Chapter 38
Shopping.
Being out in public amongst all these people.
Quite a lot of them.
Mixing with them.
Being close to them.
In sometimes tight spaces.
Brushing past them accidentally or not.
Just shopping in general and all the components that came with it.
Something in the past Joan had hated.
Absolutely hated.
Couldn't abide doing.
Tried to avoid at all costs.
Apart from when she couldn't.
When she absolutely had to do it.
Had to buy things.
Had to go to the shopping centre, to the supermarket.
But now this was that bit different.
She was here in the shopping centre.
With Vera.
Vera holding her hand.
The younger woman had almost instantly threaded their fingers together after they'd exited Joan's car in the car park next to the centre, the older woman looking down at the action and then smiling at Vera, loving the fact that Vera didn't ever not hold her hand when they were out together or just together in general.
No one has ever wanted this much physical contact with me.
I've never had anyone hold my hand as much as she does.
Keep close by me when they walk.
So close that our bodies brush together.
That physical contact is nearly enough always there.
A contact I seemed to have craved.
Been without for so long, but always wanted in some depth of my soul.
A space deep down that no one knew.
No one saw.
No one until her.
Moving into the centre and along the various rows of shops, in between the rest of the shoppers, Joan being pleasantly surprised at how calm she felt being here even though it wasn't the quietest of times, the almost reassuring and calming touch of Vera's hand laced with hers seeming to help rather a lot, they headed further into the centre, Joan halting at one of the jewellers, glancing down to Vera whose eyebrows had risen further up at her forehead as she looked at their destination and then up at Joan, knowing full well how much some of the pieces and watches were in this particular shop, a shop she'd walked by without thinking when she'd come to this shopping centre, knowing looking in the window wasn't even worth it because she'd never be able to afford most of what they were selling so there was no point in torturing herself over something like this for no reason, but now, now they were stood outside it, Joan had chosen this shop.
"In here?" Vera asked, Joan giving a little nod.
"Yes, I thought you might like to get your ring from here, it's a nice jewellers".
"Nice...it's more than nice, it's one of the nicest ones ever also one of the most expensive" knowing she'd never had afforded anything near this for herself.
"I told you, expense is irrelevant, I just want you to pick a ring you like, not looking at the price because I can take care of that, ok?" Joan replied, wanting Vera to pick whichever one she wanted and let her buy it for her, not wanting the younger woman to worry about the money side of things and how much any one she liked was going to cost.
"Ok" Vera smiled, stepping inside the shop, her blue eyes widening that bit more as she let go of Joan's hand to move over to the glass cabinets, her eyes darting in all directions at the various sparkles and treasures she was looking at, looking to anyone who saw her at that moment like a child in a toy or sweet shop, mesmerised by the amount of jewels and money she was currently surrounded with, her girly senses on overload as she stood looking from one cabinet to the next, turning back every now and then to smile at Joan, the older woman unable to help but watch on, fascinated by Vera and how she behaved, the childlike innocence of the younger woman, the humble and shy nature at being 'allowed' in a place like this, with items like this, like she'd been given access to a place she'd never thought she'd be, that she was worthy of.
Look at her.
Her eyes wandering over everything.
Taking it all in.
All the items.
The colours.
The atmosphere.
Like she's trying to make the most of her time here.
Savour the experience.
She's like a child who doesn't go in toy shops often.
Who doesn't experience things like this often.
Hasn't been allowed to.
Hasn't had the chance too.
Didn't think herself worthy of.
Just as people told her she wasn't.
Have told her all her life.
Made her actually believe this crap.
Drummed it into her psyche.
Well not now.
Not anymore.
Not with me.
This time it's different.
She's not going to have any of that anymore.
She's going to be treated properly and spoilt.
Spoilt like she deserves to be.
Looked after by me.
Protected by me.
And only me.
No one will hurt her ever again.
Moving over to the side to look in the various glass cabinets around the shop, Joan moved further into the shop, past Vera to look at the selection of rings that were near to where some of the more expensive rings and pieces of jewellery were displayed, becoming aware of one of the shop assistants coming over to her, seeing her reflection in the glass she was currently looking in.
"Can I help you at all madam?" she asked politely, Joan looking up at her smiling face.
"I'm just looking at the moment, thank you".
"May I ask if you're looking for anything in particular?" wanting to help the older woman in finding something suitable that she might like if she could.
"Erm... well...well I'm currently just browsing for an engagement ri...a promise ring" quickly correctly herself when she realised what she had actually just said, feeling another presence beside her at that exact moment, glancing to her left hand side, her eyes widening in horror as she realised who it was who'd heard her.
Vera.
Vera had heard her say all that.
Say those words.
All those words.
Words that she had said and couldn't not say.
Couldn't take back.
The younger woman looking at Joan and then the shop assistant, then back to Joan.
"Joan?" Vera mumbled softly, watching that familiar nostril flare, the tightening of the jaw, the haunted look over her features.
"N..no" Joan gave back in reply, turning on her heels and striding for the doors, not giving either woman a second backwards glance as she did so, needing to get out of there, away from the situation, the old but familiar feeling of panic rising in her stomach, burning it's way up her oesophagus, threatening to reach her throat if she didn't hurry up.
