In your hands

She felt a little empty, just like her hand now was. 

A tidal wave of fear… of hurt… of realisation crashed against the walls of her stomach, rising up and up and up until it had sent her heart awash with a pain she thought she’d never have to feel again. 

She was no stranger to the feeling of course; the feeling of loss. She’d lost many things in her life; her mom.. the ability to walk and take care of herself. But she had fought hard to get some of those things back… to allow herself to feel worthy of them. 

She’d had help though. 

People who had built her up, championed her, made her worth shine through the darkness she held within her. 

But now?

All she had gained felt like it was being ripped away… a fading mirage just like the retreating figure of the person that now held it all hostage. 

Her bottom lip quivered a little as the rest of the room continued around her without a care of the pain searing and indelible mark on her soul. 

She swallowed thickly and advanced further into the room, a smile poised on her face in an attempt to hide the cracking facade just beneath the surface. Wanting nothing more than to vanish, to fade away on the whispers of the wind she used to feel in moments of quiet laid out on the grass looking up at the sky, just outside the cats cradle but she knew she couldn’t. 

Not in this small isolated village that she had suggested they pay a visit to. It was meant to be a getaway of sorts, a way for her to unwind and blow off some steam. She’d been here only once before, with Mary, back when she wasn’t sure the warrior nun life was for her. It had filled her with a sense of being, of hope; that this place, how ever small could come together every day and breathe life into its very core. 

Ava had needed that moment of realisation back then, that even after all this village had overcome they were still grateful and welcoming. 

But as she stood alone by the door leading to the kitchen, her plans felt selfish and ignorant to the facts. 

Facts that had swelled and implanted themselves in the forefront of her mind. 

Fact. Ava was for all intents and purposes in love with Beatrice; not that she was anywhere near ready to say it to her, but the feelings were there, she knew it. 

Fact. The pair had done little more than make out once or twice and had avoided heavy feeling related talks since Beatrice had gone awol after kissing Ava the first time. 

Fact. Just because she was ready didn’t mean Beatrice was and she had declared that she was fine with that. 

So many facts that Ava wished now were not screaming in the forefront of her brain. 

She worried her bottom lip between her teeth and her fingers played with the frayed hem of her blue plaid over shirt trying to figure out a way to fix this mess she found herself in. The roaring swell in her stomach suddenly built and crashed like it would over the bow of a boat in rough seas, over and over again. 

The people around her laughed and sang and danced with one another; a celebration of her arrival. Ava thought that it was just an excuse for them all to get together and rejoice life in general. If she was honest she’d give anything to be that carefree right about now but she was a slave to her own selfish, wanton emotions; ones that she was seriously starting to wonder about. Why anyone would put themselves through this torment?

Her mind flicked images at her as if in response to the silent, internal query. 

Image. The flush that crept up Beatrice’s neck when Ava had called her beautiful. 

Image. The smile on her own face as she listened to Beatrice read from an ancient text.

Image. The want in Beatrice’s eyes as she pulled back from one of their first kisses.

Okay, so maybe she knew why people put themselves in positions like these. She was just confused and feeling sorry for herself. She shouldn’t be feeling sorry for herself, she should be out finding where Beatrice had gone, to make sure she was okay but she couldn’t seem to bring herself to head for the door she’d seen Beatrice retreat through. 

Her mind swirled and buzzed and synapses fired in all directions. She was so in her thoughts that she didn’t notice Mary step up to her and only acknowledged her when she placed a gentle hand on her shoulder causing her to jump.

“You okay Ava?”

Ava swallowed thickly and tried to shake the fog in her mind. She looked at Mary, the softness of her features somewhat taking her by surprise. But Ava had seen them before, in this very village and whenever Mary spoke about Shannon. She felt safe in the bubble Mary’s question had created in the crowded room. 

“No. Im not and neither is Beatrice. We.. I.. she…”

Ava closed her eyes and sighed heavily. 

Mary moved her hand from Ava’s shoulder to her forearm and guided her through the doors to the kitchen beyond. Ava obliged and let herself be lead away from the noise of the celebrating villagers. 

“Okay warrior nun.. Take a minute and try to form a sentence that I can follow.”

