry,” She whispers before forcing her legs to move from under her. She didn’t want to leave. Truly she would have been fine in that moment forever, standing there under the dull light from the ceiling above her. Memorizing the face she knew all too well. A face she’d never see again. If she didn’t know better she would have told the lady no. Though, her better judgement told her that she wasn’t the only one grieving him. Her legs barely kept their balance, almost as if she might collapse at any moment. Unaware of her surroundings or where she might be headed, her legs press her forward.
Her momentum is harshly stopped by a wall of pink hair. “Oh my, I’m sorry,” she manages before stepping back and looking up at the girl in front of her. Anger seethed through her as she took in the sight before her, Vi. Caitlyn and Vi had never been friends, they had always remained civil for the sake of peace. Jayce had always thought fondly of Violet yet Cait found her insufferable. She hated the way that she found a way to turn every matter into a joke. The way she called everyone stupid nicknames. Most of all she hated the way that everyone seemed to love her. She had never found one person speak bad of Violet and it killed her. “You.”
“Hey Cupcake.” Vi says with a gentle mutter, her hands buried in her pockets.
“Don’t call me that!” Caitlyn raises her voice into a slight cry. What nerve she had, to call her that. At a funeral of all places. That’s when it dawned on her, Vi was at Jayce’s funeral. Vi and Jayce had always been close, to the point where Cait had grown jealous of their chemistry at times. Vi was here and alive, Jayce wasn’t. She looks up at Vi’s cold gray eyes. Any anger she had previously felt at herself was redirected in a single moment. “You did this.”
“What are you talking about?” Vi asks defensively.
“You didn’t stop him. You should have stopped him.” She steps closer to the redhead, eyes beaming with rage.
“Cait that isn’t fair,” She pulls her hands out of her pockets. Her fingers slowly make their way to Cait’s cheek; her thumb slowly circles over the soft skin.
Caitlyn leans into the touch, she had no idea why she accepting the woman’s embrace. “I should have known.” She speaks with a volume barely above a whisper. Vi’s touch on her cheek was gentle, a comfort she hadn’t felt in longer than she could remember. Vi brings her hand down to Caitlyn’s wrist, pulling their bodies together into a soothing hug.
“Don’t say that, it’s not your fault.” She wraps her arms around the blue-haired girl. Vi didn’t know if her words were intended for Caitlyn, or for herself. “You couldn’t have known.” She breathes into the girls neck; she could smell the sweet vanilla sent of the girls perfume, not that it mattered. This was a funeral, hardly the place to be thinking of such things.
Caitlyn leans into the girl, not daring to speak. Part of her couldn’t believe she was accepting affection from Vi. Another even louder part of her wanted to never leave the girls grasp. Her touch felt surreal, it felt as though for a single moment everything around them had stopped. The voices and sobs around them slowed until it was all a blurred mutter. The lights appeared to dim as they stood, holding each other for dear life. Tomorrow she could go back to hating Vi, but maybe for now they could stay like this. Just maybe time would stop, and she could be held like this forever.
She wasn’t sure how long they had stood there, wrapped in a tight embrace. All she knew was the crowd that once had swarmed his casket was now clearing out the front doors. It must had been time to go to the cemetery. Caitlyn pulls herself away from Vi’s grasp. With the comfort of her touch gone she’s immediately transported back into the dull, cold reality she was faced with. Her eyes met Vi’s in a quick glance. There’s something there she hadn’t seen before, longing, pain, feelings she herself knew all too well. “We should get going,” she explained. She wanted Vi to tell her to stay. She wanted her to wrap her muscular arms around her and hold her for just a moment. Sadly, that’s not the response she gets.
“Are you going to be alright to drive?” The concern in her voice is clear, she had no idea why she cared about Caitlyn. The girl had only ever been snark and snappy with her. So, why was she standing here, worried about her wellbeing. Why did she miss the woman’s warmth?
“Yeah, I’ll be okay.” She nods, eyes glued to the floor.
“Alright, be safe.”
“You too.”
…………………
During the rest of the funeral Caitlyn had made it her personal mission to ignore Vi. Her heart ached as she watched the girl attempt to step closer, only to be met with a cold silence. Any time she felt bad she reminded herself that Jayce was what mattered now, not Vi. The only reason why Vi was being so nice was because of Jayce, she didn’t need pity. She watched as pink roses were placed over the man’s body. As they preached Bible Verses over his corpse. It all made Caitlyn’s stomach queazy. Jayce had never been religious, he was a man of science. Yet, the last memories of him would be tainted with images of a god that he never associated himself with.
She wondered how one could believe in God’s existence. She was always being told to look towards the lord. How could a god be real when he allowed this to happen to her best friend? Those who choose to believe in Christianity weren’t bad people. But even with that frame in mind it felt like a stab in the throat seeing his imagine covered in crosses and the holy word. The world will never know what he was capable of. The science he was destined to go on and create. He was supposed to change the world. Now, he’s nothing more than a pile of bone’s in a blue striped suit. It was pitiful.
