Eclipse

The next morning Therese woke up to the sound of her cell phone. When she picked it up, the call was abruptly disconnected. Jane , she noticed drowsily. Before Therese had any time to wonder what had prompted Jane to do so, a text message announced its arrival.

 Look out the window xxx

Slowly, Therese got up and peeked out. Jane was standing on the other side of the street, hiding something behind her back. Instead of opening the window, she texted Jane.    

 Never pegged you for an early bird

It was only half past seven, and Therese had counted on an extra hour of sleep.

 I’m full of surprises

Therese lingered by the window, uncertain what she was supposed to do. Deciding, she sent her reply.

 I’ll come down. Give me ten

She took a quick shower and threw her clothes on. Waiting patiently, Jane sat on a bench. Her smile widened, seeing Therese cross the street and come to her. “Hey,” she said demurely. “I know you have a class in two hours but I wanted to give you a proper start for the day.” Jane handed Therese the item she had been careful not to show her before now. A single pale pink rose in a loose cellophane wrapping.

Therese was taken aback by her offering. “This is a first,” she mumbled, the corners of her mouth curving up to a disbelieving smile. It had been she who had courted Jane with flowers during their time together.

Jane’s smile was apologetic. “I promise it won’t be the last,” she spoke quietly. “And if it’s okay, I’d like to treat you to something else as well this morning… at my place.” Seeing the blunt surprise on Therese’s face, Jane hastened to continue. “I don’t mean sex!”she blurted out clumsily. “I don’t think we should have sex.” Therese’s features softened out of sheer amusement. “Not that I wouldn’t want to… I do want sex – with you, I mean,” Jane stammered. “But I’d rather we didn’t, for now. Not until we’ve figured this out.” She seemed out of breath, desperate to get her meaning across.

“Alright,” Therese said, willing to humor her. “I’m certainly intrigued,” she went on, tearing the rose out of its wrapping and sticking it playfully between her teeth. “Let’s go,” she mumbled between clenched teeth. It was very much like Therese to resort to silly antics to take the edge off of a potentially confusing situation.          

Driving to the address she had chosen not to visit the night before, Therese glanced at Jane sitting on the seat Carol had occupied less than ten hours ago. She wasn’t used to having Jane in the Jeep, though they had taken several road trips before. Their times on the road together amalgamated, merged into an unsettling mixture of everything that was both ecstatically happy and stupendously maddening.

The hours they had spent looking for a place to spend the night, to act on the urgent need they had unabashedly verbalized already miles and miles before the car came to a halt. The stretches of highways they had sped along, sulking and suffering in silence. It was all too real for Therese, but a part of her reminded her that it had indeed been real, not just some figment of her imagination.

Carol hadn’t replied to the late night’s message, and it bothered Therese. She had sent Carol the text she had requested, expecting to receive a reply, even if just a short one. Most likely Carol had been asleep, not noticing the message in the first place, Therese mused. Maybe she still hadn’t. Remembering her own excitement yesterday, and the way she had gushed over their surprise encounter became a source of anxiety for Therese now. What had happened to her sensible contemplation of Carol’s inner turmoil and how it was likely to affect all her actions? What had given her the bright idea to expect an answer for something so innocuous like a brief text sent in the dead of night? She had declined Carol’s kind offer to spend the night at her place, and somehow she had managed to read too much into it. Not everyone has a one-track mind like you do , Therese scolded herself, a nd certainly not a straight woman trying to get over the loss of her spouse .      

Jane opened the door of her apartment. She seemed shy suddenly. “What is… this?” Therese gasped, seeing what waited inside. The floor was dotted with numbered post-its with small objects in their immediate vicinity. A chalk line was drawn from one to another leading all the way to the other end of the living room.

“I had this ready last night,” Jane elaborated. “And I thought you should see it, to hear what I have to say.” The yellow sticker with #1 on it lay next to a green pick.

Recognizing the gem-toned plectrum immediately, Therese kneeled down to pick it up. “This is mine…” she muttered. “I thought I’d lost it.”

