Locked (year 3)
Sirius had been more than ready for the summer to end.
It was strange standing outside, blinking in the sunlight after so many weeks inside, and Sirius felt almost dizzy, as he stood next to his brother and his cousin, sun burning against his skin, the wind whipping him back and forth.
He could swear that the outside world hadn’t this bright before. This...fluid.
“Are you alright?” Andy grabbed his arm, steadying him, and he realised he had been swaying slightly.
“Yeah,” he muttered, “The air tastes good today doesn’t it?”
Almost feeling the need to emphasize his point he parted his lips slightly in order to let the clean air enter his body. He may have been imagining it but it felt different from the air inside the house. Like it entered and exited his body as a liquid.
Andy looked at him strangely, “Don’t say that around anyone at school. Don’t- Just don’t be weird.”
Normally Sirius would feel offended but he just shrugged. She probably had a point. He hadn’t been around people in too long...
James could tell something had happened, even when Sirius purposely didn’t say anything.
“Did you get my letters?” James asked nervously, “I wrote as often as I could.”
“Yeah,” Sirius answered. He tried to give the other boy a reassuring smile, but it was almost as if he had forgotten how smiling works. His cheeks felt oddly stretched, and he couldn’t picture what his face looked like at the moment, “...thanks.”
James looked doubtful. “Are you...what…did…-”
Suddenly someone clapped his shoulder from beside, and Sirius’s entire body twitched involuntarily, jumping away from the danger instinctively. For a moment his father flashed before his eyes, and he held out his arms protectively trying to stop his father from grabbing him and dragging him to the stairs, throwing him down into the dark, with a box of matches thrust at his feet, and the door closed in his face before he even had the chance to protest.
But instead, his vision cleared and a round face looked up at him, and a familiar gapped tooth grin greeted him cheerfully, “Hiya, Sirius!”
“Oh….” Sirius could swear that he was shaking with relief as he looked into his friend's eyes. He wasn’t going down to the basement. He was outside. Sirius focused on the sun burning his skin. “Hey...Pete.”
“You alright?”
“Yeah.” Sirius ran a hand through his hair, feeling sweat had gathered on his scalp. Gross. “Of course.”
James continued to look at him strangely and seemed like he was about to say something when suddenly a shadow fell over the group.
“Hey, guys."
The three of them turned to see Remus approaching the group, his brown hair glinting in the sunlight, a thin cardigan pulled over a grey shirt, its top two buttons open.
Peter’s mouth fell open, “Holy shit.”
Sirius couldn’t agree more.
While they had all grown over the summer Remus had definitely gone for the prize. He was at least two heads taller than James who had always been the tallest of the group and Sirius realised with a sudden jolt that he himself was only a couple centimetres taller than Peter.
Remus had also grown tan over the summer, which none of the other’s had ever expected in a million years. Sirius also couldn’t help but notice that the boy’s arms seemed bigger than they had the year before, and his jawline seemed more defined.
“What?” Remus asked bashfully, and Sirius’s face heated when he realised that Remus’s voice had dropped too.
Holy fucking shit.
“Merlins left armpit, Rem.” James cried, “Did you get hot ?”
Remus immediately went red and crossed his arms over his chest, “No! Of course not!”
“Um, yeah you did.” Peter grinned, “You’re gonna be a total ladies man now! Did you get ripped?”
“ Huh ?”
“Look at those muscles, Lupin!” James laughed, grabbing Remus’s arm, “This is from farm work?”
“Er...yeah…” Remus ripped his arm away.
“Well shit.” James ran a hand through his hair messing it up, and Sirius knew that his friend was even more desperate to look cool now, “I gotta start working on a farm…”
“I wouldn’t recommend it.” Remus smirked, “You’re too fragile.”
“AS IF!” James yelled. “ME? FRAGILE? IF ANYONE'S FRAGILE IT'S PETE.”
"Oi!"
Remus continued to smile and he turned his head slightly, looking for the first time, directly at Sirius. Sirius felt his heart stop.
The corner of Remus’s mouth twitched for a moment and he averted his eyes before nodding slightly and saying, “Alright, Black?”
Holy shit.
“Yeah.” Sirius cleared his throat suddenly aware of the fact that his skin was paler than it had been in years and he probably smelled like shit from...well he didn't have too much time to shower when he was locked in a basement. “Miss me, Lupin?”
