Chapter 14
Like an itch that didn't go away.
Underneath your skin, prickling away .
Constantly there just waiting.
Waiting and waiting.
Waiting to erupt.
That's what this feeling inside me feels like.
I don't understand it.
I don't understand how to get rid of it.
How to deal with it.
It's scary.
Scary to feel out of control but at the same time not know how to grasp that control.
Out of control at being out of control.
A vicious cycle and all that goes with it.
Whirling like a dervish in your head.
Taking things with it.
People with it.
Women.
Vera.
Hence me being sat here at my dining table on my own.
Again.
Alone.
Knock knock.
The front door.
At this time of night.
Knock knock again.
Frowning Joan got to her feet, gliding across the floor and to the source of the noise.
Sighing at the irritation of someone being here and disturbing the first chance of proper quiet she'd been allowed after finishing work.
She opened the door, her eyes showing their surprise seeing a familiar face stood on her doorstep.
Her deputy.
Vera.
She was here on her doorstep, unannounced.
"Oh erm....Vera..yes?".
"Evening Joan.." trying to gauge the atmosphere before she carried on talking.
This I wasn't expecting on a Saturday night.
Not expecting to see her, the last person I'd be expecting, not that anyone else was likely to arrive on my doorstep, there wasn't anyone else.
What does she want?
Why is she here?
"Vera..." she replied simply, not quite sure what to say.
Vera studied her face, those dark brown eyes, a slight haunted expression in them, obviously not knowing why her deputy was on her doorstep.
"May I come in?" keeping her voice soft, not sure if she'd be allowed into the house.
The tall woman said nothing for a few moments her mind deciding whether to let her, eventually nodding in confirmation and moving to the side, holding the door open for the younger woman.
"Thank you" stepping just inside the doorway, not wanting to encroach Joan's space, swallowing down the nervous lump in her throat.
Closing the door Joan turned to face and look down at the woman in her house, waiting for the silence to be broken, her eyes studying blue ones.
Blue eyes looking up into brown ones, deep dark brown ones.
Such amazing eyes.
Big eyes.
Hypnotizing.
"So.." Joan broke the silence, pulling the deputy from her trance like state upon looking into her boss's eyes.
"Yes, erm well...I just wanted to see how you were?".
Best start with that, test the water.
"I'm fine.." blunt and to the point.
"Are you sure?" gently probing but not too much.
Joan nodded, her eyes having moved down to her now shuffling socked feet.
After what happened she shouldn't be here asking me if I'm alright, not after what I did.
After how I behaved that night.
Behaved to her.
I couldn't help it though.
Watching this slight change in behaviour Vera took a step forward, hovering her hand over the upper arm of the woman in front of her before gently placing it against the material of Joan's long sleeved top.
Joan jumped lightly at the unknown and unexpected touch, her eyes darting to Vera's.
"It's alright, just me..." her voice soft and gentle.
"I...I know it is, it's just well..." she knew what she wanted to say, but her brain stops her, just can't seem to connect with the actual words, her nostrils flaring at the start of her frustration.
Frustration mixed with guilt, add in shame and a touch of upset and that was a rather good way to describe it.
The guilt at her behaviour, her uncontrolled rage, jealous highlights that had flared.
Vera let her try to get her words out, sensing and seeing the evidence of the internal struggle she was going through, the older woman's jaw tensing, her lip quirking, brow frowning.
I don't know how to say it.
How to vocalise it.
Get the words out.
Voice them.
Actually say them.
I just can't.
It's so hard.
Visions of that Saturday at the bar flashing across her mind.
The jealousy, the overwhelming fear, abandonment, being alone, anger.
Shaking her head, her fists clenching, her breathing hitching at the back of her throat, Joan's eyes moved to Vera and then darted away.
Embarrassed, frightened, frustrated, anxious.
She could feel it.
Feel it all through her.
The shaking, the tight chest, feeling of warmth over her body.
Too much.
Like a wave that built then came crashing down.
"No.." was the croaked word Vera managed to hear, followed by the rapid footsteps of her boss disappearing past her and up the stairs, running across the landing, followed by a door being shut and then nothing.
Silence.
Panic attack.
That's what that seemed like to me.
