Chapter 34
"Is that it now?" Joan asked, placing the final cardboard box on the wooden floor just inside her front door, which was now their front door.
"Yeah that's it, I don't really have that many things, not important things anyway, things I actually want to keep" Vera replied, her eyes looking around at the few boxes that littered the floor, not a lot compared to what some people might have.
I suppose that's another thing me and her have in common.
Both don't have that many material possessions.
I might have a few more than her but not lots more.
Not that I need them, not now.
Maybe we can get some more together then they'd be ours.
I like saying that ours.
Mine and hers.
Together.
Her and I.
Wandering her eyes over the contents of the boxes Vera's settled on a brown oval of fluffy material sticking out from the side, bending down she shuffled some of the other items out of the way, revealing the faded and slightly shabby looking bunny.
Joan watched her, the way she was standing there looking over the small stuffed animal in her hands, how careful she was with it, observing it, running her fingers over it, smoothing the fur.
"Hoppy" Vera said, half turning to Joan beside her. "My bunny from when I was little, think I got her as a present off my grandma when I was about one. My mum didn't bother buying me things like this, didn't see the point in them and why I should have them but grandma did, she said I took her everywhere, wouldn't be happy unless Hoppy came too. When...when she died, I...I was so sad, especially because of the situation between mum and I, but then when I looked at Hoppy it was like grandma was still with me, still watching over me and I've never not had Hoppy, I couldn't ever part with her, no matter how old or shabby looking, or whatever else people might say about her" smoothing the fur around the animals beady eyes gently.
Moving over to the younger woman, Joan put her arm around her shoulders from behind, holding her against her, just watching her with the stuffed animal.
I can't believe how cruel her mother was with her.
When she was older is one thing and bad, but to exact this treatment on a small, innocent child is just beyond belief.
How dare she treat her this way.
The older woman's jaw tensing a little at the anger she felt at the thought of someone being cruel to Vera, wishing she could've done more and been there to protect her, but vowing now no one would ever hurt her again, not with her around.
"I'll just take these boxes upstairs to the spare room and then we'll have a nice dinner hm?" softly kissing the side of Vera's head, releasing her arm around her, picking a couple of the boxes from the floor and carrying them upstairs, Vera watched on and then moved through the kitchen and to the sliding back doors, opening one of them and stepping out, still carrying Hoppy, the sun shining high in the sky, moving to sit on one of the chairs around the large grey patio table.
Leaning forward she studied the rabbit in her hands, the way it still looked like how she always had and always will remember, she couldn't ever part with it, or not bring it with her now she'd moved.
Moved.
Moved here.
With Joan.
Into her house.
Now their house.
Her eyes lifting from the stuffed animal to the garden, around the four corners of it, taking in the various plants and flowers, then to the back of the house, the shiny windows that seemed to gleam like jewels in the sun, in through the sliding doors and how the kitchen was pristine, show home like.
This now being her home.
She lived here.
Joan had asked her.
Had asked her.
Vera Bennett.
But was it right?
Did she actually deserve it?
What if she didn't?
If she didn't deserve any of it.
That Joan realised she wasn't worth it.
That her Hep C made her unworthy.
That Joan would realise this.
Then kick her out.
Leave her alone.
With such thoughts filling her mind Vera buried her hands in her face, tears starting down her cheeks, becoming overwhelmed by the last few days.
Reaching the bottom of the stairs, Joan glanced around for the other woman, not seeing her in the living room, moving through the kitchen and pausing at the open door, a frown suddenly appearing when she saw the small frame of Vera hunched over the patio table, her body shaking as she cried.
"Vera, what is it? What's the matter?" concern in her tone at the upset from the woman in front of her, pulling a chair round to sit next to her.
"I..I just...do I actually deserve this?" she mumbled through her tears, not showing her face.
Joan's frown deepened.
"Deserve what exactly, I don't understand?".
"Th...This, being here in this house with you, surrounded by all these nice things" she replied, sniffing as she cried.
What’s all this about?
Her doubting being here?
Her worthiness of being here?
Her awful mother creeping into the sensitive psyche of hers.
Telling her she's not worthy of nice things.
To be looked after.
To be loved.
Gently putting her hands over the smaller ones of Vera's, Joan peeled them off the crying woman's face, revealing her red eyes and cheeks, marked wet by tears, holding her hands as she looked into her eyes.
"Is this what you think, that you don't deserve them, is what your mother used to tell you affecting you too a little?" Vera giving another sniffle, her bottom lip trembling as she gave a little nod.
"She....she, she said I wasn't allowed nice things, that I didn't deserve them, that I'd not earned them, that no one liked me from being a little girl and it was no wonder I'd grown up and was still single and on my own, because I was useless and who would want me because...because well...well look at me" her eyes looking down to her yellow, floaty, summer dress clad figure that had gotten that bit thinner these past few months with how ill she'd felt, but this had no way impacted or affected how the older woman felt about her, if anything it was the opposite, brown eyes following blue ones down over her body and then back up to look at her.
