Parallelism (year 2)
Regulus could tell that Andy was worried about him.
A part of him liked that. A small, pathetic part of him, thought it was nice that at least one person noticed. That at least one person cared. A small, pathetic part of him liked it when Andy hugged him, and when Andy visited him in his dorm, when he was too tired to get up, when Andy brought him an apple and pushed it into his hands when they walked past each other in the hall.
Another part of him hated it. That part of him was what took over when he turned the corner and threw the apple into the closest bin he could find. That was the part that took over when he closed his eyes in the mornings even when Andy begged him not to. That was the part of him that sighed in relief every time his stomach grumbled or he got a headache from dehydration. That was the part that made him do it in the first place.
He hated being the way he was, but he didn’t want to be any other way.
The biggest part of him was just tired. This was the part that closed his eyes in lessons. That rested his head in his arms during meals. That forgot to shower in the mornings but was too weak to shower in the evenings. The part that knew something was wrong but didn’t care.
I’ll deal with it tomorrow.
I’ll talk to Andy in a few days.
I’ll do my homework next week.
I’ll try harder on the next exam.
I’ll ask for help soon.
But suddenly it was the last day of school before the break, and he hadn’t done any of those things.
“Regulus.” Warm hands shook him, lightly, “Come on.”
Regulus pushed his head up, and blinked into the sudden harsh light of the great hall. Andy smiled at him, “Excited to go home, tomorrow?”
Regulus’s mouth felt dry, so he didn’t say anything. Was he excited? What did excitement really feel like anyway?
“You’ll get to finally sleep in again.” Andy continued, “That’ll be nice, right?”
Regulus shrugged. He supposed he did have pretty dark shadows under his eyes lately. He didn’t really know why. He couldn’t exactly remember whether he was sleeping well or not. Shakily he took a sip of water.
“Don’t even bother with him.” Bellatrix rolled her eyes, “It’s not like he’s going to answer. He’s probably not even listening to a word you’re saying.”
“Don’t say that, Bella!” Andy hissed.
“Hello!” Bellatrix snapped her black, nails in front of his face, “Anyone home?”
Regulus winced at the movement and shrunk away. “I’m listening.”
“Sorry,” Andy whispered, “You just...don’t talk very much recently. It’s alright though don’t worry.” She pushed a plate towards him that he hadn't noticed before.
“Would you mind eating some of this? For me? It’s not a lot.”
Regulus picked up his fork hating how she was talking to him like he was a little kid.
He could have a little bit.
He prodded the fork into a cooked carrot.
Would the feeling go away if he ate?
Would the discomfort go away?
I don’t want it to go away.
His cheeks buzzed with the knowledge that all three of his cousins were watching him. He didn’t want them to see him eat.
“For fucks sake, Regulus eat your damn food.” Bellatrix snapped. Regulus winced again and stuffed the carrot into his mouth, slowly chewing.
It wasn’t too bad.
He broke his record though.
He could’ve gone longer. He knew he could’ve.
Now it was too late anyway.
No matter what he did now he was a weakling.
So he took another bite.
Andy’s eyes bored into the side of his cheek.
Another bite.
His face felt warm.
Just one more.
“Can you stop watching me?” He said quietly, hating how raspy his voice sounded.
“Oh yeah, of course.” Andy looked away, focusing on her own food.
She probably thought Regulus was weird for not wanting to eat.
She probably thought he was doing it for attention.
He probably was.
The next day was a blur. He woke up once again to Andy coming into his dorm room, and shaking his shoulders, but by the time he’d opened his eyes it seemed like he forgot what sleep felt like. Had he even been sleeping? Or had he just been laying in his bed for hours, waiting for the moon to disappear and the sun to rise?
“Come on.” Andy said once again. “You’re lucky that all your dorm mates leave for breakfast early you know.”
Regulus grunted and started getting out of bed, feeling his bones creak like an old mans.
At breakfast, he ate an orange that Andy had peeled for him and pushed into his hands, and before he knew it he was on the train, sitting in a compartment with Andy on his left and, Narcissa and Bellatrix opposite him.
For the first few hours, the girls kept a conversation going without him, letting him lean his head against the window and rest his eyes, which were itching madly.
Why did everything always feel uncomfortable?
Why was he complaining? He didn’t deserve to complain about anything.
“- Reggie .”
Regulus perked up and looked around the compartment, where all three of his cousins were looking at him. “What?”
“I said, do you want one?” Andy held out a box of Bertie Botts beans to him, and raised her eyebrows suggestively, “You used to love these.”
“Oh.” Regulus blinked realising that this meant that the trolley lady had already been here, and he hadn’t even noticed. How did that happen? “Did I?”
“Try one.” Andy said, pouring some beans into his hands.
Regulus selected a black bean, hoping it wasn’t what he thought it was. He coughed as the taste of pepper filled his mouth. Regulus choked, swallowing the small bean with effort, and he couldn’t help but laugh as Andy practically flung a water bottle at him.
“That was disgusting.” He cried, still coughing, his cheeks hurt slightly as he leaned back in his chair eating the rest of his beans, which were luckily not as bad, one of them even being his favourite strawberry flavour. He smiled faintly at the taste.