Jane smiled sheepishly. “I know. I swiped it,” she said meekly. “It was the first time I met you, after your gig…” she explained. “We were sitting at that table, talking, and you kept playing with it, turning it between your fingers.” Therese looked at Jane, astonished to hear her confession. “I thought you were the cutest thing ever, and I was so smitten right away,” Jane continued. “I shouldn’t have taken it, but I couldn’t help myself.”

Before Therese could utter a word, Jane whisked her away to the spot marked #2, a plain cardboard coaster with a brewery logo on it. It did have some indistinct scribbles on its flipside. Therese stared at them, nonplussed. “You probably don’t remember this,” Jane said, smiling sweetly. “You tried to demonstrate how we’re always at the center of the universe, no matter where we are…” Therese furrowed her brow, recalling it faintly. “Our first real date,” Jane clarified, “and I didn’t understand a damn thing about what you were saying, but it didn’t matter because you already made me feel like the center of your universe.”

Jane became quiet all of a sudden, but it didn’t last long enough to make Therese uncomfortable. What Jane said next did. “You were so brilliant in making me feel that way,” she said, her voice wavering. “So uncompromising in your attention, always willing to go the extra mile to impress me,” Jane continued. “I never needed that because you had me from the start. Even though I didn’t have you at the time…” She hesitated a second. “Had I known you were exhausting everything you had for me right off the bat, I’d have begged for you to slow down, to try less and just be with me, but you weren’t being honest…” Suddenly it was too difficult for Jane to go on. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do this like this ,” she mumbled her apology.

“Jane…” Therese started, shaken by what she had just heard. She felt a pang of guilt in her gut, brought on by Jane’s words that had hit a nerve. She had always been good with beginnings; she had thriven at them. But whenever faced with the question of longevity, of something being potentially perennial, the interest she had harbored at first had inevitably faded.

Therese knew what Jane was alluding to with her remarks about honesty. She hadn’t been free herself when she had met Jane, the reality of it having dawned on Jane only later when they had already gotten involved. Therese was ashamed of the way she had acted towards her previous lover, even if it had been just a prolonged ‘romp in the hay’.

“No, let me finish now that I started,” Jane interrupted, pulling herself together. “You were right to leave me after what I did to you,” she said emphatically, “but you’d already been looking for a way out before that. Maybe not consciously but still…” Jane picked up item #3. “Here, I bet you’ve wondered where you left this.” Therese did know the carmine red cotton scarf very well. “I’m officially pathetic,” Jane muttered. “I took it and I slept with it the entire year we were apart.”

Therese examined the scarf as if seeing it for the first time. “You’ve been busy… swiping my stuff,” she started, attempting to lighten up the mood. When she saw tears in Jane’s eyes, her puerile spirit withered away. “Jane…” Therese said again, her voice laced with regret, and she couldn’t help but take Jane in her arms and comfort her.

“I don’t know what you’re thinking or what’s really going on in your life,” Jane sobbed against her shoulder, “and I don’t want anyone else, least of all Richard, to tell me about it.” Therese felt Jane’s hot tears dribble over her jawline and down her neck. “But please, promise me you think about us. That’s all I’m asking – a fair chance.”

Holding the woman she had loved and still wasn’t indifferent about, Therese drew a deep sigh and closed her eyes. “Okay,” she said quietly. Even if what they had started again only a month ago wasn’t going to last, it was not yet quite finished either.                                   

The morning with Jane had rattled Therese. For the first time in a long while her feelings for Jane had amounted to more than mere anxiety and willful masochism. She had let their relationship be rekindled out of sick curiosity and pent-up sexual frustration, neither of which ever led to anything positive. Therese hadn’t taken into account that despite what had happened between them, Jane was still someone who deserved to be treated with respect; someone who was flawed just like she was.

“It’s like beating a dead horse,” Carly had argued with Therese, having heard about the current situation. “It’s never going to get back on its feet again, and you know it.” Therese felt guilty about not having levelled with Carly about the part she herself had played in the separation. She had confided in her sister only partially, telling about Jane’s betrayal yet conveniently leaving out her share, her lack of involvement in their joint effort to make the relationship work. Most likely it wouldn’t have mattered to Carly all that much, her being very black-and-white about certain things. Infidelity was a trigger big enough for Carly to make her ignore any attenuating circumstances.

