Chapter 4
“Damn, girl! You really are all or nothing, aren’t you?”
Anya fills two glasses with champagne. She has also eaten a lot of the food.
She sees no reason to let good food go to waste.
Lexa just looks at her. She isn’t hungry. She just broke somebody’s heart.
“So are you going to meet this Clarke girl now?”
“Don’t you think there should be a little break between dating people?”
“Nope.”
Anya grins. She has never been particularly shy when it comes to dating.
“You have to get back on the horse.”
“I thought you wanted me to write?”
Anya looks at her.
“The way you’re looking right now I don’t want you anywhere near a keyboard. You’d probably kill off your best character just to punish yourself.”
Lexa takes her glass and drinks the champagne. It’s good. It’s expensive. She shouldn’t be drinking it. It’s made for celebrations. She should be drinking shots. Something to make her forget about how she feels. She may not have been in love with Costia, but she’s definitely feeling like shit right now.
“You’re right. I shouldn’t be writing. I should be drinking.”
She gets up and walks to the cupboard. There is some whiskey left.
She looks at Anya, silently asking her if she wants some, too, but Anya shakes her head.
“Kiddo, this is champagne. The good stuff. I’ll stick to this.”
Lexa nods and gets a glass for herself. She fills it and sits back down, keeping the bottle close by.
“Are you sure you don’t want to eat something first?”
Anya looks at her with a concern.
“I know you feel shitty right now, but it was the right decision, Lex. You know that it was.”
Lexa stares at the glass and nods.
“I know.”
She drinks. It doesn’t make her feel better.
She fills the glass again.
“I shouldn’t have let it come this far. I knew she was falling for me. I should have stopped seeing her.”
“Maybe. But Costia is a grown woman. She knew what she was getting into.”
“She didn’t know I have never been in love …”
“So you keep saying.”
“I am telling the truth.”
She looks at Anya.
“You have known me my whole life. Have you ever seen me in a state that you would consider ‘being in love’”?
Anya thinks for a while, then she shakes her head.
“Probably not.”
They drink in silence for a while. At some point Anya puts the rest of the food in Lexa’s fridge. She knows Lexa will punish herself and she can do nothing about that, but keep her company and make sure she doesn’t do anything stupid. She watches her have one drink after another and at whiskey number six Lexa is drunk enough not to argue when she takes away the bottle. She pulls her out of the chair and almost carries her to the bedroom.
She doesn’t bother to get the woman out of her jeans. She just lets her fall onto the bed and pulls the covers over her. Lexa growls a little.
Anya walks back to the kitchen and gets a bottle of water and an aspirin and puts both items on the nightstand.
She looks at her cousin and sighs. She doesn’t know why it is so complicated for Lexa just to be happy for once in a while. It’s like her mind never stops running worst case scenarios. Like she always expects something bad to happen. For her to be left alone. Maybe that is why she never fully invests in a relationship. Maybe that is why Lexa seems so damn sad all the time.
She bows down and kisses Lexa’s forehead.
“Sleep now, dummy.”
She walks out of the room and closes the door behind her. She will stay on the couch.
----
Lexa wakes up to the sound of her phone buzzing. Or maybe it is her head that’s buzzing. She isn’t sure.
She tries to sit up, but the world is spinning faster than usual or maybe she is just slower.
She stays on her back for a little while longer and stares at the ceiling. Maybe she should paint it some day.
When she reaches for the phone it has stopped buzzing. She looks at it. It’s a message from Anya checking up on her, telling her to drink water and take the aspirin on her nightstand.
She does and waits for it to make the pain go away. She really shouldn’t have drunk that much. Why did she drink that much?
Costia.
It comes back to her now and a different kind of pain makes her groan. At least she doesn’t feel sick, but that’s as good as it gets.
She looks at her alarm clock. It’s 10 a.m.
She gets up, takes a shower and puts on jeans and a shirt before she leaves the house. The fresh air usually helps when she has a hangover.
She thinks she is walking around aimlessly, but somehow her feet have their own idea about that and when she looks up she is standing right in front of Bellamy’s coffee shop. He is watching her through the big glass windows and waves for her to come in. She sighs.
“Jeez, Lexa, you look … pale.”
