Chapter 15
Tick tock.
Tick tock.
Tick tock.
Glancing to the sound of the bedside alarm clock caused a huff and sigh as Joan's eyes saw the time.
2:00am.
This is ridiculous.
Three hours.
Three whole hours I've been sleeping.
What is going on with this no sleeping.
Just go to sleep Ferguson.
With another huff she turned over to face inside her bed.
Tick tock.
Tick tock.
Only this time it was in her mind.
The cogs turning, working, thinking.
They were always thinking.
Thinking of her past, present and future.
Lonely.
Just her.
Until the momentary disturbance of a certain deputy.
Vera.
Vera Bennett.
She'd had another presence in her life then.
Stop, stop that thinking.
She'd certainly stopped that.
That fateful night in the bar.
That horrendous night.
She had had too, had to gain some kind of control.
Control of the situation, of the fears, the feelings.
Those things that Joan Ferguson didn't do.
Suddenly an eruption of the nights previous they'd shared a bed, been close...close, the thing that wasn't meant to happen, wasn't allowed.
A hitching breath at the memories.
The touch of the younger woman against her, small hands gently caressing her, trailing over her skin.
Just like she'd been close to Vera in this very bed, had asked for that, wanted that.
Wait.
Wanted it.
Wanted that contact from another human being.
Screwing her eyes up against the thoughts she folded the pillow so her ears were covered by either side of it, pressing it into them.
Stop Joan, stop!
He said you weren't allowed to do that.
That you weren't capable of it.
But I wanted to, I felt something inside that said I wanted to.
She'd drawn that from somewhere in me.
Brought about those...those...feelings.
Taking a deep breath she released her head from beneath the pillow, turning over and flicking the lamp on that was on her bedside cabinet.
Hauling her body up she arranged her pillows behind her, leaning back against the headboard, picking her phone up that was next to the lamp.
Unlock.
Messages.
Opening the messages between her and a certain deputy.
Her eyes saw the dates of the last ones they'd exchanged.
It had been a while. She'd seen to that, caused it, asked for it.
Now here she was looking at their messages.
Fingers hovering over the keyboard.
Thinking, thinking, thinking.
This isn't right.
Not what I should be doing.
I'm not allowed to do these things, think these things.
Fingers that were hovering, turned to typing, as if taken over by a force that the older woman couldn't stop.
Like they knew what she wanted to do, wanted to express.
Wanted to text a certain other woman.
Wanted that that connection with her.
Connection.
With another person.
Wanting it.
No sooner had it been typed, than it had been sent.
Sent to the woman in question.
Vera Bennett.
A panicked breath in.
Eyes looking over the now sent message.
Would you be available tonight to go over some paperwork? I will cook dinner. Please let me know. Joan.
Biting her bottom lip with nerves, she placed the phone in the space next to her on the bed, jumping in surprise at hearing it signal a message not a few minutes later.
A message at this time in the morning.
Saying that I'm the one awake and sending text messages to my deputy at two o clock in the morning, like that's normal.
What's normal.
I don't know what that is, don't think I ever have.
Her hand picked it back up again.
Unlocked it again.
Then the name.
Vera.
Vera had sent the message.
Heart beating slightly faster at the name staring up at her from the screen.
Open it Joan.
Open it.
Just read it.
Read the message.
Yeah tonight is fine, dinner would be gratefully accepted too, thank you. Hope you're ok with being awake at this hour, you should sleep. V.
She's accepted my offer for tonight.
She's hoping I'm ok.
Concerned for me.
Someone concerned for me.
Her concern.
Sleep ha what's that, well apart from a few hours here and there if I'm lucky.
I slept when she was with me, when she held me.
Joan closed her eyes at the thoughts, thoughts of being held by them arms, Vera's arms, how settled she'd been, calm and comforted.
Gritting her teeth softly, her jaw tight, fighting back the feelings, the warm feelings, feelings that meant she had caved, caved into things not for her.
Things that weren't for her anymore, never had been because of her own mind, her jealously, fears, deep seated issues.
She tapped herself on the cheek with her hand to scold herself.
"Stop it you stupid woman, you know you're not worthy of such things, you know this, you know you don't allow things of this nature.." her bottom lip trembling on placing her phone back next to her bed, turning the lamp off and shuffling to lay back down in the dark.
Close your eyes and go to sleep Ferguson.
Go to sleep.
She's agreed to come over just as you asked her.
Now leave it at that.
Leave it where you're allowed.
Where you put this situation.
You, no one else.
You.