Chapter 20
Pacing.
Up and down.
Up and down.
Up and down.
Rubbing her forearms and then tapping her forehead.
Body unsettled, mind thinking but nothing specific, just full.
She looked around her kitchen, filled a glass with water from the filter jug in the fridge and took a sip leaning against the counter.
Not long ago she'd finished her night shift as had Vera and she'd tried to go to bed but couldn't sleep.
Why the hell can't I sleep, I've just come off a night shift I thought sleep would come rather easily.
It appears not.
Fucks sake.
She banged her fist down on the counter in frustration, frustration at herself.
This is ridiculous Ferguson.
Get a grip and just go to sleep.
Well if I could then I wouldn't be stood here would I.
Idiot.
Shaking her head with her eyes closed she then opened them to look across to the dining table, her mind wandering back to Vera and her having dinner, sharing laughs, conversations, kisses.
All the things I think I couldn't do.
Wasn't capable of doing.
Doing with anyone.
Told I wasn't capable of doing.
That I wasn't allowed to do.
Because of what it meant.
But all this time I didn't actually know what it meant.
I still don't really.
Not totally.
Maybe I'm waiting.
Waiting for the abandonment.
The hectoring.
The pushing away she'll do.
The shouting at me.
Telling me how I'm not good enough.
That she can't be near me.
Just like he did.
He said that to me.
Him.
My own father.
Everyday he'd reminded me of it, of how I couldn't be loved, that I was too needy, too clingy, cried too much, wanted to be held all the time, little arms always outstretched wanting that contact, needing that contact to comfort and soothe me, something he'd never done, never wanted to do, didn't want to give me that because it was me and I wasn't worthy of it, that he never loved me because he just couldn't, couldn't love me because I was too weak, soft and just an annoyance by wanting attention. So he did the opposite, the opposite of what I wanted, what I needed, and worse still he punished me for being this way.
Physically and mentally.
Constantly.
Screwing her eyes shut she leaned down onto the island in the middle of the kitchen, breathing becoming more heavy, nostrils starting to flare, willing her thoughts away, the painful ones, the haunting ones, ones that brought the memories flashing back to the forefront of her mind.
She was a little girl, not more than a couple of years old and he was pushing her, pushing her away hard, her little body hitting the solid floor underneath it, shouting at her, slapping her around the face as he shouted, bellowing at her to stop crying, to stop being soft, to stop wailing, to go away and leave him alone, that she was nothing but a burden, a nuisance, that he didn't love her, how could he or anyone else possible love a little annoyance like her, always in the way.
And so it continued, it was always like this, for years, years and years of being told the same things, treated the same way, not in front of people, not in public, oh no that would never do, he had an image to maintain, the perfect man, the perfect father, the perfect daughter.
So no one seemed to have an inkling, an inkling of the pain that that house held, the pain that little girl was carrying on her small shoulders, weighing her down, pushing her feelings down, repressing her, scarring her, damaging her.
"Why me, what did I ever do!? I was just a little girl!" the words coming out in a yelled rush, the glass being picked up and thrown into the sink, shattering with the force it'd hit the bowl with.
Eyes creasing with anguish, a burning ache rising from the pit of her stomach, like someone had poured molten lava down her throat, fist balling tight as one of them was thrust against her own mid section, eyes opening to frantically search for her phone.
Grabbing it from the dining table, her shaking hands scrolled to Vera's number, her mind wrestling with itself, her finger catching the name and number and causing it to dial out, after only a few seconds it was answered.
"Hello....Joan?" the sleepy voice on the other end of the line mumbled.
Shit I didn't mean for her to answer straight away.
Damn my shaking hands.
Damn.
"Yes, Vera erm...I...could you come ov..." shaking her head to herself. "It's ok, doesn't matter, sorry for disturbing you, sorry" ending the call, clenching the fist harder that held the phone, tapping it on her forehead.
What did you do that for, she was in bed sleeping after a night shift.
She's tired and wants to be in bed not getting up at this time.
Stupid, selfish, idiot.
Muttering to herself Joan moved to sit on the stairs, her head in her hands, the sound of the door bell an infinite amount of time later, she wasn't sure how long it'd been, causing her attention to be diverted to the sound, frowning as she padded to the door in bare feet, slowly opening it, seeing a small familiar figure on the other side.
Vera.
"Vera?".
"Yes, you rang me" she replied, dressed in lounge pants, her hair loose, a coat thrown over the top, slipper boots on her feet, obviously not long out of bed.
"I...yes I did, but I shouldn't have done, shouldn't have rang you, my apologies for your wasted journey" looking as the smaller woman pushed her hands into her pockets, Joan feeling embarrassed at herself, eyes diverting from Vera to the floor.
"It's ok Joan, you don't have to apologise for that, you can ring me whenever you like" standing on the doorstep, not pushing her way into the house.
On hearing this offer Joan looked up.
Looked up into the sea blue eyes.
Honest eyes, caring eyes, tired eyes.
Vera's eyes.
"Thank you" eyes back to the floor.
Look at how embarrassed she feels.
Feels bad for calling me, but she doesn't have to.
I'm glad she called me, took the time to reach out.
Reach out for me, for whatever reason she did.
One I came here to find out about.
Help her with if I can.
"Are you ill, hurt, or has something else happened?" she asked softly, watching the older woman step aside, her cue for Vera to come in, which she took gladly, Joan crossing to sit on one of the dining chairs, eyes focusing on her clasped hands in her lap.
