Chapter 27
What a day.
Thank god that's over with.
Well until the next one.
Hopefully later rather than sooner.
Pushing her front door open Joan moved into her apartment, sighing with relief.
Being stuck at meetings all day and not at the prison doing actual work wasn't her idea of work or a practical way to spend her time.
A group of people all sat around a table discussing matters that a smaller group could easily sort between themselves, or sat in rows as someone stood at the front and read through a presentation of various facts and figures irrelevant to more than half of the people watching, the ins and outs of various parts of the prison system that she herself along with many others weren't able to influence or really make a difference in, amounted to a huge waste of her time, considering she could have been at Wentworth doing her own facts and figures, paperwork and general other things including her job, keeping the women in there in line and being much more constructive, actually doing what she was paid to do, instead of what she'd spent the last god only knows how many hours doing, pointless.
If I don't have to go to another for a while it'll still be too long.
Putting her bag on the dining table, after taking her coat and shoes off, she pulled her phone from her pocket, scrolling to Vera's name.
She'd not had chance to talk to or text said deputy whilst she'd been there due to it being pretty full on since they'd started in the meeting, plus the phone signal was crap, well crap was putting it nicely.
Very shit and none existent was a better way of putting it.
Reaching her name she pressed the call button after checking the time, yes she should have finished her shift and be home by now, with a bit of luck, after a few rings it was answered.
"Hello?".
"Vera hello, I was just ringing to see how you are, how your day went today?".
"It was...it was fine" the younger woman seeming to pause before answering, this causing a frown from Joan.
"Fine, are you sure it was Vera?" not quite convinced of the answer.
"Y..Yes, it was...everything....everything was fine" her voice quivering and then breaking slightly as she spoke, her hand over her mouth in a bid to stifle the noise.
Joan's brow furrowed further, now even more unconvinced.
"Vera, it wasn't at all fine today was it, the same as you?".
"It was...fine" she forced out down the phone, her breathing stuttering as she began to get upset down the phone.
"No you're not and I'm coming over right now" not waiting for an answer or reply, leaving her apartment and driving over to Vera's house, marching with purpose up the drive and knocking on the door, it not taking long for the click of the door opening, Vera on the other side, her eyes filled with tears not yet expelled, looking up at Joan.
"Vera.." not able to say anything else, the younger woman throwing herself at the governor, her arms around Joan's waist, her head against her chest, sobbing.
Keeping an arm around the small frame, Joan moved into the house, shutting the door.
Now how do I go about this situation?
Comforting her.
Stopping her crying.
How do you help someone who's sobbing?
Sobbing on you?
What do you say?
What do you do?
"Erm...now...erm.." struggling what to say and what to do, not used at all to dealing with this kind of situation.
Think Joan, think.
Erm.
Sit down.
Yes sit down with her.
On the sofa that's comfortable.
Joan guided them both to the sofa, Vera still clinging to her, her body wracking with heavy sobs, keeping her arms around the smaller woman, remembering how she rubbed Vera's back in bed a few nights ago while she slept and how calm she was, Joan moved her hand up and down Vera's back, placing a kiss on the top of her head, not sure if this would help much or not.
Is this helpful?
Is this comforting her?
I can't bare hearing her cry this way and not be able to help.
"What's the matter, what's happened?" Joan said, looking down at the woman against her.
"I...I..." her breathing too ragged to speak.
"It's ok" keeping her hand soothing over the crisp white shirt. "I'm here".
"Now you are..but..but you might not be soon" she managed between sobs.
Joan frowned softly at the statement, not understanding.
"Whatever do you mean, I don't understand" the woman lifting her head from against Joan's jacket to look at her.
"Because of what I've got, because of my...my Hep C, you might not want me anymore, you might decide that you hate me, that you don't want to put up with it anymore, put up with how I am" the words coming out in a rush, putting her head in her hands, breaking down.
Watching the woman in front of her fall apart Joan swallowed hard her heart pounding, her head spinning wondering what on earth she should do to help her, her inexperience at dealing with such situations showing a little.
Unclenching and then clenching her fists she shook her head.
"I..I won't.." shaking her head again. "Where's this..this come from Vera, what's...what's happened?" her brain scrambling to understand and make sense of where this had all come from, Vera had been or at least seemed perfectly happy a couple of nights ago at her house and now here she was in bits.
It was now Vera's turn to shake her head, she herself not quite sure why she was shaking it, but in her present state she didn't care.
"I...I went to the doctors today" sniffing before carrying on. "She..she said I might need to carry on my treatment longer than first thought...be...because it's not quite gotten rid of the virus yet. Maybe another number of months" eyes wide and looking at Joan.
