In your hands

It was like a gentle stream in the beginning.

The bubbling had echoed in her mind. It had carved out a space within her no matter how many times she tried to block its advance. 

It built and built until the pressure broke her barriers; the dam falling away, sending a tidal wave crashing over every part of her, soaking her in predetermined sins.  

This wasn’t allowed.

She was told so; over and over again. This was wrong. She was wrong.

She’d spent her whole life being moulded, crafted, directed away from what she was now drowning in. 

At first she tried to swim against the tide. Used everything inside of her to try and get to dry land, to be who she was supposed to be. 

But as she struggled, her armour began to crack and crumble, the tendrils snaking through her like the roots of a tree; firmly taking hold of its footings. 

And now?

She had let the waters take her; raging and all consuming. Unknown as to where she was going to end up and she didn’t care.

The soft, warm, battle weary hand in hers was the only thing that mattered. It had been hours now and a struggle to make sure they done everything they could.

They had managed to get Ava out of the rubble and back to the relative safety of the cats cradle. It had then been a nervous wait while the only doctor they could find worked on removing the debris from Ava’s wound. 

Beatrice had made sure she had stayed by Ava’s side, to make sure that everything was being done that could be to keep her alive until the halo had recharged. The doctor had managed to patch her up and now all they could do was wait. It wasn’t like they hadn’t been through this before, but this time Beatrice couldn’t help but feel the fear rising in the pit of her stomach, clashing with the tides of other feelings that found themselves rising up from in the before. 

It had been hours now though and Beatrice hadn’t moved from the side of the bed where Ava now lay, motionless, healing. The others had come and gone and the afternoon had turned into night but Beatrice didn’t care how long she had to sit there; she was going to be there when Ava woke up. 

Delicate patterns danced from her finger tips onto the smooth skin of Ava’s hand; it was all Beatrice could do to hold some sort of composure. She couldn’t be falling apart, she knew bigger things were at stake here… and she had still taken her vows. 

Her stomach plummeted. 

Her vows. 

She had always known what taking her vows was going to mean. She had needed that solace, what at first was an excuse to hide from her feelings; from who she was. But over time, and with the direction and love from God, she had come to find meaning and truth in her vows. She had taken them seriously. They were what kept her on an even keel, saved her from disappearing in a world that told her she had no right to exist in her original form, that her soul could only be saved if she renounced her attachment to such things. 

And detach she had. 

Thrown herself into her servitude… and then into the OCS. 

She had found her purpose; finally feeling like she belonged to something.

But then this mysterious, annoying, hard headed, gorgeous girl had come along and thrown her carefully constructed world off kilter. Beatrice had been hard on her in the beginning, had tried to keep her feelings separated from the work at hand, to exile her emotions to the darkest depths where she wouldn’t have to deal with them, where they couldn’t further reign over her. 

Of course, that had failed. 

Little by little, moment by moment.

Ava had created a space for herself within Beatrice’s mind. It had been confusing and frustrating and overwhelming and she had spent many a night counselling herself for thoughts that had crossed her mind that day.  

But day after day, night after night, her fear had given way to longing for just one more minute, one more smile, one more moment feeling at peace in a way she had never considered before; in a way she never thought she would be worthy of having.

Ava had a presence that Beatrice couldn’t describe and it wasn’t just because god had bestowed the halo upon her.

No.

It was more than that. 

Ava saw her; for all that she was and all that she tried hard to not allow herself to be. She understood where Beatrice was in her life and while she let her know that there was something more at play, Ava never pushed. Never made her needs more prevalent than Beatrice’s own; one of the only things Ava truly didn’t make about herself. 

A smile pulled at Beatrice’s lips at just how much Ava had given her in such a small amount of time. The others knew of course, no matter how much Beatrice tried to deny it to herself but they kept it to themselves, which really helped her get to where she was now. 

The small moments alone with Ava had shown her that she was indeed worthy of being her true self, no matter who had told her she couldn’t. Simple things other people took for granted, Beatrice relished in.

