New Years Eve (year 2)
11:30 pm
Regulus opened the window, letting the cool winter air breeze into the room, making him shiver slightly. There was a knock at the door, and it creaked open, and Regulus could sense a small figure waddling towards him, from behind.
“Master. Kreacher has brought water, as Master has asked.”
Regulus turned around and accepted the glass of water from the house elf.
“Cheers.”
With the door open, Regulus could hear the guests chattering all the way from downstairs. Kreacher was about to leave again but before he could Regulus nudged the door closed. “Stay,” he said before he could stop himself. He took a sip of water and watched as the house elf awkwardly stopped and stood in front of the door. Regulus wanted to hit himself. What was he thinking? Blacks didn’t talk to houselves. Blacks didn’t want houselves as company unless they were doing their bidding.
But Regulus was...lonely. In all honesty he couldn’t be alone right now. Not still. Not again. Even if it meant keeping a house elf as company. If his mother found it….she wouldn’t.
“How’d you like new years, Kreacher?” Regulus asked, setting down his water and sitting on the corner of his bed. The house elf didn’t answer. Not that Regulus had really expected an answer. “You know what I think?” Regulus continued, “I think it’s absolute bollocks.” He lay down on his bed, and looked up at the ceiling. There was a crack on the right side.
Not very noble.
“Why would anyone want to celebrate the start of a new year? Doesn’t that just mean more boredom? More...nothing.”
“Kreacher does not know these things, Master. Kreacher lives to serve the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black.”
“Alright, alright,” Regulus sighed.
“Kreacher must attend celebration downstairs, Master.”
“Don’t leave.” Regulus snapped, almost desperately. Was he going insane? Probably. He almost wanted to laugh. In fact he could feel his lips curling into a smile, as he started speaking again, “You know what's funny Kreacher? I’ve been at Hogwarts for...what? Four months now? And you know what? I don’t have a single friend.” Regulus laughed, and raised his hands up to his face. “Isn’t that just...fucking fantastic? Isn’t that hilarious?”
11:40 pm
“Kreacher doesn’t-”
“Yeah you don’t know, I get it. Whatever. I don’t really know either.”
Kreacher didn’t say anything. Regulus wondered if he was even reacting at all. Maybe he was nodding. Or shaking his head. Or wringing his hands, or doing something, but Regulus wasn’t actually looking at him.
“Kreacher…” Regulus took his hands away from his face, “I can’t eat.”
There was silence again, and Regulus heard the wind howl outside.
“Why is Master not being eating?”
Regulus laughed but all he could feel was pain in his chest.
“I don’t know. I don’t know.” He sat up and wiped his hands on his trousers, to see that Kreacher had picked up his half empty glass of water, and was now holding it out towards him, silently. His tennis ball eyes stared at him.
“Thanks.” Regulus took another sip of water, shakily.
“Kreacher doesn't have friends either, Master. Kreacher was born to serve.”
Regulus tapped his fingernails along the glass. “Sometimes I feel like I was born to serve." He shook his head, "It sounds stupid....but...I don't know. I'm not like Sirius. Or Andy. I don't...I odn't make my own decisions. I'm not strong...I just..." He laughed bitterly, “I don’t know who I'm serving but it's not myself. It's not. All I can hope is...that it’s for some kind of good cause, you know?”
Kreacher shook his head, “You are wizard. You are not born to serve. You are strong.”
Regulus laughed again, “Sure I am.”
11:55 pm
“You know what Kreacher?” Regulus held up his glass as if toasting someone, “Fuck having friends. Fuck siblings. Fuck eating. You’re my friend now.”
Kreacher didn’t say anything.
Regulus sighed, “You say you were born to serve? Serve me this way- make sure I don’t die alone somewhere in a ditch with no one caring about my absence. Make sure something I do one day before I die matters. ”
The house elf made a weird sound and when Regulus looked over he could swear that maybe just maybe it could’ve been something like a laugh.
“Kreacher will do his best Master.”
“Cheers, mate.”
The house elf turned to leave once more and this time Regulus didn’t stop him.
12:00 am
“Oh and Kreacher?” Regulus looked up at his ceiling, focusing on the crack in his wall, “Happy new year.”
The door squeaked shut.
_ _ _ _
Over the holidays time seemed to pass on double speed. Sirius made sure never to be alone, as he knew that would trigger thoughts and feelings that he couldn’t deal with. He was always outside having snowball fights with the marauders or going to the library with Remus when no one else wanted to or trying to convince Peter of something stupid like that the moon was made of cheese (Peter almost believed him before Remus told him the truth), or inventing games with James who was growing more and more competitive as time went on. In fact, the only time Sirius had been truly alone that holiday was when he had finally opened the gift from Andromeda which turned out to be a string necklace with a gold, lion pendant attached to the end.
