Chapter 17
Checking her appearance in her rear view mirror, Joan nodded in approval to what she saw.
I look appropriately dressed for tonight.
Not too much but not too little either.
Tonight.
Tonight with Vera.
Vera cooking dinner.
Cooking dinner for them.
I can't recall when anyone cooked dinner for me.
That's because no one ever has.
Until now.
Getting out of her car, she made her way up the drive and stood at the front door, knocking on it.
Hearing footsteps and then the door open, Joan smiled down at the petite woman smiling back up at her.
"Joan" Vera said, her smile reflecting her delight at seeing the governor at her door.
"Evening Vera" unable to stop herself returning the smile at seeing the other woman.
What is it about her that makes me unable to not smile.
Just now and seeing her smile up at me, obviously happy to see me, and I can't help but return that same action.
She's happy to see me.
Happy that I'm here.
Happy to spend time with me.
She wants to spend her time with me.
Time out of work when she's free to do what she wants and she wants to spend it with me.
No one has before, usually it's been the opposite.
They want to get rid of me, or not bother in the first place.
Hence me being alone for so long.
But not her.
Taking Joan's coat from her Vera hung it up beside hers next to the front door, smiling to herself at how they both looked on the hooks.
They look right hung up there together.
Different sizes obviously but they still don't look out of place.
They look dare I say it at home.
"I brought this" Joan said offering a bottle of Pinot Grigio to Vera.
"Awww Joan thank you" taking the bottle, smiling at the older woman as she headed to the kitchen, Joan following behind.
"I got you a little something too" Vera started, putting the wine in the fridge. "Just stay here I'll be right back ok?".
"Erm.." not sure what she could be going to collect.
"Close your eyes!" called the voice from somewhere near the front door.
Close my eyes for what.
What has she done.
What is she bringing.
"Vera, this is all very.." not finishing her sentence, Vera having walked closer to her, her voice quieter now.
"Please Joan?".
Joan sighed softly and did as requested, still unsure.
Shuffling, shuffling and rustling that's what I can hear, footsteps too.
What exactly is this all about, hang on I can smell something too.
What is it, what has she done.
"Ok, now you can open your eyes" Vera instructed, stood in front of Joan.
Keeping them closed for another couple of seconds, Joan did as she'd been asked, her eyes being greeted by a medium size bouquet of gardenias, the white flowers dotted through with leaves and various other flowers, held together in a silver wrap, a water bag at the stems.
"For you" Vera said, passing them over to the older woman.
Wow.
She bought me flowers.
But not just a regular petrol station or supermarket bunch, a florists type bunch of flowers.
No one has ever bought me anything, let alone flowers.
Not flowers like this at all.
They're beautiful.
What do I say to these?
Can I accept them?
Do I deserve them?
"Are they ok? Do you like them?" the blue eyes searching Joan's face for a response, becoming unsure if she should've bought them and picked something else for her, or not got her any kind of gift.
"Joan?".
"Hmm, oh yes yes they're...they're lovely. No one has ever....before...for me" averting her eyes back to her flowers, shyly. "Thank you" taking in the present she'd just been given.
Vera smiled at her shyness, relief washing over her at Joan liking the gift.
"They're gardenias, do you know what they symbolise?" watching Joan look to her as she spoke, shaking her head.
You've started now Vera.
Be honest with her.
Just be up front.
Tell her what they mean.
Speak from your heart.
Like you used when you picked them.
"They symbolise alignment, hope, trust, purity, clarity, intuition, friendship and people we care deeply about to name a few" allowing herself to swallow after listing what they meant, blue eyes watching and waiting for the reaction of Joan.
Did she just say that to me.
Actually to me
Her flowers can be a symbol of people we care about deeply.
And she gave these flowers to me.
But why.
She shouldn't.
Not to me.
I'm not worthy.
I've been told that, told I'm not worthy of any sort of love.
Joan shook her head a little at the words.
"No..".
No one loves you Joan came the voice of her father.
You're worthless and don't deserve to be loved.
You can't be loved Joan.
You're a disappointment to everyone.
No one can love you.
"Joan?" Vera frowned as Joan's hands trembled, brown eyes screwed shut and then opened again staring right at Vera.