Ava worried her lip between her teeth, unsure whether she should share this with Mary… without Beatrice giving her permission. But Ava was at a loss for what to do and Mary knew this path.. knew the difficulties of it. 

“Beatrice and I…. Have.. feelings for each other.”

Ava waited for the calmness on Mary’s face to change into one of disappointment for having led Beatrice off the path she clearly stated she was walking, but it didn’t shift. If anything her eyes softened more and a small smiled pulled at the corner of her mouth.

“Bout time you guys admitted there was something more between you. Camilla has been bursting at the seams to say something to you or Beatrice but I told her that you both would let us in on it when you were ready. But I take it that something happened when you guys walked in here?”

Ava nodded and leant her elbows on the metal bench top in front of her, face in her hands. 

Mary turned and let her back bump into the bench beside Ava’s slumped form. 

“You wanna know something?”

Ava peeled a hand away from her face and eyed Mary with a curious nod. 

“I had a place I used to take Shannon in the beginning. It was my way of trying to show her that even though she had taken vows, she could still live and love but I didn’t see that we were different on so many levels and while I chose this life, Shannon was the chosen one. It wasn’t my place to try and show her anything. She would walk whatever path she was meant to and in the end it allowed us our common ground.. as people. Outside of everything else.”

Ava shifted and mirrored Mary’s position against the bench. She knew it meant a lot that Mary was sharing this with her. The relationship she had with Shannon was solely theirs and a private affair. While everyone seemed to know that the pair had something together, no one knew any details as to how it came to be or how it worked between them. Ava was grateful that Mary had shown up and chosen to share this bit of herself. 

“I know you miss her… she seemed like a really special person.”

Mary nodded and smiled some what sadly. 

“She really was. She gave so much of herself to everyone… to make sure they were safe and protected… in the end it cost her her life. Given what we now know about Father Vincent, it makes me mad that I didn’t try harder to make sure she was safe and protected… But there is nothing I can do about it now, but keep my sisters together, alive and living life… Just cause you have the halo Ava doesn’t mean it owns you completely. You are only tied to it by as much as you allow.”

Ava thought about this. Mary was basically telling her that she didn’t have to walk the halo’s path but her own, the one of her own choosing. It was an interesting concept but Ava had made her decision, she was the Halo bearer… she was going to do the same as Shannon; she would keep everyone as safe as she could. 

“But the Halo is what brought us together. How can I not allow it to be the driving force of everything that I am. Im alive because of it. The air fills my lungs because of its power, I am able to walk again and its what Beatrice is tied to..”

Mary frowned, this time her features curved into disbelief. 

“You really cant think that the halo is all Beatrice sees in you?”

 She kicked absentmindedly at an invisible object on the floor and shrugged like a five year that had been asked a question they didn’t want to answer truthfully. 

“I don’t know anything Mary… Not really. I think I know what I want and then she comes along and everything ive ever thought about gets thrown on its head and I’m drowning.”

Mary straightens her stance and turns to face Ava head on; knowing eyes searching unsure ones. 

“Beatrice is special….”

It was Ava’s turn to frown, indignation coating her tongue..

“I know she is…”

The words spat from her lips harsher than she had meant them to be but she did know. Beatrice was one of the most amazing people she had ever come across.

Smart.

Beautiful.

Badass.

Fearless.

It then dawned on Ava. She had always been those things; before she had come along. It was Ava who had inserted herself in the deeply rooted life of Sister Beatrice and expected a hollow to be made there for her, to be carved out… without realising that her presence was attached to an obligation… to a promise that had been made to a higher power. 

All the feelings that had developed between them had be ancillary to where Beatrice had existed for the longest time and Ava disrupted how Beatrice had come to function in the world. 

“Shit.” 

The word fell from Ava’s lips. dejected and full of realisation. Had she really not been able to see that she was inadvertently trying to make Beatrice walk her path? 

Mary could only watch as the truth dawned on Ava; it flickered across her face in a wave of disappointment, sadness and finally acceptance as to what she needed to do now.

“I need to find our common ground, outside of all of this.”