Their relationship wasn’t going to get back on its feet, Therese realized. She hadn’t given the thought the time of day, thinking she could just breeze through what was just a sexual distraction for her. A distraction alright , Therese scoffed. It had distracted her from what she had once held beautiful and true and spiraled her into a frightening abyss of unresolved heartache.

After her classes she had called her mother and apologized for her hasty departure the day before. Rose had been very understanding, asking how her friend was doing. Therese’s answers had been curt, but deep inside she had wanted to tell her mother everything, and not just about Carol but about Jane as well, of the way she herself had been barely treading water all past year. She would have to talk to Jane soon, to own up to her share of their failure as a couple.

Therese thought of Carol, and as much as she tried to separate Carol’s importance from her own need for a serious conversation with Jane, she couldn’t make the distinction. Everything got hopelessly muddled in her head, the steps ahead she desired to take with Carol – the standstill and eventual closure she needed with Jane.

When Therese went to bed that night, Carol’s silence perturbed her once more. I am imagining things , Therese mused, depressed. I’ve been so out of touch with reality, my gaydar needs recalibrating .    

Wednesday morning didn’t look promising. The observatory would undoubtedly be closed for the public. Second week in a row , Therese mused. The dark clouds moved across the sky, conglomerating into heavy clusters of rain. Stalking the innocent bystanders, they seemed to be only waiting for the most inopportune time to pour down on them. Just when it looked like that Therese’s view of the world couldn’t ever get better again, her phone beeped a message.

 What time’s the show tonight? Thought I’d catch it. - C

The simple ‘C’ in the end made Therese’s stomach flip. She dialed Carol’s number right away. Calm the fuck down , she told herself, waiting for the call to be picked up.

Less than ten minutes later she had a date with Carol for the same evening. Not a date exactly , Therese reminded herself. Don’t get carried away . She changed her clothes hastily only to rethink her outfit again – lose the cargo pants, put on the skinny jeans, maybe a white shirt and a vest… who the fuck do you think you are – Ellen Degeneres? She chose a white t-shirt, a black leather jacket and matching lace-up boots instead. Therese couldn’t sit on her hands for a minute longer, so she decided to head on the road at once. She could always drop by at Carly’s shop if she had extra time to kill.

“How’s my favorite little sister doin’?” Carly shouted out as Therese entered her quaint little flower boutique in Chelsea.

“Your only sister is doin’ damn fine,” Therese retorted. She was in a great mood, which Carly picked up on right away.

“Look at you,” she grinned her approval. “All dressed up… what’s cooking, biker babe? Hot date tonight?” The backroom of Carly’s shop looked as if a veritable flower bomb had exploded there only a short while ago.

“Nah, just meeting a friend,” Therese mumbled, blushing involuntarily.

“Yeah, right!” Carly laughed, pleasantly surprised. “C’mon, spill! Your tired, domesticated sister needs to live through you.”

Therese drew an amused breath, raising her eyebrows for a sign of surrender. “I met this woman, and she spent a night at my place, and…” She was interrupted instantaneously.

“Teddy! I know you’re fast but I didn’t realize you’re that   fast,” Carly chuckled, rolling her eyes at her sister.

“It wasn’t like that,” Therese hastened to correct. “We didn’t… fuck, we just literally slept together.” Her defensiveness got Carly even more curious.

“Would you have wanted to?” Carly asked, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

“That’s beside the point,” Therese replied, dodging her blatant query. “She just lost her husband, and even though we kinda clicked, I’m sure there’s nothing more to it.”

Carly put down her scissors and looked at Therese from head to toe. “Yet here you are, looking like a million bucks…” Carly stated, winking at her. “Lie to yourself all you want, but don’t insult my intelligence, darling.” She glanced at Therese one more time. “Although you’re not convincing yourself either, are you?”

Embarrassed, Therese shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know…” She might as well come clean about it, she thought.

“This is good,” Carly encouraged, nodding her head. “I’m happy you’ve pulled your head out of your ass with that deceitful bitch…” she continued, stopping only because of the look on Therese’s face. “Come on! You’ve got to be kidding! Is it still going on?” she questioned, visibly peeved.

