Chapter 23
With the kitchen pristine and sparkling, the equipment all lined up like preparation for a medical operation, knives next to the chopping boards ready to go.
Both women at either end of the kitchen, each starting to cut the vegetables they had in front of them, an awkward silence between them both, Vera stealing glances at the woman nearby her.
She didn't seem quite the same today.
Something didn't seem right with her.
It was off.
She was off.
Off with her.
Since arriving to cook dinner together at Joan's house Vera hadn't got much conversation or communication at all, she'd greeted her at the door and then that had been pretty much it, nothing else.
Now here they were stood in the kitchen, not a word between them, nothing, nothing but an atmosphere, a what was that, a tense atmosphere, not from Vera but from the dark haired woman not three feet away from her.
"Is everything ok Joan? Vera started softly, her eyes on the chopping she was doing.
"Yes fine" came the reply, straight to the point and somewhat blunt.
"Are you sure, you don't seem yourself tonight, I just wondered if there was something bothering you?".
"I'm fine" her words being followed by the louder sound of the blade of her knife hitting the chopping board beneath it.
She's not fine.
Something going on here.
Something I'm not privy to.
Vera furrowed her brow in confusion, trying her best to work out what if anything could be the cause of this atmosphere.
Turning her attention back to the board Vera resumed chopping, not long after she was met with a shadow floating over her work area.
Joan.
"They're not cut small enough, they're too big also" pointing to the ones she meant.
"They've been cut as you asked me to do them, exactly as you asked me" looking up to the woman to the side of her.
"No they've not, they're too big, that's not as I asked you to cut them Vera".
Ceasing what she was doing Vera placed the knife down.
"They're exactly as you asked me to do them Joan, those and those are exactly right" watching the older woman's jaw start to tighten.
"Why can't you just accept you've done them wrong, that you've not done something right?!" replied the older woman, her voice raising.
"I accept I've done things wrong when I actually have, not in any other circumstances".
"You never take responsibility for anything do you Vera, hmm? Never step up to the plate, never take that onto your shoulders!".
What in the holy hell is going on here.
She's picking a fight over cutting vegetables.
Really.
Or am I missing something else here.
Is this just a cover up.
Crossing her arms at her chest Vera looked to the dark haired woman near her, raising her eyebrows.
"Is that so?".
"Yes it is, it's always someone else's fault, never yours. Why don't you for once Vera just admit you're wrong here, that you've not done what I asked you to do, seen as I am your boss and you're my deputy. I asked you to do something in a certain way and you've failed to do that!".
Vera shook her head at the answer.
"Don't you do that, don't you shake your head at me" clenching and then unclenching her fists, banging one down on the counter." Why can't you just do as you're told, just cut them properly!" her voice raising even further along with her temper.
"Stop it Joan! Enough is enough, there's no need for this!" Vera's voice firm and blunt, her eyes not moving from the governor's.
A swipe of her large hand and a couple of utensils were off the work surface and clattering on the floor, her brown eyes glaring at Vera, nostrils starting to flare.
"There's every need for this when you don't do as you're fucking asked to do!"
Here we go.
The knocking of things onto the floor.
The flared nostrils.
Voice raising even more.
She's pushing me.
Seeing where my limits are.
She's scared by something.
Thinks I'll walk away if she pushes hard enough.
Gives me a reason to walk away.
"Anything else?" the deputy's tone firm and to the point, trying not to inflame the already tense governor.
Another swipe of her hand and the remaining utensils near Vera were knocked to the floor with ease.
"Yes, you're annoying as hell, not doing as your told and then standing there with that stupid look over your face, crossing your arms like you are! If you'd just do the job I set you and do it properly then I wouldn't have to tell you off like this, not have to raise my voice! See this is what happens when people don't do as their told, this is exactly what happens! Look at you, take that look off your face, don't look at me like that!" another bang on countertop, the older woman wincing this time with the pain that she caused herself, eyes wide with bottled up emotion, not moving from the blue set looking at her.
"What's this really about Joan, hm?".
"How many fucking times do I have to say it to you, don't you ever listen to me?! Because you didn't do the fucking job I asked you to do, you failed, you didn't do it right! That clear enough for you!?" the hurt and pain glinting in her eyes on grabbing the nearby tumbler filled with water that Vera had been drinking from, gripping it in her hand she squeezed it tight, so tight it caused the glass under her fingers and palm to buckle under her strength, the material cracking and then shattering, this caused her to drop the remaining glass to the floor, hissing at the realisation that she'd cut herself, a slither of blood trickling down her palm.
