Chapter 16
"Is there anything you'd like to add to what we've discussed?" she asked the woman sat across from her at the now familiar dining table in the governors kitchen.
Vera shook her head in answer.
"No I don't think so, think we've pretty much covered it all".
They'd also manage to cover most of Joan's dining table, covered neatly obviously, with piles of files containing various parts of the inner workings of Wentworth Correctional Services.
"Good, now for dinner" closing the file in front of her then getting to her feet, stretching her tall frame out to its full length, needing it after being sat down for a substantial amount of time that evening.
The various pans had been bubbling and cooking away whilst they worked.
Vera cleared the table, setting the place mats, coasters and various other items where Joan asked her too, the two of them sitting in opposite chairs to eat.
Not a word was spoken as they ate, the brown eyes of the governor peeking up and across to her deputy, quickly looking back down to her plate thinking the younger woman hadn't seen, but she had, causing Vera to smile to herself.
"Can I help you?" was the question from Vera as she put the coasters and place mats into one of the kitchen cupboards, Joan having starting filling the dishwasher.
"No thank you, it won't take me long" clicking the machine into life.
Leaning against the worktop Vera watched her wiping the kitchen counter and then moving to the cooker, making sure she got all of the surface.
"I've missed this y'know" Vera splitting the silence between them.
"Hmm?" eyes on what she was doing.
"This, us having dinner together" watching as Joan stopped, half glancing sideways at her, turning back to her cleaning before replying.
"It's been pleasant".
Pleasant.
Pleasant.
Yes that word is ok to use.
Not conveying too much Joan.
Vera shook her head at the response, inching closer to Joan, but still leaving space.
"Just pleasant?".
Joan stopped again at the question, not looking at her deputy this time.
"What would you rather me say?" still her eyes stayed on her hands on the counter top.
"I don't know. Nice maybe, enjoyable, good?" Vera's eyes on Joan.
She didn't want to push her but seen as Joan had invited her in some capacity over to her house, ok they'd done some work, but also had dinner too, plus the fact of the time of the text, didn't that mean something? Also the fact that Joan Ferguson didn't normally text those sort of things to her deputy at such an hour, it might have been deemed an inappropriate hour had the same been done to the governor herself.
How does she do that, how does she know that I've enjoyed it.
Is she a mind reader?
Reading my mind.
My thoughts.
My...my...feelings.
Those things I'm not even sure of myself.
Joan shrugged.
"Hmm?" the younger woman asked.
"What?".
"Have you enjoyed it tonight Joan?" holding her position leant against the work surface.
Brown eyes moving to her guest and then back to the cloth in her hand, fist gripping it, then releasing it.
Control.
Feelings.
No not them I'm not allowed to have them.
I can't.
It's not right.
Not for me, because I don't deserve them.
Not worthy of them.
What's this, a hand on me, touching me.
I can feel it.
A hand over my hand.
It was a hand, Vera's hand.
A glance down to the hand against hers and then to the face of the woman beside her.
Do I tell her to move it, to move it off mine?
To take away her touch.
Do I?
Am I worthy of this touch?
"It's ok Joan" Vera whispered.
Joan shook her head, jaw starting to tighten, brow furrowing then relaxing, her hand still clutching the cloth.
"Don't touch me Vera, let go of my hand...now" forcing herself to try and stand up, straighten from where she'd been bent over.
Vera didn't move her hand even as the older woman stood up, kept it gently gripping the governor's, matching the stare of Joan when she looked down at her.
"Vera".
"Joan".
Joan flared her nostrils at the reply, her free hand balling tightly on the cloth, her eyes narrowing.
She needs to let go of my hand.
She shouldn't be doing this.
Shouldn't be this close.
So why am I not pushing her away.
I'm not comfortable, but then I'm not erupting.
Not erupting at her.
Pulling her hand roughly away from Vera she pushed her towards the counter top, the smaller woman's back coming to be firmly pressed against it, eyes widening as Joan came to stand in front of her, Joan's chest heaving, nostrils fully flared, eyes glaring down at Vera.