“Course not,” Remus blushed.
_ _ _ _
It was difficult being back on the train. Sirius hadn’t left the house in ages and it seemed like he had forgotten what it feels like to be someplace that wasn’t stationary. In fact, when the train lurched forwards Sirius felt so disoriented for a second he thought he may fall over. Instinctively he grabbed onto James’s shoulder, his knuckles turning white, and although the others all pretended not to notice anything he knew they did when Peter offered to switch seats with him so that he didn’t have to go backwards.
He declined, of course, but regretted it as soon as he did.
Somehow the time seemed to pass quickly enough though, and it wasn’t long before the train pulled up at Hogwarts. Sirius suspected they must’ve somehow shortened the travel time because it seemed like the time spent on the train had been a lot longer the years before than it was now. When he suggested this to the others though, they all just looked at him blankly, and he realised that he must’ve just felt this way because he had gotten used to spending time bored, after spending most of his summer separated from any type of human contact.
Maybe he’d gone mad.
_ _ _ _
“How are you?” Lily crushed him in a hug as soon as she caught sight of him, and Sirius had to try excruciatingly hard not to push her away when she did. “Sirius?”
She pulled away and grinned up at him.
“Hm?”
She quirked an eyebrow, “Nothing just….I expected you to tell me to fuck off or something.”
“Oh.”
Sirius pursed his lips. This was strange. This was very strange.
In that moment Sirius vaguely remembered how he and James used to tease Remus when he didn't talk. They would tease him for not knowing what to say in some situations, for staying silent when there seemed to be hundreds of things to say.
But somehow Sirius understood now.
He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to go to the effort of opening his mouth, and choking out sounds when he felt so...drained. What did people usually tell each other? All those moments with the marauders when he and James wouldn't shut up for hours on end- what had they been talking about? What had Sirius been talking about?
“Are you ok?” Lily blinked up at him, “What happened?”
Sirius bit his lip, “Um…” he couldn’t say ‘nothing’. Things did happen. But he didn’t want to go into detail. Was he supposed to lie? Was he supposed to make something up? Was he supposed to say anything at all? Why did Lily Evans care anyway?
“I….” He wanted to tell her. He wanted to tell someone. Instead he just ran his hand through his hair trying to copy what James looked like when he did it, “...Don’t pester me, Evans.”
Lily exchanged a look with Remus, who was playing with a loose string on his cardigan. Was he nervous? “You’re...acting different.”
Sirius once again didn’t know what to say. Would the old Sirius have responded to that? Probably.
He probably would’ve said something sarcastic, or snapped at her about something.
But somehow he couldn’t bring himself to do it. It seemed too much work.
“You’re worrying me.” Lily squinted at him, “Can you hear me? Are you listening?”
Sirius blinked, “Yes. Of course.”
Remus suddenly grabbed his hand, and it was as if a wall of something invisible slammed into him. He felt his heart beat in his ribcage and his fingertips buzz with energy, and the world around him seemed to go blurry as all he saw was Remus. The whole world stopped, and Sirius’s nerves tingled and the tips of Remus’s fingers made contact with his hand and brushed his palm, and Sirius couldn’t breathe.
Remus was holding his hand.
“Let’s go up to the dorm, yeah?” Remus said nervously and pulled Sirius along by the hand. As they passed Lily he whispered something to her before repositioning his hand so that he was now holding Sirius’s wrist. Sirius wished he hand’t done that, but he immediately suppressed that thought.
It’s because I haven’t been around anyone for too long , he told himself, I’m so desperate for human contact that I would even want Remus to hold my hand. That’s all.
_ _ _ _
Sirius didn’t speak for a while.
Once they reached the dorm he focused on the feel of his old mattresses underneath him, and the smell of the dorm, and the way that there were candles everywhere so that he never had to be in the dark again. This was home. Real home. He didn’t say anything when James and Peter came in, he didn’t say anything when they talked to him, and he didn’t say anything when they tried to get to him to eat the food they brought from the great hall.
He finally spoke up a few hours later when he had realised Remus wasn’t there anymore.
When he asked the others about it James and Peter exchanged a glance.
“He left an hour ago.” James said, “He wanted to go talk to Gideon.”