“I’m going to deal with it… soon,” Therese explained. “It’s not as simple as you think…” Again, she wasn’t allowed to finish.

“It is simple,” Carly kept on going, her face suddenly very serious. “You tell Jane ‘it’s over’, and it’s – tada! – over. For good.” She scoffed, but chose not to articulate her frustration any further. Instead she focused her attention on the cut flowers scattered everywhere. “I fucking despise people who can’t make up their minds whether they’re getting married or not,” she complained. “I get paid either way, but I hate to throw all these away just because I can’t really use them now…”

The abundance of flowers was startling, the iridescent mounds of blooms shooting out from the prickly bed of green stems. Sighing, Carly picked up a wide box and started shoving the greenery in. “I guess I’ll get these to Mom,” she said after a while. “Unless…” A light bulb went off in her head. “Unless you take these to your lady friend,” Carly completed her thought to Therese. Her smile was both devious and conspiratorial.

“I’m not sure if it’s a good idea,” Therese hesitated, her face warming up once more.

“Are you crazy? It’s a brilliant idea!” Carly exclaimed. “You’re not just giving her flowers, you’re giving her a shitload of flowers!” she giggled. Carly’s bedside manner as a florist left sometimes a lot to be desired, Therese thought. “And if she seems uncomfortable or something, just downplay it, tell her I was going to throw them out anyway.”

Therese found sense in what Carly was saying. She could easily explain them away, were Carol to be disturbed by such floral excess. “Well, okay,” she relented. “I suppose I could do that.”  Little did she know that it was she herself who needed to make an excuse for them only a half an hour later.

Therese was indescribably happy to be back at Carol’s. At times she caught herself babbling enthusiastically, volunteering information and answering Carol’s questions about her parents and siblings. She feared she was making a fool of herself, talking too much and showing off her skill with cut flowers of all things, but every time she caught Carol’s eyes, they were brimming with warm curiosity. Even when Therese was mortified by her careless quip about lifespan, Carol didn’t seem to mind it at all. In fact, she welcomed everything Therese said, which made Therese even bolder than what she had been feeling up till that moment.

Therese enjoyed herself in Carol’s company, feeling both relaxed and energized at the same time. She wanted to show Carol what she was made of, where she came from, and who were the people that had been so vital to her. It was a mad idea, Therese mused, an utterly, inexplicably crazy whim, but the more she thought about it, the less restrained she was with what she would have thought proper in any other circumstances. Maybe it was the flowers, their heady perfume shortening serious distances into giddy leaps of faith, which prompted Therese to take Carol to New Jersey, to her childhood home.

Therese didn’t know a thing about Carol’s background, of where she came from, but it didn’t matter to her. The suburban house wasn’t much to look at, but what waited inside was worth the trip, Therese trusted. This was an entry Carol didn’t have on her date book, she thought, hoping she could fill those blank pages with joys and wonders Carol hadn’t even imagined.  

The way Bob was fussing over Carol made Therese smile so that her cheeks hurt, but even more than that she was elated to see how at ease Carol managed to remain under his excessive yet good-humored scrutiny. Even the prospect of having to go to listen to Bob and the boys play covers at some random roadside bar didn’t seem to bother Carol. Therese looked at her, catching her eyes every now and then. Carol’s smile was amused, but not in a belittling way. No, she appeared pleasantly surprised, happily whisked away from any sorrow that must have gnawed on her for months now, Therese mused.

Only her brothers were teasing her about Carol as if she was a girlfriend Therese had just brought in to meet the family. Mother was quick to avert their guest’s attention elsewhere, Therese noted. Rose took Carol to the kitchen, and even though Therese was dying to know what they were talking about, she was grateful for her mother’s sharp interference.

“What a great gal!” Bob extolled, hooking Therese in a tight embrace with his meaty right arm. “You, Theodore, have inherited my great taste in women.” He wouldn’t let go off Therese who was trying to catch enough breath to answer him.

“Keep it down, goddammit!” she hissed at Bob, although her eyes were sparkling of laughter. “We’re not… you know,” she acquiesced to say.