Didn't get out.
Didn't escape.
Escape from the present situation.
The situation she'd created.
Created a mess off.
Spoken out of line.
Spoken way out of line.
And Vera had heard it all.
Every word.
Shit.
Fucking hell Joan.
Fucking stupid.
Stupid!
"Joan..." came the voice from behind teamed with the hand taking hold of Joan's, making her stop just in the shop doorway, Vera keeping hold of her hand as she moved around to be stood in front of the older woman, looking up at her, eventually managing to get the governor to raise her eyes from the floor to look into hers. "Where you going, what's the matter hmm?" she asked softly, her fingers still threaded through the larger ones of Joan's.
Joan gave a little swallow, her eyes looking into the blue ones which hadn't moved from hers, the ones searching her face and features to try and work out what the matter was, where she was running too and what for.
"I...I...just then...in there" knowing what she was trying to say but her words coming out in stops and starts, not quite sure how to explain herself given what had just happened, it wasn't meant to come out like that, it was because she'd been looking at the engagement rings in the cabinet, so then when the assistant had come over to ask what she was looking for it was on her mind, it'd just been in her eyes, those words had just come out before she could stop them, come out at the exact time that Vera had moved to look at the rings in the cabinet next to her, that exact time, fuck.
"Yes, what about it?" she gave back, not quite sure what Joan was trying to say but being prepared to wait to try and find out, sensing a wrestling inside the dark haired woman's head, deciding if she should say certain things or not.
"I shouldn't have....I didn't know you...didn't know you were there" she finally managed to say, sighing at herself and her lack of poise and articulation of her thoughts, closing her eyes.
"Hey.." Vera cupping one of Joan's cheek with her free hand, still not letting their clasped hands part, dark eyes slowly being revealed to her. "It doesn't matter that I was there when you said what you said, the question is did you mean what you said, in the sense of did you want to say it seen as you said it?" wanting Joan to be honest in her reply to her, just wanting to know what was going on in the older woman's head and what she was thinking.
Now there's a question for you Joan.
A question for you to get your brain round.
A question she's asking you for your honesty with.
And you know you can't lie to her.
The woman you can't ever lie to.
No matter what it is.
She can read you like a book.
Like no one has ever been able to do before.
Look past that battle armour you wear.
Just like she's doing now.
Straight to the heart of the matter.
Asking for you to be honest with her.
Tell her the truth.
Taking a breath, Joan studied the face in front of her, Vera's blue eyes looking straight at her, not moving, before she swallowed the feeling in throat, steadying herself to speak, to reply.
"W...What if...what if I did want to say it, then what?" thinking there might be some 'consequence' about to befall her at admitting to certain things to Vera.
Vera gave a soft frown at the reply.
"Then well...nothing really, unless...unless you want there to be a something, want something else to happen because of it" trying to leave the decision with Joan, leave her in charge of taking things further in this particular avenue that both women had suddenly found themselves in, knowing what she'd like the outcome to be but not sure if her and Joan were on the same page.
Brown eyes looked deep into hers, Vera almost feeling the cogs in the older woman's brain working, thinking, deciding, planning.
I know she's thinking.
Deciding.
Trying to work something out.
Planning her next move as it were, even if this was a verbal move to me.
The brilliant mind deciding the next step.
I don't know if we're on the same wave length in this sense or not.
But I guess I'll find out soon enough.
Find out from Joan.
"I don't...I don't know how to say...to ask..to..to" Joan mumbled clumsily, even after the closeness and love her and Vera shared together, she still found certain topics and situations difficult, hard, emotionally a struggle, even though she was trying to be better, to do better.
"It's ok, it's ok" Vera reassured, stepping in at seeing Joan struggling for what she was trying to get across, soothingly brushing her thumb on Joan's cheek, having moved them both over to the corner of the shop entrance, out of being right in the middle for everyone to see, offering that little bit more privacy. "Let me help you, what you said, consciously or not in there when you didn't realise I was nearby, is that something that you'd have liked to say or ask me yourself?" came the gentle question, knowing Joan was still shy and a bit upset at the recent events.
With their eyes together, Vera smiling softly up at Joan, nothing but love in her eyes for her, love, understanding, patience, calm, not an ounce of judgement or unhappiness, Joan calmed a little more, knowing she couldn't ever lie to the woman in front of her, the woman whose hand she still held, looking so much smaller than her own, giving no words back but a little nod in confirmation that what Vera was saying was right. She couldn't deny it, not even to herself and especially not to the woman in front of her, what she said about an engagement ring accidentally came out, but it came from her heart, deep inside her chest, that beating organ that was steadily thawed from its icy cavern that it'd been locked up in for so many years, so many long years, thawed by the woman in front of her who now held her heart in her hands.
Vera's smile slowly widened as Joan nodded, knowing she'd got it right, her eyes lighting up that bit more, giving Joan's hand a little squeeze, gently bringing Joan's face down towards her so she was able to whisper in her ear. "I'd like that too, I'd like....I'd like to wear an engagement ring that you'd bought me" well aware of her own heart thumping wildly in her chest as she said the words, praying that she'd got this situation right, and she'd not totally read it wrong, slowly pulling back to see what expression Joan would be now wearing.
