I miss your warmth
To say Soojin missed Shuhua was an understatement.
Soojin felt like a part of herself refused not being with the younger girl so it left with her. It's been life this for a year. A year since Shuhua left to fix the broken parts Soojin didn't relized she broke. The korean still feels the pain on her chest when she thinks of Shuhua crying because of her. The taiwanese girl said it wasn't Soojin's fault and Soojin tried to erase that feeling, but deep down she knew. She knew it was her fault, at least some of it was her fault.
For a whole year she wished she had things differently. She wished she had hold Shuhua tighter, spent more time with the girl. She wished she had told Shuhua how much she cared and loved her. But when Soojin realized everything, Shuhua was already gone.
To be honest, Soojin never undestood why people said they only know what they have until it's gone. I mean, if you have someone you love and who loves you back why wouldn't someone not show it and preserve it as if it was the most precious thing in the world? How stupid. Soojin always thought like this, not realizing that she wasn't doing it.
That's why she finds herself, one year later, sitting on the floor, with her back leaned on the couch and Shuhua's letter on her hands, holding it, afraid that if she let go of, she would never see Shuhua again. She stopped trying not to cry long time ago, because it was useless and if there was someone worth of Soojin's tears, it was Shuhua,
I miss you.
I miss you so much.
She misses Shuhua. At the beginning Soojin tought she couldn't handle the pain of missing the younger girl. She was so used to having Shuhua by her side that when she wasn't there, Soojin was lost and didn't know what to do. For the first two months, the korean just stayed home. She needed time to figure out her feelings and how to deal with being without Shuhua. When she finally accepted that the younger was really gone and that it was the best for her, Soojin allowed herself to enjoy some little things without feeling guilty. It took some time until she opened up to her friends about it but she knew she had to be better for Shuhua. So she tried to share more her feelings. It was one of the hardest things she had to do but Shuhua deserved the best version of her.
The truth was that Soojin was and still is in love with Shuhua. She was in love with everything Shuhua was and everything Shuhua did. She was in love with the younger's smile, her hugs, her voice, her innocence. God, you're an idiot, Seo Soojin. Why didn't you tell her?
A sigh escaped Soojin's mouth. She got up and went to her bedroom, and put the letter in the last drawer of her desk. She kept it there since the first day, only reading it again when she needed reassurance that Shuhua was coming back to her or when she just felt like giving up.
For Soojin, Shuhua was always brightest than the sun. The taiwanese was always there when Soojin was sad, never leaving her and making sure Soojin knew everything was going to be okay. The korean loved Shuhua's smile. It had a power over Soojin that she never understood very well but she knew she wanted to always see it on Shuhua's face.
How did you never realized that the smile you so much love wasn't there for so much time?
No. Soojin wasn't doing that again. She was tired so she just figured it was better to sleep. At least in my dream, you're still with me, Shu.
.......
Soojin woke up with someone ringing on her door. She looked at her phone. 6:32pm. Right. She got up of her bed, walking to the door. When she opened, there was no one. Confused, she closed the door, noticing right after the letter that was left. Her eyes filled with tears. Soojin felt it was from her. Grabbing the etter as if it was the most delicate and important thing in the world (for her, it was), she sit on the chouch. This situation is too familiar. Even though it was true, nothing could've have prepared Soojin for the pain she felt when she has the confirmation.
To Jinjin.
Hi! I know you must be confused on why I'm sending you a letter after everything, but I couldn't not do it. Even though I wanted a break from you, one week ago, I asked our friends how you've been doing. For the time time since that day. They updated me and I decided then that I would send you this letter to tell you that I'm proud of you.
You've been sharing your feelings with them. I know how hard that is for you, but the fact that you're trying makes me believe that the distance was good for you too. It makes me happy that the pain teached us both something.
Now, you asked about me but I told all of our friends to not tell you. I wanted this time apart to help us deal with our feelings. Those deep feelings that need time to grow or fall apart. I can tell you, that my feelings grew. I'm still trying to find some of the part that were broken but there's one missing piece that I won't find here. You. You are the piece I need to feel complete so I'm working hard on the other parts to be able to go back to you.
