Chapter 1
-
Yongsun almost asks Wheein once.
It's when the two of them are laying down on the couch, watching some sort of variety show on the tv. It's when Yongsun's head is on Wheein's lap, and she's staring up at the younger girl, who stares at the TV, but doesn't really watch, eyes half glazed over with a sheen of thoughts unknown to the world.
Yongsun almost asks her, then.
(Is it true?)
She doesn't.
-
Byulyi had warned her. Yongsun can't say she hadn't been warned. Byulyi had made it clear from the very start— had in fact, grabbed her, held her by her elbows, and face to face, said to her in an almost harsh un-Byulyi-like tone, "Don't be stupid."
Yongsun had pushed her off, brushed it off and Byulyi had narrowed her eyes and glared at her for, like, half a second, before she regained her composure, and was back to being the easy-going, laid back, relaxed girl she was. As if she hadn't just looked at Yongsun as if Yongsun was crazy. As if she hadn't just stared at Yongsun as if she was afraid Yongsun was about to jump of the Empire State Building.
Though, being with Jung Wheein could probably be seen as something much more dangerous than that.
-
Yongsun traces a finger across the small scar that runs across Wheein's left palm. Besides the scar, her skin is almost unmarred, soft, white, almost like silk, unbelievable.
Yongsun traces a finger across the skin of Wheein's body, going over flesh, whipped-taught muscles, and narrow spaces between the slots of her elbows, knees, and jawline. Yongsun imagines bones filled with secrets beneath the open welcoming flesh.
Wheein stares at her, smiles, bright as morning, and Yongsun's fingertips feel warm.
-
Hyejin was next.
She had stopped Yongsun one day, when they passed by each other on the corridor, on the way to their respective rooms. Hyejin being Hyejin, she'd simply stopped right in front of Yongsun, disregarding the fact that Yongsun was her elder, and basically, like, boss or whatever, and stood her ground.
"Are the rumors true?" She'd asked.
Yongsun didn't need to ask which rumors. Besides that one time she puked during a training session, her track record when it came to the rumor mill was otherwise spotless. There was only one other rumor about her, and that was one which was completely true.
Yongsun nodded.
Hyejin's eyebrows had furrowed and she had wrinkled her nose. She was best friends with Wheein, but suddenly, she looked almost sorry. Her gaze was pitying.
She shook her head and took Yongsun's hand. "There are people who aren't meant to be loved, and there are people made to love. Just know that you're the latter, and she's the first."
Yongsun didn't understand back then. (She understands it more now, though.)
"Stay away, Yongsun-unnie. You don't know her, like i do."
Hyejin had let her go without waiting for a reply, spun on her heel, and left.
-
Yongsun places the plate filled with the food she's prepared down in front of Wheein. The younger girl giggles and eyes it with an eagerness that can only be attributed to the fact that she likes Yongsun, and therefore, likes anything from Yongsun.
Wheein digs in happily.
"It's great," she says, mouth full, still chewing on the beef.
Yongsun laughs and playfully swats her. "Manners," she says.
Wheein playfully sticks her tongue out.
-
There were days, in the start, when Yongsun had been careful. She wasn't entirely stupid, nor was she entirely naive. She admits, she could be both, but she wasn't completely either one.
Yongsun had skirted around Wheein, had in fact, watched the girl from afar, and contented herself with merely being a voyeur. Nothing more, nothing less.
When Wheein would flash her a grin, maybe even a playful wink, would accidentally bump into her when they passed by each other, Yongsun had simply given her a polite smile, ignored it, and gone on her way.
She'd heard the stories of course. She knew them. Everyone here did.
But that was at the start, when Yongsun was still cautious.
-
Yongsun isn't very cautious now. If her heart laying in Wheein's hands is any indication of her openness, then nothing is.
She likes it, watching Wheein grasp the concepts of Yongsun's somehow endless love for her. She likes it when Wheein would play with the love songs written on Yongsun's skin, would listen to the love letters on the tip of Yongsun's kisses, would outline the promises in Yongsun's eyes.
