Chapter 2
mikha
I’m in our set monitoring the individual shoots when I feel something off. I looked around to see that Ate Aiah wasn’t monitoring with us. I sigh, recalling how I saw her this morning — oversized hoodie covering her shaded eyes squeezed in the furthest corner from the door. It was a drastic difference from how she usually was — comfy, welcoming, and quite bubbly.
Ate Aiah might be in her head again. I’m guessing she saw something negative about her last night. The countless mentions we get in social media don’t always lead to positive posts, you know? And you can’t exactly differentiate until you click and see them, some more appalling than others.
I noticed na kapag may nakikita siyang mga ganon, she does get affected — like any person would — and is able to shrug it off once she comes to terms with it. Eventually though, it all piles up, whether she’ll admit it or not, but she keeps it to herself and deals with it alone.
Mahirap makita, to be honest. She beats herself up and uses those as motivation. I mean ok, maybe it’s sorta good to keep her motivated but, even she’ll stand by the fact that there’s already enough reason to push ourselves to do our best. I doubt she realizes how far she’s taking it sometimes. Kaya naman, I worry about her a lot.
I know she can handle it, I know she knows her limits, I trust her on a lot of things — this, one of them. We leave her alone ‘cause we trust she’ll eventually figure herself out.
Kaya nga walang ibang nasa holding room ngayon, alam naman namin na kailangan niya rin ng alone time to process things. I’m sure everyone figured she was there and there’s five other members in front of her in the line. So, we’re giving her space.
But, kung napagdaanan mo ang napagdaanan namin, mahirap na pabayaan lang siya na may dinaramdam. And unfortunately, there have been way too many opportunities I wasn’t there for her.
Maybe I shouldn’t let this once be added to that list?
Should I? Would she hate me if I bothered her?
You won’t know if you don’t try, Mikha
~~~
“And one thing’s for sure, I’ll be with you through everything that you’ll allow me to be”
In more ways than one, Aiah.
Tears were falling down her face and I tried to dab the tissue on them before they ruin her make up.
I’m not usually sentimental, clingy, nor am I any good at comforting but I know that I should at least try to meet her where she is.
“I know that you want your alone time, and I trust you can handle yourself; but Ate Aiah, nasasaktan akong makita kang nasasaktan” now I’m the one trying to hold back the tears that are threatening to fall.
“And I know you’ll reach out to us when you’re comfortable enough to let us know but all I wish right now is to know if I can do anything about it” I look at how my hands are now holding hers.
The silence that followed was deafening, I didn’t know what to do besides rub the back of her hands with my thumbs.
“Mikha?” her soft voice called out, it sounded fragile and weak. I look at her intently, waiting for her next words.
“Do I really contribute something to BINI?” the shock came first, then my blood started to boil with the absurdity of that question.
“Of course! You’re our final piece — the piece of the puzzle that wouldn’t be completed until placed” I answered immediately.
“Everybody says that, pero ano ako para sa BINI, Mikha?” she asked back.
There are a lot of things I can tell you now to answer your question. But I doubt you’ll listen to them at the moment.
“I don’t think it’s about what you are for BINI but who BINI is because of you” I paused to give it much thought.
“BINI won’t be BINI if it weren’t for you, if it weren’t for us. Not the other way around, Ate Aiah” I try to explain.
“BINI is chaotic but calm, nonsensical but full of wisdom, and thought-provoking but comforting because of you — because of all of us” the way the tension from her eyebrows slowly disappeared gave me more confidence to say…
“You have become such an integral part of my life, Aiah. You’ve taught me patience, eloquence, and independence amongst all other things. I genuinely hope you know that” I grab a couple of tissues as my own waterfall of tears begins to run down.
“BINI wouldn’t be BINI if it weren’t for THE eight of us. Remember that you’re just as deserving to be here as any of us” I wrapped my arms around her torso, trying my best to hold her close, and hugged her as tight as what I think is comfortable for her.
“You deserve to be here, Aiah. You deserve to be with me” I whispered to her ear.
But that last bit was not supposed to slip out so I follow up with, “With us, you deserve to be with us”
Sana hindi nahalata.
I hugged her tighter, “Thank you for staying, Aiah” I whispered to her again.
I genuinely admire her for all that she is, was, and quite possibly, ever will be.
“Thank you rin, Mikha, for staying” she whispered back and tightened her hug.
We stayed like that until she let go first.
~~~
A couple weeks have passed since that day Ate Aiah and I had a heart to heart talk in the middle of an MV shoot. Crazy? I know. But, necessary.
We’ve got a dry run for the concert today kaya medyo kalmado — in a sense that we’ve only got this one going for us today.
Going through it was a lot lighter. The members were serious when they needed to be. At kapag break naman, makulit as usual. I sit on the stage, knees close to my chest, as I wait for our sound engineers to give us a go signal.
Looking at them, goofing around like kids, was heartwarming — di yan galing sa akin, walang snitch ah?
Now, Aiah is contributing to the rowdiness of the chipettes. Magulo, maingay, at puro tawa dahil sa kanila but it’s one of the sounds I deem as home.
In the midst of their game, she suddenly looked in my direction. Di ko man lang napansin na kanina ko pa siya tinititigan habang nakangiti. In my defense, sino namang hindi matutuwa? She’s come this far — we've come this far — and I know she’ll we'll continue to go further.
She looks back at them, says something, then makes her way towards me.
“Hi hi” I smile at her greeting, sitting down right next to me.
“Ang saya mo diyan ah? Liking what you see?” she asks, teasingly.
You or the chaos of fun you girls have going on?
“Of course I am. Ang ganda ganda kaya ng view” I look into her eyes. She pushes me away as she laughs.
“Mekaya ka ba?” she laughs after asking.
“I should be asking you that, Ate Aiah. Ano na naman pumasok sa isip mo ha?” I tease back.
Syempre di pwedeng magpapatalo ako.
“Wala” she says, trying to keep herself from smiling while looking at them playing around.
“Ang ganda ganda ng view ko kapag nakikita ko kayong masaya, Aiah” I try to clarify, di tayo pwedeng matimbog.
She hums to that as a response, leading to the comfortable silence that has enveloped us.
“Mikhs?” she says softly, looking at me.
I turn to her to show that I’m giving her my whole attention.
“You know you can trust me too, right?” she says, placing her hand on my knee.
I nod to that as I stare into her hand on my knee.
I don’t know if you know this but you and the girls have gotten me through such tough times.
“I trust you with all my heart, Aiah. All of you” I say.
“Good. ‘Cause you’re even more beautiful when you’re comfortably you, Mikhs” she says, and gives me a small smile.
“And even if the times get tough, we’ll be here for you too. I’ll be here”
That’s when I noticed how close we were at the moment. Our faces are probably two inches apart. Way to ruin the moment, brain.
My heart started going crazy ‘cause of the proximity and my mind is just blank.
“So will you let me?” is the next set of words I hear.
“Hm?” I respond, kasi naman wrong timing naman itong brain ko.
“I said, I may not know what time will bring for us. But, can I stay here next to you, Mikha? Physically and figuratively?” she smiles bigger, making my heart almost give me a heart attack.
The blood rushes to my face but I try to keep my composure, “of course, for as long as you allow me to do the same for you” I say and she nods as a response, her smile now brighter than a few seconds ago.
I gesture for her to bring it in, halata naman na gusto niya ng hug eh, kaya ako na nag initiate.
You’re always so beautiful — inside and out — Maraiah Queen Arceta. It’s one of the reasons why you’ve got their hearts, as well as mine, on the palm of your hands.