He wanted to go talk to Gideon.
Sirius felt….odd. He wasn’t happy about it. Of course, Remus would leave though. There was no reason for him to stay here when Sirius wasn’t saying anything.
He had held Sirius’s hand though. For a second. Just a second downstairs.
“Can you talk to me?” James leaned forward, and Sirius saw that his friend’s eyes were squinted, and shiny. “Please? Say something?”
Sirius felt oddly disconnected. This was James. This was his best friend James Potter. Shouldn't he feel...something.
Sirius shrugged, weakly, and let out a small sound if only to let the other boy know that he was listening.
“Sirius…” James’s voice broke, and something inside of Sirius snapped.
Pull yourself together.
“Sorry…” Sirius cleared his throat, “It’s just...strange being back.”
Behind James, Peter sat down on the ground and buried his face in his hands, and Sirius didn’t understand why he did it or what it meant but he felt a sickening hole open in his gut.
“You piece of shit.” James threw his arms around Sirius, and he didn’t let go.
It felt like Sirius melted into James, and his rigid body somehow started to relax.
This was James. This was his best friend.
He was...safe.
“What happened?”
“James,” He whispered, cringing at the way his voice cracked as it came out.
James tightened his grip, and Sirius' breath lurched out of him, and he wanted to tell him everything but he couldn’t.
"They did something didn't they?"
Sirius wanted to tell him, but he couldn't. When he tried to open his mouth all that came out was a small pathetic squeak. "James," He repeated, maybe only to remind himself that his friend was there, and real.
His parents….He should be grateful really. They hadn't done too much this summer. But he knew it would only get worse from now on.
He'd had a lot of time to think over the summer, and he realised now that there were some things that lasted forever while others crumbled and fell to the ground.
The basement had taught him that.
_ _ _ _
Regulus’s parents would be really fucking proud right now.
A week at Hogwarts and not a single word spoken.
A week at Hogwarts and five detentions.
A week at Hogwarts and thirty house points lost.
What a fucking treasure. He really was the cream of the fucking crop wasn’t he? One must be really fucking desperate to have someone like him be the favourite child. Although, Regulus thought bitterly, he may not have been doing anything productive but he hadn’t done anything to go against his parent’s either.
He wasn’t sure what his friends thought, if you could even call them that. Acquaintances, would probably be more appropriate, but that was depressing. Severus wasn’t….happy about it per se. But he didn’t seem concerned either. Mostly annoyed if a little knowing. Sometimes he would look at Regulus for a few seconds too long, or give him this glance with his eyebrows raised, or shake his head ever so slightly in a way that made Regulus want to slam his fist into a wall. But he kept those thoughts inside.
He had gotten good at that over the summer.
_ _ _ _
It was a strange experience being separated from everything. Regulus didn’t have very many friends. Didn’t possess very many items. He was an introvert, and he liked his peace, and he liked to sit in silence, and he enjoyed it when no one spoke to him for hours. But it had been different this summer.
Sirius was turning older and their parents weren’t going to put up with his shenanigans anymore. And apparently, Regulus needed to learn while he was still young.
It hadn't been too bad at first. But that's because at first it didn't effect him.
At first, it was only Sirius.
No dinner for Sirius.
Maybe no tea.
Maybe he was sent to his room.
And again.
And again.
And again.
And one day he just wasn’t sent to his room anymore.
But instead to the basement.
Regulus had never been in there for longer than a few minutes but he knew that it wasn’t the greatest experience. At the beginning, their parents had tossed in a box of matches too, as if to bate Sirius. As if to show him that they had power over them. But a box of matches could only do so much against a room of darkness.
Eventually, his hours in the basement turned into days, and those days were going by with no light.
And so Regulus took a risk.
It was only one box of matches. And he hadn’t even been the one to take them to Sirius. Although it wasn’t like Kreacher hadn’t been punished too.
His punishment didn't seem too bad at first. His parents decided to move Regulus into one of the guest bedrooms and Regulus felt almost excited for the first few minutes. Being alone wasn't really a punishment for someone like him. But then he had stayed locked in there for a few hours. And then for a few days. And eventually for a few weeks.
It had fucking sucked.