She bares herself for Wheein to know.
And, Wheein smiles. Gentle, summer, morning— and continues to explore.
-
Byulyi didn't approve. Even if she herself was great friends with Wheein, even better friends with Wheein then Yongsun had been in the beginning, she completely and absolutely was against the idea of them.
She had put her foot down from the start, and was not moving it anytime soon.
She treated them both nicely, normally, even. Byulyi never once mistreated Wheein during their practice sessions together, and they remained great friends still. But whenever Byulyi was with her, was with Yongsun, there were undertones of something else.
Something negative.
Yongsun could sense it in the way Byulyi would shake her head now and then, would look at Yongsun as if Yongsun was a child that did not know what right was from wrong, would click her tongue whenever Yongsun texted Wheein.
When Yongsun had confronted her about it, Byulyi had said something along the lines of, "There's a reason she's the best, Yongsun. And it's something you have to accept as the truth."
Yongsun had stared at her blankly, and Byulyi said the two words that were always on the tip of people's tongues when they talked about Wheein, "she's dangerous."
-
If Wheein is a danger, Yongsun has seen no signs of it.
Unlike a gun, maybe Wheein is something like a dagger, silent in its deadliness, pretty, thin enough not to be seen, and somehow quick and straight to the point. Maybe.
Yongsun isn't sure, because Wheein is anything but dangerous with her, or too her.
Sometimes, Yongsun can see shades of something else in Wheein's gaze. Sometimes, she can feel an underlying warning in Wheein's touches.
Sometimes.
Yongsun doesn't think of it, and Wheein smiles. Gentle, summer, and morning.
-
Hyejin was sitting next to Yongsun during a lunch break one time.
Hyejin was a younger year, way younger than Yongsun, but she plopped herself next to Yongsun as if they were of the same age, as if Yongsun wasn't her senior.
But perhaps, maybe that was why Hyejin and Wheein were best friends, because they were both unapologetic, frank, and quite frankly, shameless. Confidence basically went off in waves from their bodies.
"I thought you didn't like me," Yongsun had said.
"I like you," Hyejin was quick to correct her. "It's what you're doing that I don't agree with."
"You don't think I'm good enough for Wheein?" Yongsun asked.
Hyejin stared at her for, like, five seconds and then burst out laughing. "Nice joke." She calmed herself down after awhile. "I think you're good enough."
"What's the problem then?"
"I think you're good enough, but Wheein is bad enough."
"You're her friend and I don't understand what you're saying."
There was something solemn written in Hyejin's eyes. "You're a good person. Really good. Considering our line of work, that's rare. Wheein...she's, well, objectively, she's supposed to be good."
"She is," Yongsun said.
"Supposedly," Hyejin replied. "But, well, like I said before, you don't know her."
Yongsun furrowed her eyebrows. "Why does everyone say that? I think I know her more than any of you do!"
Hyejin sighed and patted her on the back, like she was a kid. "She's good at what she does, unnie. That should be enough of a clue for you. I've known her since before we went here, and before you even knew she existed. Trust me. I love her, would die for her even, but I would never expect the same from her. Get me?"
"No...?"
"You're good and if you know what's good for you, Wheein isn't one of them."
-
Yongsun has a wound. She had an accident today, and she is currently tending to it at home.
Or trying too.
It's kind of difficult when the wound is on her elbow and it's painful and she can't really see it.
Part of their training is first aid, but Yongsun is too blinded by the pain to think of any basics but try to locate the wound at the moment.
Wheein comes home to find her fiddling with the still bleeding wound. A variety of expressions flash by her face: curiosity, shock, worry, and then— "I'll get the kit." She disappears, then reappears, has bandaids, medicine, and for whatever purpose than her being the absolute sunshine she is, a lollipop.
She cleans the wound, "Stop moving, unnie!" and applies the bandage, "Just a little more, unnie."