The quick reaction and strength caused Vera's heart start to thump that bit faster in her chest, eyes searching the face of the woman glaring down at her, becoming aware of the balled fist rising by Joan's side, almost in slow motion, her eyes moving between this and the piercing dark eyes of the older woman.
"Just calm down Joan, it's alright, everything is ok".
Joan shook her head, the muscles just inside the top of her jaw line rippling with the tension, hand still rising.
"It's not...".
Think Vera, think you've got to diffuse this situation, get her to calm down, get her to relax.
You've managed it before.
You've calmed her down.
She's listened to you.
"It is ok, it is, you're ok, you're safe.." taking a breath in at the fist going higher in the air, it being visible out of the corner of her eye, one of her hands moving from by her side and reaching slowly up, her hand opening, palm cupping Joan's face, her thumb brushing gently against the cheek of the older woman.
Darting brown eyes looked at the floor and then to the petite woman in front of her, doing this a few times before settling on Vera's face, her hand clutching the cloth lowering slightly.
"Why are you doing this?" asked the dark haired governor, her voice softer than before, but still not moving against the touch.
"Because I want to and it's what you deserve" the answer the honest truth of what she thought.
"It's not though, it's not, you need to stop!" Joan's voice suddenly beginning to rise again.
"Is that what you want?" her voice firm but still soft.
"Yes it is...no...yes..I don't know.." her brain scrambling at the question, wriggling under Vera's touch, the younger woman's hand breaking contact with Joan's face, the older woman throwing the cloth, it hitting the higher kitchen cabinets and bouncing off to land on the kitchen surface, finding her voice as she spoke again." Just go, leave, get out!" turning her back on Vera, her long frame visibly shaking, her arm swiping across the nearest counter, taking a couple of wine glasses with it and sending them crashing to the floor, keeping her back to the younger woman, her chest heaving more with heavy breathing, a frustrated cry leaving her lips.
Why doesn't she listen.
Listen and just not touch me.
Leave me alone.
I'm used to alone.
I deserve to be alone.
Don't deserve her touch, her attention, her care.
Standing a little way away from Joan, Vera gently shook her head looking down at the mess on the floor, blue eyes being drawn back to the back of the tall governor.
She really doesn't think she deserves anything.
But she does.
She does deserve it.
I think she does.
I know she does and I want to give it to her.
After a few minutes of looking at the back of Joan, Vera closed the space between them, her arms entwining the waist of the woman in front of her, gently resting her cheek against the soft fabric of Joan's blouse, closing her eyes as she inhaled the clean, fresh scent.
What.
She's still here.
She's touching me.
Holding me.
Not ran away.
Not abandoned me.
I fucking hate that word.
Letting her eyes drift down, she looked at the small arms and hands that were wrapped around her waist, moving her own arms towards them, pausing half way there, unsure, nervous, taking another pause to steady herself, then closed the remaining space, laying her own arms on top of Vera's, her larger hands resting on top of her deputy's.
Vera couldn't help but smile to herself on feeling the touch.
"Ok?" she whispered.
Joan paused again before nodding silently.
"Good. You're safe Joan, nothing is going to happen to you and you do deserve this" her arms squeezing gently as she spoke to emphasize her point.
A hard swallow was made by Joan, the lump not disappearing from her throat despite her wanting it too.
What the hell is going on.
My outburst and her still, yet again being here.
She's actually stayed despite my behaviour.
She's not shouted, not ran, not talked down to me or retaliated.
She's still here.
And she's holding me.
Stood behind me and cuddling me, saying I'm safe, and she's actually doing that, she's making me feel a sense of safety.
I do feel a sense of security when she's with me.
Joan returned the action and squeezed Vera's hands with her own, releasing a deep breath she'd become unaware she was holding, staying rooted to the spot as the woman behind her loosened her grip enough but not fully so she could slide around to stand in front of Joan, gazing up at her, dark brown eyes meeting hers.
"About the.." started Joan, her voice quiet, motioning her head to the glass over the floor.
"Shhhh" Vera shaking her head. "It's ok, that's over and done now, as long as you're not hurt that's all that matters" smiling softly.
Seeing the smile merge over Vera's face after she'd spoken, Joan's expression softened and a little smile developed on her lips, swiftly followed by her leaning down and burrowing her face into Vera's neck, brushing her lips tenderly over her skin for a moment, after which her arms pulled the petite frame into her larger one, so that it was flush against her.
