can I stay next to you?

aiah

It’s just a few days before the concert and naturally, all our schedules are jam packed together. Hectic? Chaotic? Those words don’t even come close to describing the reality of what’s going on at the moment.

But regardless of the absolute mess of everything in our lives, I couldn’t have asked for a better set of people to be beside me in this journey.

It’s suffocating sometimes though. Not because of our fans and loved ones’ love and support — HUGE NO. Just the pressure we put on ourselves because of everything we receive.

“Ate Aiah” a voice pulls me back in.

That’s when I realized I’ve been staring at the floor. How long was I out?

“Ate Aiah? You good?” the same voice cuts through my thoughts as someone sits in front of me.

She tilts her head to look at me. It was then my eyes started to focus on her. Her worried face comes through and my instict comes in.

“All good here Mikhs, just a little tired” I tell her and smile.

“Valid. Me too, we’ve been at this for the whole day. It’s a good thing patapos na” she leans back, her arms were behind her as she closed her eyes with her head facing the ceiling.

Today’s practice is for tomorrow’s MV shoot. We’ve gotten so busy the past months na ngayon lang talaga kami nagkaroon ng time to rehearse the choreo.

Time went by in a blur, it’s usually like this when we practice. There isn’t really much, just constant repetition until we’re in sync. Even more for me ‘cause I was never one to sing or dance before that day I was introduced during our SHA days. 

That’s why I’ve got to prove na deserve ko itong spot ko sa BINI. I’ve got to prove it to them.

It’s now time to go home, we bid our choreographers and team members with us until the ripe time of 12 MN. And went to at least change our clothes before we head home.

Arriving in the van, a spot was open for just myself. Great. Alone, again.

Today was insane and I think we’re reaching our limits. There’s so much we have to do and all these people we have to please because of this fame we haven’t yet come to terms with.

Believe me, of course we wanted to be famous. Famous for our sound, famous for our performances, famous for the Filipinos — to bring pride to the Philippines. But most importantly, to be famous for being genuine people.

Yes, we have good times, great times even. But, we also experience bad times, difficult times. We feel the pressure, the eyes that watch our every move. I can already imagine the headlines, the tweets, the comments that surface from a small hiccup. That’s the hard thing about this industry — accepting that you can’t truly please everyone.

A small hump on the road woke me up from my slumber. Most of the girls are resting in their own little way. I woke up just in time kasi malapit na kami sa apartment ko. I’ve fixed my stuff already so bababa nalang talaga ako.

“Thank you po Kuya!” I quietly chirped before getting off the van, not wanting to disturb my tired sleeping girls.

Once I’ve fixed myself, my feet immediately made their way to my bed. That was my hand’s cue to close the lights and bring my phone with me, just as I settle into my invitingly cozy bed. The unadjusted brightness of my phone caught me off guard and the plethora of colorful apps came into display.

The various social media apps one must have to be updated in this society really does eat up my storage and I’ve barely got the time to actually open them recently.

Videos of the girls and myself greet me as I open X. I scroll through tweets and it really warms my hard to see the edits, the messages, and the random thoughts of our BLOOMs. I always try my best to thank them for the support they’ve given us throughout the years.

Just as I was dozing off to sleep, I see a post about me. Nothing positive about it really. And as much as I try to think of this as constructive criticism, I can’t help but feel hurt by it. Maybe if they worded it differently, it would’ve been easier to accept it as such.

Usually, I’d try to get my mood up after seeing those that are hard to shrug off. Add the fact that I don’t usually go to sleep in such a bad mood.

But, after what we did today, my body really can’t do much anymore. My eyes were heavy and my body was feeling way too relaxed considering the fact that I’m still slightly awake. Next thing I know, I’m already at dreamland.

~~~

My alarm comes blaring to wake me up. I check the time. 4 AM. Mahaba na naman araw namin ngayon. Weirdly, today feels a lot heavier, I’m not going to lie. But I want to push through, I must have just slept too late.

Arriving in the studio, everyone seemed to be really jolly. It sorta lifted my mood to see everyone smiling about. I walk in our holding room to leave my stuff, just to see some of the girls there already. I walked to the couch near the corner of the room, plopped myself on it and closed my eyes.

Just as I was drifting away to sleep, a warm hand carefully touched my forehead. I slowly opened my eyes, “Ate Aiah, are you feeling ok?” Mikha’s worried expression was still clearly seen through my shades.

Involuntarily, I lean away from her touch — squeezing myself closer to the corner of the couch. I stayed silent, I didn’t know what to tell her. I looked down, the hood of my jacket almost blocking my view.

I saw her stand there in front of me for a couple of seconds before, “Mikha? Ikaw ba muna?”

She didn’t answer immediately, but eventually, “Yes po” she said and walked away.

With our first outfits for the MV, we’re just polishing the choreography for the song. One take per angle, that’s always the goal. That’s why we’re reviewing and polishing right now.

Multiple attempts to make me talk were made by the girls a while ago. Though it seems they’ve decided to let me be today. I’m just in over my head again, I think. Kailangan kong mag practice, I don’t want them to work overtime because I keep messing up.

The group choreography segment ended after a couple of takes per angle and camera movement. It was then time for individual parts.

I go back to the holding room to hide from the hustle and bustle of the set. Pinanonood din ng ibang girls yung shoot ng isa’t isa and usually, I’d be there pero may something talaga today.

Iniiwasan kong buksan ang phone ko. I can’t be too sure that what I’ll see won't affect my day. Prevention is better than cure, that’s what I always hear. At least, in this room, it’s just my thoughts that can bother me. Until a knock on the door proved otherwise.

“Hey, can I stay next to you?” Mikha asked gently, I nodded as a response.

She sat just a couple of inches away from me and I watched her intently. She went on her phone and immediately opened Netflix. That seems to be her new hobby these days.

I looked away from her but found myself staring at her through the mirror in front.

Oh how I wish I was as strong as you are, Mikha Lim.

“Sorry to ask. And if ayaw mo namang sagutin, you don’t have to. But, anong nakita mo kahapon?” I remained my gaze on her through the mirror without movement.

The tweet came to mind but I stayed silent.

How did she know?

Just then, she looked up from her phone, looking directly at me through the mirror.

Nagulat ako syempre, but the way her eyes gazed on me didn’t feel like they were to judge. Instead, they were there to comfort me.

I felt the tears well up from my eyes and saw that she placed the box of tissues between the both of us already.

Ganon ba ako kahalata para sayo? I know I shouldn’t be surprised. Siya parating kasama ko since SHA days, quite recently lang naman hindi kami close in public ‘cause some people are taking things to another level.

I felt her hands on my arms as she gently made my torso face her. Her eyebrows were together, her eyes pleading, “Hey, I know it’s a lot. There’s a lot people can say about you, most of whom don’t know you personally” she starts, bringing her hands to my wrists.

“That’s all they are, Ate Aiah. It’s hard to block them out, yes, but I admire you so much for staying here” my tear-filled eyes find hers.

“I may not be able to speak for them pero alam ko na nandito lang kami para sa iyo. And one thing’s for sure, I’ll be with you through everything that you’ll allow me to be” and that was the last draw, the tears came falling down, unable to stop.

You’ve been a constant positive in my life, Mikhaela Janna Lim. What great things have I done in my past life to deserve you to be in this one?