When she's done, she kisses it, presses her lips in the gentlest manner that could only be described as the wind pushing the flowers, and hands Yongsun the lollipop.
"Take care of yourself more, unnie."
Yongsun is convinced that Wheein is good. Is not supposedly or objectively good.
She's good.
Wheein smiles at her — equal parts summer, flowers, sunlight, and mornings.
-
There was a job once, and that was maybe the one time Yongsun doubted herself. It was when President Park, South Korea's head, had become way too corrupt and was going to lead the nation into an anarchy. Not good.
Agents had been sent to stop her, to sterilize the situation, and pacify the relationships with China and Japan.
Wheein had been one of them. On the same day she went on the job, was the same day President Park's death was announced.
Wheein came home with a small patch of blood on her jeans.
-
Yongsun has never been afraid of Wheein, despite all the rumors and facts.
Wheein is so soft, gentle, and caring. Not loving, maybe not yet, but is far too kind to ever really be a threat to Yongsun.
Wheein is popular in their workplace, not only as a top agent, but as a friendly person. She has many friends, goes out a lot, people seek her out.
But they also skirt around her at times, they also whisper of her past, present, and future. They talk. They're afraid as well. ("They're smart," Byulyi had said, staring at Yongsun as if she was stupid. Maybe she is.)
Yongsun isn't. She covers Wheein with a blanket, since the younger girl has fallen asleep on the couch this time, exhausted from training.
She drops a kiss on Wheein's forehead and sees the girl's lips curve up. Wheein smiles in her sleep, and even if it's night time and there's an autumn chill in the air — Yongsun sees the sunlight and tastes the summer.
-
"She dreams like an angel," Yongsun had said once, to Hyejin. Byulyi didn't like hearing about Wheein, so Hyejin had become Yongsun's unwilling confidant.
"Like an angel?" Hyejin asked.
"Yeah, somewhat peaceful? Gentle and soft," Yongsun added.
Hyejin paused for a second, and then spoke, "Wheein once told me she never dreamt. That she stopped dreaming after she entered this place."
-
"What do you dream about?" Yongsun inquires, while she and Wheein watch the stars together one night.
Wheein closes her eyes and then opens them. She stares at Yongsun, and she looks almost sad, but at the same time as if she's given up.
"I don't."
-
(Yongsun's master at the academy had once told her during weapon's training,
"Fear the people with dark hearts, child."
"Why?"
"They have dark dreams."
"Are they the worst type of people?"
The master shook his head. "People with dark hearts have dark dreams."
He paused. "But... Those whose hearts are even darker can't dream at all.")
-
Yongsun and Wheein dance, they're a bit off beat, and the music is a slow song, and they're doing something that's kinda like the boogie, but it's fine. They're laughing their asses off, and Yongsun is happy, happy, happy.
Wheein's hair is flying as she dances and bounces and swings around, and she looks beautiful. Her eyes are filled with light and stars, and her laugh is the galaxy that so easily encompasses Yongsun's world.
Wheein twirls her away, and Yongsun allows herself to go with the flow.
And then Wheein is twirling her back, and Yongsun is suddenly in her arms, and they're face to face.
Time stops for Yongsun, and Wheein smiles — gentle, morning, and summer.
-
Byulyi had thrown Wheein's file down in front of Yongsun one time. It was thick, black, and obviously top secret. Way more high profile than any agent in the academy.
Yongsun had stared at it and then at Byulyi and had felt a type of anger rise up in her chest. Bile rose up her throat, and she almost cursed Byulyi out, almost threatened to—
But Byulyi had sat down in front of her, calm, cool, and collected. She opened the file. "Jung Wheein, twenty two years old, female, Korean. Agent 1 in KP academy, highly valuable asset, a member of Blackwatch— 206 kills, 402 missions completed—"
Yongsun had felt like vomiting.
She still refused to believe it.
-
Yongsun says it without thinking about it.
