Chapter 14
"Lena?" Alex says as she enters the balcony in Lena and Winn's shared room.
"Alex?" Lena asks with concern in her voice. "Is everything alright with Kara? Is she okay?"
Alex takes a step closer towards Lena. She stands beside the raven-haired woman, looking down at the view of the beach from the room's balcony. "She's okay. I just came to check up on her. Lucy just got back from the Pharmacy. She's with her and Maggie."
"Oh." Lena says, taking a sip from the red wine she's holding. "spectacular, isn't it? The view, I mean."
"I never figured it out, you know." Alex turns to face those emerald eyes beside her. "How you could do it. I read articles and even asked doctors but I could never calm Kara when she's having those panic attacks."
Lena smiles shyly feeling a little nostalgic as memories of her and Kara during those panic attacks flood through her mind. Despite Alex saying she never figured it out, for Lena, it was plain and simple. It was easy for her to do. She never had a hard time trying to calm Kara since they started being friends.
"You just have to assure her she's safe, Alex. That she's not alone and you're there with her at that moment."
Alex stares at the view right in front of her, taking in the fresh air. "That's what we both want, isn't it?"
"what do you mean?' Lena says, raising an eyebrow at Alex, not really getting what Alex is trying to say.
"Kara. Safe. You know. I've watched from the sidelines, Lena. For years, I saw Kara's heart break piece by piece slowly." Alex turns to face Lena, letting her know where this was going through her eyes. "But I never said anything because as much as unrequited love hurts, with the guys I dated before Maggie, I knew you couldn't force love too. And I knew you never wanted to hurt Kara."
"Alex, I-"
"no," Alex says, shaking her head. "let me finish first. I never blamed you for my sister's heartbreak, Lena. But now... it's not the same case, anymore isn't it? I see you with my sister and there's something different. It's ironic because Kara is the one with feelings for you but she's also the one oblivious to how you feel now."
Alex looks back down at the beach again, carefully trying to choose the right words to express what's in her mind. "I knew you and Veronica had been over. I let it play out the way you wanted it to because it wasn't my place to do otherwise."
" I guess what I'm trying to say, Lena is whatever happens next, it's on you. If you end up breaking Kara's heart, even just the tiniest piece of it, The blame is on you. you know, she has the chance to be happy with Lucy now." Alex takes a deep breath before she continues. "I don't really care who Kara ends up with. Hell, I wouldn't mind if she's single as long as she's happy. So whatever you do next, you better be sure about it. Just.. just make sure my sister ends up Happy, Lena."
Alex pats Lena's shoulders as she takes a step back, whispering before she leaves. "because we both know my sister deserves someone who loves her with every beat of her heart. "
When Alex was finally out of the room, Lena let out a deep breath she didn't know she was holding. Alex was right. She didn't even need to tell Lena that. In Lena's eyes, Kara had the brightest smile in the world, whether it be when she listens to Lena telling her how the stock prices are, watching her favorite tv shows, reading food journals, looking at photos of puppies and kittens in her phone or simply talking about how her day went. It still pains her knowing she had somehow dimmed that smile a little. And she promised herself she never would again. Never again even if it means dimming her own smile as she lets her best friend go. Because as selfish as she was when she was with Veronica, She couldn't do that with Kara. She couldn't even consider the idea of being selfish with her. She just couldn't.
"Hey Kar, you ready?" Lucy asks as she finishes packing her things for their flight tomorrow. "And wow! That's really breath-taking!"
"Really? I dont know it seems dark" Kara says, looking at her canvas. She had been pretty frustrated lately and painting has been her outlet. Though her work seems to be edgier than usual. On the canvas was a woman's back, walking in the beach barefoot, the wind bowing her hair. The colors used were dark but something about the painting was captivating.
"It's amazing, Kar" Lucy says, pulling Kara in her arms, kissing her.
"Luce?"
"hmmm?" Lucy smiles.
"If I hadn't found a job offer in Daily Planet, would you still leave?" Kara asks not really knowing why.
Lucy was quiet for a minute, thinking of what she might do. "I don't know. We wouldn't know"
Kara Danvers could not do patient even if she wanted to. Yet she tried. She tried her best to be patient, waiting for Lena to tell her. It's been days and she is scheduled to leave for Metropolis the next but Lena still hasn't talked to her about Veronica or even about what could have happened in the hotel room. Well, they say waiting is painful but not knowing what to do next is actually the worst kind of suffering. So screw waiting. She has to talk to Lena.
"Kara!!" Lena complains, looking at the box left in front of her as they were having one of their movie night in Lena's Penthouse. "You ate the last slice of the pizza"
"hey. Totally not my fault. It was calling me"
"It was calling you, huh?" Lena laughs, throwing a pillow at Kara.
Kara runs away from Lena who is now chasing her with a pillow. She gets one for herself for protection and another one to throw at Lena. Both women were laughing as they keep on hitting each other with pillows, not minding the mess that the feathers of the pillows are causing.