Joan was experiencing a panic attack.
It'd had said that on the various sites she'd been reading.
Said that most people up to ninety percent of suffers of this disorder have some sort of anxiety.
Yes she didn't know of Joan ever being diagnosed but she was pretty sure her boss fit into the disorder from her reading.
Stepping further into the house and looking up the steps to an empty landing Vera glanced around her surroundings, her eyes automatically finding the picture of Joan and her dad, walking over to it she looked closer, eyes on her father and then young Joan.
"What happened to you hmm, what unspeakable things have been done to you, been thrust upon you, making you into who you are today. I know you're under there, under that shell you wear to protect yourself, to protect your heart, under that exterior I'm convinced there's a big heart, a woman that's kind, loving, sensitive, strong.." fingertips stroking down the cheek of the young girl in the picture.
Sitting on one of the dining room chairs her eyes wandered over the kitchen, so neat, tidy, organised, so Joan, just like the rest of the house.
Then the footsteps.
Footsteps from behind her.
Down the stairs steadily.
Joan's footsteps.
Craning her neck she glanced towards the sound, even though she knew what and who it was.
"Oh...you're...you're still here" Joan a little surprised she'd not come down to an empty house considering what had just occurred.
She's not run.
She's not gone.
Not left me.
Not abandoned me.
She stayed.
Stayed.
"Yeah, is that ok?" questioning if it was ok, as she got up from the chair and moved nearer to the other woman but still being wary of not crowding Joan.
After giving a slight shrug Joan nodded and then looked at Vera.
Now come on Vera, let's see if we can make a little bit of ground with her.
Remember calm and careful.
Be confident but not too much.
Remember what you've read.
"It must be difficult going through what you've just experienced..." leaving it there, again testing the water, not wanting to scare the older woman or say too much.
What was that.
Validation.
Recognition.
"I don't know what you..." eyes down to the floor, brain thinking.
She didn't belittle what you said, or try to say she knew, she said 'must' not 'know'.
Them two words.
Important words.
Well to me they are, they change the way a statement can be taken, perceived.
Repeating the sentence again in her head she raised her eyes to her deputy, searching those eyes, searching, looking, checking.
No signs of judgement, deception, anger.
Nothing.
No danger signs.
Safe?
Deep breath in and a nod.
"S..Sometimes" her voice quiet.
Vera nodded in understanding.
Now her turn to glance away.
Come on Bennett deep breath.
Deep breath.
"What happened at the bar the other weekend...." sensing Joan's eyes fixed on her Vera looked up and was met with that look, fear, fear and panic flashing across the governor's features, quickly continuing.
"It's ok, I just wanted to say I don't blame you for what happened, it wasn't your fault, not in that way, I understand that it caused you some considerable distress and upset, and that that's ok, it's allowed, it doesn't make you a bad person and you don't have to feel guilty about it, Joan, at all.." her tone remaining soft and gentle, eyes not moving from the woman she was talking too.
Joan's brow furrowed and then eased gradually as Vera spoke.
Wait a minute what was going on here.
She's not yelling or shouting at me.
No raised voices.
Not confronting me.
She's talking to me like a normal person.
Not accusing me of anything.
Not making me feel anymore guilty of how I behaved.
She's saying she doesn't blame me.
That it wasn't my fault, that it's understandable.
That I'm not a bad person for it.
Her eyes match what she's saying too.
Truth in her eyes.
Truth to me.
Dark eyes stayed on Vera's blue ones, considering her, looking at her, weighing up her next move.
Tentatively she took a step towards the smaller woman, pausing before taking another, looking like a predator stalking her prey.
Vera held her position.
Didn't move.
Two pairs of eyes locked together.
Then she was there, in front of her, that close that Vera could smell her perfume, that scent.
Joan's scent.
Should I move first and if so what should I do?
This decision was made for her as she felt arms around her body, those familiar strong arms pulling her close, her body resting against the body of the woman she'd wanted to be against since the last time they'd been close.
Joan.
Having snaked her arms silently around Vera she said nothing, didn't need to, the feel of Vera's arms around her own waist giving her enough confirmation.
Confirmation that right here in this moment this was exactly what was needed.