"Ok, and...and would this extended treatment fully get rid of it all together?" Joan asked, hands in her lap, eyes on the other woman.
"She thinks so yes, she's very hopeful that it will" nodding to the older woman.
"Ok, so that's good isn't it, it's good news?" her eyes widening a little as Vera broke down again in front of her, reaching out tentatively due to the state Vera was in, gently touching her palms to Vera's knees.
"D...Don't J..Joan, don't because...because it'll be too....too much and then you'll say you don't want me because, because I might have all these side effects that you won't want, that I'll be too much of a burden to you, and this burden is something you'll not deserve and you'll find someone younger, better, that won't have all this crap for you to put up with!" trying to shout but her sobs dissolving her attempts, weakly pushing the older woman's hands from her knees.
She doesn't need all this crap.
My crap.
It should've sorted it by now.
Not for me to have to have another course of treatment to get rid of it.
Not for Joan to have to endure whatever side effects this may bring.
And why should she it's not her fault.
Not her fault so she shouldn't have too.
But I don't want her to leave.
I want her.
I need her.
Just her.
I do so much.
Seeing the younger woman push her hands away Joan loosened her tie and undid her top shirt collar button, her body heating up as she felt the tension and upset billowing around her, swiftly removing her trench coat, laying this on the nearby chair, getting up and moving to the kitchen, Vera with her head in her hands again.
Walking into the kitchen she opened a couple of cupboards before finding the bottle of vodka, a couple of glasses handy on the draining board, starting to pace in the kitchen, tapping her forehead.
Come on Joan.
Get it together.
Together for Vera.
Think.
She's upset.
Upset and thinks you'll leave her.
Leave her.
That you might want someone else.
Someone else who hasn't got Hep C even though it will get better with the second round of treatment.
But I don't want anyone else.
I want her.
Only her.
I need her.
No one understands me like she does.
No one.
I need to tell her this.
Help her see.
Comfort her.
Stop her tears.
Tell her.
Come on Joan.
Gathering the things she'd found, Joan took a deep breath and moved out of the kitchen, down the hall, pausing at the door, the deputy still sat on the sofa sobbing, inconsolable it seemed, the thoughts of losing the woman she loved and the events of the day too much for her.
Stepping into the room, she placed the bottle and glasses on the table, clenching her fists nervously, never being in this position before, the position of comforter.
Someone who meant the world to her needing comfort, they needed the comfort that she could give, someone needed her as much as she needed them, and right in that moment the only thing that would offer this relief and reassurance was her.
With another swallow for courage she moved quietly to the woman perched on the sofa, kneeling down in front of her, gently touching her hands on Vera's knees, the contact causing Vera to gasp having not heard her.
"It...It's just me" she murmured softly.
"I...I thought you'd...you'd gone" Vera said her voice hoarse from crying, her eyes red.
Joan shook her head.
"No, I wouldn't...wouldn't do that. I just...I'm not good...not good at this but, but...I want you..want you to know that I won't leave you and I don't...don't want anyone else, that's not even a thought in my mind.." watching Vera's eyes not move from looking at her as she spoke, the other woman listening giving her the encouragement to continue. "It...It doesn't matter to me that you've got to get more treatment, it matters to me that it helps make you better. And I can help too, not with the medicine, but with looking after you, making sure...making sure you..you have good food and aren't getting stressed, looking after you in these ways, you'd never be a burden to me, the opposite in fact. I'm here Vera..here...here for you, I won't leave, I don't want to leave...I want to stay...stay with you, I'm here with you...I promise" moistening her dry lips as she finished talking, her nostrils flaring slightly as she watched hopefully for Vera's reaction, her heart pounding after her little speech.
Searching Joan's face for a few moments, she sniffled, the words of the older woman seeming to have the desired effect and calmed her sobs down, saying nothing she lunged the small gap between them both, her arms going around Joan's neck in a tight hug. The governor reacting in an instant and wrapping her arms back around the small frame of her deputy, stroking a hand through Vera's loose hair, hearing her whimper softly close to her ear.
That's the best response I could've asked for from her.
I managed to calm her down.
I did that.
Me.
No one else.
Me.
"Shhh it's ok, it's ok I'm here, I'm here Vera and I'm not going anywhere" standing up with the small woman in her arms, sitting back down on the sofa, Vera curled up tight on her lap, enjoying the contact, feeling safe, Joan soothingly rocking her, placing a tender kiss to her hair. "I'm here to stay" she whispered lovingly.