Pope could feel himself on the path to nursing a migraine and it wasn’t even three am yet.
He glanced down at his cup, a suspiciously carmine liquid staring back at him, almost provokingly. Pope could feel the smell of it mixing with the reek of sweat, beer and weed that already intoxicated the beach — it didn’t matter how many parties he went to, he would never grow used to that smell on his beach.
“What is up with you tonight?”
Pope looked up only to find John B, forehead glistening with sweat and a wide, idiotic grin stretched on his face. He looked more than a little tipsy, cup half-full with the same suspicious liquid Pope had on his, and shirt unsurprisingly absent.
“Nothin’”, answered Pope dryly.
“Why aren’t you enjoying the party? It’s so fun, man!”, said John B, voice loud even with all the yells and blasting music.
“It’s great”, lied Pope. “I’m having a lot of fun, don’t worry about it”
John B’s mouth shaped a perfect O, as his eyes widened in understanding. Jesus, how much did he drink?
“Aw, man! You’re upset ‘cause Kie left us in the middle of the conversation, right? To make out with that guy?”
Pope gritted his teeth, face heating up. When John B said it like that, he made it seem like Pope was some kind of infatuated third-grader, sulking because his crush kissed someone else. In reality, it was... surely much deeper than that.
“Don’t worry about it, John B”, he said, smiling in a way he hoped was reassuringly.
John B didn’t seem to buy it, a crease forming between his brows. He patted Pope firmly in the shoulder as he announced loudly,
“I’m gonna get JJ. Don’t move”
He desappeared before Pope had a chance to protest, being swallowed by the crowd. He sighed, resting his head on the tree that had been supporting his weight for the past twenty minutes, trying not to dwell on how pathetic he looked, nor on how handsome the guy Kie had left with was — all muscles, smooth skin, bright smile...
“John B says you’re depressed”
JJ’s not-so-quiet voice ripped Pope out of his mourning immediately. He was standing a few feet away, looking a little better for wear than John B had, but not by much. He had a cup in each hand, tank-top surprisingly intact on his torso as he shot Pope a lopsided grin that gave away the fact that he had definitely smoked something.
“I’m not depressed”, scoffed Pope, casting a wary look to the cup JJ offered him, the smell burning his nostrils. “God, JJ, what did you put in here?”
JJ offered a mischievous smile.
“Just drink, man”, he said with a wink. “You’ll feel better afterwards, I promise”
Pope took another look to the drink. His mind flashed to Kiara, looking almost giddy as she let herself be led out of the party by that guy’s hand — then, he downed a generous gulp at once. It burned its way from his throat to his core, leaving behind a trail of uncomfortable drouth. He could hear JJ cheering in the background.
“That’s my boy!”, he yelled happily.
Pope couldn’t help but smile back, before a coughing fit overcame him as if the dryness on his throat finally realized it was supposed to make him choke. There were tears in his eyes and he could feel JJ’s heavy hand lightly tapping his back.
“Easy, easy. Jesus, Pope, it’s like you’ve never drunk before!”
“I’ve— never drunken this shitty drink”, wheezed Pope. JJ let out an indignant squeal.
“It’s not shitty”, he said in a huff, but didn’t elaborate. “Now, why don’t you stop sulking over Kie and come enjoy this awesome party?”
Pope shifted, neck growing uncomfortably hot.
“Look, man, I don’t know what John B told you—“
“He didn’t tell me anything”, interrupted JJ, staring at Pope with a newfound curiosity. “I figured it out”
Now, that was just great. Pope adverted his gaze, decidedly uneasy now. He didn’t like the thought of them knowing he liked Kie like that — if JJ had figured it out, what stopped Kiara from being the next one?
That line of thought brought a string of anxiety to Pope’s stomach, so he downed another gulp of the drink, ignoring the way it made his already raw throat sting.
“It’s alright, man”, said JJ, clapping Pope’s back in reassurance. “We all have a thing for her... Yours is just, I don’t know, stronger?”
“It’s— It’s not like that, alright?”, said Pope feebly.
“How’s it, then?”, asked JJ, handling the matter way too nonchalantly, if you asked him.
Pope hesitated, but only for a moment. He could feel all of his defenses crumbling down as the alcohol took its tool on him, everything he had kept bottled up for the past six months or so spilling out of his numb lips.
“She’s... She’s just so nice. And she’s beautiful, man. Like, really beautiful. But she... I don’t think she likes me back”, admitted him.
JJ hummed, understanding. Although anticlimactic, it felt good saying those things aloud — it could be the drink, but Pope already felt more at ease. Then, JJ snapped his fingers like he’d just had an idea.
