Eclipse

Deep in thought, Therese climbed up the stairs to the overpass. The train was still visible, its steely partitions glinting in the bright sunlight. Soon it would worm its way out of the station area and disappear in the distance. When she got into her car, she closed her eyes and stayed that way for a long time. Any other day she would have enjoyed the impeccable blue sky, relishing in its promise of a clear night for her and her telescope. This time, however, the gift of the cloudless heaven seemed dull and depressing.

What had transpired that morning and afternoon had had such a profound effect on Therese, it had seemed to rob the luster away from the things she normally took pleasure in. To experience the hours she had shared so intensely with Carol had rendered her listless and unwilling to enjoy what she now viewed as a mere substitute for something better.

Resigning to her fate, Therese started the engine. This, too, will pass, she mused. A serendipitous meeting with a stranger shouldn’t be blown out of proportion. She had errands to run, books to read, and photos to download, she reminded herself. So she had slipped her business card into Carol’s jacket pocket when they had been about to leave for the station, big deal. After all, she did owe Carol the same luxury she had taken a liberty with: knowing the full name of the person you had spent a night with.

When Therese got back home, she was displeased to hear two people talking in the kitchen. She had been counting on having the apartment all to herself while her roommates were on campus. What she discovered was even more unsettling.

“Hey, Teddy.” Jane turned around to smile at her. Embarrassed, Richard cast his eyes down and said nothing. “What have you been up to?” Her question wasn’t suspicious, only cautiously curious.

“Nothing.” Therese shuddered, thinking of what might have happened, had Jane come by earlier the day. It wasn’t like her at all to pop in uninvited. Not even her brother’s living in the same commune with Therese had gotten Jane to overstep the boundaries Therese’s moving out had set up.

Jane knew she had made a mistake and she had genuinely regretted it. “It didn’t mean anything,” she had told Therese repeatedly. “It was an awful, hurtful thing to do, and I wish I could take it back, but I can’t,” she had cried.

“Why did you do it then, if it didn’t mean anything?” Therese had questioned, once she had regained her faculties to ask anything at all.

Jane had remained quiet for a second as if pondering whether telling Therese the truth was really the right path to choose. “I guess on some level I wanted to shake things up, to rattle us… rattle myself to understand what was going on between us.” Jane had said. “But it wasn’t premeditated, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

They had fallen into a rut, Therese had agreed silently, and despite all her resentment, Jane’s abrupt sincerity had impressed her. She wasn’t a bad person, which made everything harder. How easy it would have been to dismiss Jane as someone who had wronged her, been nothing but intolerably cruel, but somehow, somewhere deep down, Therese knew she wasn’t all that blameless either. She may not have cheated on Jane, but she had been emotionally unavailable, drifting out of her reach. Why, Therese didn’t know. It had sneaked up on her without her noticing it, and it had driven Jane to commit a desperate act to get Therese to really understand the root of it.

It was easy to see, just how inconsequential Jane’s misstep was in itself. Therese knew Jane hadn’t cared about the other woman. She hadn’t played any part in Jane’s failed attempt at clarity. And maybe Therese could have even overlooked Jane’s deed in any other circumstances, but to stumble upon it in her own home had been much too much to swallow.

“Richard asked me to come,” Jane explained sheepishly. “I wouldn’t have otherwise.” She seemed distressed by Therese’s apparent unease at seeing her there.

Therese glanced at Richard who dodged her open scrutiny. He was never one to mind his own business, Therese mused, disappointed.

“Anyway, it’s nice to see you though you’re probably busy,” Jane continued, smiling uncertainly. “Oh, I brought you the new Astronomy magazine,” she said, pulling it out from her canvas bag. “I noticed there’s stuff on that solar eclipse in August.” She handed the glossy issue to Therese. “I remember you talking about it.” Therese was surprised Jane recalled something she had said almost three years ago. “You wanted us to go to see it…” The way she mentioned Therese’s former plan sounded like a humble question that demanded no immediate response.

