Chapter 1
I hate myself.
These are the words that fill Shuhua's mind as she closes the door behind her. Everyone would be surprise if they knew that for maybe the first time since they know Shuhua that the girl is not thinking about a certain someone. Well, it is related to that person. Seo Soojin. The one and only.
See, the problem is that Shuhua can't hide her feelings. She can't hide when she's sad or happy, even more when she loves someone. Or at least this what she tought until she met Soojin. At the beginning, Shuhua wouldn't hide how much she likes the older girl, always showering her with affection. But, for a while now, things changed. Shuhua found herself more closed off and hiding more her emotions.
That's exactly why she's seating on the sand of some beach she can't think the name of with her head on her hands, after running like she was being chased. She's crying after smiling to the girl she loves. Shuhua's feel the weight of lying to Soojin but what was she supposed to do when the older girl was so excited about her date? Maybe if Shuhua asked her to not go, to stay with her, to hold her, Soojin wouldn't go. Shuhua couldn't bring herself to do it though. Shuhua, who always asked Soojin to hug her, to give her a kiss, to sleep with her, couldn't bring herself to ask Soojin to not go on a date.
God, I really hate myself.
She looks up to the grey sky and then to the ocean and it looked like it was angry. It's summer and still it looked like a storm was coming. Shuhua chuckled because of the irony. Shuhua who was always associated with laughter was crying alone. She looks at the time and decides to go home before it starts raining, hoping she wouldn't find anyone on her way.
But, of course, she's one of the most unlucky people on earth, because when she's almost in her house, she spots Miyeon's figure.
"Unnie, what are you doing here?", she asks when she gets closer to the older girl.
"Shu, hi. I was waiting for you.", the older smiles, one of those smiles that could make everyone smile back. Maybe she wasn't so unlucky because if there was someone who could make her feel better other than the girl who hurt her it was Miyeon. "I was thinking we could watch a movie together. I miss you." Shuhua's giver her a small smile and opens the door for both of them.
"Choose the movie you want, unnie. I'm just going to take a shower.", and leaves without waiting for the answer, going straight to the bathroom and undressing.
The first thing on Shuhua's mind when the warm water runs down her body is relieve. She's been feeling cold ever sense she left Soojn's house, maybe even before. Now that she thinks about it, she's been cold for a while. Still, she allows herself to close her eyes and enjoy the warm, though inside she still feels cold as ice. She takes her time in the shower, dressing a big sweatshirt with ome sweats. When the goes to the living room she finds Miyeon sitting on the couch with a blanket envolving her body while scrolling on her phone. Miyeon notices Shuhua right away, opening a smile.
"Come here, it's cold. The weather's been really weird it was supposed to be sunny.", the older says with a frown.
Shuhua settles next to Miyeon and the older hugs her, envolving both in the blanket, and plays the movie. Shuhua lets her head fall on Miyeon's shoulder and closes her eyes. The younger doesn't know how much time passes when she hears the older's voice.
"Shu?" Shuhua tenses up keeping her eyes closed an humming, "It's okay to let go and it's okay to go and leave behind what's hurting you." Of course Miyeon knows, she always does.
"What if I feel like I can't?", Shuhua opens her eyes, letting a single tear fall. Miyeon hold her hand.
"You can. Shu, you can do everything you put your mind on. I know it feels like you can't because you love her but you can love her anywhere. Here, though, you're stoping to love yourself.", Shuhua lifts her head off Miyeon's shoulder, more tears falling down.
"I've been thinking about go back to Taiwan for a while but everytime I thought I made up my mind she would text me and then I couldn't remember why I wanted to leave", tears start to falling harder, and Miyeon squeezes her hand. " What you just told me, I know it. I hate what I've become but I love her so much more than I wish to heal."
"And that's the problem, Shu. You love her more than you love yourself. Even she tells you she loves you too, you'll never be able to find the self love you lost. You deserve to be loves, Shuhua. By yourself and others." Shuhua looks at Miyeon and sees that the older girl is also starting to cry.
"What about you guys?"
