Summer 1973- part 2
The first few days went by in a flash. Euphemia and Fleamont took the boys out on an expedition of the wizarding part of town, and they got to walk around the stores, looking at the different quills, owls, and wands, with James goggling at the newest brooms. “Look Sirius it’s got a pointed handle instead of a rounded one!”
Everyday James and Sirius would find something new to admire, and they would stand together their hands gripping each other’s forearms, bobbing along excitedly while Remus and Peter stood behind them their arms crossed and slight smirks on their faces. Remus knew that Peter especially enjoyed being able to explain certain functions and meanings to the other two, as they were often the ones having to explain things to him.
After a week when the days got too warm to do very much other than sit in the cool shade of James’s house, the moment that Remus had been dreading ever since he had befriended the others, finally came.
He had of course been swimming with the marauders before in year one, when Dorcas had taken a picture of them in the lake. On that occasion they had all been wearing their clothes, as it had been the last day of school and they hadn't bothered with wearing swimming trunks, or even taking off their robes.
Now though, as the marauders had dragged Remus down to the lake close to the Potter mansion, Remus was hyper aware of the fact that James, Peter and Sirius were all wearing nothing but a pair of swim shorts and several kilos of sunscreen.
“What’s the matter, Lupin? Scared of water?” James called cupping his hands, around his lips. He and the others were wading the shallow end of the lake but had turned around when they realised Remus wasn’t following.
Sirius brought a hand up above his forehead casting a shadow over his eyes, “You ok?”
Remus crossed his arms over his chest, “Yeah, I’m fine. I just...don’t really feel like going in the water.”
“You can leave your shirt on.” Peter said blunt as ever, as he squinted in Remus’s direction, “If you don’t want us to see your scars.”
“Huh?” Alarmed Remus stepped back, “No! That’s not- I didn’t mean- It wasn’t because- I don’t-”
James slapped Peter over the head, “You broke him.”
Remus continued to frantically wave his hands around, “I just- I don’t really feel like going in the water- it’s cold- and- and- uh-”
“It’s fine.” James said, shrugging, “You don’t have to.”
Remus could feel his face go red. Obviously, Peter had been right- it was because of his scars, but he wasn’t used to people reading him so easily. He wasn’t used to people knowing. Somehow it had almost been better when they hadn’t known…
“We can come out-” Sirius offered, already stepping towards him.
“Don’t!” Remus said, cringing. “Really, I don’t mind.”
Sirius raised an eyebrow, “You sure?”
“Yeah!” Remus looked around, “I’ll...I’ll get a book from inside.”
“Didn’t you finish your book yesterday?” Peter asked.
“I brought another.”
“Huh? How many did you bring?”
Behind Peter, Sirius and James were already starting to crack up.
Remus shrugged, not wanting to specify as he could tell they would obviously laugh at him. Bastards.
“...Enough. Just...enough.”
That evening after supper, James and his father challenged Peter to a match of wizard chess, which Remus was grateful for as it meant that he had a bit of time to sit a little further away from the rest, to take a breather.
The Potter’s mansion was beautiful, to say the least. Although Remus often didn’t feel comfortable in huge places like Hogwarts, where there seemed to be endless rooms and corridors he liked this house. It was big and expensive but somehow managed to still stay cozy. Pictures of James were scattered around the building, (Sirius teased him for it so much James started hiding them), and there were many large paintings hanging on portraits from the walls. Every room had creamy walls, and a warm glow to it, with colorful blankets, bouquets of flowers, and self drawn pictures of different sceneries; a forest, a cabin on a mountain, and a frog sitting by a lake, which made it seem like the house was never ending and like each corner could introduce you to a whole new world.
Remus just needed a moment.
Having lived in the same small house in a small village all of his life Remus was used to quiet. Remus was actually kind of used to being lonely. But in the Potter’s house you were never either of those things.
It was like everything was building up, all at once. His eyes were seeing too many things, like the piece of hair that stuck out on James’s head, and the way Peter’s skin around his bare ankles crinkled when he sat down.
His nose was smelling too many things, like the smell of James’s new cologne, which was obnoxious, and the smell of Euphemoa’s cooking that still tainted the whole house.
His eardrums were hearing too many things, vibrating like crazy for every time Peter squealed, or James jumped up or his father told them to calm down.
“Are you feeling anxious?”
Sirius sat down beside Remus and straightened his legs out on the floor. He was wearing one of James’s t-shirts, as he didn’t own very many muggle clothes, and an oversized flannel was draped over his bare arms. Personally Remus thought it looked better on Sirius than it did on James but he didn’t say it, as it seemed sort of awkward.
“Hm?” Remus looked up at him and realised he hadn’t been moving. “No.”
Sirius shrugged, “You look it.”
“I’m not.” Remus said. He paused. “Ok I am a little bit. But not that much. I just...need a moment.”
Sirius nodded, looking satisfied. “Alright.”
Remus took a deep breath and leaned his head back.
“Do you want me to go?” Sirius asked after a few seconds.
“No it’s fine,” Remus answered, closing his eyes. Having Sirius around wasn’t too draining.
