Chapter 1
It hit her like a bolt of lightning.
The mess of her mind halting its dramatic, chaotic bid to pool her thoughts in one giant melt pot of consciousness. A calm settled over every part of her; panicked breaths giving way to measured inhalations of serenity. A soft, almost magnetic buzz, spat and crackled just beneath the surface of her skin; a sort of euphoric white noise seeping into every nerve ending, muscle fibre and bone in her body.
This was new.
She’d never felt anything like this before. Everything had been pain, and sadness and being alone but as she sat there, she felt a peace, kindness, a sense of care and belonging rise up within her. A flush of warmth rocketed into the pit of her stomach, quelling the oceanic tides that had set themselves rolling there.
Ava swallowed thickly, the back of her throat feeling packed with cotton. The hand on her chest rose and fell in time with the lengthy breaths she was taking, a thumb dancing across her cheek bone in perfect synchronicity.
Her eyes flicked from blown out pupils to slightly parted lips and back again as she tried to focus on how they had come to be in this position and how she could hold onto everything she was feeling forever. One second she’d been phasing through a wall and the next, she was being held by strong, yet delicate hands; calming her down.
She had gotten lost during the phase and had become disorientated, effectively sending herself in circles. The crushing weight of the concrete bore down on her; lungs constricting, bones beginning to wane under the pressure. But a steady, deliberately encouraging voice in her ear had guided her out of the trouble she’d found herself in. Her body had crashed to the floor, her lungs screaming , chest heaving, eyes screwed tightly shut as she scrambled across the floor to get away from the wall that had almost swallowed her whole.
Panic had followed her out of the cold confines of the stone and had become an all consuming force, spreading through her but as the warm, comforting hands had grabbed at her, she’d stilled and allowed her eyes to flutter open to look at their owner.
Beatrice.
Strong, kind, loyal... beautiful, badass Beatrice.
“You’re okay... just breathe.. in through my hand.... out through your mouth.”
Ava did as she was instructed; feeling her panic subside as the pair breathed in sync. A smile played at the edge of her mouth as she continued to breathe and stare at Beatrice. Their eyes danced along cheek bones and jaw lines and studied parted lips.
“Where did you learn how to do that.”
Her voice was soft and tinged with curiosity; had she helped other Warrior nuns like this? If she was honest she hoped that it was just something she’d come to try in that moment, with her and her alone but Ava knew she wasn’t that special.
At seeing Ava having got her breath back, Beatrice shifted, removing her hands, much to Ava’s dissatisfaction, sitting down beside her; arms wrapped around bent knees.
“When I first got to the catholic boarding school, I was alone. I didn’t know anyone and was trying to correct the wrong parts of myself. I would have moments where I couldn’t breathe, where I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I felt like I was falling through the cracks. Then one of the sisters there came to me and asked if she could help.”
Ava watched as Beatrice’s eyes faded into the distance, glazing over with a slick sheen as she recounted the memory. It hadn’t occurred to her that Beatrice wasn’t always so put together, that she’d struggled so much. But then how could she not have been struggling. Sent away from her family for something she couldn’t control and for something that in Ava’s eyes wasn’t anything at all wrong.
She reached for Beatrice’s hand and intertwined their fingers together.
“I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
It was veiled and Beatrice knew it was more than about the panic and anxiety. They both stared at their joined hands; Ava’s thumb gently skating across the back of Beatrice’s. After a moment, Beatrice continued; seemingly mesmerised by the invisible patterns Ava’s thumb was painting on her skin.
“It’s meant to act like a tether. Often when panic sets in, it feels like your floating away and can’t get back to the ground. Your breath increases to no avail and it sends messages of fear to your brain. The weight of the hand on your chest is supposed to help connect you to things that matter, that you can think about and help you to know that you’re okay, that you’re not alone.”
A sense of sadness washed over Ava once again.
She knew alone. How it seeped into your very core, imprinting itself in bold across the expanse of your soul. It was a hard mark to remove; a lifetime of scratching and clawing for every inch.
“You’re not alone anymore.”
Ava looked at Beatrice who turned her head to do the same; eyes igniting a war within each other them that they’d happily lose. Beatrice squeezes her hand and Ava felt her breath hitch.
A sheen had taken up residence in Beatrice’s eyes, tears threatening to cascade down her perfect features.
“Neither are you Ava.”