The funeral ended shortly after and Caitlyn heads to her car. She doesn’t even bother to pay her respects to Jayce’s mom before stepping out. What did it matter? She wasn’t family anymore, Jayce had made sure of that. She’d message her in a few days, for now she needed an escape. To think about anyone other than Jayce. Tears well in her eyes as she stares out at the gravestones that litter the ground. Some of the graves are covered in flowers, pinwheels, pictures, and other decorations. Others are bare with plaque and mildew growing off the sides. She wondered how long it would be till Jayce’s grave turned into the latter.
She must have been sitting in her car for awhile, as she’s jolted back into reality with a knock on the window. Her head darts to her left to see a familiar face standing outside her door. Opening her door slightly, she responds to the woman. Her face and eyes are still glued to the view in front of her. “Vi, whatever it is you have to say; I don’t want to hear it.”
“Cait, you don’t look okay. Need a ride home?” Her voice is sincere and calm.
Caitlyn had no idea why Vi was suddenly so nice. She wasn’t in the mood to play another one of her games. “Oh I’m okay. I’m just great actually. My best friend just killed himself and my dad happens to get called into surgery right before his funeral. But yeah, I’m bloody fantastic.” The mockery in her voice was evident. Vi had done nothing to deserve such harsh treatment yet Caitlyn couldn’t stop herself from continuing. “Oh and also, this pink-haired twink keeps following me around, and can’t seem to take a hint.” Her chin quivers as she speaks, her words beginning to sound more like a hiss. Her hands grip the steering wheel so tight her knuckles turn white.
“Cait, I need you to let me drive you home.” She tries her best to remain calm despite the punch in the throat Caitlyn’s words had been. Caitlyn had always been oblivious to social cues and cocky at times, but hurting others on purpose. Vi had never known she was capable of it.
“You don’t need anything from me. Since when have you ever paid any mind to any of my concerns. At least one good thing came from Jayce’s death; I get to go back home, and forget you ever existed.” Her tone is sharp, her words like a million small daggers. Her stomach churned and her eyes stung as she slammed the car door shut. She started the car and began to drive off, staring at Vi in the mirror she found her standing there without moving. She started to feel bad for what she had said, perhaps Vi hadn’t deserved all of it. Though any remorse left in her quickly dissolved as she remembered Jayce and the life he was supposed to live. This was all Vi’s fault wasn’t it? She should have stopped him, should have noticed, something. Caitlyn was in no mood to ponder on the morality of her thoughts or decisions. All that was on her mind was an escape, to forget everything for a little while. She knew exactly where to go for just that.
………….
Caitlyn found herself in a dark and empty, comer of Jericho’s, sipping slowly on a beer. She had never been one to drink, she had only ever gotten drunk twice. The first time was when she was 15 when she had gotten invited to a party for the first time, she had been pressured into drinking more and more until her “friends” abandoned her at a gas station. The second time was the day after her mother’s funeral, around a year ago. Truly she found alcohol immature and a waste of time. Currently, as she sat downing her third beer in 20 minutes. She couldn’t have cared less about her opinions on alcohol. She needed an escape, a release.
“Is this seat taken?”
Caitlyn looks up to find Vi standing in front of her, she was still in her black button up and dress pants. Great, as if her day could get any worse. Cait lets out a grunt, too tired to put in any actual effort when speaking to the girl.
Vi takes her lack of a response as an invitation, promptly pulling out the chair in front of her. She raises her arm a worker. After ordering them both a beer she faces Caitlyn.
“How did you know I was here?” Caitlyn asks with a soft voice. Her eyes still look down at her now empty beer bottle.
“I didn’t.” She says with a small smile, “I come down here to Jericho’s all the time. My dad used to be buddies with the guy. You know with them both owning downtown bars and all.”
“Oh,” is all Caitlyn manages to say. She’s suddenly flooded with a strong wave of regret. Here Vi was, again. Perhaps Vi hadn’t deserved such harsh treatment. One of the workers brings them their beers and they drink in silence, neither daring to speak. Caitlyn wonders how Vi is handling Jayce’s death, she always looked so stoic. It was hard to tell if she didn’t feel anything, or if she felt so much that she locked it all in.
Looking Vi in the eyes, Caitlyn began speaking. “I remember, the very first time I ever drank. A bunch of girls dropped me off at a gas station, and they just left. I was so scared of my mom finding out; she was terrifying back then. Anyway, I called Jayce, he was on a date with some girl I think. Dropped everything and came to pick me up, let me sleep on his couch until I felt better the next day. He was always doing those little things for me.” A soft smile began spreading over her lips as she spoke. Her words were slurred and slow as the alcohol took its place in her veins.
“He was always there when you needed him. One time around three years ago I got dumped by this chick. It absolutely crushed me, couldn’t get myself out of bed or anything. He found out and dropped everything. Arrived at my house twenty minutes later with some pizza and brownies. Stayed with me for days until I felt better,” Vi laughed, taking another sip of her drink.
“We convinced my mom he was gay so that we could hang out more,” Caitlyn chuckled, forgetting her sorrow for a moment. “We made up a boyfriend for him, Viktor I believe his name was. My poor mother bought the whole thing.”