“I know what you gotta do”, he said, triumphant. “You gotta make out with someone too!”
And, just like that, the dread was back to Pope’s core.
“Absolutely not!”
“Why not? You never make out with anyone!”, said JJ accusingly.
“That’s ‘cause I don’t want to!”, said Pope, feeling stupidly self-conscious. “I don’t wanna just kiss anybody!”
“It’s not gonna be just anybody. You could get a really, really hot girl”
“I’d still don’t know her”, insisted Pope.
JJ rolled his eyes derisively, scoffing,
“Bro, is this like your first kiss or something?”
There were few things in Pope’s life that were as humiliating as watching realization struck JJ’s face when Pope failed to answer, eyes widening ever-so slightly as he realized that his friend was more of a virgin than he’d thought.
“Pope”, said him, looking torn between shock and amusement. “Did you not have your first kiss?”
If Pope could die in that moment, he would have. Or, at least, dug his way through the sand to somewhere far away, where he wouldn’t have had to deal with that situation. Instead, with his face flaming, he said,
“Don’t tell the others. Please”
“Tell the others? I’m not gonna do that to you, man!”, said JJ, looking almost offended. “And I’m not gonna make fun of you”
Pope shot him an incredulous look.
“Well, maybe just a little bit”, he conceded. “But, man! This is, like, huge! You have to have your first kiss tonight!
“Why tonight?”, asked Pope tiredly.
“Because Kie is making out with someone, like, right now. And you’re not going to spend the rest of your night sitting on the sand, being depressing. You’re going to have your first kiss!”
JJ’s eyes were glistening so much that Pope couldn’t help but rub off on that excitement. He liked having JJ happy like this — it was so much better than his moody, irritable version of when he went home to his dad.
“So”, he said, rubbing his hands together like a child coming up with a plan. “Who’s it gonna be? There’s this girl from my Calculus class, Jenna T, that’s a total babe. Pretty, nice — the whole package. Plus, she let’s me cheat off her”
Pope actually took some time to consider this. He could just go there and kiss Jenna T, whoever she was. It wouldn’t have to mean anything and, more importantly, no one would have to know. However, the mere thought of kissing someone random, someone he didn’t even know, sent an unpleasant shiver down Pope’s back.
“I don’t wanna kiss just anyone”, he repeated, praying that JJ didn’t insist.
He didn’t, but he looked very much disappointed, shoulders sagging and a pout that was so cartoonish that it would have made Pope laugh, have the situation not been so tragic.
“Aw, man”, sighed JJ. “I wanted to find someone. But you want it to be... Special, or whatever. I get it”
Just as Pope was about to comment how that made him sound like a seven-year-old princess, JJ straightened up abruptly, an expression that bordered beaming, looking as if he’d just had a brilliant idea, which was a dangerous expression for JJ to have.
“Dude”, he said breathlessly. “I know who you’re gonna kiss”
“Who?”, asked Pope warily.
“Me”, said JJ, smiling so widely it looked like his face would split into two.
There was a beat of silence so intense, Pope was sure his ears had defeated from the shock. What?
“What?”, he crooked weakly.
“Yeah, that’s right!”, said JJ excitedly. How drunk is he?, wondered Pope, something close to panicking. How drunk am I?“‘Cause I’m your friend, so I love you. That’s kind of special, right?”
It makes sense, Pope’s drunken mind offered. He looked at JJ, properly, for the first time in the whole conversation — on the poor lightening, his sun-beaten skin looked smooth, his sandy hair curling at the tips like it always did when JJ didn’t brush it. His lips looked soft, inviting, bright pink against his face. His eyes were huge, the blue almost invisible with his pupils dilated and Pope was forcefully reminded that JJ was high.
“I’m not— I don’t like boys”, was the only response Pope could think of.
JJ shrugged casually.
“I don’t, either. But this ain’t about being gay — it’s about your first kiss being special, man! C’mon, you’re already sixteen! You really gonna wait your whole life?”
Pope could feel his resolve crumble, drunken mind slowly catching up to the fact that he was about to kiss JJ Maybank, problem boy of Outer Banks. Boy, if his father could see him now.
“Yeah... Yeah. Alright”, said Pope slowly. His mouth was suddenly dry, a feeling that was both numb and expectant growing inside of him. “I don’t know how, though”
“Don’t worry ‘bout it”, reassured JJ. He licked his lips, and Pope could feel himself follow the movement.
There was a moment when neither of them moved, and Pope was beginning to think that he might give up. But then, with a light scoff, JJ moved forward, cupping Pope’s face with one hand and pressing his lips against his. For a whole, undeniable second, Pope’s mind stopped working completely.