Sirius didn’t wear it.
Surprisingly Sirius was also glad that the girls had stayed over the holidays too. He knew the only reason Dorcas stayed was because her parents couldn’t afford to have her home. Marlene obviously went where Dorcas went so that was out of the question, but Lily was still a mystery to him. Although he liked both Dorcas and Marlene, he still couldn’t seem to have a conversation without snapping at the redheaded girl. Not that it was a problem since she pretty much felt the same way.
On New Year’s Eve after the Gryffindors had eaten their dinner they’d decided to all go up to the common room together. They were some of the only students that had stayed over the holidays that year especially in Gryffindor where there were only four or five older students that had remained.
“Oi, Pete you miserable lump, wake up!” Sirius snapped his fingers in Peter's face, who winced and squeezed his eyes shut. “It’s only Ten PM.” Peter, who was curled on the couch next to Sirius with his feet propped up against Sirius’s legs, didn’t budge.
“Come on!” James said cheerfully, “Sirius is right, we need to stay awake until at least midnight.”
“Do we?” Remus murmured. He was sitting crisscrossed on a smaller couch, opposite the other marauders, and closer to the flames of the fire place. His hair looked almost orange in the warm light, and his eyes were a bright caramel colour. His arms were crossed over his chest, and the excess fabric of the oversized sweater he was wearing bunched at his torso and wrists.
“Well, time would pass a lot quicker if we played a game.” Dorcas who was sitting next to Remus suggested. They had arranged the furniture in the common room, so that all the sofas, couches and chairs were in a large circle facing each other, with a small space in the middle.
“Like, what?” Remus asked nervously.
“Perhaps truth or dare.” Marlene sat down on the floor in the middle of all the chairs, “You know it, don’t you Remus?”
“Yeah.” Remus said, “I’ve never played it before though.”
“How do you play?” James asked his nose scrunching in a way that made it apparent he was feeling competitive.
“Don't get too excited Potter, it's not a game you can win. Red? A bottle please.”
Lily sighed and handed Marlene an empty bottle that she set down in front of her lap, before promptly explaining the rules to everyone. “Got it?” She asked looking around.
“That’s stupid,” Sirius said.
Marlene threw a shoe at him. “Got it?” She repeated.
“Alright, fine.” Sirius grumped, “But I bet it won’t be fun.”
Remus smiled sitting down on the floor and his sweater slipped down past his shoulders, revealing a small patch of pale skin. “Come on, Sirius lighten up.”
All of a sudden Sirius felt warm, and he shrugged nonchalantly sitting down on the carpet too, making sure not to look at Remus for too long.
“Alright let’s start,” Lily said, and the rest of the group positioned themselves on the floor, making a circle around the bottle.
Marlene went first and the bottle landed pointing at James. “Truth or dare?” She asked.
James shrugged, throwing his hands up, “Come on McKinnon, I’m a Gryffindor!"
Lily rolled her eyes and Drocas giggled.
“Dare then? Hmmm…” Marlene thought for a moment then grinned wickedly looking over at Lily, “I dare you...to take off your shirt.”
“Woah there, McKinnons a little desperate don’t you think?” James asked, but nevertheless, he slipped off his shirt, making a big show out of it, and spinning it around over his head.
“Huh.” Marlene eyed him for a moment before shrugging, You don’t have a six pack after all. Damn. I owe Lily a whole Galleon...”
Lily smirked, "You can put your shirt back on, Potter."
“Oi! That's why you wanted me to take off my shirt?” James cried, thrusting his shirt back on again. “That’s mean!”
“A dare is a dare. Your turn Potter.”
And so the game continued.
James dared Peter to speak in an American accent for the rest of the evening, Peter dared Lily to sing the alphabet backwards, Lily dared Marlene to give James a foot massage and so on. There were also a few truths, such as what was the most embarrassing thing you’d ever done- Sirius recounted about three until James stopped him, and what’s your biggest insecurity- this time Remus was the one that recounted multiple until the group stopped him after half a minute.
11:30 pm
After a few rounds it was Dorcas’s turn to spin the bottle, which landed on Sirius.
“Truth,” Sirius said, taking a sip of pumpkin juice which James and Peter had snuck out from the kitchen a few hours before.