The action grew the smile on Vera's face, one hand leaving Joan's waist and stroking through the long, dark, soft, shiny hair of the woman cuddled against her.
"Joan?" the whisper loud enough for only the older woman to hear.
"Yes?".
"Can I ask you something and have you be honest with me?" feeling the governor lift her head from its position so she could look directly at Vera, see her eyes.
What question does she want to ask?
Suppose I don't actually know until she asks it.
"Very well" her heart quickening up a bit from a few seconds ago.
Right come on Vera, ask her and let's take it from there.
Deep breath and do it.
Keeping her expression calm and soft Vera steadied herself.
Deep blue eyes looking directly into dark brown ones.
"Did you think I'd have left after you asked me too before?" her tone soft.
Joan considered the question for a moment, at the same time her eyes searched for any hint of deception or underhand tactics in the question that had been posed to her.
I can't see any signs of anything.
She's looking at me directly.
Her tone isn't raised or blunt.
She's not moved away.
Joan silently opened her mouth, closing it again and taking a breath, averting her gaze from Vera before reconnecting their eyes.
Nodding she mumbled her answer. "Yes" looking away again.
The younger woman couldn't help a small smile on her face at Joan's answer.
That's interesting to know about her.
She actually thinks I'll leave her.
Get fed up of her and walk away.
She pushes me to see my limits.
Pushes me away from her because she's scared.
Her past scares her, scares her of people.
Of people being close.
Getting close and then leaving her.
I've gotten a bit close to her and she thinks I might do the same.
"Hey.." reaching her hand up and raising herself up on her toes she caught Joan's chin under her fingers, turning the dark haired governors face back to look at her. "Me leaving was never in question, maybe only if you'd have picked me up and physically carried me out" she smirked softly, this causing a chuckle from Joan.
"It's true" keeping her hand on Joan's chin, her thumb brushing the older woman's jaw.
She's saying she wouldn't leave.
And she hasn't she's still here.
Doing as she said.
She's making me laugh.
I can't help pushing her away.
But right now she's here.
She's staying.
She's stayed.
Looking deep into the sea blue eyes that looked back at her, the thoughts of Vera staying and confirming her action swirling through her head, the smile of the petite woman, her gaze, her touch, her flowery perfume, all assets of her drawing Joan closer like a magnet, the tall governor's frame lowering, slowly moving until she had her head level with Vera's, still saying nothing she grazed her lips against those of her deputy's, Vera's eyes closing at the gentle contact.
Holding her position, Joan looked over her face again before she ghosted her lips to each corner of the opposite set of lips, the touch causing a smile to start and then cease from Vera, the ceasing due to the fact that the familiar set of soft lips had been pressed tentatively to hers, feeling the uncertainly in the older woman.
I can feel and sense her nerves.
She's taken what for her is a big risk in initiating contact with me.
She's unsure.
She's frightened.
Not sure if she should.
If I'll like it.
If I want it.
If she's allowed.
Allowed by not just me but by herself.
Vera moved both her hands around the back of Joan's head, fingers getting lost in the long, dark tresses, giving a soft smile and murmur of approval, adding a little nod for good measure to make certain Joan got the message that she liked it.
She likes it.
She likes me doing this.
She's telling me she does, confirming it.
This woman in front of me seems to understand my needs.
My need for that extra assurance.
She hasn't run out tonight.
She's still here and now she's letting me kiss her despite everything.
I like the feel of her lips against mine.
Like them a lot.
They're soft, gentle, safe, caring.
Just like she is.
Her to me.
Having gained more confidence from Vera's reassurance, Joan deepened the kiss, her tongue tickling the other woman's lower lip, silently wanting the consent to advance which Vera granted instantly, a groan being emitted the second she felt Joan's warm tongue against hers in her mouth, pulling herself closer to her boss, the older woman allowing herself to utter a soft murmur of agreement at what they were doing, holding the younger woman in a secure embrace against her body as they continued to exchange soft, but passionate kisses in the middle of the kitchen, thoughts of what mishaps had occurred that night long since forgotten.