There was another pause, and Remus listened to the sound of Sirius’s breathing, focusing only on that.
He tried to tune out James yelling, and Peter laughing, and Euphemia’s cooking, and James’s cologne, and focused only on the dark behind his lids. He focused on the way that Sirius smelled like Sirius but also a bit like old books and dust probably because of the clothes he was wearing, and the way his breath sounded like a song because of its rhythmic pattern.
Somehow it wasn’t too much anymore. Remus didn’t feel overwhelmed, in fact now that he was thinking about it he felt underwhelmed.
He wanted more.
He wanted to see the glint in Sirius’s grey eyes, and he wanted to smell that specific Sirius Black smell mixed with dust and he wanted to feel Sirius hand on his like he did at school sometimes.
Remus slowly, without opening his eyes, leaned his head down and rested it against Sirius’s shoulder. He could feel the other boy shift and for a second his lips were close to Remus’s forehead and he could feel the boys hot breath on his skin but then that second was over and instead Sirius just lightly reached out a finger and tapped it against Remus’s. Remus tapped back.
He could hear Siruis’s breath as he chuckled softly before feeling another tap on his skin. Remus opened his eyes and looked up, noticing Sirius looking down at him.
“Better?” Sirius asked, after a moment.
But Remus couldn't answer. He wanted to reach his hand out again and tap Sirius’s finger, but that would be weird now, he realised. With his eyes closed it was fine, but now that Remus could see and hear and feel things that weren’t Sirius again, it seemed an unreachable task.
“Yeah,” Remus said finally, leaning away from the black-haired boy. “Just...a bit socially drained.”
“I’m proud of you,” Sirius teased, “You lasted almost a whole week.”
“Oh shut up.” Remus said half-heartedly, “I’m not antisocial. You act as if I’ve never been around humans before.”
But Remus couldn’t really focus on the words he was saying. For a moment before, just a single second when he had looked up into Sirius’s eyes he had thought that maybe just maybe Sirius could be considered beautiful.
Like a painting.
Every stroke to perfection.
But Remus didn’t think that anymore. Of course, he didn’t. Sirius Black wasn’t beautiful.
That would be like admiring mars, itself. Perhaps it would be beautiful from up close, but you could never know. You would never find out. You would never get close enough to mars, to see its real colour, to experience its true beauty, to see every little detail and every little flaw. Mars is mars, and Sirius Black is Sirius Black and although both are well known neither are close, and neither should be close.
“Well, I’m glad you’re better,” Sirius said, smiling.
“Me too.” Remus smiled back.
But somehow he was only getting worse.
_ _ _ _
“What’s wrong James? Euphemia asked a few days before school was supposed to start again. “You’ve been quiet.”
James sat at the kitchen table watching out the window. The unused swings outside rattled a bit, and the lake behind them swirled, proving that there would be a summer storm approaching them that very day.
James shrugged. In truth, he felt almost...guilty. Like he had been hiding something from his parents that he shouldn’t be. It was almost strange how much James told his parents. You would think a troublemaker like him wouldn’t be too keen on telling them things, but he told them everything.
Except this.
“You can tell me, James.” Euphemia drew out a chair and sat down next to him, also looking out the window.
James knew that, but this felt different. It felt like he was invading someone’s privacy. Like he was asking a forbidden question about a topic that was always supposed to be avoided.
“What do you think about homosexuals, ma?” James asked after a moment. He could feel his heart starting to beat faster. Would she be angry that he allowed one in their house?
Immediately he recoiled at the thought.
That made it sound like they were animals. They were just...people.
James wanted to bury his face in his hands- why did he find this more difficult than when he found out about Remus’s lycanthropy?
“Homosexuals?” Euphemia asked, sounding surprised.
“As in…” James paused uncomfortably, “Like, men who fancy men.”
“I know what you mean, James. I just...wasn’t sure I understood why you would ask. What do you think about the topic?”
James could feel the tip of his nose go red, “I don’t know. Whatever you say I suppose.”
Euphemia bonked him on the head, “James Potter you’re a teenager now. You can make your own decisions.”
“Ow! Mum!”
“Answer the question, James.”
He huffed in annoyance. “They’re fine I suppose.”
His mother didn’t answer for a moment, and he could see something sad in her eyes. Almost like pity, or...disappointment?
That hurt.
“Why only fine?”
Again he could feel his nose grow warm, “I don’t know! People are always...I mean they’re always represented as….I didn’t think...”
He couldn’t seem to put his thoughts into words. How was he supposed to feel when all he had ever been told about something was bad, and all of a sudden a person he loved was one of those bad things? “People don’t like them.” He finished weakly.
Euphemia sighed, “People don’t like what they don’t understand.”
“Huh?”
“People don’t like me sometimes.” She said watching as the trees outside rustled, “You know that don’t you James?”
He glared suddenly angry, “But that’s only because you’re punjabi! And you’ve never even lived in India! They just don’t like the colour of your skin- They don't know-”
“They don’t know me.” Euphemia finished. “People assume things because of who I am. People assume things because of who you are too, James. And people assume things because of the way your friends Remus and Sirius are too.”