“I can see why you left so abruptly the other day,” Bob said, ignoring Therese’s objections. “Had I come across a woman like that, I would have abandoned everything the minute she’d called me,” he went on. “Come to think of it… I did,” he grinned at Therese.

“Please, Bob, no funny business during the gig,” Therese appealed to him, growing serious. Knowing all too well the heights of his occasional exuberance, she had to rein him in. The last thing Therese needed was her fragile relationship with Carol to be made a spectacle of any kind between songs.

“Really, Theodore? Whatever do you mean?” Bob winked at her. Shaking her head, Therese couldn’t help but fear the worst.

Afterwards Therese didn’t remember too much about the dinner, not of the food eaten any way. She knew she was shoving something in her mouth, going through the motions. To have Carol sit so close by that she nearly pressed against Therese’ side rendered her helpless to understand what was happening around the table.

She caught a whiff of Carol’s fragrance, and it sent tremors along her spine, swooshing through her nerve ends and shooting out of her fingertips as she tried to hold on to her knife and fork. She heard the clang of her spoon as it hit the wooden floor board, but it seemed to emanate from far away, from the bottom of some infinite chasm where her hopes and dreams lay still like thick, cumbersome coins in a wishing well. When she dropped down to pick it up, her arm tingled of sudden contact with Carol’s leg.  

The Crossroads was the same as always, a sympathetic if somewhat weather-beaten dive for talents the rest of America didn’t care to hear about. Therese had played there several times, mostly to half-empty houses, which hadn’t reduced her pleasure of performing one bit. She wondered what Carol might have thought of her, seeing her on stage. She was glad she wasn’t there now, Therese thought, sipping the beer Carol had brought her.  

When the band started to perform, it got claustrophobic inside the stuffy showroom. Therese noticed what she thought was a frightened look in Carol’s eyes, and she knew instinctively what her role should be. Therese was all too familiar with the drunken patrons of this place, how reckless and brash they could get with the beer they kept inadvertently spilling around. She would shield Carol, Therese decided, keep her out of harm’s way.  

Papa and The Boys opened with Stay the Night . Therese recognized it at once, but even though she knew the lyrics by heart, she wasn’t at all prepared to see the effect the song’s explicit message had on Carol.

 I want you to know one thing is certain

I truly love your company

Carol seemed troubled, dodging Therese’s eyes even though Therese tried desperately to signal her that everything was good.

 I won't take no if that's you answer

At least, that's my philosophy

Casting her eyes down, Therese suppressed a smile. Well, those lines are hardly helpful. But she wasn’t going to let Carol suffer for any reason, she decided. Therese attempted to make small talk over the roar of the music and the wallowing mass, but her efforts fell short. Carol simply couldn’t hear what she was saying.

Then Bob went ahead and did the one thing she had particularly asked him not to do. For fuck’s sake , Therese cursed, closing her eyes in embarrassment. She was sure Carol would ignore her, keep her eyes glued to the stage. Therese was fine with it. It would save her the trouble of humiliating herself.

But Carol did turn to look at her, to see what Therese was going to do about what Bob had just said. Therese was stunned to see that Carol wanted her to ask her. She was almost sure of it. Despite the look that resembled an invitation, the confidence Therese had exuded so many times in Carol’s presence whizzed out of her like a deflating balloon.  Still, Therese couldn’t escape her challenge. Not anymore.

 And I want you here with me / From tonight until the end of time

Holding her breath, Therese pressed Carol firmly against herself on the dance floor to savor every touch, every move in sync. The way Carol’s hand traversed her back slowly, scavenging it for a caress, was enough to electrify, to bring back from the dead, she thought. Their cheeks burning against each other, the shiny atoms of life unmined only a heartbeat ago became formidable, ubiquitous. A single moment, a dense point in what was once void, triggers an entire universe , Therese mused. This is how everything began, and how everything still begins .  

 You should know / Everywhere I go

Always on my mind

In my heart

In my soul

Therese knew what she longed for before the song ended. They said goodbye to Rose who looked at her daughter but didn’t utter a word. She didn’t have to, but she hoped for the best.