Chapter 30
On reaching the clearing she stopped dead in her tracks, eyes darting around for the woman in question, finding it hard to see in the encroaching dark.
Further she walked towards the steps that led down to the beach, eyes everywhere, looking, searching, wishing.
Where are you Vera?
You've got to be here somewhere.
You've just got to be.
Unable to see very far in front of her in the dark, Joan ran over to the sand dunes, quickly making her way between them, finding nothing.
Finding no one.
Standing on the top of the highest one she leaned forward on her knees trying to catch her breath, eyes still wandering over her immediate surroundings, desperately searching for the woman in question.
Then suddenly, below where she was stood, there on the beach.
A figure.
A slight, small figure.
A Vera shaped and sized figure.
A figure she'd recognise anywhere.
Vera.
Springing into action Joan raced down the dunes, across the sand and down the steps, two at a time, her long legs making short work of them, her feet hitting the sand and kicking up dust as her shoes sunk into the beige grains underneath them, moving as fast as her legs would carry her to the figure in question.
"Vera, Vera!" she called, the woman near the shoreline half turning at her name, eyes widening in shock as she saw Joan, her legs coming to life and starting to run down the beach.
"No, Vera stop!" Joan said, altering her path to run towards the smaller woman in her eye line.
"L..Leave me...leave me alone!" Vera called back, her voice fractured as she cried, whilst trying to run away from the taller woman, the long strides of Joan easily gaining and catching up with her, a long arm reaching for and taking hold of her small shoulder, stopping her on the sand further down the beach.
"Stop...please".
Vera wriggled in her grasp, trying to get free.
"Leave me alone Joan, I told you, go away!" tears streaming down her cheeks.
"I can't do that Vera, not when I don't know what's going on, what's happening, what the matter is" her other hand taking hold of the other shoulder just to be sure the younger woman couldn't run away again.
"Just leave me Joan!".
Joan's brow furrowed at this statement, not understanding in what context it was meant.
"Leave you, why would you want me to do that and more to the point, what makes you think I'd want to do that?".
Why on earth would I want to leave her?
She's the last person I'd want to leave and have leave me.
She means the world to me.
"Because...because that's what's going to happen, now...now that I'm continuing treatment for this...this...this god forsaken disease, now that I'm...I'm ugly and disgusting to look at let alone touch and be around you'd be better off leaving me, just leaving me on my own where I can't...can't mess up your life, be a burden to you, where you can find someone so much more attractive, prettier, not infected, having to take stupid meds that make me feel sick and look sick, make me...make me just a vile woman, someone not worthy of anything. My...my mum was right..I...I can't cut it...in anything, with anyone" her words breaking through her heavy sobs, unable to hold in the pain, frustration and fear she'd been bottling up.
What the hell.
As if this is what she's been thinking, been feeling.
Thinking I'll leave, that I'd be better off leaving.
Finding someone else.
Someone better?
There's no one walking this planet who's better than her.
Not at all.
"Listen...listen to me, this is the last thing I want to do, I'd never do that.." being interrupted by Vera pushing at her chest trying to get Joan to let go of her.
"L...Let go of me Joan, I..I don't want this...get...get off!" her small fists tapping the older woman's upper chest, tears streaming down her cheeks, increasing their frequency as Joan pulled Vera into her.
"No...no let go...let...let go of me!" again pushing against the embrace of the older woman, but unable to get free.
I'm not letting her go.
She's distressed and thinks I don't want her, that I should give up and leave her.
That's not going to happen.
She needs to calm down and let me hold her.
Let me soothe her.
Let me decide what I want to do.
I'm not letting go.
"It's alright, I'm here Vera" Joan started, her arms now wrapped securely around Vera, one of her hands holding Vera's head against her chest. "I've got you".
Held tight against the older woman, knowing Joan wasn't going to let go of her, teamed with the security she felt in Joan's embrace, slowly Vera's pushing and pounding fists ceased, leaving Joan with a heartily sobbing woman, who's pain and frustration was flowing out of her in the guise of tears.
"Shhh" she soothed, feeling the once pounding fists replaced by the same hands grabbing at her suit jacket, seeking some kind of purchase, some kind of grounding, grabbing for Joan.
Gently she kissed the top of Vera's head, her arms staying firm and secure around Vera.
"I'm here Vera, I'm here" she whispered into the other woman's hair.
"I...I...I.." Vera stammered, unable to formulate any words.
