Chapter 39
Contentment.
A word.
A single word.
A single 'foreign' word.
One that lucky people get to use.
Throw around easily.
Use easily.
Just say as though it's a commonly occurring thing.
That it comes to us so easily.
Like we expect it.
That it's bound to happen to us.
But not to me.
Not to people like me.
The 'different' people.
The 'freaks'.
The unworthy ones.
The damaged ones.
Ones people think are beyond feeling anything deep inside.
You see how we are on the surface and make an assumption.
An assumption that because we struggle with how we feel.
We find it hard to make that connection between the feelings and outwardly expressing them.
We're guarded because of the past.
Guarded because we've been told it's wrong.
That it's not what you do.
You don't show emotions.
Showing of emotions means that you appear weak.
That they can be used as weapons against you.
To strike you down.
To hurt you.
To wound you.
So you don't.
You don't show them.
You hold them in.
Show and say nothing.
Don't allow yourself to do those things.
To show anything like that.
To feel anything.
Maybe chinks escape unseen by most now and again.
At times of vulnerability.
That word that's never been allow.
Vulnerability.
Somehow it has always been a word that wasn't allowed.
Something you didn't show.
Because it made you weak.
When something stirs the bubbling well of emotions we house.
Something or someone that connects with all those unsaid and unexpressed feelings.
For me that was her.
Vera.
She saw it.
She saw a chink.
A chink in my well assembled armour.
She saw through it.
She saw me.
The 'real' me.
Then she continued from there.
Slowly tried to get closer.
Closer than anyone had before.
She was patient.
Didn't run at my outbursts.
My defences.
She saw them for what they are or were.
Defences.
Defences to protect my heart.
To protect me.
Protect me from any harm another person might cause me.
She stayed at my outbursts.
My tears.
Comforted me.
Put her hand into my bubble, my 'cage', risking herself.
Risking her heart.
Risking that I might turn on her.
Use her kindness to hurt her.
Destroy her.
Lash out.
Emotionally hurt her.
She took that risk.
A risk no one had with me before.
She cared.
She wanted to comfort.
Saw the person inside.
The one she knew she connected with.
The one I probably didn't show anyone.
Hadn't allowed myself to show anyone.
And she nurtured it.
Took her time with it.
Didn't rush me.
But also didn't run when it was tough.
When I was hard work.
When I was volatile.
When I pushed her away and then pulled her back close again.
Still she stayed.
Unwavering in her belief.
Her belief in me.
Her belief in us.
Knowing what we had potential to be.
What I had potential to be.
What was deep inside.
Deep inside me.
And with this patience and love that continued its brought us here to where we are now.
In love.
Together.
Living together.
And I can myself use that word now.
A word I thought I'd never use.
Content.
I'm content.
Looking up from where she'd been staring into space in their back garden, Joan smiled as she saw Vera coming outside, also with a smile on her face, dressed in little denim shorts and a white vest, her hair loose and curled around her shoulders, her feet bare, her eyes trained on the older woman as she came towards her, sitting herself next to her on the swing seat, but this wasn't just any run of the mill swing seat, this was a rather expensive, luxury swing seat, the three seated seats were actual padded cream covered plush seats with deep cushions, headrests on each seat and a retractable footrest that was hidden under the seats, the wooden, solid frame curved up at the top and held the canopy in place, the piece of material matching the cream of the seats, draping over each corner of the top of the frame, shading the people on the swing from the sun hitting them in all directions. With the frame locked into place it prevented it from swinging of this is what the person or persons sat on it at the time wished to happen, something Joan had done whilst she been currently sat on it in the sunshine in their garden this particular afternoon, dressed in longer cut fitted shorts, and a white v neck t shirt, her dark hair with silver streaks loose down her shoulders also, choosing herself not to wear shoes seen as they were at home and enjoying the afternoon sun, something she'd come to copy off Vera, the younger woman liking to go barefoot in the house when they weren't going out and when it was nice outside, sometimes when it wasn't so nice too, saying to Joan that no one was going to see them not wearing shoes in their own house, plus it was better for your feet to go barefoot from time to time, considering the amount of time they were at work wearing heels that neither of them wanted to wear and wouldn't if they'd been given the choice, it was actually a nice relief and change to just relax barefooted at home.