"See what's happened now, you've made me do this, it's all your fucking fault, all because you didn't do as your told, didn't do as I asked, didn't follow my instructions!" balling her fist to the stinging sensation in her hand.
"I don't appreciate being spoken to in this way Joan, there's no need for it, I've done nothing but what you've asked me to do. I can give you space to calm down, and by space I mean just that, space. I'm not going to walk out and leave, I wouldn't do that to you, but I need you to know that I'm not prepared to put up with the aggressive tone and manner that you speak to me in, it's not right and I don't deserve it. So, I'm going to give you a chance to calm down and go to another room" her eyes not moving from Joan all the time she was addressing her, her tone confident but clear, not giving into and justifying Joan's outburst.
Turning on her heels she moved past the counter where she'd been working, not getting very far before she heard a voice behind her.
"Please don't leave me...I...I....I'm sorry" Joan's tone seemingly lowered considerably from the last however long it had been of her shouting tirade and what was that Vera heard in her voice, a pleading, a quiver.
Spinning back round she looked to the lone figure in the kitchen, the older woman now looking almost like a little girl, the way she stood with her injured hand open, big brown eyes shining as she trained them on Vera, then down to floor.
Considering the request she'd just heard, Vera took a couple of steps towards Joan, not letting her eyes leave her governor's, who had now raised her eyes back to the other woman on the sound of footsteps.
"I'm not leaving you, I told you this and I meant it. I just can't and won't put up with you speaking to me this way and being verbally aggressive, not when I've not done anything wrong" Vera replied, slightly softer than previously, but firm enough to get the message across to Joan.
Joan's eyes searched Vera's for a sign that she was trying to deceive her, that she didn't mean any of what she'd said about not leaving her, but she didn't see any, not one.
The dark haired woman nodded in acceptance.
"So...would you like to talk about what all that was really about hmm?" another couple of steps to close the gap between them both.
"I...I told...I told you.." stopping herself from finishing a sentence she knew they both knew wasn't true, especially Vera.
Joan sighed deeply, closing her eyes, it was as if closing her eyes gave her the chance to compose herself in times like this, allowed her to gather her thoughts.
Opening them again she saw the face of other woman still looking directly at her, watching, waiting, being patient.
"It's ok, just take your time, I told you, I'm not going anywhere, we've got all the time in the world" she reassured her.
Another breath to steady herself, to get her thoughts in some kind of order to vocalise them.
"I...I get..I'm scared".
"Scared of what?".
Nostrils flaring softly, a gulp to swallow down the fear enough to speak.
"Of...of all of it, all of this, all this..." motioning between them both. "I...I don't...don't get close to people, never have, so this...with you, it's...it's a first for me. I feel, I feel....feel like I've exposed myself to you and that's something I've never done with anyone before" closing her eyes and pausing, taking a few breaths, her brown eyes being revealed once again."And I'm afraid, afraid that....that you will leave, that you'll not want me anymore, just like what usually happens, no one ever stays, no one ever wants me, everyone always leaves me" the quivering voice breaking, shining tears in her eyes breaking through the dam they'd created, cascading down her cheeks, a pained and frightened howl leaving her mouth.
Closing the divide between them Vera gathered Joan in her arms, the older woman burying her face in the other woman's chest, her body racking with sobs, being that heavy they caused her legs to buckle, Vera keeping hold of her as she lowered them to sit on the kitchen floor, her back against the cabinets, Joan curled into her.
God this woman.
This poor woman.
She's like a frightened little girl.
All she's known is abandonment and pain.
That she's not good enough.
That people walk away from her.
Leave her on her own.
Don't think she's worth it.
Been told she's not worth it.
"Shhh it's all going to be alright, I've got you and I'll never leave you, I'm here Joan" Vera whispered soothingly, pulling the distraught woman into her more, stroking her fingers through her hair, feeling Joan grabbing fistfuls of her jumper like a little child would.
What has happened to me tonight?
I've shouted at her.
Picked a fight over cutting vegetables.
Shattered a glass with my bare hand.
Nearly caused my hand some damage.
And now her she is holding me whilst I sob.
She's done what she said.
She's still here.
She's not left me just like she said she wouldn't despite all that I've said and done.
Despite me pushing her.
"I...I'm so sorry..." the dark haired woman managed through the sobs still wracking her body.
"I know you are, I'm right here and going nowhere, and do you know why, because I don't have to, I've everything I want right here in my arms, that everything being you. I want you Joan, no one or nothing else but you" kissing the top of Joan's head, her fingers still gliding through the luscious dark locks she loved touching.
Joan pulled again at Vera's jumper, her sobs having been reduced to sniffles on laying in the arms that made her feel secure, made her calm down, made her feel wanted, like she was worth something to someone.