She glances up at him and knows exactly how she looks. Pale is a very flattering description.
“You can say it like it is. I look like crap.”
He grins and turns to fill a cup with coffee that he places on the counter in front of her.
He adds milk and one sugar and carefully pushes the cup a little further in her direction.
“Take this and tell me why it is you look like crap? Bad night?”
“Yes.”
She picks up the cup and has a sip. The coffee tastes heavenly.
She looks around, but the shop is empty. Bellamy smiles.
“You’re too late to meet Clarke. Her shift usually starts at eight.”
She nods and he looks at her.
“Why don’t you sit down, Lexa?”
She does. She’s too tired to argue and maybe there is a reason that she came here. Just maybe.
Bellamy walks around the counter and sits down across from her.
“So, what happened to you?”
She wonders if she should tell him. For some people an actress and a writer breaking up is news and he could sell it, but she knows he won’t.
He’s a decent guy.
“I broke up with Costia.”
He nods.
“Because of Clarke?”
She looks up.
“No. Because I … I wasn’t. It wasn’t … It felt like the right thing to do.”
“You’re not in love with her?”
“No.”
“Okay.”
Lexa looks at him.
“Why did you ask if it was because of Clarke?”
He smiles and has a déjà vu when he utters his next sentence.
“Because of the way you looked at her.”
“How did I … What are you talking about?”
He laughs at her.
“Lexa, come on. I could see the sparks fly from the second you first saw her. You like Clarke and fortunately for you she seems to like you, too. Don’t make this complicated.”
She stares at him. How can this not be complicated?
“I hardly know her.”
“So?”
“I’m just saying that I didn’t break up with Costia, because I am interested in Clarke.”
“That’s not the point.”
“What do you think is the point?”
He grins.
“The point is that you like Clarke and Clarke likes you. The point is that it’s clear to see and no matter what you do, it’s going to happen. … Do you believe in fate, Lexa?”
“No.”
She shakes her head.
He grins even more.
“Well, I do. Give me your phone.”
“Why?”
“Just trust me, Woods.”
She does. She doesn’t know why, but she trusts him, and so she puts her phone in his hands. He adds a number.
“Don’t be an idiot, Lexa, and call her.”
He points at the coffee.
“It’s on the house.”
----
Lexa sits on her couch and stares at the phone like it is supposed to do something.
Only it can’t, because Clarke doesn’t have her number and Lexa hasn’t texted or called her yet. She wants to, but she doesn’t know what to say.
And even if she does … if she texts her or calls her the ball will be rolling and she will be in uncharted territory. Lexa hates uncharted territory.
She hates not knowing what will happen.
She sighs.
She still has a headache and she waits another fifteen minutes before she finally gets up, packs her things and goes to the gym. Maybe working out will help her clear her head.
She spends ten minutes on the treadmill to warm up, then she trains at a few of the machines before she gets to the weights. After about forty-five minutes she gets back on the treadmill and runs. She runs like she is fleeing from something and she can see that one of the trainers is looking at her like he wants to make sure she won’t collapse.
She runs for thirty minutes, then she stops and tries to catch her breath.
Her pulse is off the charts and she is soaked in sweat. She grabs her water bottle and drinks half of its content.
When she walks back to the locker room she is still panting. She sits down on one of the benches and drinks her water, trying to calm her breath.
She feels tired now, but it’s a good feeling.
Instead of taking a shower she just puts her hoodie over her shirt, grabs her stuff and walks home. She will take a bath once she is there.
“Lexa!”
She is halfway home when she hears Clarke’s voice.
Fuck.
Lexa stops in mid-motion, awkwardly balancing on one leg. She is sweaty, her hair is a mess, she doesn’t wear make-up. She is not ready to meet Clarke.
She still turns around.
“Hello, Clarke.”
She looks at Clarke and smiles. Why does she always do that when she sees her? It’s an automatic reaction. She doesn’t think she has smiled so much in her whole life.
Clarke looks beautiful. Of course she does. She is wearing jeans and a blue jacket that highlights the color of her eyes. Her scarf is almost up to her ears.
She walks over to Lexa, her cane leaving small puncture marks in the dirt.
And Lexa just stands there waiting like she is a marble statue, frozen in time.