Wheein has that effect on her, tying her tongue, and mushing her thoughts together.
She blurts it out while they're walking in the park, holding hands, and watching the world around them.
"I love you."
There. Out in the air, free for anyone to catch, and if not caught, would easily fall on the ground and break into little fragments.
Wheein immediately stops and then looks at Yongsun. Yongsun's eyes widen, at the realization of what she has just said.
A moment of silence passes.
And Wheein suddenly smiles at her— the same glowing, morning, summer, gentle smile she's always given Yongsun.
But Yongsun sees a flash of something before that, something different. Something she's never seen before in Wheein's rainbow smiles.
There's a flash of something dull, gray, and a little dead inside.
("She's dangerous.")
-
Wheein's visits have become rarer ever since Yongsun's unplanned confession. It's not a rejection, she thinks, but it's also not an acceptance. Yongsun can feel her words, (I love you), still hanging in the air, dangling by a thread of hope, and waiting for Wheein to either take it or let it crash, and hoping that Wheein doesn't let it crash.
Yongsun blames herself. She should've not said it. She should've waited a bit more.
Through out this time, Byulyi gives her comforting words, and Hyejin gives her an "I told you so" look.
Yongsun refuses to back down. She believes in Wheein, must be the only one who ever really has, and will wait.
-
(Is it true?)
-
Wheein's texts are shorter now too. She barely visits, and barely texts. In the academy, she is nowhere to be seen, and Hyejin disappears with her.
They're probably hanging out.
She's probably avoiding Yongsun.
Yongsun still waits and looks for the girl with the orange hair and the smile that's colored in rainbows, and is gentle, summer, mornings.
-
Wheein's sent on a 4 month mission.
She doesn't say goodbye to Yongsun.
-
Hyejin stops Yongsun when they pass by each other in the hallway. It's somehow like their first meeting all over again.
"Wheein wanted me to give you something," Hyejin says.
Yongsun lights up like a Christmas tree. "What is it?"
It's been two months since Wheein's departure on the mission.
"This." Hyejin pulls out a lollipop from her pocket and hands it to her. "She stopped by yesterday, but had to go back again today."
Yongsun takes it, and thanks her. When Hyejin walks off, she stares at the lollipop. Wheein only gives her lollipops when she's hurt. Yongsun smiles, is equal parts elated, and confused.
-
Wheein comes back after a long time. Four months is a long time. During her lengthy mission, ten businessmen (corrupt) are announced dead.
Yongsun pretends not to know.
She spots Wheein in the corridor, leaning against the wall, and laughing with some of her friends.
It's a split second type of thing. Their eyes meet, and Wheein smiles. Rainbow colored, and the gentle, summer, mornings.
Yongsun's thread tightens. Hope is in her eyes once more.
-
Wheein visits her that night. There's a tentative knock on Yongsun's door, and when she opens it, it's Wheein.
Yongsun hugs her. "I've missed you," she says.
Wheein hugs her back. "I know."
-
They go back to normal, or whatever their version of normal is, she supposes.
But, there are a few changes.
-
Wheein does not touch her as much, and does not look at her love with wonder anymore. Instead, she seemingly skims over the affection and promises and love stories written on Yongsun's skin and eyes and lips.
And there is something in Wheein's eyes. Something Yongsun has never seen before. Something a little grayer than her rainbow colored smiles.
-
Their first argument is because Yongsun asks Wheein about her family.
Wheein had said no but Yongsun had insisted, and pushed and pushed and pushed. She likes to think she's special to Wheein, that surely, Wheein will let her in. It's how every story goes isn't it? The heart of ice melts from the warmth of love from another.
Wheein snaps instead. "You don't know me! Don't ask me that! Never ask me that!" Her voice is sharp, and strong.
Not the soft gentle one Yongsun has come to know. Not playful.
Yongsun recoils. "I thought- I just- I'm different, right?"