“Why did you cut your hair?” Dorcas asked, innocently. Sirius immediately tensed up but she didn’t seem to be making fun of him. She seemed honestly curious; her eyes were bright and wide in a very Dorcas like way and her lips were in a small smile. Sirius was suddenly aware of everyone’s eyes on his fringe. In all honesty, Sirius had no idea.
Why had he cut his hair? Did he think it would piss off his parents? Well, yeah. Did he always dream of the day he could get a fringe? Not really. It hadn’t really been a planned event, it just...happened. But then again....he guessed it may have been a force of habit...seeing as he knew his brother and cousin would've been getting their hair cuts around that time too....
Sirius shrugged, trying not to show his thoughts on his face, “Just wanted a change I suppose.”
No one really said anything but James was looking at him like he knew exactly what was going on in Sirius’s head. That bastard.
“Besides,” Sirius winked at Dorcas, “It looks good doesn’t it?”
Finally when it was almost midnight and the group was getting more and more tired, and their faces were starting to flush in the sort of way they always did when you had been laughing non stop for too long, and your body was warm and tingly from the giddy feeling you got from staying up late, it was Marlene’s turn to dare Lily.
Her dark brown eyes glinted wickedly, and she crossed her legs, leaning back. “I think I’ll spice it up a bit…”
“Ooooh…” Sirius and James immediately sang on queue, making everyone laugh.
“I dare you,” Marlene said leaning back against a couch, “To kiss one of the boys.”
Lily’s eyes widened, and she let out a strangled sound. For a moment her and Marlene made eye contact and they seemed to have a whole conversation made only of eye rolls, and head nods and lip quirks, the way the girls somehow always managed to do.
“Alright.” Marelene waved her hand at the boys, “Choose your pick.”
“I hate you.” Lily muttered.
“No you don’t.” Marlene grinned.
“Come on, we haven’t got all day Evans.” Sirius complained snapping his fingers.
Lily glared at him before closing her eyes, taking a deep breath and suddenly pressing her lips against Remus’s before pulling away again. Marlene, Dorcas and Peter all erupted into cheers, and whoops laughing. Lily’s face was as bright as a tomato as she leaned back into her original spot. Remus didn’t say anything, but his mouth was open slightly and he had that blank look in his eyes that he often got when he felt overwhelmed. Sirius didn’t say anything either, not even to join in the teasing, or laughing. He just stared at the other boy, feeling cold for a second before going warm. So incredibly warm, like fire was trickling through his body and acid was boiling in the pit of his stomach. Lily kissed Remus.
Remus kissed Lily.
Sirius didn’t know what to do. How did one act in these situations? Why wasn’t he laughing? What was this feeling?
He remembered feeling something similar before. When his parents would treat Regulus differently just for being in Slytherin.
Betrayal? Jealousy? ...longing?
But none of those made sense.
Sirius looked over at James and saw that the other black haired boy wasn’t saying anything either. The tip of his nose had gone pink, and his mouth was in a firm line. He didn’t ruffle his hair, or push up his glasses, or smirk, or raise his eyebrows he just stared. At Lily. At Remus.
“Guys!” Dorcas suddenly called out looking at her watch, “It’s midnight! Happy new year!”
“HAPPY NEW YEAR!” Marlene called even louder, pulling the other two girls into her arms, Lily still as red as a beet.
“Hey,” James, who had come out of his trance said, clapping Sirius on the chest. He ran a hand through his hair and smirked, “Happy new year, mate.”
“Yeah.” Sirius tried to smile but something still felt weird, “Happy new year.”
12:00 am
_ _ _ _ _
After everyone had had enough pumpkin juice to drink, and muffins to eat, the gryffindors started heading back upstairs to go to bed. But before Remus could follow James up, Lily caught his sleeve, “Hey.”
Remus immediately felt his hands start to shake, and he stuffed them into his pockets, “Hey.”
“Are you avoiding me?” Lily asked hesitantly.
Was he? Probably. “No.”
“Look, I’m…” She took a deep breath and her face started to turn red, “I’m sorry about uh...kissing you. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
Remus didn’t know what to say so he said what came instinctively to him, “It’s fine. Don’t worry.”
“I didn’t...make you uncomfortable?” Lily asked, her eyes brightening, “It was ok, then?”
Remus nodded, “Yeah it was...good.”
“Good?” Lily smiled, looking down at the ground. She nodded slightly, and her lips were stretched, so wide it looked like she was trying hard not to smile. “Good.”
Remus was about to leave again before Lily stopped him. “Would you maybe...want to go on a walk tomorrow? Just the two of us?”
