Chapter 3
“Did you have good night?”
“Hm.”
“How good?”
“Sorry?”
Lexa looks up and watches Anya as she waters her plants. She always waters them when she’s at Lexa’s place, because she knows Lexa usually forgets to.
“It’s rare for you to go out, let alone on your own. I saw the photos from Costia’s premiere. You look like someone forced you to go with a loaded weapon.”
“Don’t be overdramatic, Anya. It was just one bad photo.”
“Seven. And that’s just the papers I saw.”
Lexa sighs.
“So I didn’t have fun. It’s not like there is a law against that.”
Anya sets down the watering can and carefully turns one of the pots around to make sure the plant gets more daylight.
“No there isn’t. But if you’re not having fun why are you going to these things?”
“Costia asked me to.”
“Just like Costia is responsible that you still haven’t finished the chapters you promised me?”
Lexa rubs her eyes. Anya has a point and she knows it. She should have finished the chapters by now, but something … or someone keeps her busy.
“It’s not entirely her fault. I could just say no.”
“Yes, but you don’t. But when you’re spending time with her you don’t seem happy either. What is it, Lex? Do you like the girl or don’t you?”
“I do like her, but I am not sure if I ‘like’ like her.”
Anya stares at her like she has a really bad case of stupid.
“If you don’t know that, it’s probably a no. You might want to think about that.”
Lexa knows she’s right. She knows, because she’s had this particular argument with herself a few times already. At least twice today.
“I know.”
“You know what?”
“I just know. Can we leave it at that?”
Anya studies her for a second, before she nods. She knows her cousin. There is no point in trying to convince Lexa. She has to make up her mind on her own, but Anya knows Lexa isn’t head over heels for Costia. It is plain to see. Also, Anya is pretty sure that Lexa has never been head over heels for anybody.
“So, what about this party? It was nice?”
“Yes.”
“Did you meet people?”
“Yes, I did. In fact, I even made music with some of them.”
Now Anya is all ears.
“Music? As in you played the guitar? I always loved listening to you play.”
Lexa looks at her.
“Yes, Anya, as in playing the guitar … and maybe some singing …”
Anya grins.
“Okay, exactly how drunk were you?”
“Not that drunk.”
“If you weren’t drunk, who did you want to impress?”
“No one.”
Her answer comes too fast again. She really has to work on that.
“No one, huh? Does this no one have a name?”
Lexa sighs. She knows Anya. She is like a bloodhound.
Once she’s picked up a trail she is relentless.
Lexa hesitates, but Anya just keeps staring at her, so she says the name that has been on her mind the whole day anyway: “Clarke.”
It tastes like rich dark chocolate on her lips.
“Clarke? Isn’t that a boy’s name?”
“Not in this particular case.”
“Hm.”
“What’s ‘Hm’ supposed to mean?”
“It means that you just blushed when you said the name. It means that you like this girl.”
“I didn’t blush.”
Anya laughs.
“Oh, but you did.”
Lexa tries to focus on the screen in front of her.
“Listen, I am almost done with the last chapter, but I promised Costia to meet her today.”
Anya groans and Lexa rolls her eyes at her.
“You promised not to say anything.”
“And I didn’t.”
“Your ‘not saying anything’ is pretty loud.”
Anya walks over to her and puts her hands on Lexa’s shoulders.
“Listen, kiddo, I am your cousin and your manager. As you manager I tell you to please try and keep your deadlines. As your cousin and friend I beg you to clear the air with Costia … and find out if this Clarke person has any interest in you.”
“She does.”
“She does?”
“Yes.”
“Then what the hell are you waiting for?”
Right. What the hell is she waiting for?
----
“Wow, you really look like hell ...”
Bellamy rubs his temples and groans. He has a hangover and he hates it.
Clarke on the other hand looks like life itself.
“Why are you so chipper? When did you leave?”
“About three a.m? Where’s O?”
“Probably still asleep. I would be, too, if the damn doorbell hadn’t kept ringing.”
He turns around and leaves Clarke at the door. She laughs.
“I brought breakfast.”
He stops.
“What do you mean, you ‘brought’ breakfast?”
“Well, I brought rolls, muffins, bagels and eggs. I figured you have the rest.”
“Hm.”
He swallows. Breakfast seems like a good idea.