Lena was running after Kara when the blonde suddenly trips. Lena saw it coming so she tries to pull Kara, helping her out. But only ended up tripping herself and falling on top of Kara on the floor. Once again, their lips were only a few centimeters away, never really touching. Their laughter began to fade and is replaced by their heavy breathing. Those emerald eyes meet the gaze of the piecing blue eyes below her. Lena was so lost in those piercing blue eyes that she almost gave in. Almost.
As reason hits her, Lena clears her throat, slowly backing away from Kara. She fakes a laugh as she heads towards the kitchen to get some water, not bothering to turn her back to see Kara's face. "gosh. I'm such a clutz. want some water?"
"Stop" Kara says. It was barely a whisper yet you could hear the tenacity in her voice.
Lena ignores this. She tries to hide her nervousness of where this night might end up. "No water then. How bout some tea or-"
Kara cuts Lena off, not really wanting to avoid this conversation anymore. "We almost kissed Lena! Twice! Back in the hotel room.."
"Back in the hotel room should have never happened" Lena says, sighing as she turns to face a frustrated Kara Danvers.
"So what? Was that nothing for you? Was this..." Kara gestures her hands around. "was this just a game for you, Lena? Are you bored?"
"DONT!" Lena exclaims. "You have no idea how I felt back there in the hotel room. You have no idea Kara"
Before she continued, Lena slowly steps closer to Kara but still not close enough to her
"I.. I hoped. For a moment, I hoped. I hoped for You and I not for the next few months or years but for now! I had a flicker of hope Kara. I allowed myself to hope then suddenly.." Lena snaps her finger. "Just like that, It's gone."
"You're right. I had no idea, Lena!" Kara scoffs. "Why didn't you tell me? about Veronica. WHY?!"
"The same reason why you didn't tell me you're leaving."
"That's different" Kara shakes her head, trying to hide her shock.
Lena sighs. "It's not. Telling each other wouldn't change a thing. That's why."
"No!" Kara was already raising her voice. "That's not it Lena! Why didn't you tell me?!"
"Because why would I Kara? We stopped talking about Veronica way before we even broke up! We stopped talking about her. And Everything..." Lena takes a deep breath, looking up to stop her tears from falling. "Everything was becoming less about her and more about... more about what you think... about how your day went, what's bothering you. Everything in my world was more about... has Kara eaten? is she okay? What would make her smile today? goddamit everything was becoming more about you, Kara!! And I... I didn't know what to do, okay!! Youre happy and it wouldn't have change a thing. I don't even know when you and Lucy will move!! I was just ha-"
"Tomorrow" Kara interrupts Lena.
Kara was taken aback by Lena's admission. Lena was basically saying she occupied her mind. But Kara wasn't sure what it means. Why is she occupying Lena's mind. Could it be she's occupying her heart as well. She needed to know. She needed to hear if the person she's been in love with feels the same way,
"What?" Lena laughs wryly as tears began to fall from those emerald eyes. "Youre leaving. Tomorrow. and you didnt even tell me until now?! Were you even planning to??"
Lena slowly sits on the couch, looking down at the floor, shaking her head in disbelief as her heart breaks.
"Tell me." Kara whispers.
"What?" Lena slowly looks up to meet Kara's gaze.
"Tell me to stay and I would." Kara's says, her voice pleading as tears fall from those piercing blue eyes. "Give me a reason to stay, Lena. Give me something. Anything. Lena, please."
Lena stands, taking a step closer towards Kara, tears still falling from her eyes. "what do you want me to say Kara? That youre important to me? That I care about you? That everytime you walk in the room I light up. That I hate it when youre with her. And I hate myself for being too late? Because I do Kara. I do!"
Lena holds Kara's hand, pulling her closer as she rests her forehead on hers.
However, Kara pulls away, letting go of Lena's hand, tears still flowing. "WHY LENA? TELL ME WHY???!"
"Because I... Because It's you, Kara! Because I... I feel for you"
Because I love you is what Lena really wants to say. But Alex's words is like a broken vinyl that keeps playing on her head, telling her to be sure, telling her that whatever happens Kara gets to be happy. and she really isn't sure if she is capable of making Kara happy. And as much as losing Kara scares her, being the reason why Kara's light all dimmed out terrifies her even more.
"That's not enough" Kara whispers
As much as Kara wanted to stay, as much as she loves Lena, she just couldn't go back to where they were several months ago. She couldn't go back to the pain that the uncertainty brought. She needed Lena to be sure because she couldn't handle hoping and actually feeling there's something more when any minute it could be taken away from her. She couldn't go back. Lena feeling something for her simply wasn't enough. For the past several months, Kara had grown as a person and she had learned to be strong and independent. She had learned to love and prioritize herself more especially when needed. And that's what Kara feels she needs right now. So as much as it pains her shattering her own heart in to a million pieces, she walks out, wanting to leave Lena to figure her feelings out for herself. Because Kara's sure of her own and it's to Lena to figure hers out. Because if Lena only did, she would have stayed. Kara would have given everything up in a heart beat.
And Like Dejavu, after words were thrown and voices raised, someone walks out the door as the other watches her leave the place and maybe her life completely. But this time, it's Kara who walks out, leaving Lena devastated, not knowing a few minutes after she'd left, Lena would now be the one who collapses on the floor as she breaks down and cry knowing her world was falling apart, that her world would be gone the next morning.