Andy grinned at him slightly, looking pleased with herself though he couldn’t really tell why.
“What?” He asked suspiciously.
“Nothing.” Andy shrugged, “You just looked like yourself again, for a moment.”
Regulus could feel his face heat up and he looked away defensively, snapping, “I’m always myself.”
“I just missed your smile,” Andy said, “That’s all.”
Regulus shrugged and looked away again, drowning out the conversation that Bellatrix and Narcissa were having. If Sirius were here he would have probably ruffled Regulus’s hair and laughed. He would have probably said something smart, and teased Andy, for being too girly, and sentimental. He probably would have winked at Regulus like he always did.
But Sirius wasn’t here.
Sirius didn’t wink at Regulus anymore.
Sirius didn’t even notice when Regulus starved himself for weeks.
And that was just fine.
Christmas was a week later and aside from the fact that Sirius wasn’t there nothing really changed. Regulus still wore his uncomfortable green tie, Uncle Alphard still got drunk, before the dinner even started, Andy still itched her arms nervously like she always did at family events, life went on.
Life always went on. Even when you didn’t want it to go on.
Not that way.
In fact, no one really acknowledged the fact that Sirius wasn’t there. Maybe, Walpurga thought it was a punishment for him to not be there, and that when he came back he would act differently. That maybe he would be grateful that he would be allowed back. Regulus knew that wasn’t the case.
“Regulus me boy,” Uncle Alphard said, raising his wine glass to his lips, “You look tired.”
Regulus shrugged, and Uncle Alphard laughed bitterly. “You’re getting more and more talkative as the years go by, huh?”
Regulus shrugged again. Opening his mouth seemed like too much work right now. He wondered what Sirius would say in this situation. Would he tell a joke? Would he shrug too? Would he get angry?
“Not liking Slytherin, are you?” Alphard continued.
Regulus shrugged again, but feeling guilty he said quietly, “I don’t mind it.”
“You know, your brother hates that house more than he hates anything else. He always said that he wasn’t cut out for it. But when he ended up being right, it was too much for him to handle.”
Regulus scoffed, “Yeah right. Sirius loves Gryffindor.”
“Sure,” Alphard said heavily, “But knowing you’re the black sheep of the family isn’t exactly a comfort. Maybe the reason he hates Slytherin so much is because he knows he’ll never have a chance to be in it. That he’ll never be a part of it, and that he can’t be. That’s my guess anyway.”
Regulus shrugged again. In truth, he didn’t think that Alphard knew what he was talking about, but at the same time, something seemed to click. Regulus couldn’t really believe it though- couldn’t picture his brother being that simple. Having such simple thoughts and feelings and beliefs. It just didn’t seem right. It seemed almost too….human.
“You haven’t really grown much, Reg,” Alphard said finally, taking another sip of wine.
“Fuckin’ tell me about it,” Regulus muttered and Alphard laughed half heartedly. He leaned forward, trying to catch Regulus’s eye.
“You’re worrying Andy.” He said quietly, “And Merlin knows that poor girl already has enough to worry about.”
Regulus crossed his arms, “I’m not worrying her on purpose.”
“So what is it, huh?” Alphard asked, “Do you think you’re fat?”
“What? No!” Regulus tightened his arms, digging his nails into his skin.
Stop, stop, stop.
“What is it then? Do you feel nauseous?”
“Stop.”
“All I’m saying is that-”
“Stop, Alphard.”
Regulus released the death grip on his forearms and got up shaking his legs slightly as if trying to release nervous energy. He could almost feel sparks flying from the tips of his fingers, and maybe that was actually happening since it has happened before.
“You used to talk to me about these things, Reg,” Alphard said, clicking his tongue. “Your brother too.”
"Well, Sirius isn't here is he?" Regulus grabbed a small bottle of strawberry champagne that was sitting in a bucket of ice on the table, pried it open with a bottle opener, and left the room, not looking back. He held up the bottle above his head, before turning the corner, saying bitterly, “Merry Christmas, uncle.”
He knew he would pay for missing dinner later.
And that was just fine.
When Regulus looked down from the roof of the mansion, he could see what seemed like hundreds of muggle houses, lights blinking in and out of focus. He needed to calm down. He needed to calm down. He needed to calm down.
He took two sips of the bottle before angrily slamming it onto the roof, feeling it break beneath his fingertips, shards of glass flying everywhere and cutting his skin. Letting out a frustrated shriek he flung the remains of the bottle away from the building and into the night sky watching it disappear into the dark.
What was happening to him?
Regulus let out another scream, feeling it rip through his throat.
Why was he so tired?
Why did he blank out whenever people talked to him?
Why couldn’t he sleep?
Why did he feel nothing, all day every day?
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Regulus fell to his knees cutting his palm on something as he went down.
And why, why couldn’t he just fucking eat something?
Regulus was feeling just fine.
_ _ _ _
*The dorm room was quiet and he was the only one there. Sirius had never fancied being alone much, and this day wasn't any different. It was the middle of winter, dark and cold in the common room, James and Peter were serving detention and Remus was off somewhere...the library? He couldn’t remember.