At first, Regulus kept his mind occupied. He counted numbers as far as he could. He did simple math equations. He made up stories in his mind. But it got more difficult as the time passed by. It was difficult to sleep, it was difficult to picture anything in his mind, and yet he was still tired. So goddamn tired. *
The only thing that never once grew difficult to picture was food.
He thought about it everyday.
Potatoes, carrots, creamy sauces, chicken, beef, steak, crisps, pies, pizza, burgers, fish and chips, spaghetti, cake and strawberries.
He had thought about what he would eat if he had all the food in the world, and he thought about what he wouldn’t eat if he had the opportunity too. He obsessed over it.
He thought about cooking hundreds of meals just to have them placed in front of him so that he could prove to himself that he was strong enough to prevent himself from trying any of it.
He thought about how much he would love to even just look at some food. Maybe smell it. Maybe even touch it.
Feel the texture, just to prove to himself, that it was real. That it existed.
Every few days Kreacher brought him food.
And every few days Regulus cried.
He ate the food. And then once Kreacher left he spent the rest of the days waiting for his next meal, telling himself how weak he was for eating the last one. And the cycle repeated itself.
*He had no books in the guest room. He had no wand. He had no quills, no parchment, nothing to keep his mind occupied.
It was easier to count what he did have. He had a bed. And a candle. Multiple even.
He also had a window.
It opened, it closed. It let in light, and air and warmth. If he wanted to, Regulus could have opened the window and slipped out. He could have climbed the outside of the wall and dropped to the ground, and he could have left and never gone back home again. Sirius probably would have. But Regulus wasn't his brother.
Sometimes he opened the window and sat on the sill, letting his feet dangle over the edge, and wondered what it would be like if he fell right then and there. Would he die? Break a bone? Two maybe? Would his parents find him? Or Kreacher? Would they care if they found him?
Eventually, the door had opened and Kreacher’s large tennis ball eyes had looked up at him and Regulus had realised that his parents didn’t even care enough to let him out of the room themselves.
“Where’s the key?” Regulus had asked the house elf, as the door had closed behind him, and he had followed Kreacher down the stairs to the dining room.
There was a second of silence before Kreacher said, “There is none.”
Regulus stopped in his tracks, "...What?"
Kreacher didn't repeat himslef.
It hadn’t been locked.
The door hadn’t been locked.
Regulus had lowered himself to the ground, his back against the wall, and his legs drawn up to his chest.
And for the eighth time that week, he cried.
“Do you have anything to say?” Orion had asked him when he'd stepped down the stairs.
Regulus hadn't wanted to say anything.
But he'd been so tired.
“I’m sorry,” he breathed.
“Do you realise what’s wrong with what you did?” Walpurga asked him sternly, her skeletal hands wrapped around a short stick and he realised it was his wand. "Do you, Regulus?"
He didn’t. He didn’t realise what was so horrible about helping someone. About helping his own brother.
“Yes.” He whispered, his eyes fixated on the ground.
He wondered if she would curse him with his own wand. That would be a sad irony. Not that she felt the need to do it.
They hadn’t even bothered to lock the door.
Did they trust him? Was that it? Or did they think he was too weak to leave? Did they think he wasn’t brave enough to stand up against them? That he didn’t have a mind of his own?
“Regulus. You are a Black. Do you know what this means?”
Orion slapped the back of his head when he didn't answer quickly enough.
“Yes.” He rasped, and for the first time in that exchange, he wasn’t lying. He looked up to meet his parent's eyes, “It means I’m your puppet.”
He didn’t talk anymore after that.
_ _ _ _
“Did you do the astronomy homework?” Severus asked him during supper, taking a sip of pumpkin juice. “You know it’s due tomorrow right?”
Suppressing the desire to scream Regulus lowered his head, looking at the other boy through his lashes, trying to somehow get the point across, without saying anything.
Don’t talk to me.
Severus rolled his eyes and took a bite of his lasagna. “Did you become mute over the summer, pretty boy?”
Shut up you slimy git, Regulus tried to say without actually using his voice. It may have even worked because Severus looked slightly insulted. He always looked slightly insulted though.
Regulus averted his gaze and immediately regretted it, when his eyes landed on Severus’s plate.
That lasagna looked good.
“Oi!” Severus snapped his fingers in front of the other boy, “Did you turn deaf too?”
Regulus flipped him off and got up from his seat. He didn’t need to continue watching people eat.
