In your hands

The sun was warm on her skin.

The blades of soft grass tickled at her but she didn’t mind.

It was just nice to be able to relax and enjoy the world around her, even if it was just for a hot minute. She wiggled her toes as a gentle breeze filtered through the grass around her; contented breath melting her further into the ground.

She found the perfect spot to enjoy the sun away from prying eyes but still close enough to the cats cradle that she could be there if needed. She knew it wasn’t 100 percent safe for her to be out in the open just yet but sometimes she needed a moment to breathe, just her; a separation of church and state. Everything had been crazy right from the start but now that she had found her home, her purpose, that she’d stopped fighting the path she had been placed upon, she would do anything for any of the sisters; she wasn’t alone. 

A soft smile pulled at her lips as a warmth spread through her chest at the thought of actually having a family. 

It had been so long, and if she was completely honest she wasn’t entirely sure she remembered what it was supposed to feel like. But what she had now, felt good, felt safe and that was more than she’d ever felt in her relatively short time out in the world. The orphanage had broken her, taken her spirit and replaced it with a fear, a hatred, a willingness to shield herself from everyone and everything around her; she couldn’t get hurt if she didn’t let anyone get close. 

That had all changed.

She had started to trust, to believe she was worth more than what she had been made to believe she was. She had value and people cared for her.

And now she cared for them too.

The smile on her lips pulled into a slight frown as a shadow crossed over her, stealing the warmth of the sun. Her eyes fluttered open slowly and the smile she had lost lit up her eyes once more at the sight.

Beatrice. 

Beautiful, badass Beatrice. 

“Hey..”

Beatrice smiled back down at her, her face soft, eyes sparkling. 

It was a sight Ava would never get used to or want to. She’d want to be able to discover it over and over again. It was a smile that seemed only for her, in the moments of quiet between the pair and Ava would be forever content with that. 

She watched as Beatrice knelt down and then lay down beside her; an arm resting beside her own on the grass.

“Hey..”

They lay in blissful silence for a few moments, just content to listen to the world around them. But soon Ava noticed Beatrice had begun to fidget slightly; another thing she seemed to only do in her presence. Normally so put together and calm and collected and in charge of herself, but in the moments in between, the ones where she dared to let herself just be, she seemed to be bristle with a nervous energy, a want to be more than the exposed self she showed everyone else.

Ava turned her head to look at her, to see her eye lashes flutter against perfect skin as her eyes sort out imaginary points of interest in the sky above her, to see her throat bob thickly as she swallowed down what ever she was trying not to ask. It struck Ava that she hadn’t always been open to everyone and that it still might be hard for people to talk to her. An unsettled feeling tried to swell in the pit of her stomach but she stamped it down. 

No. She wasn’t going to let her past define the person she was now and who she was working towards being. She wanted everyone to be able to talk to her, to ask her things, to know her. 

“You can ask you know. I won’t bite.”

Beatrice’s eyes closed for a spilt second, a resignation washing over her features before she turned her head to look back at Ava. Their eyes danced over each other, mapping and remembering and admiring before Beatrice turned her gaze back to the heavens.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to seem weird.”

Ava looked back to the sky as well and shook her head at the inference.

“You’re not being weird. I know I’ve been prickly in the past and haven’t always made it easy to have an actual conversation with me, so please don’t think you are doing anything wrong. I want you to know that you can talk to me, ask me things… that you can know me… that I want you to know me.”

Good job Ava. Rambling, that’s definitely how to play this. 

Her fingers picked absentmindedly at the grass by her side, trying to distract herself from just how awkward she felt. Now she was bristling with nervous energy, until she felt Beatrice’s hand grip her own on the grass, fingers interlocking, fitting together perfectly.

Neither of them said anything for a few moments, letting the warmth spread over them, the calm settling on their skin, just as the wind danced through the grass. Ava felt her mind begin to swim, emotions bubbling just beneath the surface. Beatrice must have sensed something within her and began to speak.

“What’s it like?..”

Okay that was a question. Not one Ava was sure how to answer without context but a question she’d said could be asked nonetheless. 