I learned how to live withou you. And even though I learned how to deal with the pain of not having you with me, I still love and miss you every second of the day.
Sometimes I'm scared of you forgeting about me. Stupid, right? I'm sorry. I know you care about me. I know you love me in your way. But I still want you to know that it's okay if you decide that you don't want me with you when I go back. You deserve the best in the world. You deserve to be happy. And in any way I want to be in the way of that.
Another thing I learned while out time apart is that you can't control feelings. Feelings are like flowers that grow without being planted. And my feelings for you are the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen. That's why I have been have to go through the pain of being without you. Because I can hold on to those flowers that I've been taken care of since the first time I met you. And I'll keep doing so.
Anyways, I hope you're doing well. And I hope you're fighting for your happiness. I always admired you because of how strong you are, so keep being the same beautiful person I feel in love with, okay?
Promise me something... that you won't ever forget how much I love you. Even when things get too hard. Even when it's hard to breathe. Even when you feel too lonely. Never forget I love you and I'll go back to you, ready to be the person you deserve me to be.
You are the most special person I've ever met. If I could choose, I'd still fall in love with you every single day. You are worth it for me.
Smile always, okay? Remember when I told you I was weak for you? Well, I'm the strongest with you. That's always I will always end up going back to your side.
I miss your warmth.
- Yeh Shuhua
Soojin smiles a little with tears falling down her face.
You're weak for me, but I'll be strong for you, Shuhua.
She holds the letter close to her chest, imaging she putting her arms around the younger girl. Somehow, it feels like Shuhua knew she needed this letter to keep going. It makes her smile because no one will ever understand her like Shuhua does.
That's how she falls asleep. On the couch, holding on to Shuhua's letter like a lifeline.
......
1 year after
Soojin wakes up feeling different. She has a good feeling about this day. Looking at her phone, she smiles. Maybe today she will recieve another letter.
It's been two years since Shuhua left. One year since the second letter. After comparing noth letter, she noticed how much better Shuhua seemed. That's the reason Soojin could handle another year of no Shuhua. And today she is hoping to get another letter.
She texted the groupchat ith her friends asking if they were down for breakfast. All of them answered yes. She got dressed and went to the cafe they decided one.
Soojin got there before everyone else. Maybe she was a little too excited today. Her friends soon arrived at the same time.
"Good morning!", Soojin greeted them with a smile on her face.
"What's up with all the happiness this morning? It's weird...", Yuqi said with a almost disgusted look on her face, making the other three girls laugh.
"Let's not complain and just enjoy while Ice Queen Soojin went on a break.", Miyeon said giving Soojin a small hug and sitting next to her. The other three girls settle in front of Soojin.
"Can we know what's the reason for the whole happiness though?", Soyeon asked. Before Soojin could answer, the waiter comes to their table to take their order, writing down while each one said what they wanted.
The question was forgotten by all the girls that kept talking about random things one of them remembered about until the waiter came back with their orders.
"So Soojin...", Minnie started. "Why are you so happy today?"
"Oh... I'm excited for Shuhua's letter." Soojin told them as if it wasn't a big deal, while eating, missing the smiles on the other girls faces.
They decided to spend the whole day together and Soojin felt grateful for her friends because if she went home she would start getting anxious waiting for the letter.
When Soojin went home, she was almost certain that the letter would be there. Waiting for her. But when she was in front of her house and looked up from her phone, what was waiting for her was something so much better.
"Hi, Jinjin", the girl that's been on Soojin's mind says with a smile on her face and tears on her eyes, "I missed you."
The older girl can't say anything so she just hugs the girl and starts crying. Shuhua still smells the same, still feels the same. What's different is that, this time, Soojin isn't going to ever let go of her. She's going to give Shuhua the love she gave her back. This time, Soojin is also going to love Shuhua the way the younger deserves to be loves.
......
I missed your warmth, Shuhua thinks with a smile.
This is how you used to feel. This how you made me feel. I don't feel cold anymore.