Keeping hold of the now trembling woman, Joan moved a hand between them and quickly undid her suit jacket buttons, using this same hand to open one side of said jacket and pulled Vera back against her body for warmth, the flap of the jacket around Vera's body, replacing her arm back around her for security.
"Is that warmer?" Joan said softly, being answered with a nod from a still crying Vera.
Slowly Joan moved them both away from where they were stood and up the beach to where the greenery outlined the patch of sand all the way around, sitting down on the grass she brought Vera onto her lap, still cradling her with the jacket around the smaller woman.
"Would you like to talk about what the matter is, what's caused you to be this upset, hm?" she asked carefully to the woman on her lap.
Vera sniffled, resting her head against Joan's shoulder, giving a little shrug.
"I..I don't know if I can..because...because of what might happen, to...to us".
"Nothing will happen...nothing, is this..is this about your illness?" not sure what else could be causing this amount of upset.
After a pause Vera nodded, taking a few deep breaths before speaking.
"I..I think...think that with this..what I've got I...I feel...feel useless, that..that you could do better, that other women are so much more attractive than me, that I'm not as appealing in a physical sense anymore, that because of my moods due to not feeling well you'll get fed up, I get fed up...fed up of myself sometimes because I don't feel like myself, and I...I think you will too, that...that you'll have enough of me, not find me attractive anymore..not...not want me anymore, and that...that thought ki...kills me. My..mother said I couldn't cut it, cut it in my career, in any relationship, that I just couldn't cut it no matter how hard I tried, she died and I found you, found someone who actually thinks me worthy, who thinks I do a good job, who actually wants me for me, no more no less, just me." taking a shaky breath before continuing. "But since this fucking virus hasn't gone away, is lingering...I hear her sometimes when I have a particularly rough day, when I'm feeling awful, that nagging doubt in my head, annoying me, creeping into my psyche, telling me I'm not worthy, that you can do better, that I'm a nuisance, that I can't cut it. But then I see you, I hear you, and I realise, I...I...I need you Joan, I need you so fucking much, more than anyone I've ever needed before and thinking I might...I might not, that you might...it...I can't...I couldn't cope" the younger woman's temporary resolve evaporating as she cried on Joan's shoulder, the older woman closing her eyes as she heard her, the noise and trembling of Vera in her arms hurting her heart to hear.
She's been carry this burden on her shoulders for however long.
No wonder she looks so tired, so unlike herself.
She's worn out, stressed, feeling unwell.
Mentally exhausted.
It hurts me to know she's carried this for so long, without any relief.
Any rest.
"I...you won't...you've no need to worry about me going anywhere, I won't, I've no need too, none at all" gently stroking her fingers through Vera's hair that was loose on her shoulders. "Out of the two of us, I consider myself lucky...lucky to have someone like you...didn't think...didn't think I ever would" Joan admitted, resting her cheek on Vera's head.
She think she's lucky to have me.
Joan thinks she's lucky to have me.
Me.
Vera Bennett.
And here she is after I ran out of the office, holding me.
She came after me, wanted to find me, make sure I was ok.
Even though I tried to push her away she stayed, stayed with me.
She's still here with me.
Just as she said when I broke down at home.
She said she wouldn't leave.
She promised.
And she's making good on that promise.
Vera nuzzled Joan's neck, raising her head to look up into those dark eyes, the same pair of eyes that were now looking down at her.
Saying nothing, Vera simply sat and looked at Joan, taking in her features for a few minutes, her own eyes red and glassy from all the tears, the silver highlights on her cheeks where they'd cascaded down there not minutes ago.
Joan let her look, usually she'd be highly uncomfortable with this kind of well...observation of her own face, but sat here with Vera she wasn't, because it was Vera looking, her Vera.
"Are you ok?" Joan whispered, to which Vera nodded, giving a little smile, the first one the governor had seen in days.
"I always am when I'm with you, you make everything ok, you make me feel ok. T..Thank you for being here, for finding me, for being you" leaning up to Eskimo kiss the older woman. "I love you" her eyes transfixed on Joan's.
Joan smiled at the answer, brushing Vera's nose with her own.
"Just as I love you" pulling the woman against her after tenderly kissing her lips. "You're coming home with me and I'm going to look after you, no if's or buts, that's what's going to happen, no one else is looking after you, I am, because it's my job and I want to, also because well....simply put...you're my Vera" giving a gentle but protective squeeze to the woman in her arms, her hand finding it's place back again in Vera's hair, soothing stroking it, Vera closing her eyes at the action, relaxing into Joan as they sat together on the beach, only the sound of the sea lapping gently at the shore intermittently interrupting the peaceful silence.