Chapter 4
Right come on you've had a day of not seeing her and are feeling alright, get a grip and stop with this acting like a teenager around your boss, it's just ridiculous and isn't right. Getting out of her car she took a breath, heading across the car park and forcing herself not to have her eyes drawn to where she knew a familiar dark car would be parked. Eyes forward Bennett, head up.
Another breath, chin up and straight to the gate to get let into work. That's where she was....work.
Work and being professional.
Joan Ferguson.
No stop. Work and prisoners, there's more here than her.
More than Joan Ferguson at Wentworth.
Joan Ferguson pretty much is Wentworth.
Vera enough, it's got to stop.
Work. Concentrate.
She was thankful she was called upon near enough from the minute she'd signed in and put her bag down, it'd keep her mind occupied. It certainly did that, between the groups of prisoners who had decided to try and start a riot first thing, women who had taken it upon themselves to try and get one past the guards in relation to sneaking things in via their 'visitors', the list went on, briefly she'd seen the woman in question to inform her of the things that had been happening during the day, but this was only on a professional level, therefore kept the discussions on track and got her in and out of the office in a prompt manner, not leaving space or time for anything else because the next incident the kind prisoners had decided to happen came up. Usually she'd be pulling her hair out on days like this, the constant running around, hassle, being pulled from pillar to post, but on this occasion on this day she was glad of it, glad of the dare she say it....distraction.
Unfortunately every day and shift has it's finish, even this one, steadying herself outside the office door with the plaque with that formidable name on it, she knocked and took a deep breath as she heard the voice from the other side giving her permission to enter.
"You wanted to see me governor..." her eyes reluctantly looking up at the figure stood behind her chair, leaning on the back of it.
"Yes I did, it's been a rather stressful day today..." she started, flexing her neck to try and loosen the tension that was there, silently walking past the other woman and into the other part of her office leaving Vera stood by the other chair, listening to what was happening on the other side of the wall.
Now leaning on the back of the chair, she strained her ears to listen when Joan didn't appear, jumping as she heard a smash from the other room, immediately rushing to the noise, being met with the sight of her boss leant forward against the counter top, her eyes closed, the sound of the smash littered all over the floor at her feet, a cup. Looking between the woman and the floor, she became aware of noise coming from the taller woman, what was that, a sigh mixed with a whimper, her brain furiously trying to decide what to do for the best, do I clean the porcelain up or try and help Joan.
"Bloody thing slipped out of my hand, I can't even pour a drink..." the older woman's tone tired and flat, being followed by her shaking her head, scoffing at herself. Moving forward Vera put her hand on Joan's upper arm, the older woman flinched at the contact.
"Don't!". Vera pulled her hand away before asking. "Why?". "Just don't, I'm not worth it". Vera frowned.
"That's not true...". What was that she heard from the woman still leant in front of her, a sniffle?
Joan nodded.
"Yes it is, I'm not worth it, I don't deserve it ok, so don't do it. Don't touch a worthless woman like me, I don't deserve it from you or anybody, I don't warrant that sort of treatment" her tone firm and harsh. "It's not true, you do deserve it" she tried again. Silently Joan turned her head, fixing her eyes with the blue ones close by.
"I. Don't". Vera swallowed down the lump that had formed as soon as Joan looked at her, those big brown eyes, those eyes that she'd heard people say were empty behind, that there was no soul in them. But there was, she'd seen a glimmer of it that night at dinner, the gesture of her boss's hand over her, the smile that she gave when she did it.
Third time lucky, let's hope it's a charm like they say.
"You do Joan.." her tone soft and caring, saying a silent prayer before replacing her hand back on the upper arm where it'd been before. Brown eyes moved from blue down to the touch that had been placed back upon her, not at her request but freely.
Back to the blue eyes she looked, studying, searching, waiting.
She's got some front I'll give her that, even after me telling her not to give me sympathy or be nice to me she comes back for more, telling me I do deserve it as well as touching me.
Why is it anyone else I'd be raging at, pushing them off, shouting at them, not allowing them near me, but here, with her I'm not, what is going on here, what is happening. "Why are you touching me?" the question breaking them out of the silence, causing Vera to keep her eyes on Joan, and her hand where it is as she answered.