When it finally caught up, JJ’s other hand was on his waist, pulling him closer. Pope hovered with his hands a bit, unsure where to place them, finally settling gingerly on JJ’s shoulders. Pope felt a little awkward, feeling as if he was doing an extremely bad job in comparison to JJ, who kissed with passion and expertise. No wonder so many girls want to kiss him, thought Pope ashamedly as he let out a content sigh when JJ’s grip tightened on his hip.
Then, it was over. Pope felt dizzy and bashful, feeling a bit envious of how nonchalant JJ looked, grinning easily as he stepped away from Pope, tapping him appreciatively on the cheeks.
“That wasn’t bad!”, he exclaimed. His lips were swollen, noticed Pope, which he shouldn’t have.
“It— wasn’t?”, said him feebly. His legs felt shaky underneath him, like his knees might buckle at any given second.
“No!”, said JJ, smiling. “Sure, you still have to practice a bit... Maybe put your hands on the waist? Or the neck, I don’t know. And, dude, you’ve gotta be less tense next time, but it was really good for a first”
“Yeah...”, said Pope hoarsely, attempting a smile. Next time, JJ had said. Next time, next time, next time— “Yeah, thanks, man”
“No problem, bro”, said JJ as he shrugged his shoulders, like it was no big deal.
It wasn’t, for him, thought Pope, with a sudden malaise. Kiara crossed his mind, making panic swell at his throat — she couldn’t find out about that.
“JJ”, called Pope. “You... You can’t tell anyone ‘bout this, okay?”
JJ’s eyebrows knitted together tightly, smiling dimming down. Pope realized how he must have sounded like with a prickle of guilt — ashamed. Aren’t you, tho?, asked a voice that sounded suspiciously like his father’s.
“Alright, dude. Whatever”, scoffed JJ, swatting his arm as if trying to get rid of a particularly annoying fly. “I’m gonna go back to the party. See ya later”
As he watched JJ disappear within the crowd, Pope felt a queasy mixture of despair and relief. The feeling of JJ’s lips on his still lingered and Pope felt very see-through in that moment, feelings laid out for everyone to see. He really wanted to go home all of a sudden.
On their own accord, his feet took him away from the party until the music was a mere echo on Pope’s ears. The air was stuffy, sweat prickling uncomfortably on his skin, and Pope wished he could be inside John B’s van with air-conditioner puffing cold air onto his face — but he knew he wasn’t sober enough to drive, nor able to face John B and ask him for a ride home in that moment. Which left him with walking.
Pope would usually enjoy this kind of quietude — he wasn’t like John B, who seemed to loathe the very idea of being alone. He liked to spend some quality time with himself, organizing his thoughts. That night, however, it was only an opportunity for that kiss with JJ to replay over and over Pope’s mind, each time more romanticized than the other (it got to the point when Pope wasn’t even sure what had really happened — had JJ’s eyes really glistened under the moonlight or was it just his imagination?)
“Fuck”, he said suddenly, the word foreign on his mouth. So far into the quiet, the high of the party and the buzz of the drinking had started to dim down, the reality of what he’d done crashing into him like a ball he didn’t see coming — fast, hard and painful.
He had kissed a boy, had kissed his best friend. What would his father say when he found out? What would Kiara say? Pope felt regret and shame burn into his stomach along with that all too familiar anxiety. God, what had he done? He’d lost his first kiss to a boy, to JJ, and he’d liked it. He’d shivered under JJ’s tight grip, liked the feeling of his skin under Pope’s fingertips; he regretted not touching JJ’s hair, not knowing what it felt like.
That thought made his throat tight, breath suddenly difficult. He... He wasn’t like that, he didn’t like boys. He just hadn’t had the chance to be with a girl yet, that was all. Besides, JJ had started it, thought Pope methodically. Did that mean JJ liked boys?The wonder brought a weird, fluttering sensation to his stomach that he couldn’t quite tell if it was positive or negative.
He had been so encompassed on his thoughts that Pope was actually surprised when he caught sight of his house. A feeling of dread came over him, and Pope half-expected to find his parents sitting on the living room, waiting for him with anger and hurtfulness. All he found, however, was an empty house. Obviously, thought Pope, ignoring the sense of relief he got, they’re sleeping.
Falling asleep was a harder process than Pope hoped it would be — he laid down, still on his clothes, staring at the ceiling. He though about Kiara, laughing beautifully as water slid beneath her skin, hair cascading on her naked back. She looked soft and happy and gorgeous.
In most nights, that thought would be enough for him to fall asleep. On that one, Pope drifted off to the sight of JJ’s bright smile and his eyes that might or might-not be glistening under the moonlight.