“Thanks.” Confused, Therese flicked through the magazine. Even though the first total solar eclipse in 38 years in the U.S. was a huge deal, she had momentarily forgotten all about it. She had made plans to experience it to the fullest, to travel to the most beneficial spot on the continent to be awed by its rare totality. Therese yearned to witness the true celestial spectacle, the diamond ring, the sun’s glorious corona, the strange colors in the sky and the stars suddenly bright in the daytime.

“I’m gonna go now,” Jane decided. “If you’re not busy later on, I could cook for us.” Her words were seemingly light, hiding a fervent wish.

“Not tonight,” Therese said. “I’ve been thinking of going to see my folks.” It had been a while since she had last seen her family. “Maybe shoot some photos if the weather’s good.”

Sadness shadowed Jane’s face briefly. “Say hi to Bob and Rose for me…” she started cautiously, “…if you think it’s appropriate.” Jane knew how close Therese was with her parents and siblings, and what must have transpired after their separation. The expression on Therese’s face told Jane she wasn’t going to breathe a word about her lighthearted greeting to her family. “Have fun,” she wished, touching Therese’s arm lightly as she passed her by on her way to the door.

During the nearly two-hour-drive from Poughkeepsie to Scotch Plains, Therese had her cell phone on the passenger seat next to her. Glancing at it every so often, she flicked through radio channels from classic rock to R&B, pop and disco. The more contemporary hits got Therese to change the frequency more often than not, but when she stumbled upon a song she had thought of as the greatest irritant ever, she surprised herself by turning the volume way up. The temptation to belt out the giddy refrain along with the vocalist was just too obvious:

hey I just met you / and this is crazy / but here's my number / so call me maybe

Gesturing behind the steering wheel as jauntily as humanly possible, she let herself loose in the privacy of her beloved Jeep. The capricious melody thumping through the speakers, drawing silly parallels to the fix she imagined she was in, Therese sang her heart out. It felt good to goof around, to blow off steam, even if it made her foot a bit too heavy on the gas pedal.

Despite her riotous rendition, her phone remained stubbornly mute. This is crazy, Therese thought, gradually calming down. When the song flowed into oblivion, she was full of questions, things, she wished she had asked Carol, but now it was too late. How long had she been married? Did she have kids and if she did, how old were they? Was someone helping her through this trying time?

Then again Carol hadn’t notified anyone about her whereabouts last night. She had appeared detached, almost uprooted somehow, though it most likely had had to do with the grief of her husband’s passing. Still none of it had hidden the aspects of Carol’s character Therese had found most appealing – the warmth, the engaging curiosity, even the temper when Carol had been playfully appalled by what she had considered as Therese’s mistake in guessing her age.

Enraptured, Therese imagined the depths of Carol she would never know, the forces of her nature that would inevitably triumph once the heartache and the dolor had subsided. It was so easy for her to attach meanings to a complete stranger, to make bold assumptions that had nothing to do with anything tangible or real, Therese admitted. This is fantasy, she sighed, mere escapism – a means to distance myself from the gruesome facts of my sorry life. Nevertheless, the phone onthe seat kept haunting her.

“Hey, sweetie,” Rose said, hugging her daughter warmly thirty minutes later. “Are you hungry? We already had supper because Bob had to go help the boys with the flooring. I can fix you a plate though.” Therese sat down at the dinner table. She hadn’t eaten a thing since her breakfast with Carol. She was sorry to miss Bob and her brothers who usually hung around the house despite the apartment they now shared. She had been looking forward to their loud conversation and lame jokes to make her forget what she needed to put aside for now.

“Is everything alright?” Her mother asked, bringing over what was left of the pasta she had prepared. Standing next to her daughter, she laid her hand on Therese’s shoulder.

“Yeah, of course,” Therese lied. “I’m just tired.” She whirled her fork lazily around the spaghetti soaked in a sauce made with tomatoes, olives, capers and garlic.

“You’ve been terribly withdrawn lately,” Rose said pensively. “And you haven’t been around that much either.” Therese tasted the salty, tangy dish just to avoid answering right away. Rose let out a sorrowful sigh. “What’s going on, Therese?” She knew when her daughter was being purposefully evasive.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Therese muttered. “It’s nothing for you to be worried about. It’s… silly.” Silly was hardly the word for what was happening between her and Jane, but it was all she could come up with now.