"We'll love you no matter where you are. We want the best for you and even though we'll all miss you like crazy, we want the best for you.", Miyeon kisses the back of my hand and gives a small smile.
"I love you, unnie. Thank you for taking care of me.", Shuhua hugs her and closes her eyes.
"I'll always take care of you, Shu." I wish I could protect you from everything that hurts, are the words on Miyeon mind.
This time, Shuhua really feels warm inside knowing she has people who love her. She feels grateful for Miyeon.
..........
"Shu! Are you ready to go?"
"Yes, unnie!", Shuhua looks around again at the almost empty house and smiles. She's going to miss it. She graps her backpack and closes the door behind her as she waks out. "Can you stop at Soojin's house? I have something to give her." Shuhua says as she enter Miyeon's car. She doesn't need to look at Miyeon to know the worried look the older has on her face. Despite, the girl nods.
When they stop in front of Soojin's house, Shuhua gets out of the car with the letter on her hand. She thought about going without telling Soojin, but she knew it would hurt the older girl and that was the last thing she wanted. She thought about saying goodbye face to face, but she knew there was a big probability of her not being able to let go of Soojin. So this was the best she could think of. A letter. She put it under the door, hoping if Soojin was home she wouldn't notice it. She rushes back to the car, telling Miyeon they could go. When the is starting, Soojin opens the door, holding the letter with a confused look on her (beautiful) face. For a moment, their eyes meet, but before Soojin could understand hat was happening, the car is already at the end of the road, leaving her behind.
Shuhua feels the tears starting to fall again. I'm sorry, she thinks, I have to do this.
..........
Soojin sits on the couch with the letter on her hands. She tries to understand what is happening but deep down she thinks she knows. She opens the letter.
Jinjin,
I know that right know you must be confused. I can imagine your face with an adorable frown.
I hope you know I'm sorry for not saying a proper goodbye but I couldn't do it. I knew that if I was face to face with you I wouldn't be able to leave. I was always weak when it comes to you. Ever since I first met, I always felt like you were someone worth my time and affection. You helped me when I came to Korea and ever since I always hoped you would be with me forever.
You used to feel like fire, you know? Ever since the first time my skin touched yours, it felt like fire and I gladly felt like burning. But as the time went by, something changed. Now, I feel colder every time my hand touches yours. You can ask me the exact moment I started to feel like this and I can't give you an answer. I can only give you a bunch of 'maybes'.
Because maybe it was when I started to realize I was falling for you. Or maybe it was when I knew I knew you didn't felt the same but still hol on to the hope that you could fall for me. Or maybe it was when I cried for you for the first time while you were with someone else. Maybe it was when I saw how you smiled when our friends asked you about him like you knew you were made for each other.
After all this, the thing that hurts me the most is how I can't let you go but I'm learning. Piece by piece I'll start to let go of you and as that happens I'll learn how to fix myself.
I wish I didn't have to choose between you and myself. One month ago, I would choose you without thinking twice but lately I came to realize that I need to choose myself in order to love you the way you deserve to be loved. Because I love you, Jinjin. And I always will. But right now I don't love you the right way.
I feel like I'm addicted to you.
I'm addicted to the feeling of you holding me. I'm addicted to how I break every time I look into your eyes. I'm addicted to how cold I feel if it means I have you with me.
You deserve to be sorrounded by people who are happy for being there, but I can't be one of them. I know you love me, even if you don't say it, even if it is as a friend. I know it. But even though I know it, I've never really felt it. I was too intoxicated by my feelings for you.
I'll come back one day, until then, be well, unnie. Don't blame yourself and use this time without me to not worry about me. I'll heal and come back to you as myself and not someone who hated herself so she could love you.
I'll miss you.
- Yeh Shuhua
Soojin was crying and shaking as she hold the letter. The only thing she could think about was how she gave pain to the only person who gave nothing but love. Someone so pure and innocent that wasn't afraid to show her real emotions. She blamed herself but only until she decided that she too was going to become a person worth of Shuhua's love. She was going to become better so when Shuhua comes back, the younger girl would not regret loving her.