"Hello you" Vera smiled as she sat down next to Joan.
"Hello to you" Joan replied, putting her right arm around Vera's shoulders, the younger woman cuddling into her, her hand resting on Joan's nearest thigh, smiling as she closed her eyes for a brief moment, resting her cheek against the strong shoulder close to her, the strong frame of Joan had always from the very beginning made her feel safe, something about the shape of her body and strong physique, the curves all over her body, her height, her frame that was so long and tall, her limbs, arms that easily wrapped around Vera's small frame, something that Joan also had liked doing from the beginning of being with Vera.
The way the smaller woman's body was the opposite of hers in so many ways, so many ways that meant it was ideal, it was pretty much perfect for her, just like Vera was. Her shorter frame and limbs, smaller hands, hands that slipped and laced so well into Joan's, shorter fingers that held so tight to Joan's, ones that were reassuring no matter what the situation, even something as simple as a bad dream or nightmare, they were there to interlink with Joan's and give a gentle squeeze, a squeeze that said I'm here and you're safe, something that went a long way in calming her, when they walked out in public and Joan might get anxious, there they were again, never breaking contact, never wanting to break contact, liking the display of their relationship, that Joan was hers and she was Joan's, plus getting to hold such a handsome and stunning woman's hand made Vera feel a certain sense of smugness, especially in public, smugness that she was the woman who got to be with Joan, her heart belonged to a woman that she saw other men and women look at, look at and find attractive, something Joan herself had claimed never to have seen them doing, but Vera had, oh she'd seen them, seen them looking over at her, this causing Vera to smile that bit wider knowing they'd never get her, yes Vera Bennett was liking being the one with the grin like a Cheshire cat.
"Are you ok?" Joan asked, glancing down to see Vera open her eyes and look up at her, smiling.
"Oh very much so, are you?" watching Joan's face break into a grin, nodding her head.
"Very much so too" the younger woman taking hold of and raising the left hand of the other woman, revealing a second ring next to the promise one Vera had given her, namely a wedding band, a white gold wedding band, a diamond edged plain wedding band in 18ct white gold, eighteen brilliant cut diamonds set all the way around the edge of the otherwise plain band, the sun catching the stones and making them erupt into a rainbow of colours on Joan's finger, the ring was so Joan, plain and simple, yet it had a sparkle and class to it, understated yet classy at the same time, very Joan and apt for her.
Joan then copying Vera's action and lifting her left hand, next to her engagement ring was also a wedding ring, this being a thinner 18ct white gold band, that had a channel of twenty one brilliant cut diamonds running all the way around it, it fitting on Vera's dainty finger and hand perfectly, it almost looking like a smaller version of Joan's wedding ring, something they'd liked after they'd chosen which rings they'd like, laughing at their similarity for picking similar rings, agreeing that they both had good taste.
"It suits you very well" Joan said, Vera moving her finger a little so the sun caught these stones and they erupted just like the older woman's had, Vera smiling as she looked at the ring and Joan's hand holding hers.
"Just like yours suits you, they suit us both, I like that they're similar rings, I like it very much, mine is like a smaller version of yours" moving her eyes to look at Joan.
"You don't regret it then?" came the quiet question from the older woman who was now looking at Vera.
"Regret it....are you joking, it's been the best day of my life!" she replied with a beaming smile, her free hand cupping Joan's cheek. "The fact it was just the two of us there and no one else made it even more perfect, we don't and didn't need all the fuss like some people do and like, I just needed you there, as long as I have you I don't need anything else, just like today, it was perfect. And do you know what's even better.." seeing Joan give a little shake of her head. "I lost and got rid of my old last name and got yours, plus now I get to call you something too don't I" raising her eyebrows and grinning, seeing Joan's smile wider as she knew what Vera meant.