“I’m not going to pester you into answering me,” Rose spoke quietly. “But I hope you know that I would never judge you. Even if I’d think you’d be better off not doing what you’re doing.” She sat next to Therese and pressed her hand on her arm. For a quick second, Therese remembered how she had held Carol’s hand for an entire hour in serene silence, how the simple connection had been enough to calm her fraught mind.

“Can I ask you something, Mom?” Therese mumbled, changing the subject. Rose nodded, taking a sip of her Earl Grey. “I have this friend who met a woman whose husband has just died.” She glanced at her mother apprehensively. Rose was paying attention.

“Is it a she or a he? This friend of yours?” Rose asked, looking intently at Therese.

“Oh, it’s a she,” Therese confirmed hastily. “Anyway, she thought they had a really nice time and now she’s wondering if she should get in touch with her again.” Needing a sudden distraction, Therese stuck a huge lump of pasta in her mouth.

“Did something happen between them?” Rose asked somewhat amused.

“Like what exactly?” Therese needed to specify, slightly flustered.

“Well, were they attracted to each other?” Rose elaborated, adding

more milk to her strong, black tea.

“Umm… she’s not sure,” Therese murmured, her mouth full.

“I’d have to say that I’d be very careful if I were… your friend,” Rose said. “While this woman may be a wonderful person and all, she’s going through a rough time. I know it from experience.” She was quiet for a while, recalling her own past. “When your father died so unexpectedly, I nearly went insane. You were the only thing that kept me grounded.” Listening to her mother, Therese felt suddenly forlorn although what Rose was saying was hardly a surprise for her.

“I did meet Bob quite early on, and I clung to him like a person who’s drowning.” Rose took Therese’s hand firmly into hers. “He saw that in me, and he knew that if he were to pursue me right away, he’d lose me in the end.” Her eyes moist, she gazed affectionately at her daughter. “I loved your father so much, and I have never stopped, but eventually I was able to make room for another love, for Bob.” Her eyes brightened, and seeing it warmed Therese’s heart. “If you have loved once, you will have the ability to do so again, no matter how torn apart your life may have become.” Rose addressed her words to Therese, and Therese knew it. “This woman you mentioned, she will do so as well, but not until she has joined the land of the living again.”

At night, Therese lay in her old bed in her old room. It hadn’t changed much since she had lived there, she thought, only the painted, white plaster walls once decked with posters were now barren. She had kept just one memento from her teenage years: a framed black and white photo of young Joan Jett wearing a SEX PISTOLS T-shirt, her right hand grabbing her crotch. A sly wink of an eye from an early rock idol, it had hung above Therese’s bed for as long as she could remember.

Poughkeepsie seemed far away in the suburban quiet, Manhattan too. Therese closed her eyes and slid into sleep like a child she once was.

Therese woke up to a hive of activity known as Bob. “Get up, you drowsy drone,” he grinned, pulling away the blanket his daughter was hiding under. “Yard work, now!” Yawning, Therese dragged her feet on the floor and stared ahead with unseeing eyes. Bob had returned home after Therese had already gone to bed, but the relatively short amount of rest hadn’t in any way cramped his style.

Therese spent the next two and a half hours outside, helping out with various chores and shooting the breeze with Bob. It didn’t occur to her to check her phone all that time, but when she popped into the kitchen for a drink, she remembered it again. Having told Jane about her visit, Therese didn’t expect to find any calls at all, but for her own peace of mind she had to run upstairs to make sure it was indeed so.

Three missed calls. All of them from the same anonymous number. Therese sat on the bed, her heart pounding in her chest. She would have to look it up before jumping into any hasty conclusions, she told herself, but her body couldn’t quite agree. Two minutes later her excitement reached a new high.