Saying nothing she got up from the kitchen floor, helping the other woman up, taking her by the hand and leading her upstairs into her bedroom.
Leaving the room in darkness except for a bedside lamp she slipped out of her loose fitting lounge pants and t shirt, slipping under the covers, her eyes asking for Vera to join her, which the other woman did willing.
With the younger woman in bed next to her, Joan shuffled more into the middle, pulling Vera on top of her, Vera gasping on realising they were skin on skin, her eyes with Joan's, brushing a stray lock of her hair out of her face, gazing into her eyes.
Then Joan's hands were cupping her cheeks pulling their faces together, moulding their lips, tongues in each other's other mouths, hungry kisses, wet ones.
Vera slipped her hands between their bodies, trailing her hands down Joan's sides then back up again, ghosting a hand beside each of Joan's breasts.
"Can I please?" asking permission to touch her, wanting this before she did anything.
Joan nodded.
Small hands moved over her nipples, palming the delicate skin, cupping, massaging, the younger woman's attention completely focused on what she was doing, as if she was being opened up to a whole new world, gasping softly at the feel of the soft and heavy breasts under her hands, at how nice they felt, how full.
Joan's arms moved around the woman on top of her, suddenly flipping them over, kisses onto Vera's throat, this simple action causing Vera to close her eyes and move her neck to allow the older woman more access, hands trailing through dark locks, holding her to her more.
Next these lips were on her breasts, around them, over them, sucking on her nipples, making them hard, stand to attention.
They pepper down her toned stomach onto and along her hips, causing them to buck at the sensation, her back arching, groaning softly on feeling between her thighs start to flood. This becoming something she couldn't hold back much longer as the kisses moved to her inner thighs, breath tickling over the place she needed Joan.
"J..Joan,p...please" she panted softly, this reaction causing the older woman to half smile to herself at Vera asking for her to do something to her.
"Hmm?".
"P...Please, I..need" she groaned, the ache even more so between her legs.
Then a louder groan mixed with a moan on feeling the first swipe of Joan's tongue over her clit, her hips jerking on the contact.
Gaining more confidence that Vera was enjoying it, Joan settled between the younger woman's thighs, working her tongue in various directions, using different pressures over the now rock hard pearl under her control.
With the wetness coating her tongue, Joan slipped one then two fingers inside Vera, groaning on hearing the other woman groan on being filled, her digits moving in a steady rhythm to match what she was doing against the clit under her spell.
Gripping the dark locks under her fingers, her hips undulating into the older woman's face she felt her body start to tense, to heat up, the sweat glittering over her torso, breathing become that bit more ragged, never had she felt this before, this pleasure fizzing through her, it building and building, noises of this pleasure leaving her lips in incoherent moans.
"Joan..I'm.." her moans filling in the gaps, her core contracting around the long fingers inside her, her release flooding Joan's hand, a throbbing clit against her tongue.
With the woman underneath her starting to calm down and regain her breath after a few long minutes, Joan slid back up Vera's body to lie next to her on her side, watching her still recovering, eyes wandering over the younger woman's flushed face.
If she could be any more beautiful, glowing then it's now, led here right now next to me after just letting me do that to her, be that close to her.
Turning her head Vera looked at Joan.
"N..No one has ever made me feel like that, ever" her breathing calmed enough for speak, eyes not moving from Joan, the older woman dipping her head shyly at the compliment.
"I'd like to do that to you, make you feel that way" Vera whispered, Joan's head snapping up, her eyes widening in what was that fright, panic?
"N...No I don't think...think so.." she stuttered, her heartbeat quickening on the offer.
Vera cupped her cheek. "But why, what's the matter with me wanting to do that hmm?" brushing her thumb on the soft, pale skin underneath it.
"I don't...can't...can't..not..not that, no, I can't.." still stuttering words and not full sentences, her head swimming with fear.
"Shhh, are you, are you afraid Joan?".
Joan swallowed, nostrils lightly flared, not answering and averting her eyes.
Vera shuffled close to her, still stroking her cheek.
I know she is, her silence tells me her answer.
But I don't want her to be.
I want to be able to offer her and give her the pleasure she gave me.
"It's ok to be afraid Joan, it doesn't make you any less of a person, no less of a woman. I just want to be able to touch you, to make you feel good. I would go very slowly, as slow as you'd like me to and if you don't like any of what I'm doing to you, if it's uncomfortable or you feel uncomfortable for any reason then I'll stop, stop right away, I promise".
"I don't...I just...".
"Do you trust me Joan?" raising Joan's eyes to her own on asking the question.