Mary would have smiled at her if she’d thought it appropriate but nodded and placed a gentle hand on Ava’s shoulder. 

“Go…”

Ava nodded and turned to make for the door but turned back towards Mary a grateful smile on her lips.

“Mary… Thank you.”

With a barely there nod of her head, Mary sent Ava on her way; watching as the door closed behind her. 

Everything had been like a dream from the moment they had arrived. Of course Beatrice was familiar with this place but she let Ava guide her around, showing her all the different things she wanted. She watched the smile on her face make the light in her eyes shine brighter than ever before. They had shared so many moments in the hours they’d been there and Beatrice hadn’t felt this at ease or connected to someone for the longest time. 

They had taken a walk around the outskirts of town, and Beatrice felt her hand gravitate to Ava’s own; her fingers filling the voids there like they had been made to do just that. Ava’s thumb skated across the back of her hand in a delicate pattern that she couldn’t quite decipher but would catalogue as something she would definitely try and illicit from Ava whenever she could. 

The walk had them stop at a secluded spot looking out over the mountains and she found herself perched in between Ava’s legs, her back nestled into her chest, Ava’s arms wrapped around her stomach, chin slotting into the crook of her neck. Beatrice had sighed contently and felt Ava smile into her skin. It truly had been a day that she could only hope to replicate. After a while of sitting in each others company, the sun had begun its decent across the sky; hues of purple an orange melding together in a masterpiece painted by mother nature herself. Ava had smiled brightly at her and Beatrice allowed herself to be lead to the best restaurant in town.  

From what Beatrice could see the place was full of locals but she was so content with how the day had gone she didn’t care how many other people would have their eyes on her. Ava had been a step ahead, hand extended backwards for Beatrice to grab if she wanted to. 

And of course she did, it was her safe space, the voids there her own to fill, made by god as a place of refuge from all her worldly troubles. A gentle squeeze of her hand and Ava pushed open the door to be greeted by a room full of towns people in mid festivities. The pair had stopped just inside the door and while some people had stopped their conversation to look over at the newcomers, everyone else seemed to be fully invested in the atmosphere at hand. 

Beatrice swallowed thickly.

There were a lot of people in this room… a lot of god fairing people, just like her. 

Her chest began to feel heavy, her lungs like useless hole laden sacks, unable to hold any measure of air. 

Her grip on Ava’s hand faltered; a panic setting in to her bones. 

It was all too much. 

Too many people that could judge her, that could coat her in the sins she had been told to avoid.  

She felt Ava try to reassure her with a gentle squeeze to her hand but nothing was going to be able to quell the rising tide within her; its height and inevitable break onto the shores of her soul, sending her spiralling. 

The air was now a thick, hot, soup that she couldn’t swallow down. She let go of Ava’s hand completely and could do more than half stumble backwards towards the door through which they had entered; her shoes scuffing on the floor beneath her. 

Her back hit the wood and it surged open, tumbling her out into the night. She didn’t allow herself to look at Ava as she moved further away from her minds perceived danger. 

She needed air. 

She needed the world to stop spinning.

Needed it to not be as complicated as it was. 

Wanted nothing more than to be at the stage where she could handle a room full of strangers eyeing her and the fact that her hand was firmly grasped in that of a beautiful girls but it was all too much. Her whole life had been geared to avoiding that exact situation, to making sure that her public perception and usefulness were what she was told they should be. 

Tears welled in her eyes as she hurried off into the night. She didn’t know where she was going or if Ava had followed her out, all she knew was that nothing was as it should be and that the guilt and shame rising within her were old friends she’d tried to part ways with, now back setting up shop to mingle with the judgement and self loathing already residing there. 

Her foot steps echoed across the cobble stones until she came to a stop, leaning against the built railing of a bridge. The tears slipped silently from her eyes, not wanting to draw any sort of attention to herself. All she wanted to do was fade once again into the background of the story; to be a bit part player in the tale of someone else’s creation. 

She was safe there.

She had always been safe there. 

And now she wasn’t, she was free falling without a way to stop herself and she knew that it wasn’t going to be the fall that did her in but the sudden, violent stop at the end that would be catastrophic. 

And there was nothing she could do… but wait.