"You're nothing," Wheein says, simple and easy. Like it's not a lie. Like it's the truth. Saying these words come easier to her than any form of affection she's ever said to Yongsun.
Her words are like a knife - silent, sharp, deadly, well sheathed.
Yongsun winces, feels her heart break just a little, and feels the tears run down her face.
There is not a single look of remorse on Wheein's face, and she does not smile at all. Her expression is gray, and dark, and dead.
She turns around, and leaves.
-
("The thing about Wheein," Hyejin had said once, "is that if she was capable of loving, she wouldn't be so good at this.")
-
("— raised in Busan," Byulyi continued to read. "An only child. Family info is classified. She got into an accident when she was 7 years old, her brain got damaged. Something about her hypothalamus and emotions—" she closed the file. "See, she's—")
-
Yongsun wants to apologize, but for the first time ever, she's afraid.
She's afraid of Wheein.
She's scared witless. She passes by the younger girl, but she recoils immediately, and Wheein gives no indication she even saw her.
-
("I love you.")
-
They don't talk, and it seems like an eternity stretched out into infinity. In reality, it's only two weeks.
Yongsun stares at her whenever she's there. She watches how Wheein looks completely unaffected, laughing and doing her own thing.
She watches the rainbow colored smiles, with gentle, summer, mornings in them being directed at others as easily as they had showered Yongsun in the beginning.
She sees shades of grey in them, and layers of sharpness and bitterness in the curves and edges of it.
Yongsun feels the thread loosen.
-
They're in the practice room, just the two of them. It's an accident. Wheein is practicing, and yongsun had come in to work on some of her own fighting techniques.
Wheein stops and Yongsun stops and they stare at each other.
A silence is between them, heavy with confessions left unanswered, questions met with vile words, and mysteries yet to be solved.
"Hi," Yongsun says.
Wheein smiles at her. Rainbow colored, gentle, summer, mornings — and the same deadly gray under it's bright layers.
For the first time, Yongsun almost believes Byulyi and Hyejin.
-
They don't go back to what is normal between them, but the distance has been crossed in some way or another. They're friendly, but not exactly friends. Yongsun loves her still, but Wheein is still not accepting nor rejecting it.
It's complicated but simple at the same time.
"Push and pull is a tiring game," Yongsun says one day.
Wheein giggles and nods. "But being pushed and pulled is better than being pushed away completely or being pulled in into something dangerous."
Yongsun agrees.
-
"Will you ever love me?" It's a genuine question.
Yongsun still refuses to believe in what others say and the facts, and is still waiting.
The two of them are watching the lights in the New Years celebration (fireworks were illegal now), and they are holding hands.
Wheein loosens her hold and smiles, easily. It's rainbow colored, gentle, summer, mornings. And gray, sharp, and deadly all at the same time.
"I've tried." It's not an acceptance, and it's not a rejection, but it's an admission.
(I've tried.)
Yongsun feels the thread cut, her heart fall, at the same time the lights go off. She cries.
Wheein holds her, all the while, with her eyes closed.
-
("People with dark hearts have dark dreams. Those whose hearts are even darker can't dream at all.")
-
("There are people in this world not made to be loved, and people who are made to love. You're one of the latter and she's the first.")
-
(I love you.)
-
(I've tried.)
-
Perhaps, in her own way, Wheein had cared for Yongsun. She pushes and pulls because she likes Yongsun enough to keep her, but likes her enough to keep her away so she can be safe. From Wheein herself.
Byulyi and Hyejin are right, have always been right, but Yongsun isn't wrong either.
Because, if Wheein had had the capacity to love, she would have. Yongsun doesn't need to ask to know that.
-
Wheein disappears one day, from the academy. Hyejin and other students are grilled about her whereabouts. No one knows where she is.
Her files are missing too.
-
When Yongsun goes home, there's something waiting for her on the table. It's a letter and something else.
(I'm sorry I've hurt you. You'll heal. Take care of yourself, unnie.)
Next to the letter is a lollipop.
the end.