Reading to Ava from books long since published; watching her eyes light up in wonder at the world that was.

Guiding her through her training; getting to see how hard she was trying and how far she had come already. 

Laying in the sun, looking at the clouds; carefully purposeful finger tips mapping battle hardened hands and strong forearms.

Beatrice’s chest wracked with a heavy, worried filled sigh; surely Ava should have awoken by now. 

Surely her silent prayers had been heard, to wake her from her unconsciousness. Beatrice knew she was being selfish, that her wants of seeing Ava’s eyes stare into the very core of her was self serving. She knew Ava would rise when the time was right; when the halo had decided its vessel was fit for service again. 

Her eyes mapped closed lids and barely parted pink lips, cheek bones and perfect skin. She drank them in without fear, without trepidation for what it meant. 

She knew. 

And she didn’t care what it meant. 

She grasped Ava’s hand tighter and brought it up to her lips, placing a gentle kiss to the back of it before resting it against her cheek. 

“Of all the things in my life that I thought I didn’t need any longer… You…”

Her words stuck to trembling lips. She swallowed hard and licked her lips to free them.

“For the longest time, I felt like I was alone. Of course I had my sisters, but aside from god my soul was alone. It was how I was told it was supposed to be. But I can’t help but think that god gifted me with your presence; allowed you to show me that who I am is okay and that all of the stuff before was leading me here; whether it be fate or Devine intervention.”

Beatrice let her eyes flutter closed, surrendering to the feeling of Ava’s hand in her own against her cheek.

But she continued.

 "You are stubborn, arrogant, self centred at times, you completely under-estimate your own abilities but….”

Ava’s eyes opened slowly, a smile tugged at the corners of her lips..

“Please tell me how you really feel…”

Beatrice’s eyes flew open and she almost fell onto Ava as she shifted from the chair she was in to kneel beside the bed. 

“Ava???”

The smile blossomed onto Ava’s face and lit up her tear slicked eyes. 

“Hey…”

Beatrice collapsed against Ava’s chest, hand still held in her own, ear finding her strong, steady heart beat and she couldn’t stop the tears falling from her eyes any longer. Ava cupped her head with her free hand, fingers slipping into her hair, gently scratching at her scalp.

“It’s okay Bea…I’m okay…”

Beatrice opened her eyes lifting her head off of Ava’s chest to look her in the eyes. Ava’s hand followed the action and cupped her cheek; wiping away the tears that had tracked their way down her cheek. 

Ava smiled up at her, the all too well known glint in her eye.

“I should be unconscious from exploding rooms more often if it gets me the compliments you were throwing out…”

A chuckle escaped Beatrice’s lips, knowing the sarcasm that dripped from Ava’s words. 

“You didn’t exactly let me finish…”

Ava nodded in thought but stayed silent; giving Beatrice to finish what she was saying if she wanted to. 

“I was going to say that even though you are all of those things, you try harder than anyone I know… and that despite all you have been through, you allow yourself to feel wholly… unashamed.... For that… to me you are perfect.”

Tears had slipped from Ava’s eyes now and her lip trembled slightly at the ramifications of what Beatrice was saying. She didn’t get to reply as she felt Beatrice shift forward, cupping her face, lips ghosting over her own before being pressed against them. It took a second for Ava to realise what was happening and before she knew it, Beatrice had pulled back but not far enough that she had let go of her. She watched as eyes danced over her features, from her eyes to her parted lips and back again; the wonder on Beatrice’s face a form of ecstasy that Ava was never going to give up. 

She smiled again as Beatrice captured her lips, this time prepared; they're lips fitting perfectly together, moving as one as Ava let Beatrice explore her movements. 

Beatrice’s mind catalogued all it could as her lips melded against Ava’s.

Ava’s lips were soft and plump and tasted like a divinity that Beatrice was sure she would never be bestowed. A heat glowed in her chest as she felt Ava respond. Her heart fluttered and the rising tide of fear banished itself from within her; replaced with a force she’d all too easily forgotten the strength of… Love.