James scrunched his nose, “Wait what?”
Euphemia looked away from the window, “What is it?”
“What do you mean, Remus and Sirius? I never said- Sirius’s isn’t...queer.”
Euphemia scrunched her eyebrows in confusion in a way that looked a lot like James, “I’m sorry, I thought-” She stopped herself, “Sirius hasn’t come out then, yet?”
“Like...as in...he said...No. No ma, Sirius isn’t queer at all. And Remus hasn’t said anything yet either, but I know that he has a crush on a boy.”
“Oh, that’s what it is then.” Euphemia looked away again, “I knew there was something going on there.”
Again, James shook his head, “No! Not-” He grunted out of frustration, “Remus has a crush on this boy in the year above us. Not Sirius!”
Euphemia's lips parted slightly, “Oh. Interesting.”
“What do you mean?” Suddenly James felt like he was the one being left in the dark, “What’s interesting?”
She sighed and ruffled his hair, “Nothing James.”
He jerked away from her, “Mum! Tell me!”
She took her hand away, and looked him in the eyes deeply, “I want you to listen to me, James. No matter what you’ve been told about something in the past, don’t let it affect your opinions on things. Only believe something once you’ve seen it for yourself. Understand?”
James furrowed his eyebrows together, “No...what if I know it’s true even if I haven’t seen it myself?”
His mother sighed, “I suppose there are some things you’ll never be able to see yourself...but James. There will always be negative aspects you’re told about things. About people, about places, about situations. I want you to look for the positive in a situation. I want you to see the good in a person.”
James could feel his stomach start to hurt. He desperately wanted to tell her about Remus. About Remus’s bigger secret.
“Sometimes you can’t find the good in something.” He found himself mumbling.
Euphemia’s hand wrapped around his, “You can always find it if you look hard enough.”
“No.” James insisted, suddenly feeling hopeless. “Not always.”
“James-”
“What about Lycanthropy?” He suddenly rasped, before he could stop himself. “What’s the good in that?”
Immediately he regretted saying anything. He couldn’t tell his mother, he knew this. He knew he couldn’t tell anyone- not his parents, not the teachers, not his friends outside of the marauders. Not a soul. His hands shook, and he tried to unclasp his fingers from his mother’s but she held on tightly.
After a long pause he felt her shift beside him, “Some people see the moon, James. Others experience it.”
_ _ _ _
The first time Remus had gotten a letter from Gideon he thought he may throw up. It had been a couple days after the full moon and he had coincidentally just picked up a pen and paper to write a letter to Sirius. It was still in the afternoon but his bones ached, his skin was blue from stretch marks, and his lips were parched no matter how much he drank, and somehow when his mother had suggested to go stargazing that evening the first thought that struck his mind was Sirius.
The way his black hair blended into the night, the way his eyes glinted reflecting stars in his grey irises, and the way his skin looked pale in the moonlight. But just as he was trying to find the words to write his father had brought in a letter saying that a young , fat, owl had just flown in with it.
Remus’s first thought had been that the letter was from James or Lily, maybe even Peter and maybe if Sirius wasn’t in too much trouble at home from the black haired boy. Instead, it was written in a bubbly handwriting he didn’t recognize and instead of black or blue ink it was written in a grassy green colour.
From: Gideon :)
To: Remus Lupin
Immediately the butterflies inside of Remus’s stomach had gone ballistic, fluttering around his entire body making his fingers tremble as he ripped open the letter.
Dear Remus Lupin,
You said we could keep in touch over the summer so….here I am. I hope you didn’t forget. I’m in Paris right now, with my brother and my sister, Molly. It was her last year at school, and now my parents wanted to take her somewhere to celebrate. Somehow they decided my brother and I needed to be there too, even though we’re the disappointments of the family. Apparently pranks aren’t “what we should be focusing on right now” and aren’t a very reliable source of pride. I disagree, but here I am anyway, running from one quidditch match to another. My mum keeps trying to get me interested in Quidditch because she thinks it will make me more of a man. What do you think?
Anyway, that was it. Feel free to write back. How’s your summer going?
Yours,
Gideon.
After he had read the letter Remus hadn’t been able to do anything other than lock himself in his room and reread it over and over again.
Yours, Gideon.
His?
His Gideon? Was Gideon his? Gideon wasn’t his. Gideon was just Gideon.
His mum wanted him to be more of a man? Remus supposed Gideon did wear make up more than other guys but that didn’t make him less of a man. What do you think?
What did he think? What did he think about Gideon becoming more of a man? Remus felt himself blushing at the very thought. Trying to make his handwriting as little shaky as possible he started writing to Gideon. Gideon Prewett.
The whole time he couldn’t help a small excited smile curling at his lips. At last before finishing off the letter he took a deep breath and added, Regarding what your mother said. I like you the way you are- just the right amount of manliness. Don’t fix what isn’t broke, right?
Yours,
Remus Lupin
And with his face as red as a cherry tomato, and his hands clammy and shaking, Remus picked up the letter and tied it back onto the owls leg, before he could stop himself.
And that’s how it had begun.
Come to think of it, Remus never got to writing that letter to Sirius after all...