"Because I thought you could do with some comfort and decided this was the best way considering the situation, why do you ask?" maybe she shouldn't have added the last bit but hell Joan asked her a question so she was asking her own. Joan's nostrils flared a little as she considered the question put to her, the word comfort not a topic she had that much experience in, especially not towards herself from another person.
"I ask...I ask because, because you did it without me asking you". Vera nodded yes.
"I did, because that's what can happen sometimes, people can give it freely without being asked, in this situation you needed comfort so that is what I gave you" her tone expressing the honesty in her words.
Is it wrong I like her hand on my arm, she says it's for comfort and why is it that it's doing just that, comforting me, or is that her, all of her. Joan stop, emotion leads to mistakes. Mistakes Joan, mistakes and you're not allowed to make them.
The dark haired woman shook her head suddenly, frowning at her thoughts, clamping her eyes shut, wanting to shake herself out of the situation she was in, suddenly feeling uneasy at the contact.
A frown crossed the smaller woman's brow as she felt Joan tense and then shake her head, sensing her distress. No words as she very gently rubbed her upper arm, not moving away or towards her.
Push her off Joan, push her off, she's touching you.
Loss of control, emotions, not good.
Her head was spinning, her thoughts racing, trying to decide what to do, the voice of her father in her ears, in her head, filling her mind.
She let a whimper escape, a pained noise, anything to try to release some of this pain.
"It's ok Joan, it's ok, shhh...". Vera grimaced for the older woman who seemed in a considerable amount of distress wanting to help, stop it, anything to make it that bit easier. Still she rubbed her arm, still she hushed soothingly.
Ears ringing but then quietening, mind spinning then slowing, but how, what, why, that voice, what is it, whose it is, unable to separate the noises straight away, her brain straining to make sense of the audio filling her being.
"Shhhh, I'm here, you're not on your own, shhh...".
There is it again, becoming aware of it being nearby, very nearby, next to her.
Dare she open her eyes, dare she look.
She swallowed trying to gain some kind of composure, trying to get some saliva in her mouth that had become so very dry. Taking another deep breath, even more aware of her calming thoughts that were being aided by the soothing voice beside her, she slowly opened her eyes, the lashes parting to reveal the face of Vera, stood that little bit closer, rubbing her arm and looking at her, a look of concern mixed with care on her face, her features soft, blue eyes twinkling under the spot lights of the ceiling above where they stood.
Joan's breathing calmed, beads of sweat on her forehead, Vera noticed these but didn't say, more bothered about the health and welfare of the woman at her side.
"I'm sorry.." the dark haired woman mumbled softly, feeling embarrassed and vulnerable at having got upset in front of her deputy. Vera shook her head, sympathetically. "There's no need to say sorry, no need at all..." her voice gentle and calm, smiling softly before adding.
"It's been a long day for us all...." taking a tentative pause knowing the risk she was taking by asking the next part, it being purely meant as a kind gesture and hoping for it to come across in that way. "Would...would erm you like me...allow me to drop you at home, just to know you're home and safe..." her breath hitching in her throat, suddenly more nervous. Her take me home.
Her drive me home. No one has ever offered this.
Dare I accept, wouldn't it be a loss of control.
Joan studied the eyes looking straight at her, those blue eyes full of what was that, care, concern, sympathy.
She isn't looking at me and pitying me, not forcing me, she's...she's caring for me.
Joan swallowed hard, taking a moment before replying. "I erm...I..." her brain fighting between what she knew she'd usually say and how she felt and what she wanted to say in this moment.
"It's ok, take your time.." again rubbing her hand against the fabric covering that strong upper arm.
The dark haired woman took a breath, glancing away before back to Vera. "I...what would you do, just take me home?". Vera nodded. "Yes, I'll drop you off outside just to make sure you got home safe, it's been a long and stressful day and you're exhausted, I'd just like to know that you're home safe" and she did, she couldn't help but want to make doubly sure her boss got home safe, never had she been so forthcoming with wanting to take someone home before, especially not another woman, but this time it was different, this woman was different. She made Vera feel different.
After a few minutes of silence Joan nodded her response.
"Ok, ok then" her voice soft and tired. Vera smiled, removing her hand. She heard a sigh from the other woman at her action, had she caused this due to her lack of contact, did Joan actually like her touching her, having that contact with her, it seemed so.