“It’s good to see you!”
Clarke smiles and it seems genuine, but Lexa is still very self-conscious about her current appearance. Clarke looks at the bag in her hands and up at her.
“Have you been to the gym?”
Lexa nods. She thinks it’s obvious. She looks like a hobo and probably smells like one, too.
“Yes. I am sorry for what I must look like. I was on my way home to take a bath.”
“You don’t have to be sorry. It’s not like we had a date.”
Clarke chuckles and Lexa blushes a little. She doesn’t know what to answer.
“Can I walk you home?”
Clarke smiles at her and Lexa stares to the ground. Clarke doesn’t seem to realize that this question makes her heart speed up again.
“I mean, we can stand here and talk, but I don’t want you to get a cold.”
Lexa doesn’t know how to react, but she nods anyway.
“Okay.”
She makes a few steps and when she realizes Clarke is indeed following her she makes some more and tries to relax.
“So, where were you headed?”
“Home. I just got off work.”
“Did you have a good day at work?”
“Yes. No emergencies. Mostly people with colds.”
Lexa looks at her.
“Don’t you get sick? I probably wouldn’t survive a day in your job.”
Clarke laughs.
“I never get sick. … But you should really get out of these wet clothes.
How far is it to your place?”
Lexa stops and points at the house in front of them.
“It’s right here.”
They stand there for a while, both not knowing what to do or say.
Lexa looks at Clarke and back at the entrance door, trying to make up her mind.
“Listen …”
“I should …”
They both speak at the same time and it’s awkward and it makes them laugh.
Clarke gives a small bow.
“You first.”
Lexa nods. Why not.
“Clarke, I was wondering if you would like to … go out with me sometime?
You said I needed to sort things out first and I did. So …”
“You did?”
Clarke looks at her and seems surprised.
“Yes.”
“You broke up with Costia?”
“Yes.”
“You broke up with Costia Ortiz?”
Lexa begins to wonder if Clarke’s hearing is impaired.
“Yes.”
Clarke stares at her.
“I only said that two days ago.”
“Well, technically only one and a half, but yes.”
“You didn’t …? Because … I didn’t …”
Clarke is all wide-eyed now and it takes Lexa a second to understand what it is exactly that she is asking.
“No! Oh, Clarke, no, it’s not just, because you said that. It was … it was a decision that I made. I made it a while ago. I just … no.”
Clarke stares to the ground and nods. Lexa doesn’t know if she looks relieved or disappointed. Maybe a little bit of both.
She puts her bag from one hand to the other.
“Listen, I have to go inside or I will really get sick, but … can I call you?”
Clarke looks up and smiles.
“I would like that.”
“Then I will do that. Tomorrow?”
“That would be nice.”
Clarke smiles and Lexa feels something inside her stir. How weird.
She nods and gets her keys out of her pocket.
“So, goodbye, Clarke?”
“Goodbye, Lexa.”
Clarke gives her another smile before she turns to leave. After a few steps she stops again.
“Wait. You don’t have my number!”
Lexa grins.
“But I do.”
Clarke raises her eyebrows in question. It takes her a few seconds to understand.
“Bellamy.”
Lexa grins and nods.
“Bellamy.”
----
The water is hot and exactly what she needs. Lexa leans back and closes her eyes relishing the feeling of her muscles slowly relaxing.
She needed that. The workout, this … her chance meeting with Clarke.
She opens her eyes.
Clarke.
She has no idea what is going on. She meant every word when she told Costia that she has never been in love. So how is she supposed to know if this is what love feels like?
She pictures Clarke and feels her body tense a little bit, like her natural reaction to be faced with someone this beautiful is to be alarmed.
Clarke is not beautiful in the way Costia is. It’s more like she posses the beauty of someone who is strong and determined and sure of her place in life.
She seems to be … for the lack of a better word … “content”.
That doesn’t mean Clarke is any less beautiful physically, of course.
Lexa is muscular, but slim, while Clarke is … voluptuous.
Lexa isn’t sure she’s ever even thought that word before and it makes her smile.
She is sure that if she ever sees Clarke in a dress it might just kill her.
She takes a deep breath and dives under. She likes how all of the sounds are drowned out underwater. It’s peaceful.