“You better finish that astronomy assignment you fucktart!” Severus yelled after him.
Oh, how much Regulus wanted to punch him.
As much as Regulus hated to admit it, this wasn’t looking too good for him. He was almost at the top of the staircase of the astronomy tower, but the last few steps seemed too far.
Too far. Too far. Too far. All he needed to do was copy one f the stupid constellations he could see from the window. And then he would be done.
Regulus stopped clumsily and pressed his hand against the stone wall for support. Fuck me.
Suddenly someone tapped his shoulder from behind, and Regulus spun around almost losing his balance. He blinked a few times and a yellow tie swam into focus. Fucking Hufflepuff.
Regulus blinked a few more times and recognized the Hufflepuff to be a girl in his year. Her hair was pulled into two buns at the top of her head, and her eyes were a bright brown so rich that he wanted to lean forward and count the small freckles of orange that seemed to be sprinkled in her irises. The girl held a thumb up and raised her eyebrows and he realised she may be asking if he's ok.
He nodded, but when he tried to step forward she grabbed a hold of him and wrapped a small arm around his lower back, steadying him. He would’ve probably jumped away if he could but he couldn’t so he allowed her to help him up the rest of the stairs.
Once they reached the top of the astronomy tower, he collapsed onto the ground, his knees and palms digging into the stone.
Deep breath in deep breath out.
He wanted to scream.
This was beneath him.
Stairs were beneath him.
School was beneath him.
Severus fucking Snape was beneath him, and his stupid fucking lasagna was beneath him too.
And Hufflepuffs? Hufflepluffs were definitely beneath him. Regulus shakily changed his position and lay his head in his hands. He couldn’t walk up stairs on his own. What was he- a fucking grandpa?
“I didn’t need your help.” He spat through gritted teeth, and it was the first time he had spoken in a long time. His voice came out in cracks, and low grumbles.
When he didn’t get an answer Regulus looked up angrily, only to see that the girl was observing him.
“What?” He barked, “What are you staring at?”
She tilted her head slightly and slowly with a thumb brushed over his palm, which was bleeding.
“Answer me.”
She looked at him like she knew something he didn’t.
“What? Say something!” he yelled, “Do you think you’re too good to talk to me? You’re wrong!”
Again she didn’t say anything, her face staying in a perfectly neutral expression.
“FUCKING SAY SOMETHING!”
Once again there was nothing.
Regulus shouldn’t be talking. He snapped his mouth closed, breathing out of his nose furiously. He wanted to laugh.
This was familiar. This was sickeningly familiar. Except that usually the roles were reversed. Usually, he was one not talking.
“It’s fine,” He let out an amused puff of air, “I understand…” He shouldn’t be talking. He wasn’t supposed to be anyone. He only talked when his parents needed him to talk. He only did what they told him to do, and he only thought what they wanted him to think.
The girl tapped his shoulder and Regulus blinked noticing that she was holding out a slip of parchment to him.
My name is Elise.
Regulus looked up at her and raised an eyebrow. She wasn’t looking at him though. She was looking at the note furiously and he realised that it had been folded in half. He unfolded it and turned the paper.
I’m deaf.
Regulus breathed out slowly. Oh.
“You can’t...hear me?” He asked stupidly.
Her lips twitched a bit and suddenly she was doing a movement with her hands, and they were flying in the air and he couldn’t help but feel mesmerized, as he watched.
“Oh.” He obviously hadn’t understood. But it looked beautiful. “Can you...read my lips?”
She shook her head earnestly, her lips drawn in a pout and her eyebrows pointed downwards and scribbled something on the note.
No, I’m just telepathic.
Regulus didn’t know what to say to that. He realised stupidly that she must be joking but the only person who had ever joked around with Regulus before was Sirius and he didn’t do that anymore.
She bent down and wrote something on the note again.
Do you need help walking down the stairs old man?
Regulus' face heated up, “No! Of course not!”
She gave him a small smile, and somehow Regulus felt like it was a rare thing for her to do. That was a strange thought considering she was a Hufflepuff, but he supposed even the badger people couldn’t be happy all the time.
The girl -Elise- shrugged, stood up, and brushed off her skirt before walking out of the astronomy tower.
Only later did he ever stop to wonder why she went up there in the first place.