"Y...you can't, not me, I'm not worthy of such things. No, no you just can't, I don't warrant that sort of thing...." putting her flowers on the kitchen counter, a set of hands gripping hers, her breath hitching at the contact, looking down at the petite woman.
Vera nodded. "I can Joan and I do, you do deserve it, you're worthy of it, I know you are" gently squeezing the governors hands.
She can't feel that for me how can she.
My own father couldn't so how can she.
How can anyone feel things for me.
No one can.
What is love.
How do you love.
How does anyone do such a thing.
Love is scary.
It's dangerous.
It's feelings.
Again another furious shake of the head, eyes anywhere but on the woman who still kept hold of her hands.
"Joan look at me, look at me Joan" her tone soft but firm.
Don't you look at her Joan the voice of her father still there but not seeming as booming since Vera had started speaking to her.
Almost like he'd faded.
Faded a little into the background.
His incessant tone had become less so since that word had left the other woman's lips.
The battle in her head raged.
Her father or Vera.
Vera or her father.
Which one.
Which was right.
"Joan...please?" the tender tones filtering her back to the present moment, brown eyes reconnecting their focus to the voice.
Standing on her tiptoes she cradled Joan's face in her hands, looking deep into her eyes, thumbs stroking the soft skin on her cheeks.
"I'm sorry if what I said scared you, I didn't mean it too, I just wanted to be honest with you like I always have been".
Again the older woman closed her eyes and shook her head.
Her body screaming for her to get out of there, her mind joining in with the protests.
But not her heart.
That organ deep within her chest, the thing that had been locked and shackled in its prison since being a child, the layer of ice that covered it and kept it frozen, it was this very organ that seemed to be winning the battle to keep her stood in front of Vera, keeping her rooted to the spot, keeping her face in them soft, warm hands, the hands that seemed to know exactly what she wanted.
"Please stay for dinner and if then after you want to go I won't stop you, I promise" knowing she wanted the older woman to stay for as long as she could possibly keep her.
Joan's eyes bore deep into the blue ones, seemingly in a trance not saying anything until a nod, just a little nod to say she would.
"Thank you" Vera said, the nod enough for her.
Releasing her hands from Joan's face, Vera moved into the kitchen and checked on the meal she was cooking, glancing to the woman still stood in the same spot.
"Can I get you something to drink?" watching Joan look to her.
"Erm, I'll have some wine please" making her way to lean on the countertop, not quite sure where to put herself.
I'm not used to this, being in someone else's house and especially not what she just said to me.
What do I do, where do I put myself?
Do I just go and sit down at the table, or wait?
What she said to me.
What she said about me.
It's shocked me.
Surprised me.
Didn't expect it in the slightest.
The very opposite in fact.
All my life I've been told I'm not worth anything.
No one loves me.
But then she's just come along and said the opposite.
Passing the wine glass to the older woman, who took it gratefully and took a sip of the cool liquid, Vera moved to the table that had been laid out with silver cutlery and dark place mats and two coasters against the wooden platform of dining table.
"Would you like to sit down, everything is near enough ready to be served" motioning to the chairs.
Joan nodded and took her place at the table, her glass taking its place on the coaster, brown eyes raising to wander over to the woman now in the kitchen who was bustling about with the various pans on the stove, items in the oven and plates on the side.
She really has made an effort here tonight to make a nice dinner.
She's laid out a lovely table, the food smells lovely, she's even bought me a gift, not to mention she's said she cares for me.
She does.
Someone has admitted they have that kind of emotion for me.
Emotion for me.
They feel that in themselves for me.
And they admitted to my face.
"This looks and smells lovely, thank you" Joan said as the steaming plate of food was placed in front of her.
"I hope you enjoy it and it's cooked to your liking" Vera smiled at the observation of the older woman.
Joan gave her a little smile, waiting as Vera joined her with her own plate, a jug of water being brought and placed at the side, so it didn't block the view across to the other.
Dinner was a combination of general conversation and comfortable silences, both of them unable it seemed to stop the glances they stole of the other woman when she was looking to her food.
"Thank you Vera, that was very nice" the younger woman taking the plates to the kitchen and beginning to tidy up.
"Can I help you at all?" Joan offered, still sat in her place.