"I'm not ill, or hurt, I just...I can't...I can't sleep" she said, quickly darting a look at her deputy who'd stepped closer to her, then back to her hands.
Now is her opportunity to leave or call me names.
She's got a wide open goal to mock me.
Make fun, or dismiss me.
Humiliate me.
Call me weak.
Vera glanced around the space, and then back to the woman sat on the chair.
Look at her, she's embarrassed, shy, feels silly.
But she doesn't have to.
Not with me, never with me.
Crouching down she took Joan's hands, the touch bringing Joan's eyes with hers.
"There's no need to feel any embarrassment, or to feel silly, or any of those things, not with me, ok?" feeling happier as Joan nodded in recognition of the words. "Now, would you like to talk about or finish what you were going to say on the phone to me, hmm?" her voice soft and caring.
Giving a light swallow Joan looked at her hands being partly covered and held by Vera's smaller ones, the woman in front of her not showing any signs of being annoyed or unhappy to have been called out of bed by her.
She doesn't seem mad at all.
I don't sense any of this from her, plus she's just said she's not and she's never lied before.
Not lied to me before now.
She's here holding my hands, asking me to talk to her, wanting to help.
Wanting to help me.
No one has ever offered this in any capacity to me before.
No one but her.
"I...I...I need..." sighing at her inability to just get her words out straight away, her tongue dashing out over her lips to moisten them, she took a minute to gather herself and try again. "I... I rang you to see if you'd come over because I can't sleep, but when you've been here with me.." dark brown eyes looking to Vera, hoping she could finish her sentence.
Well there we go, she asked so I told her.
Let's see what that does now.
I hope she understands what I mean.
I think she might do.
I hope.
Vera couldn't help but smile at the admission from the woman in front of her.
"You've be able to sleep, hmm?" she finished, thinking she'd got it right, this being instantly confirmed with Joan's nod. "Shall we go and see if we can't do that again?".
"Please" replied the governor, giving a small smile, her hand covering a yawn that escaped.
"I'll just take these off" Vera said slipping off her slippers and coat, hanging the coat on the hook next to Joan's, her slippers neatly together next to the black work shoes of the older woman.
Vera looked to the stairs, Joan waiting at the bottom for her, this simple action causing the deputy to smile.
"Shall we?" watching Joan nod and step towards the stairs, the taller woman going up first, Vera not far behind.
Stepping into Joan's bedroom and closing the door, Vera glanced at the bed, the duvet and sheets creased and not made, obviously it had had someone in it tossing and turning in all directions before raising from it and leaving it as it was until now.
Moving to the side she'd gotten in those weeks ago, Vera slipped under the covers, watching her boss do the same on the other side, brown eyes on Vera.
"You look tired Joan" looking over the face of the woman on her side next to her, seeing her trying to hide another yawn.
She's cute when she yawns and tries to hide it, somehow thinking it bad that she's tired, she's done a nightshift like me, not surprised she's tired.
Joan nodded saying "I am" shuffling closer to Vera then holding her position, Vera moving forward herself into the space, embracing the older woman in her arms, smiling on feeling Joan's arms snake around her, softly kissing the top of her head, her senses being filled by the scent of the older woman's shampoo.
"I like being close to you and holding you" Vera whispered into the dark hair beneath her lips, feeling a shift of the head underneath her, Joan looking up into her eyes.
"I like it too" was the whispered reply, surprising herself at not feeling as tentative as she thought she would on admitting this, seeing the face of her companion light up into a happy smile at her admission, unable it seemed to stop herself mirroring the smile.
That smile she has lights up her whole face, her blue eyes sparkle.
It seems to trigger my mouth into a smile, gives me that fluttery feeling in my stomach.
A fluttery feeling I've never experienced before.
It's a strange sensation but not unpleasant.
Especially when it's caused by her.
I also surprise myself at admitting I like her close and holding me.
I never admit things like this.
I've never admitted this.
Ever.
Vera kissed her forehead softly, snuggling closer to Joan, if this was actually possible, but she was going to try anyway.
"Close those tired eyes of yours and go to sleep, I'm here and I'm not going to go anywhere, ok?" her happy smile turning into a grin on feeling a soft kiss be placed on her neck, this followed by Joan resting her head back on her shoulder, whispering " Thank you Vera".
The feeling that comes over me when she holds me is nothing I've ever felt before.
It's safe, it's secure.
Two things I've never been able to say I've felt in someone's presence before.
No one's.
Not even my own fathers.
Especially not him.
But here she is saying she likes having this contact with me.
Likes it despite me finding it hard.
I've no idea how I managed to be able to have such a kind and understanding person in my life, but I'm grateful I do.
Very grateful.
She has a calming effect on me.
I feel dare I say it happy with her.
I like and want to be near her.
For her to be near me.
I want to make her happy.
I like seeing her smile so much.
It makes me smile.
I can't help but smile when I see her face light up.
She's beautiful.
Very beautiful.
I want her to keep smiling, especially around me.
I want to keep her safe too.
To protect her.
Treat her properly.
Look after her, just like she does for me.
I want her.
Her with me.
Joan felt her eyes closing on matching her breathing with the steady breaths of the woman underneath her, the woman whose very presence seemed to give her everything she'd ever wanted but not realised she'd been looking for and actually needed.
The chance at feeling safe and able to fall asleep knowing she was wanted.
Someone actually wanted and cared for her.
And just for her.