Almost in slow motion, or at least that's how it felt to Vera at that very moment, she pulled back to their earlier position, releasing her hand from Joan's cheek, it now hanging at her side, watching as Joan's once haunted expression was replaced by a smile, a smile that reached all the way to her eyes, a smile that signalled to Vera that she'd read the situation exactly right.
"I'd...I'd like to buy....to buy you...an engagement ring" Joan said softly, glad she'd been able to say the words to the woman in front of her, unable to hide her intent from Vera, not wanting too, never in her life did she picture herself allowing another human being in her house let alone her heart and definitely she didn't see herself getting married, that was something 'normal' people did, not people like her, people who were worthy got married, people who others could love, people who were 'normal' and not damaged, nice people, people who weren't 'defective and freaks', the opposite of her basically. But since meeting Vera and spending time with her, feeling her icy exterior and interior being flooded by Vera's warmth, Vera's love, it'd crept into Joan's mind about the idea of being married to the younger woman, what it'd be like, what it'd be like to ask her, to buy her a ring, to have Vera as her what...wife, yes her wife because that's what she'd be, she'd be her wife, Vera as her wife, it being a weird and strange concept to think about but also a wonderful one, she'd be no one else's but hers, her wife, then when she'd received the promise ring from the other woman she'd thought about it again, thought about how she'd actually make the conversation change from a general one to asking her the question, or at least suggesting it, but she hadn't been able to, didn't feel she had the courage to, couldn't say those actual words, wouldn't ever she felt be able to say or ask them in the traditional sense that others did, so they'd come out this way instead, been said in an offhand way in the middle of a jewellers in the city, a way that was subconscious but something she'd been wrestling with in her head for a while, her heart this time overruling her head and speaking the words for her.
"And I'd like to accept the fact you want to buy me one, I'd not want one from anyone else, ever" confirming that she knew what Joan was asking her, but letting the older woman know that she didn't have to say the actual words for Vera to understand what she meant, she just knew what Joan meant, she understood her, understood her more than anyone else.
"Are..are you sure?" giving Vera a chance to change her mind if she wished, her chest feeling like it would explode with nerves and anticipation, feeling her throat and mouth start to become that little bit drier.
Again Vera reached up and put her free hand on Joan's shoulder, bringing the taller woman closer to her, making sure she had her eyes as she spoke, so she knew she was serious.
"I'm positive, I've never been more sure" she replied without an ounce of doubt in her tone or eyes, confirming her wish to Joan, leaving no doubt in the older woman's mind that Vera wanted this, she wanted to receive an engagement from Joan, she wanted that commitment with the older woman, her and no one else.
Joan's eyes lit up with Vera's confirmation, resting her forehead gently on Vera's, both women smiling at each other.
"Very well then, shall we...shall we go back in and see which ring you'd like?" Vera nodding and smiling back at her, leading the taller woman into the shop to where she'd been before, Vera the first to smile at the assistant that had been trying to help them a short time ago.
"Hello, everything ok?" the woman asked as a general question to them both.
"Very ok" Vera quickly replied smiling at her and then at Joan, proceeding to be the one to say that they were in fact looking for an engagement ring, Joan confirming this fact, both women not breaking their joined hands as they began looking at the various rings that the shop had on display.
A while later and both women were walking out of the shop together, hand in hand, Vera now sporting a sparkling addition to her left hand ring finger, Joan waiting till they got out of the shopping centre and then back to her car, closing the driver's door she looked to her side and at Vera.
"Let me see again?" she asked, Vera knowing exactly what she meant and producing her left hand to Joan, the older woman holding it and looking at the ring, Vera had chosen an 18carat, white gold diamond ring, the band being a plain one until about half way up, the medium sized diamond sat on the top and front of the ring, being surrounded with smaller diamonds, this circular design was flanked half way down the band on either side by half a dozen equally sparkling and shining diamonds, the whole ring looking perfect on the smaller hand of Vera. "It suits you very much I must say" Joan added, smiling widely across at her partner.
"It's the nicest thing I've ever been given and bought in my life" looking again at her ring and then back at Joan. "This now means I have a proper title, I'm a fiancée, I'm your...your fiancée" her tone like that of an excited child, unable to wipe the huge grin off her face as she gazed at the older woman.
Joan nodded. "Yes you are, you are just that and I'd say that that makes me the luckiest person in the entire world, I didn't think this kind of thing was possible for someone like me, it was for other people, something only they did, the worthy ones. But now, sitting here, seeing it on your finger...knowing you want this, want this with me, and how you make me feel...what you bring to my life, well...maybe...maybe...maybe you see something in me that I don't, you see something worthy in me, worthy enough by some small miracle that allows me to have you, to have you like this.." taking hold of Vera's hand and kissing the ring and her finger together, closing her eyes as she did, feeling the back of Vera's fingers on her free hand stroke her cheek, enjoying the moment between them.
"You have always been and always will be worthy to me Joan, always".