"It's ok, you just relax there, thank you" smiling before going back to what she was doing."You can go through to the living room if that'd be more comfortable for you?".
"Thank you" taking her drink and moving through the house and into the living room, Vera waiting for her footsteps to drift down the hallway, leaning against the sink and closing her eyes.
I'm so hoping that she doesn't want to leave.
She's not mentioned about it since I mentioned it.
I'm praying I've not scared her off, if I have then god knows how I'm going to reverse that.
Calm Vera calm, she's still here.
Just finish in here and then go and spend time with her.
Taking a breath, she put the rest of the pots in the dishwasher, setting it on, picking up her own wine glass and making her way to the living room, her heart relaxing at seeing Joan still here and taking in the various ornaments she had on display.
"There's not many pictures in here.." she offered, stepping into the room causing Joan to turn to the sound. "Mum wasn't one for them really, and she certainly removed any that had my dad and me on when he left" looking at Joan as she spoke.
"You didn't know your father?" Joan asked, not knowing much about her deputy's past.
"Not much no, he left when I was young and nothing after that just mum and I, and this is how it remained till she....died. I can't say that we were close though not at all" taking a sip of wine to ease the dryness in her mouth.
"No?" Joan's turn to take a sip of wine, joining the younger woman to sit beside her on the sofa, turning inwards so she was facing her as they talked, leaving a space gap in between.
Vera shook her head.
"No, she was.... she was abusive, verbally and emotionally, it was like this for years, since I was younger, couldn't do anything right, didn't matter what I did it wasn't good enough, not good enough for her, said I'd never amount to anything, that I was useless..." needing more wine as she spoke.
Vera.
Useless.
No she wasn't.
She was anything but.
She was beautiful, kind, caring, helpful.
How dare her mother treat her this way.
Abuse her like this.
All this woman had ever done is care for her.
Run around all day everyday for her.
And she had the front to call her this.
How dare she!
No one should treat Vera like this.
Hang on.
She said not good enough.
Her mother said she wasn't good enough, just like my father said to me.
He'd used them exact same words.
Over and over.
Year after year.
No matter what I did it wouldn't ever be good enough, just like me.
"Joan?" Vera said, the older woman looking to the woman beside her at the call of her name. "Are you ok?".
"I'm fine, thank you. Just listening to what you said, your mother should never have said those things to you, they're horrible, wicked things...damaging things" hitching on the last two words and needing another drink.
"Yes they are damaging, they effect you for a long time, make you doubt yourself, knock down your confidence, your self esteem..." surprising herself at her openness in front of Joan.
The older woman nodded as she listened to Vera speak, surprised at what her deputy was telling her.
"The picture in your house, is that you with your dad?" the younger woman asked softly, wanting to test the ground first and not push anything with the governor.
Joan's eyes immediately met the blue ones of Vera's at the question, seeing nothing but a genuine and honest interest in the question, to which she dipped her head.
"Yes it is..." fiddling with the stem of the wine glass in her hand.
"Did he teach you how to fence?".
Basic questions Vera, nothing too much for her to answer.
Nothing too prying.
Joan considered the question.
Nothing about me personally.
Me directly.
Is it too prying?
No, it's about fencing.
I can answer that.
"No" shaking her head, tilting back up to look at Vera. "He took me along with him when I was a young girl, said for me to try it, enrolled me, that it'd be good for me, beneficial.." sipping her wine. "So I carried it on, and I still do it now" finishing the rest of her wine.
"Would you like some more?" Vera offered seeing the empty glass.
Joan looked between the glass and the woman next to her.
Do I have some more?
She doesn't seem to want to get rid of me.
Seems to be enjoying my company in her house.
Asking questions but not too much, not ones I can't answer.
And I feel ok in her company.
There's not many times I'm able to say that about someone.
I don't think there's ever been a time outside of work I've been able to say that.
Ever.
"That would be nice, thank you" Joan said, passing her glass to Vera, watching as the younger woman left the living room, she took a moment to look around again, taking her surroundings in more, moving the cushions from behind her and setting them to the side near the arm, she shuffled herself so she was sat back properly into the sofa, moving from being perched on the edge a few moments before, allowing herself to be that bit more comfortable.