“I mean what’s it like experiencing things for the first time?… What’s it like to be… a miracle?”

She tripped over the last word and Ava knew it was because Beatrice didn’t want to assume anything of anyone and knew that even though Ava was coming around to being the Warrior Nun, she wasn’t exactly on the same belief wave length as her. 

She supposed what she could call herself was in fact a miracle. 

Dead and then not. 

Quadriplegic and now able to run and walk and feel and touch freely.  

“I suppose I am a miracle huh?… No one just comes back from the dead without a little divine intervention.”

Ava knew that the joke was on the nose and that it was a stalling strategy. JC had asked her the same question about what it was like to feel things for the first time. She had been a mess of hormones and unbridled want; it hadn’t been about JC at all, it had been about the things she had never gotten to experience. Her mind had been clouded with what she thought she was meant to be experiencing, but here now with Beatrice asking her, she wanted to give an answer she knew would be understood; to show Beatrice what lay beneath the jokes, and puns and the often infuriating self indulgent attitude. 

Beatrice had remained silent, not taking the bait that Ava had laid down. She knew it was a tactic too. She squeezed Ava’s hand gently, urging her on, letting her know that it was okay.

Ava relished in the feeling of Beatrice’s hand in her own, thumb butterflying across the back of it, just like it seemed to always do.

“There’s an energy… a vibration of sorts, just below the surface. It’s terrifying in that I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel when doing something I’ve never done before, but it also feels like something I never want to let go of. Its a swirling mix of yes and no in my mind; my body fills with a freedom… a…”

Ava couldn’t think of the right words, to help Beatrice understand. All she could think of to do was the exact same thing she did to show JC. But this time it was more than that. It meant more.

Beatrice meant more.

She raised their hands up above them and gently extracted her fingers from Beatrice’s so she didn’t startle her. Ever so carefully, Ava ghosted her finger tips up and down Beatrice’s own; an energy buzzed between them. It wasn’t anything like the time she had experienced it with JC. This time she could feel the energy building and she began to get lost in it. 

Ava didn’t know what home felt like. Not really. Not anymore but in that moment, everything she could hope it would feel like ebbed and flowed within her.

Beatrice turned her gaze from their shifting hands to Ava, watching a plethora of emotions cross her beautiful face. A wonder clenching at her heart but also an understanding that maybe the feeling was unquantifiable to Ava, that to place such restrictions on a gift from god could only be detrimental to the place it took her. 

“The only thing that could define the feeling, is the one I get when I’m with you… It feels like I’m experiencing you for the first time, every time and I know you have taken you’re vows but I haven’t and if that means I get to feel this way every time I’m with you… hell every time I see you, then I wouldn’t want to experience anything else again."

A smile ghosted Ava’s lips as she connected their hands once again, fingers fitting perfectly into previously empty spaces, as if sculpted for such things and bedded them onto the soft grass by her side. Ava turned her head to look at Beatrice who’s gaze was still upon her. It still amazed her that someone could look at her with kindness, with compassion, care. Her life hadn’t gone to any sort of plan after that fateful day but she was determined to make each moment she had now worth living; which is why as tears began to fall from Beatrice’s eyes, her heart clenched painfully. 

She’d never want to cause her distress or sorrow and eyes as beautiful as hers should not know tears. She reached over and wiped away the tears tracking their way down her cheeks with her thumb. Beatrice shifted then and used her hand not gripping Ava’s to wipe at her face, trying to remove any trace of her emotion. 

Ava knew that what she had said was a lot for Beatrice to hear. And she had selfishly let the words tumble from her lips; the heaviness of them too much to hold in any longer. She didn’t expect anything back, she knew that’s not where they were. 

She’d wait forever if that’s what Beatrice needed, if it meant she could continue to experience all of the things with her for the first time.

Both of them turned their eyes back to the blue, cloud peppered sky, words not needed in  the small space between them. 

Ava made a mental note that while she didn’t know if she believed or not, something other worldly had intervened and guided her here to these moments. 

And as Beatrice’s grip on her hand didn’t let up… she knew that her and her feelings were safe.