Remus hesitated. Normally he would say yes without a problem, as he and Lily went on walks together often. But this felt...different. For some reason he felt like his answer held a lot of weight. Normally Lily didn’t have to specify that it would be just the two of them.
Although normally Lily didn’t kiss him.
“....ok.”
“Ok?”
“...yeah.”
“Good!” Lily smiled, her teeth gleaming, and her eyes almost seeming to go greener.
“Good,” Remus said awkwardly.
Had he just agreed on a date with Lily Evans?
Remus hoped not.
_ _ _ _
Peter was confused. In all honesty it was an emotion he had pretty much gotten used to at this point, but it was still...confusing. And uncomfortable.
He didn’t like it.
On the first of January, after lunch, Remus and Lily had gone off on a walk together, and no one had been allowed to go with them. Lily wasn’t wearing her usual uniform either. Instead she was wearing a woolen red skirt, and had fashioned a matching red bow into her hair. Now, about an hour or two after the pair had left, the remaining marauders plus Dorcas and Malene were anxiously awaiting their return in the common room. Dorcas and James had started a chess match, but James seemed distracted and kept letting Dorcas win, which he usually did anyway as she sucked at chess, but this time it was a lot more obvious than all the other times. Sirius, also seemed distracted as was just kind of sitting on the floor looking out into space.
“What’s taking them so long?” James asked, setting up the chess pieces once again after Dorcas had knocked down his queen.
Sirius who was laying on the floor, looking up at the ceiling shrugged, “What are they doing anyway? I thought they were just walking. Who on earth walks for this long?”
Peter couldn’t believe why they all seemed so interested in this, “Who cares? Why don’t we do something fun?”
“Nothing is fun.” Sirius grumbled. Ah, he was in one of those moods again.
“Shut up, Sirius.” Peter said, “Everything is fun, except for this. This sucks.”
“Then go do something fun!” Sirius said, “I don’t want to.”
Peter sighed heavily, “What’s the matter with you two?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Marlene smirked, “They’re jealous…”
“No!” Sirius sat up so abruptly his neck cracked. “What would make you think I'm jealous of...of Evans? Why would I be?”
“Not of Lily, you dult.” Marlene hit him with a book, “Of Remus.”
“Huh?” This time, Sirius seemed genuinely confused, which Peter could wholeheartedly relate to.
“I’m not jealous of anyone.” James spat. “There’s nothing to be jealous about.”
“They’re going on a date,” Marlene cried, “Neither of you lot have been on a date before and you’re jealous. It’s fine.”
“It’s not a date.” James said disgustedly, “Remus doesn’t even know what a date is. It’s practically not even part of his vocabulary. He doesn’t know these things. He’s oblivious. He’s not into girls or anyone for that matter. He’s not into Evans.”
“Whatever you say, Potter.” Marlene sighed.
“-I mean he would’ve told me.” James continued.
“Who cares?” Peter groaned again, although he knew he would get ignored.
Suddenly the portrait door swung open and Lily and Remus tumbled inside. For a moment they stood there taking in the scene in front of them before Remus wordlessly walked out of the common room and upstairs to the guys' dorm. Lily, whose face was pink, either from the cold or something else, stood still for another second or two, before heading out of the common room as well, and going to the girls dorm. Marlene and Dorcas quickly jumped up to follow her.
The marauders exchanged a questioning look.
“....what just happened?” Sirius was first to speak.
“I...don’t know…”
“Pete.” Sirius snapped his fingers, “Go check on Remus.”
“Why me?” Peter whined.
“Cuz James and I are pouting. Merlin, Peter! Come on!”
“Yeah Peter! Jeez!”
“God, fine.” Peter put his hands up in the air and jumped up from the couch, plodding up the stairs, and pushing the door open.
“Remus?”
_
“So what happened then?” Marlene nudged Lily’s arm, beckoning for Lily to continue telling the other gryffindor girls what had happened during the date.
“Well, I could tell he was really nervous.” Lily reasoned, “And so...I...well I took his hand.”
_
“A-a-and then she took my hand-” Remus stammered, grabbing Peter’s hand for emphasis, “And I didn’t know what to do! I mean...I’ve never held hands with a girl before! How do you even-? I mean-? What-? Why-?”
“Ok, ok, calm down.” Peter said, “What did you do then?”
_
“Well, I could feel that his hand was getting all sweaty and I felt bad, because I knew that it was my fault.”
“Oh Lily,” Marlene shook her head, “This is stupid. You know Remus he’s just a nervous wreck. You should’ve known that would happen.”
Lily rolled her eyes, “Yeah but I didn’t think, he would be this nervous. But I just felt bad so-”
“What did you do then?”