“Okay, you make breakfast and I’ll try to answer your questions.”
Clarke looks at him.
“What questions?”
He grins.
“The questions about Lexa Woods you’re dying to ask me.
That’s why you’re here, aren’t you?”
“I can’t just come around to bring you breakfast?”
She looks a little offended and he laughs at her.
“No.”
Clarke sighs.
“Fair enough. Follow me to the kitchen.”
She starts to get everything ready. She knows where the plates, forks and knives are and which mugs Bellamy and Octavia favor. She puts everything on the kitchen table and fills the coffee machine with water and ground coffee. Bellamy sits down, rests his elbows on the table and puts his head in his hands. He watches Clarke as she starts to prepare the eggs.
“So, what do you want to know?”
“Why do you think that I want to know anything?”
“Because of the way you looked at her. It’s the same way she looked at you, by the way.”
“She did?”
“Yes.”
“She’s with Costia Ortiz.”
“Didn’t sound too serious to me.”
“She was at her movie premiere. There are pictures.”
He laughs.
“Yeah, but did you see her face?!”
Clarke grins.
“Okay. I see your point. … Doesn’t change the fact that the woman is a fucking model and a movie star, though.”
She seasons the eggs with salt, pepper and paprika.
“So … what do you know about Lexa?”
Bell tries to focus which is hard, considering that the drum solo in his head keeps playing on.
“She’s 38. She’s a writer. A good one, I might add. I can lend you her books if you’d like.”
Clarke nods.
“She’s been living in New York for about two months now. She’s the silent type, but nice. Comes into the coffee shop every other day to get a latte with one sugar, sometimes a Danish. I’ve never seen her with somebody. I think I read in an article that she has a cousin who’s her manager. Her parents died when she was a kid. Her aunt and uncle raised her.”
He thinks for a moment.
“Well, I guess that’s all I can offer.”
He grins.
“That and her phone number.”
The kitchen smells like coffee and scrambled eggs by now and Bell realizes how hungry he is.
There is motion in the hallway and a second later Octavia enters the room.
She rubs her eyes and yawns.
“Clarke?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing here?”
“I made breakfast.”
Octavia nods and falls down in a chair next to her brother.
“Did you go home with Lexa last night? Or am I imagining things?”
Clarke looks up.
“The latter. We just walked out together.”
O’s face turns into a sleepy smile.
“But you would have liked to go home with her.”
Clarke grins.
“Shut up.”
Now both Blakes are grinning.
Clarke tries her best to ignore them and puts the eggs and the coffee on the table. She doesn’t bother to search the fridge for milk. There is never any. The siblings take their coffee black.
She grabs the sugar and takes a carton of milk from her bag.
“All set. Who’s hungry?”
Octavia looks at her.
“Well, I most certainly am.”
Before she can take the first bite the doorbell rings and she groans.
“What the hell?”
She gets up and answers the door. A second later Clarke and Bellamy hear squealing.
Bellamy gets up without a word and takes one more plate and a mug from the cupboard.
“Seems like our hero is back in town.”
----
Lexa opens the door and looks at Costia and the unholy amount of paper bags she is carrying.
“What the hell is that?”
Costia grins.
“Take out.”
“Doesn’t look like it. It looks more like you raided Eataly … and a few other establishments.”
“I might have gone a little overboard, but I wanted something classy and you wanted take out. This is the compromise.”
She hands Lexa a bottle.
“Can you put the champagne in the icebox for a second?”
Lexa takes the bottle and does as she is told.
About five seconds ago she was determined to talk to Costia about their relationship. Now she wavers. How can she tell her that she isn’t in love with her when Costia just spent what seems like the monthly income of an average family to buy food for her? She sighs.
“Is your chapter done?”
“Almost. In fact, Anya was here this afternoon to remind me of my duties.”
“Duties?”
Costia is standing pretty close right now.
“I know other duties you should definitely fulfill.”
Lexa backs away the slightest bit and Costia sees it.
She is good when it comes to interpreting body language. It’s part of her job.
“What?”
Lexa doesn’t know how to answer. She has to clear her head.
“Nothing. I’m just a little tired. I’ve been writing all day.”
Costia looks at her like she isn’t quite sure she believes her, but she lets it slide anyway.
“How was the party?”