“Well, he always was a little fruity. I see why she bought it. Sure he wasn’t just in denial Cupcake?” Vi laughs, holding herself back from getting lost into the crystal eyes that were now locked in place with hers. She looked strangely beautiful like this. The way her laugh brightened her entire face.
“Yeah he always was a little-” Caitlyn pauses, a pit forming in her stomach. She reaches for her beer finishing the rest of the bottle. “He’s really gone. Isn’t he?”
“Yeah, he’s gone.” Vi sighs, rubbing her fingers together as she glances at the table.
“I’ll never see him again. Oh, Vi! I’ll never hear his laugh again. I’ll never watch cheesy rom-coms with him again. He just disappeared, and life is moving like he never mattered.” Her cries grow frantic as she searched for her breath.
“It’s alright. I’ve got you.” Vi reaches her hand out, pressing her fingers against the girls arm.
“He got everything he wanted. He’s not living on this terrible planet anymore and I’m just stuck here crumbling.” Her speech slurs as her head drops, the alcohol beginning to cloud her thoughts.
“We’re going to be okay, I promise. You made it through Cassandra’s death. You’ll make it through this too.”
“Keep my mother’s name out of your mouth,” she stutters. Her voice is loopy and her vision begins to shift out of focus.
Vi’s fist begins to tense as she bites down on her bottom lip. “Look Caitlyn, I know we haven’t always been super tight. Frankly I have no idea why I care so much. For some reason I feel like you need me and I think I need you too. I know that this is all a lot right now but I don’t need you treating me like a-”
“Vi!” Caitlyn pants, a heat spreads from her core with pulsing waves.
“I wasn’t done talking,” Vi groans.
“Vi, I’m going to be sick.” She doubles over as her face takes an unmistakable shade of blue.
“Great,” Vi whispers under her breath. She grabs the woman’s hand, leading her into the small bathroom. Opening up the stall, Caitlyn reaches for the bowl. She almost misses as the acid travels up her throat, burning its entire path. Vi grabs the woman’s long blue hair, pulling it up at she vomits into the toilet. Caitlyn’s hair was surprisingly soft despite it all. Vi noticed that her hair had a light smell of sugar and fruit. “Shh, Shh, you’re okay. I’ve got you.” Vi rubs small circles into her back as Caitlyn’s quick breaths quickly turn into whimpers.
Waiting some time, Caitlyn lifts herself off the floor. Tears flow down her red puffy face. Vi leads her over to the sinks, slowly wetting a paper towel and pressing it to her face. “Wash your mouth out,” Vi insists.
After finishing in the bathroom Vi pulls them to their table. “You’re coming home with me. Don’t try to fight me.”
“Vi, I’m okay I promise,” she slurs, her eyes foggy.
“I’m not leaving you alone, drunk with everything that’s happened today.” She grabs Caitlyn’s bag and throws it over her shoulder.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Caitlyn protests, crossing her arms over her chest.
“I means that you’re sleeping in my bed tonight come on.” She guides them to her car, lowering Caitlyn into the passengers seat.
“Should you be driving?” Caitlyn asks, her posh accent slipping through.
“I only had one beer, I’ll be fine. Get some rest okay.”
“Okay.”
They arrive at Vi’s apartment building. Vi gently taps Caitlyn on the shoulder. “Five more minutes,” she whines with a grunt. Opening her eyes she finds herself in a parking lot, with a redhead next to her. Vi steps out of the car, walking over to the passengers seat. She opens the door to find Caitlyn slouched over. Knowing there was no way for Cait to get up the stairs, she lifts up Caitlyn carrying her to the apartment.
“I can walk,” she complains in a soft whisper.
“You’ll fall, let me help.” Vi replies, her eyes focused on getting them into the building.
Not having the energy to fight back, Cait gives in. The redhead takes them into the apartment, resting Caitlyn onto her small full-sized bed. The sheets feel soft under her skin, she could have fallen asleep then and there. Walking over to the small wooden dresser Vi pulls out a large oversized shirt and some small shorts. She hands them to Cait, telling her to change into them.
Caitlyn attempts to take off her dress, only to be met with a drunk resistance. “Let me help,” Vi offers. She carefully unclasps the back of Caitlyn’s long black dress. “Arms up.” She lifts the dress over the long body, grabbing the shirt next to her. Pulling the shirt over her head she lifts up Cait’s hips, allowing her to push up the shorts.
Feeling a wave of exhaustion take over her Caitlyn’s eyes begin forcing themselves closed.
“You should get some sleep.” Vi offers a gentle smile before tucking Caitlyn into the comforter.
“I’m sorry, for what I said.” Caitlyn apologizes, suddenly feeling guilty for her past actions. Vi didn’t have to do any of this yet she did. That has to stand for something.
“I know.” Vi walks over to the door, turning off the bedroom light. “Goodnight Cupcake.” With that the door was shut, leaving Caitlyn alone with her thoughts.
Could this be the start of something new?