“Well, I asked him about yesterday again. Or...this morning I guess.”
_
“Well w-w-what was I supposed to say?” Remus cried, “Of course I told her it was alright!”
Peter almost had to laugh but he tried to keep his cool, feeling very importnat, “Did you say alright? What was your exact wording?”
“I just- I don’t-”
“Alright deep breaths, Rem.”
Remus paused and took a deep exaggerated breath, before nodding and continuing.
“And then...she...uh...well she-”
_
“I kissed him.”
“You what?” Marlene shrieked. Dorcas’s mouth hung wide open. “Did he combust?”
“No!” Lily put her face in her hands, “It was worse.”
“What did he do?” Marlene asked, “What did he do?”
“Is he ok?” Dorcas asked.
“Oi!” Marlene snapped, “He should be grateful he even got a kiss from her!”
Lily’s face was bright red again. “He asked me...if it was a date.”
“What?” Marlene and Dorcas said at the same time. “What else would it be?”
“Well, naturally….I said, yes.”
“Obviously,” Marlene said.
“Of course,” Dorcas said.
“And then?”
_
“A-and then...I...I broke up with her.”
“You what?”
_
“He what?”
“The nerve of that boy!”
“No, it’s fine.” Lily shrugged, though her face was still cherry red. “I think he was as shocked as me. I mean it’s not like we were...together. Like dating you know? I mean we were on a date but- I don’t know. I’m not angry I’m just….it was weird.”
“Well was the kiss any good?” Marlene asked.
“It was…” Lily paused, and a range of emotions crossed her face, “Strange.”
“Strange?” Dorcas asked. “Good or bad?”
“...Ok.”
There was a pause. Marlene looked at Dorcas and then at Lily and then at Dorcas again, “Well that’s the blandest fuckin thing i’ve ever heard.”
_
“And now James is angry at me!” Remus concluded. He leaned his head against the wall, “I don’t want James to be angry at me. I didn’t even like her. Not that way.”
“Well, not only James,” Peter muttered bitterly.
Remus jumped, “What? Why? Who?”
Peter cringed slightly, “Um...Sirius.”
“Sirius is mad at me?” Remus asked, “Why? Holy crap does he fancy Lily?”
“I don’t actually know…” Peter muttered, “But he didn’t seem to be in the best of moods, while you were gone.”
“Oh.” Remus shrunk down again, “Is he in one of those moods?”
“Yeah seems it.” Peter sighed. The marauders had already gotten used to Sirius’s mood swings so Remus automatically knew what Peter was referring too. Still, it didn’t make it any better.
"Well...I'll....I'll tell him to snap out of it. I mean...It's not my fault Lily asked me out! How was I supposed to say no to that?"
"I don't know Rem...No one's ever asked me on a date before." Peter said shrugging.
Remus sighed, "You're not missing much." He glanced out of the window for a second.
"The audacity!" He finally spat.
"Of Lily?" Peter asked puzzledly.
"What?" Remus's head snapped away from the window, "No, Sirius." He said it as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Ah right, right...Why are we talking about Sirius again?"
"I can't believe he's in one of those moods! Maybe he should go on a date with Lily- see how he likes it!"
"Er....ok."
"I mean with all the....the hand holding...and t-the kissing...." Remus continued, "And the like....you know...Let's see how Sirius would act in that situation."
Peter shifted awkwardly, "Right."
"I wouldn't be angry at him, if he went on a date!" Remus said, "In fact, I would be supportive!"
There was a pause.
"Do you think Sirius was jealous of me?" Remus asked finally.
"...I don't know?"
Remus huffed, "Well he shouldn't be. Or maybe he was jealous of Lily?"
"I don't think he wants to go on a date with you, Rem."
"No!" Remus's cheeks went pink, "I mean- because- because- maybe he thinks Lily is stealing me as a friend or something- right?"
"Uh....maybe."
"Do you think that maybe that's the reason?" Remus asked drawing his knees up to his chin, "Maybe he's just jealous because the thinks he's losing me as a friend."
Peter didn't say anything. In all honestly he had absolutely no idea what was happening.
"I'll tell him, he has nothing to worry about..." Remus got up, and Peter followed his queue, grateful that he could leave this situation.
They walked to the door.
"NO." Remus said reaching his hand up to his head, "Nevermind. If he wants to be angry, let him be angry. I don't care."
"....ok." Peter shifted his feet.
"I don't care."
Peter somehow got the feeling that Remus cared quite a lot. But he couldn't really understand why.