That word she's using.
That infamous word.
The word that has been such a sketchy part of my life.
Something I've not experienced for such a long time if ever.
Trust.
She deliberated for a few minutes.
Looking deep into Vera's eyes.
Getting lost in the blue.
Sea blue.
Vera blue.
"Y...Yes".
"And I trust you, I trust you that much I knew that what you'd do to me wouldn't hurt me, that I'd like it and I know I could have told you to stop and you would, because I trust you. Please trust me to do the same, I'd never hurt you, I couldn't" her voice pleading softly with the woman next to her.
She's never hurt me yet, even with everything we've been through.
My shouting.
My throwing.
My destruction.
She's stayed.
Not left.
Stuck by me.
Never hurt me.
As she said she wouldn't.
Joan nodded. "O...ok" closing her eyes after Vera smiled softly, kissing her cheek.
The younger woman guided Joan onto her back, slowly kissing her way over her neck and then down Joan's chest, taking her time in giving each breast gentle attention, loving the feel of the older woman's nipples standing up in their arousal at her touch, a quiet noise leaving Joan's mouth, continuing down and leaving no patch of skin un kissed, loving the feeling of how soft the skin on every part of Joan's body was, this pace slowing on reaching her thighs.
"Remember I'll stop at any time, I promise" Vera said, her lips gliding up and down the long and strong thighs underneath her, moving her attention to the place she had dreamt of being for so long but didn't ever think she'd get the chance.
Placing a solitary kiss on the dark, soft curls between Joan's thighs, liking the feel of them under her lips, Joan gasped softly at the feeling, repeating her action Vera gained the same positive reaction, her hands massaging the thighs at either side of her head.
That feeling of her kissing me there, I've never had anyone kiss me there before.
Never.
Never let anyone get close enough too.
Taking a quick look up before going any further, Vera smiled on seeing the older woman with her head back on the pillow, eyes closed, enjoying her kisses, a small rock of her hips near Vera's face.
A light swipe of her tongue across the pink bud appearing from its shelter caused a grunt mixed with a moan from Joan, hips jerking at the action, wet arousal on Vera's tongue.
I shouldn't, shouldn't be allowing or liking this but I am.
She's making me wet.
Making me feel something I've never felt before.
Never in my life.
With her hands stroking over the slightly rounded belly above her head, Vera continued the actions she'd got a reaction from, her strokes getting that bit harder and faster on not hearing any objections from the older woman.
Then it was happening.
The tensing in my body.
My breathing getting more rapid followed by my heart.
The flood of warmth to my chest, my lower body.
My hips bucking to the face between my legs, the tongue against me.
A fizzing feeling taking over.
My hands gripping the curls beneath my fingers.
Muttering noises and the odd grunt into the air around me.
My back arching.
A feeling I can't control.
That I didn't want to control.
It had taken over me.
I cried out into the darkness as the wave crashed over me.
Wetness trickling down each cheek, my eyes tightly shut.
"It's ok Joan, I'm here" were the comforting words whispered not long after Vera had heard and felt the woman in her arms cry out a grunt of pleasure, her orgasm being felt on her tongue, then looking up she'd seen the tears, tears glinting silver on the fair skinned governor's cheeks, emotional tears, tears of release in every which way, tears that had been bottled up for decades, never acknowledged or acted upon.
After her breathing had slowed and calmed, Joan sniffed and opened her eyes, the saturated lashes pulling apart to reveal the shining brown orbs underneath them, these eyes studying Vera's face.
"You are so beautiful and I'm so lucky, do you know that?" Vera whispered down to the older woman curled into her, a gentle kiss to each tear stained cheek.
"No one...has ever...before" Joan managed to vocalise, looking straight back at Vera.
"That makes this an honour for me then, a privilege, thank you" her eyes conveying the truth in every word.
Joan shook her head. "Thank you" she whispered, nuzzling her face into Vera's neck, feeling the smaller woman's arms squeeze her close and kiss her hair.
Lazily brushing her fingers over the small of Joan's back as they led together Vera looked down on feeling the body in her arms become heavier, watching the older woman sleep soundly in her arms, her chest rising and falling slowly, steadily breathing, her face relaxed without an inch of stress or tension, this scene alone caused Vera to smile to herself.
Look at her.
Just look at her.
She's so so beautiful.
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.
I'm so lucky.
And to get to be this close, this intimate with her.
For her to give me this level of trust with her.
It's mind blowing, it's on another level.
Just like she is.
"I love you" came the tender whisper after a kiss was placed on the sleeping woman's forehead, Vera closing her eyes and joining Joan in sleep.