"And what is it that you get to call me?" Joan asked, knowing exactly what Vera meant but wanting to hear her say the words again, even though she'd already heard them numerous times since they'd got back from the simple registry office service they'd chosen to have, both of them deciding they just wanted to get married, they didn't want to wait and have lots of fuss and attention drawn to them, they just wanted it to be them both, no one else, just wanting to do it together, a simple and intimate ceremony, very low key, so they had, they'd booked and paid for it and done it at eleven am that morning, the service taking place just out of town, a simple car driving them there from their home and then back here afterwards, no bells and whistles, no fancy service, or big production, just the two of them there declaring their love for one another and marking it with rings, only with eyes for each other, their love the only thing they wanted their in the room with them.
Vera studied the big, love filled brown eyes gazing back at her, even after all this time they still held her in a trance, like another world was held in them, a world only Vera was allowed access to, the world of Joan.
"My wife" Vera whispered lovingly, stroking a tear that rolled down Joan's cheek, a tear of happiness, the older woman turning her face to kiss Vera's palm, pulling the younger woman into her more.
"Like you're my...wife, Vera Ferguson....Vera Ferguson is my wife" saying it twice just to make sure she heard herself properly and for the fact she enjoyed saying it so much, she'd never enjoyed saying a name connected to her name as much in her life, just like she'd never been as happy and settled so much in her life, it was a strange feeling, a weird feeling, but in a way, in such a good way.
"It has a nice ring to it doesn't it" Vera grinned, her blue eyes seeming even brighter today, regardless of the sun shining in them. "I couldn't and wouldn't want anyone else's last name ever, no one's except yours, and I wouldn't want to be anyone else's wife, only yours, I love you so much, so much" leaning forward to capture Joan's lips in a passionate and deep kiss, Joan's embrace tightening as they kissed.
"And I never thought that I'd ever find or get someone like you, ever, that happened to other people, other people got that sort of thing, 'normal' people, people who deserved it, then you came along, and look at us now. I have...I have a wife, me...I've got a wife, something I could never have dreamed of having, but I'm so grateful, so so grateful, a gratefulness I'll never be able to fully express, but I'm going to spend the rest of my life loving you, protecting you, making you happy, looking after you, because I love you so much, I love you more than anyone I've ever had in my life before, and more than I'll ever love anyone ever again, if there is something up there and they do send angels down for us, whether that be to protect us, or love us in whatever capacity, then you're mine, you're my angel, and I'll be forever grateful to you, for all you've done and continue to do for me, for us. I love you so very much" squeezing their wedding ring hands, and then kissing Vera's wedding band and closing her eyes, feeling their hands then move to Vera's lips and the younger woman kiss her wedding band, a few tears running down Vera's cheek, happy tears.
"Well you're stuck with me now Joan, and I think that it's only customary for the wife to be carried over the threshold into the home isn't it and we haven't done that yet.." moving her lips to Joan's ear to cheekily whisper. "The thing is, I don't know whether you'll be able to catch me, you know since you're that bit older than me, do you think you could, you know catch me to carry me over it?" her tone cheeky but challenging, knowing Joan always liked a challenge and would like her joke, feeling Joan's cheek raise in a smile against her own cheek, their heads parting to look at each other, a playful glint in Joan's eyes and a wide smirk on her face.
"I think you'd better starting running Vera Ferguson" came the low and huskily reply, a playful edge to her tone, giving Vera a sudden tickle, the younger woman letting out a sudden happy cry at the action before removing herself from Joan and the swing seat and taking off running in the opposite direction of the house into the large back garden, Joan giving her a few minutes head start before she herself was off the seat and moving into the garden to give chase.
If this is what people say when they use the phrase 'happily married'.
Then it'll suffice.
It'll more than suffice for me.
More than suffice.
Vera Ferguson.
I'm coming to get you.
My wife.
My soul mate
My true love.
My angel.
My everything in this world.
I'm coming to get you darling.