“It was fun. I met a few people, drank a few beers and made some music.”
“You play an instrument?”
Lexa looks at her with her eyebrow raised.
“You’ve seen my guitar?”
Costia laughs.
“Yeah, but I always thought it had a more decorative purpose.”
She opens the bags and starts to put the food on the table. And there is so much food.
“Really, Costia, who is going to eat all of this?”
“I might. I’m hungry.”
She is right. For someone as thin as her she really can eat.
Lexa takes out plates, forks and knives and puts them on the table while Costia lights a candle.
“Anya doesn’t like me, does she?”
“Anya doesn’t like anyone and she doesn’t know you.”
“But she told you to stop hanging out with me.”
Lexa stops what she is doing.
“Anya would never tell me anything like that. She is concerned, because I don’t put enough effort in my work and she is right.”
She sits down and sighs.
Costia sits down across from her.
“What is it, Lexa? Something is wrong. It’s been wrong for over a week now and I can’t stand it anymore.”
She is so beautiful and sweet. It breaks Lexa’s heart. She feels the tears in her eyes and curses herself for it.
“I am sorry. I don’t know … I just don’t know.”
Costia looks at her.
“You don’t love me.”
Love. The word has never come up before. It’s a pretty big word. A scary word.
“I don’t know how that feels, Cos. I’ve never been in love.”
Costia looks at her like she just said the silliest thing she has ever heard.
“You’ve never been in love? That’s simply impossible!”
Lexa sighs.
“It’s very much possible.”
“But the people in your books fall in love all the time.”
“They do.”
“But you don’t know how that feels?”
“No.”
“So, you’re faking it?”
“Yes.”
Costia stares at her now.
“You really don’t know how love feels?”
“No.”
Lexa is aware that she is repeating herself, but it is the truth. She doesn’t know how it feels. She knows what attraction feels like and she has cared for people, but love? The sort of love songs are about … she doesn’t know that.
Costia studies her like she tries to find out if she’s telling the truth.
“You don’t love me?”
Lexa remains motionless on her chair.
“No. … I am sorry.”
Costia doesn’t look angry, she looks hurt.
“And you don’t think that can change?”
Lexa shakes her head. She really doesn’t.
“Is there somebody else?”
Lexa was afraid of this question, mainly because she doesn’t know how to answer it.
She looks at Costia and doesn’t want to hurt her even more. She decides to tell her the truth.
“I don’t know how to answer that.”
“So there is somebody.”
“She doesn’t have anything to do with this. I have only met her yesterday.”
“She was at the party?”
“Yes.”
Now Costia’s expression turns from hurt to anger.
“Did you sleep with her?”
“No.”
“Did you kiss her?”
“No.”
“Then how do you know she is worth throwing away what we have?”
She almost screams the last sentence at her.
Lexa sighs.
“This is not about her, Costia. It’s about us. It’s about you getting emotionally involved while I am not.”
She briefly reaches for Costia’s hand, but stops the second she realizes what she’s doing.
“I care for you, Cos. I really do, but I am not in love with you. And you deserve someone who is.”
There are tears now. On both sides and Costia wipes hers away angrily.
“How can you be so sure about this?”
“I am not sure of anything, Cos. I just know that it doesn’t feel right. You and me. It doesn’t feel right.”
“But you and this woman does?”
Lexa thinks about the little beauty mark above the left corner of Clarke’s mouth, about her smile and the color of her eyes and her answer surprises even herself.
“Yes.”
Costia looks at her for a long while. She studies her like it’s her intention to burn Lexa’s image into her memory. After what feels like an eternity she gets up.
“You know what, Lexa? The way you just smiled, the way you look when you think about her … that’s how love feels.”
“Costia …”
“Please, don’t … I don’t want your pity, Lexa. All I want is for you to look that way when you think about me … but that’s not going to happen, is it?”
She straightens her back and moves around the table.
“I will leave for Mexico on Friday. Maybe when I come back we can talk. Maybe we can be friends, but right now I have to go. I have to go and not see you, because if I stay it will break me. If I stay …”
She leans down and kisses Lexa’s cheek. Her lips linger for a moment and Lexa feels Costia’s tears mix with her own.
“Don’t forget to take the champagne out of the cooler.”
She puts her hand on Lexa’s shoulder for a second before she leaves.