“Gotta go!” she shouted out to her parents’ astonishment. “I’ll call you later!” Having barely waved her goodbyes to Bob and Rose, Therese revved the Jeep’s engine the minute it hit the main road. She had thought about calling Carol back, but the need to see her in person proved too strong. If Carol wanted to thank her for her hospitality, she could very well do it face-to-face, she thought. And if that was all there was to it, she could still make this a memorable evening. The skies were clear, and she had her telescope with her.

When Therese got to the address she had memorized from Carol’s driver’s license, she was disheartened to find no one home. For the lack of anything better to do, she sat on the hood of her car and took out her phone. She dialed the number she now had and heard a faint buzzing sound close by. Therese turned around and a radiant smile spread on her face.

Carol’s place was stylish and fancy, but it lacked a certain lived-in feel to it, Therese thought. She wondered if the sadness she observed in the beautiful objects the living room had in abundance was truly real or just a reflection of her knowledge of Carol’s situation. Still, most of them seemed to have been bought for their aesthetic quality rather than for anything else. What was the purpose of a sextant if it belonged to someone who saw it merely as a decorative element? Then again Therese knew that most people viewed items of foregone eras that way, as deliberate pieces of interior design emptied of their original meaning.

Driving down, Therese had been undeniably nervous, but now that she was at Carol’s, she felt calm again. She felt confident enough to even flirt and tease a little. A part of Therese took a reverent step back and gawked in disbelief at just how cool and composed the rest of her managed to be.

It wasn’t anything unusual, the sudden duality she was experiencing. Most of the time it worked against her, reproaching her of stupidity and clumsiness, but now it seemed to side with what was good and worthy in her. Words and ideas came easily to her as if she had been formulating them in her mind for weeks. A win-win situation, Therese thought, remembering her telescope in the Jeep. A chance to show her what she missed last night.

The only time Therese felt uncomfortable occurred when her phone rang just before they were about to leave for Inwood Hill Park. Jane. Seeing her face and name appear on the screen affected her like an anchor wrapped around her ankles. It wanted to pull her down, all the way to the bottom of her inner sea.

A text message signaled its arrival with a brief flash on the muted cell while Carol was gathering her things for their outing.

Come by tonight? x J

Therese glanced at Carol’s bedroom before typing her reply.

I don’t think so. Still out of town.

Another message arrived right away.

You can come as late as you like.

Therese hesitated, not knowing what to do. She didn’t want to be rude, but neither did she know what to say in return. She slid the phone in her pocket.

The park was quiet with only a handful of other amateur astronomers present, Therese noticed. Not willing to engage in conversation, she opted to greet them from afar. Both Carol and she were also quiet, as if the sudden change in their landscape had somehow transformed them as well. Therese enjoyed the silence, for what she had in mind focused on wonder, not on words that too readily attempted to articulate the inarticulate. Therese enjoyed finding her companion so enthralled by what she witnessed, and it inspired Therese to see what was already familiar to her with fresh eyes.

The legends Therese had read and the myths she had heard about flowed effortlessly out of the nooks and crannies of her mind. She had never considered herself a good storyteller, but with Carol it seemed easy to be one.

In the car, on their way back home, Therese became aware of Carol’s shifting mood. She seemed nervous, jittery, and Therese wished to understand it. She was surprised when Carol asked her to stay for the night – surprised and all too willing to accept it. The words of her mother echoing in the back of her mind, Therese declined her offer.

She did have a class in the morning, but nothing would have kept her from skipping it, had she known it to be the right thing to do. Still, she wanted to do something, to express what rumbled inside her in some other way than just “I had a great time”. The urge to push over an invisible limit gaining momentum, she crossed her restless arms over her chest and took a step back instead.

Back in Poughkeepsie, Therese stopped at a red light. She felt foolish having to wait for her turn in the middle of the night with no other people in sight. Her permission finally granted, she drove along without noticing where she ended up at first. She had parked the Jeep in front of her former home. The light was still on in Jane’s apartment. She was waiting for Therese.

The needy and impatient wanted to get out of the car and walk in. The good and worthy turned the key in the ignition. Not tonight, Therese thought, glancing at the lit window. Besides, she had promised to send Carol a message from home. Her home.