In your hands

The pain radiated through her.

Her ribs had taking the brunt of the blow and the air deserted her lungs. Her knees hit the mat beneath her painfully and she clutched at her side trying to regain her breath.

It had been her fault. 

She was paying attention to the task at hand. 

“Your mind is not here Ava. You need to be present or the halo won’t be able to anticipate what you need from it.”

Ava rolled her eyes and grunted as she stood back up to face Lilith who stood waiting for her to be ready once more. 

She wasn’t so new to this anymore. She knew that she had to concentrate but the past few days had her mind firmly on other important developments.

“I’m sorry okay… but I’m human, I have other things on my mind sometimes. I’m doing my best.”

Lilith relaxed her stance, lowering the staff in her grip. 

“I sympathise Ava… I really do, but in these times, with what we are yet to face… Your best just may not be enough.’

Without anything further Ava watched as Lilith turned and walked away from their sparring session. Of course she also knew that Lilith was right. This had been Ava’s existence for a few months now, not years of sacrifice like everyone else here. She huffed out a heavy sigh and winced as she made her way back to her quarters. 

Once there, Ava stood in front of the full length mirror and lifted her shirt to look at the damage beneath. A dark, purpling bruise graced a small section of her ribs. It wasn’t too bad and as she’d come to realise not something the halo was going to be taking care of with any great haste… and why should it? It wasn’t a life threatening injury and didn’t really preclude her from getting on with her training. She was lost in her own thoughts and didn’t notice the figure stop at the door frame to her room. 

“Are you alright Ava?”

Ava took a deep breath which she regretted a little as her ribs contracted and pain shot through her but she lowered her shirt and looked up at Beatrice in the mirror behind her. 

“It’s nothing. I just wasn’t quick enough to block that’s all.”

Beatrice walked into the room and Ava turned around to look at her. 

“Lilith said you were distracted and not paying attention.. You know you have to keep your wits Ava..”

Ava waved her off and shuffled away from her, creating a little distance between them.

“So what now you’re going to berate me too…don’t worry Lilith already gave me the speech… I’m well versed.”

Ava watched as Beatrice’s face fell a bit and regretted her statement as soon as it had come out of her mouth.

“I wasn’t going to give you the speech, I was going to ask if you were okay… really..?”

Ava shrugged… she was confused and now her ribs hurt because the very woman standing before her had kissed her and then had done everything in her power to avoid having any interaction with her. She knew that the kiss was a big deal for Beatrice and would never assume anything from it but she thought they could at least work out the rest together. 

“Are you?”

The words cracked the stiff air between them like lightning through a tree. 

“I am fine… you don’t need to worry about me Ava.”

It hit Ava like another punch to the gut, her insides squeezing and contracting. It kinda hurt her feelings that Beatrice would tell her that she didn’t need to worry. Of course she was going to worry. Had they not established that there was something between them? Her hurt morphed a little into anger and annoyance. Beatrice had been avoiding her for days with no explanation. 

“Right… I suppose you avoiding me for the past few days was to show me how Okay you are.”

Ava watched as Beatrice swallowed thickly, trying to keep the wetness shining in her eyes from being anything more than that. She stepped forward slowly, trying not to startle her.

“You want to know what happened with Lilith? I got distracted because I thought I got a glimpse of you from across the room and she struck me with the staff before I could block the blow… Ive been distracted because you kissed me and then disappeared without…”

Ava didn’t get to finish her thought as lips crashed against hers, hands balled at the front of her shirt and pulled her flush with Beatrice’s body. Her confusion was replaced by a heat flourishing in her chest. One of her hands found refuge on Beatrice’s hip and the other cupped her cheek as delicate lips danced across hers. 

Her hurt feelings collapsed into a euphoria; galaxies exploding behind her closed eye lids. Beatrice’s hand removed its grip from the front of her shirt and found a hold again to the back of her neck; fingers slipping effortlessly into the hair there. 

Ava couldn’t tell how long they had stood melded into one another, lips chasing and exploring and she didn’t care. She wanted to stay in this moment forever; the burning in her lungs be damned. The rest of the world seemed to melt away, and only came back into focus when Beatrice broke their connection, breath heavy, lips plump and cherry red from their explorations. She rested her forehead against Ava’s own. The grip on her neck tightened and released; sending even more warmth flooding through Ava’s system had she thought it possible. 

“I’m sorry Ava…”

This brought a frown to Ava’s brow; what did Beatrice have to be sorry for. Ava shifted slightly, tightening her grip on Beatrice’s hips but moved back far enough to be able to look her in the eyes.

“Sorry for what?… One of the best kisses of my life?”

Ava watched the blush creep up Beatrice’s neck and into her cheeks. It was beautiful and perfect and Ava made a mental note to try and see it more often. She smiled at her, the light reaching her eyes. Beatrice closed her own, the connection between them overwhelming her slightly.  

“I’m sorry for avoiding you these past few days. I… this… Its all…”

Ava cupped Beatrice’s face in both hands, delicate thumbs dancing over defined cheek bones, coaxing her out of her internal hiding place. Beatrice’s eyes opened, slick with tears Ava wanted to understand. 

Were they happy?

Regretful?

Sad?

Confused?

There were so many things that Ava knew Beatrice could be feeling. It had taken her a lot to get to this point with Ava and she knew it was still a work in progress. It was a marathon not a sprint. Ava too felt all of those things at one time or another and knew how hard they were to process and she didn’t have the looming fact that she’d taken vows hanging over her head either. She wiped at the silent tears tracking their way down Beatrice’s cheeks.

“It’s a lot… I should be the one who’s sorry. I can’t begin to understand just how hard this is for you… how much you are giving up in these moments. I would never want you to give yourself over to something that caused you pain… that I cause you pain..”

Beatrice shook her head and cupped her hand over Ava’s on her cheek.

“I’ve spent so long telling myself I’m not supposed to have these feelings… that my duty is to god and my sisters and there can be nothing more. Then you came along and you allowed me your strength to believe that god could only love me in his image… I am beautifully and wonderfully made and withholding that part of myself, would deny me the graciousness god wants me to live by…”

Ava took a deep breath trying to quell the rising tide of emotion within her. No one had ever thought anything much of her until Beatrice had come along… and she’d had a hard time believing it to be true but as the words tumbled from Beatrice’s lips, her heart swelled and her mind latched on to each utterance.

Someone wanted her. 

She was no longer that discarded thing, left alone, broken and barely alive.

She was healing… becoming whole. Her soul willing to admit love, admit a connection to something… someone other than herself. 

“You don’t cause me pain Ava… You make me better… It wasn’t my intention to avoid you but rather the truths our last encounter had shone light upon. While it is a lot and something I’m not used to, its real… and I’m not weak or wrong for allowing it to be so…I just needed a little time to adjust to that..”

Ava released Beatrice’s face and buried her face in the crook of the nun’s neck; breathing her in. They stood there wrapped in each others arms for a few moments before Ava pulled back and grabbed both of Beatrice’s hands in her own.

“I know there is a lot to work out… but I’m here… and we can work it out together… when you’re ready… I don’t care about anything else… It’s you and me…”