"I've looked and I see nothing different than the beautiful woman I've always seen" the words making Vera's face crease and tears start up again, dipping her head in front of Joan, her body shaking. "Come here to me, shhh" Joan soothed, releasing their hands to wrap her arms around the other woman, easily lifting her to sit into her lap, holding her flush against her body, one arm securely around her waist, the other cradling her head on her shoulder, feeling small hands holding fistfuls of the round neck t shirt she was wearing.
"What your mother told you wasn't true in any way, she didn't appreciate you and give you the proper encouragement and nurturing you needed, parents are meant to encourage and build you up, not destroy your young sense of self, the fact she didn't see what a kind, beautiful, sensitive, funny, wonderful person you are, well that's her loss, a big loss, and my....the biggest gain for me" squeezing Vera to her. "You deserve everything that is here, the house, everything you've brought to it, what's already here, everything you've got and I've got and so much more besides. If I could allow you to see yourself as I see you,through my eyes, then maybe you'd be able to begin to understand how so very precious you are to me and...and how much...how much I love you. Until that becomes humanly possible a feat, then maybe....maybe you might have to start just believing me some more, accepting that yes you do deserve to be here and all this here is now yours, I wanted you here, hence me asking you. You know....you know I'm not the kind of person to have just anyone in my home, let alone ask someone to move in with me, to make it our home, but you...you're not just anyone, especially not to me".
Hearing the crying calm at her words, Vera raised her head to look at Joan, brown eyes smiling softly at her.
"You...you still find me attractive?" rubbing her nose, her eyes shining with shed tears, looking to the older woman.
Joan brushed the remaining tears that sat on her cheeks with the pads of her thumbs, her large hands cradling Vera's face.
"Of course I do, I'll never stop finding you attractive, you're the most beautiful creature I've ever seen, you don't ever need to doubt my attraction to you. Every time I look and watch you there's another little thing or quirk I see that I find adorable, but I'll never stop telling you or reminding you of this, everyday if I have to, until it starts to be something that what you've been told in your past is not even a faint echo in your mind. I know your loss of weight through you being unwell effects you, but that can be and is being rectified with your treatment and getting better, slowly bringing your appetite and strength back. Believe me when I say you're perfect to me, and I wouldn't change any facet of you, because then you wouldn't be you".
On hearing the words Vera closed her eyes, resting her face into Joan's hands, the older woman's thumbs stroking her cheeks.
I feel beautiful when I'm with her.
She makes me feel like no one can hurt me and that there's no one better than me.
Sometimes I have a wobble and doubt myself due to my past, but then she holds me or looks at me, says a few words to me and I instantly know she's being honest, speaking her feelings, her feelings about me.
How she loves me.
What she feels and thinks of me.
How she thinks I'm beautiful and finds me attractive, only has eyes for me.
Exactly the same way I only have eyes for her and think she's the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen.
My Joan.
Parting her eyelashes, her sea blue eyes opening to look at her girlfriend, Vera was met with Joan's gaze on her, her arms laying over Joan's strong shoulders crossing behind her neck, the governor dropping her hands and arms to be around Vera's waist.
"Thank you" she whispered softly.
"What for?" Joan asked, smiling at her.
"For always reassuring me, for putting my mind at ease, calming me, and for making me feel beautiful" Eskimo kissing Joan.
Joan's smile widened at the gesture.
"That's because you are, don't you ever think differently" capturing Vera's lips in a soft kiss, the younger woman's hands threading into the dark and silver streaked tresses of Joan, loving the softness. "And I for one am looking forward to being able too see this beautiful face every day after work, this makes me feel very fortunate" she murmured against the kiss, feeling Vera's lips curve into a smile.
"I'm the lucky one" Vera said, Joan shook her head.
"I am".
"No me"
"I am" the older woman said.
"Nope I am" Vera replied, rising from Joan's lap and picking up the rabbit from the table, the governor raising her eyebrow at the action.
"Going somewhere Vera?".
"I might be, I maybe going upstairs, but just to say....I'm still the luckiest" she smirked, watching Joan rising from the chair.
"No, I am" Joan smiled back. "I might have to take you in hand to get you to change your mind".
Vera shook her head.
"You'll have to catch me first" she replied, setting off in a run towards the house, giving a playful squeal and giggle as she half turned to see Joan in pursuit of her, both women running into the house, through the kitchen and up the stairs, Joan not far behind Vera, heading for the bedroom to begin the task of unpacking Vera's belongings, kisses and cuddling no doubt being a factor of why it might take them that little bit longer than expected to fully move the deputy into their house, not that either woman deemed this a problem, the very opposite in fact.