The rubbing of her arm had calmed her down, so much so that she was allowing her to drop her off home, she wasn't objecting, she wasn't shouting, she was calm and letting Vera help, maybe Joan Ferguson liked the physical contact from her deputy.
Collecting their belongings and then signing out at the desk, they walked in silence to Vera's car, heading out of the gates and to Joan's house, the dark haired woman sat back in the passenger seat, gazing out of the window. Not being able to help herself as she drove Vera found herself catching a look at the woman beside her out of the corner of her eye, how her frame filled the chair, her legs filling the foot well where hers didn't even remotely fill half of that gap.
Eyes on the road Bennett, concentrate woman.
It was there again, she was checking out Joan Ferguson.
Moving eyes from the door window to the windscreen, then looking out of the corner of her eye, she looked over that small frame sat in the driver's seat, hands gripping the steering wheel, blue eyes focused on the road, tapping her fingers along with the song on the radio, unable to help quickly smile to herself at the woman next to her, almost feeling disappointment when her house came into view, Vera pulling up outside her door, stopping the car and putting the handbrake on, turning to Joan and smiling. She looked back at her, not moving, her eyes fixed with the blue ones.
Come on Joan, get out of the car, you're here at home, time to go inside.
This is what her brain was telling her, but her body wasn't following suit at that moment, it wasn't listening, didn't want to listen, was happy where it was.
Wait a minute what was that word.
Happy. Happy where she was.
Joan Ferguson doesn't do happy.
Can't do happy.
Doesn't know what that word means.
"Would you like me to come in with you?" was the soft question from the younger woman. She wanted to make sure her boss was alright, but didn't know how far to go with it, she'd dropped her home so maybe this was enough, she said she'd just do this, to make sure she got home safe.
Joan shook her head. "That's ok Vera, I'll be fine now, thank you though" she had no right to ask for anything else of this woman, she'd done far too much for her already. "As long as you're sure..." taking what was that a deep breath watching as Joan grabbed the handle of the door to get out, quickly taking a chance and asking.
"I erm...I was just wondering, I mean I know you'll probably be busy or something or but...maybe...maybe you'd like to go for dinner on Saturday night, I understand if you don't...no pressure obviously" she babbled, forcing herself to hush, her hands together in her lap, rubbing them together to try and rid the film of nervous perspiration that had formed. Joan's head snapped round as she heard Vera speak, big brown eyes searching the face, looking for any sign of anything hidden behind the offer being posed to her, yet she couldn't find anything, feeling her own body start to feel clammy at what had just been put to her, she couldn't decide, her head wouldn't let her right then and there, she needed time.
"Erm... well..." swallowing, swallowing again. "Can I think about it?". "Of course, like I say it's just a thought, no pressure or need to, just a suggestion" wondering if maybe it wasn't as good an idea now she'd said it out loud.
Stupid Vera, stupid, why didn't you just say nothing, just drop her off and say nothing.
A nod from Joan as she opened the car door. "Goodnight Vera" closing the door and walking around the car to her front door.
"Goodnight Joan" as the woman turned at the sound and then she was gone, into the house.
Vera closed her eyes, head on the steering wheel for a few moments.
Come on Bennett home time, there's been enough drama for one day.
Turning the radio up a bit louder she drove home, yawning as she pulled into the drive, out of the car, locking it and then into the house. Not bothering to cook any food, she grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen and headed upstairs, showered, pyjamas on and then straight into bed, letting herself relax into the pillows, closing her eyes. Suddenly a buzz from beside her.
Her phone.
Sighing she inched herself up, reaching over to pick it up from the beside drawer. Who could be messaging her at this time of night.
The screen lit up.
A message. From Joan Ferguson.
Ok that wasn't unusual.
She was her boss and had her number, maybe she needed to let her know something to do with work tomorrow.
But at this time of night.
With a shrug she opened it to read.
To what you asked before in the car, I'd like to accept. Thank you. Joan.
If she'd read it once she'd read it 10 times, Joan had accepted, she'd accepted her offer of dinner.
She Vera Bennett was going to be going out on Saturday night with Joan Ferguson for dinner.
Bloody hell fire, best get prepared for this one girl, this had the potential to go in any which way you could think of, this could if worst came to worse a disaster or by some small glimmer of hope that poked through, it could actually go well.
The clock had begun ticking down to Saturday night.