All he knew was that he was alone and he was not feeling well.
Not at all.
He tried to tell himself he was fine, but Sirius knew this wasn't normal. This wasn't good.
He kept replaying the Christmas dinner in his head; Peter had done an impression of someone under the imperious curse at dinner, and yes, Sirius supposes it was funny but something in his brain went off. Like alarm bells. The feeling of utter calmness and unease at the same time kept hitting him and it was getting hard to breathe.
Just breathe. Just breathe.Mother isn’t here. She isn’t here. No one is here. Breathe. But then he was concentrating on his breathing so hard that it felt wrong. He began to breathe faster.
No no that wasn’t right.
He tried to slow down but he couldn’t. He just kept breathing harder and harder. He felt the panic coming from a mile away but he couldn’t stop it. He wanted to. He wanted to calm down but he couldn’t. And there it was. It soared through his body and made his hand cramp up in a painful motion.
Just apologize Sirius. Andy’s eyes had been saying. You’re not good enough Sirius. His mother’s voice in his head. You will never satisfy them Sirius. Narciss’s words. You will never ever have a family that loves you, Sirius. Bellatrix’s voice. You’re worth nothing Sirius. Sirius, Sirius, Sirius… “ Sirius!”
That hadn’t been in his head had it? That was here.
Remus.
He was back. The black haired boy couldn’t do anything except look at Remus helplessly. He was breathing faster and faster and he didn’t know what to do to stop it. But the other boy seemed to know exactly what was going on. Which was impressive since he himself didn't know what was happening.
“Sirius”, the sound of Remus saying his voice brought him back to reality, and suddenly it was like the air around him stilled. “Is it ok if I touch you, Sirius?”
Was it? For a moment his mind went blank but then Sirius pictured Remus’s hand on top of his and all of a sudden it felt like nothing would be better than that. All he could do was nod. Remus took his hands in his familiar cold ones and squeezed them lightly. “Shhh…” Remus whispered, and Sirius concentrated on the cool air of his breath blowing against his face.
Remus began to count softly never once letting go of Sirius’s hands, “In..two..three” he took a breath, “Out...two...three”
Breathing right, yes. Somehow everything else seemed to melt away as Sirius focused on Remus’s light brown eyes.
“In..two...three...” Sirius took a breath in, and his breath hitched a little. “Out...two...three...Shhhh...you’re safe, Sirius..I got you...Out...two...three”
He was safe. Good. Remus was here.
“You aren’t alone Sirius. I’m right here. In...two...three...out...two...three” Sirius felt his breathing get more even. He took a few more breaths with Remus until they were finally synchronised. Remus gave him a small shy and something outside of Sirius crumpled at that exact moment. And then- he began to cry.
The Heir of Black slumped forwards into Remus’ arms and cried and cried and cried. For a moment he could feel the other boy shutter before he felt Remus’s hand on the back of his head and he felt so...safe, and familiar.
Remus fucking Lupin.
He continued to cry, not really being able to stop himself until his eyes slowly fluttered closed, and he could feel the world around him swaying into sleep. Remus’s arms all the while still holding him firmly.*
_ _ _ _
The clock on the wall seemed to be ticking too slowly, as Regulus waited for Andy to return and tried his best to ignore his other two cousins.
“I almost wish Sirius was here,” Bellatrix drawled combing her hands through her black curly hair which seemed to be growing longer by the day. “Don’t you Reggie?”
It was that time of year again when each of the Black children would be getting their hair cut, in order to look “Like true purebloods.” Regulus looked down at his feet not saying anything. How much he hated that fucking hag. Please just shut up. Please.
** “Reggie, come on, I’m talking to you.” Bellatrix whined, “Don’t you remember how fun it was whenever Sirius got his hair cut?” She sighed almost longingly, “I remember. Mother had to Imperio him a couple times just to stop him from moving around, didn’t she? Or was it a stupify?”
“Don’t talk to him, Bella.” Narcissa whispered, “Don’t you realise he’s going mental?”
“Runs in the family then.” Bellatrix grinned.
Finally, the door pushed open and Andy stepped in, her auburn brown hair cut in a straight, even line, above her shoulders, just like the girls always got their hair cut. She sat down next to him and sighed, “I look like an old woman.”
“You look cute!” Narcissa assured her, “it suits you!”
“Great. I still don’t get why Bella doesn’t have to get her hair cut.”
“Simple,” Bellatrix said flipping her curls over her left shoulder, “I’m the favourite.”
“Your turn, Reg,” Andy said, pushing Regulus up from his seat.
“Let us know if mum hexes you.” Bellatrix purred, “Actually if she uses the imperio then I might just come in to watch. I love the way your eyes glaze ove-” She stopped abruptly as Regulus jumped forward, and pulled out his wand in one smooth motion, pointing it at his cousin.
“Please do us all a favour.” He whispered through gritted teeth, “And shut the fuck up, Bella.”
Andy and Narcissa gasped but Bellatrix smiled up at him, not seeming threatened at all, “Good job Reggie. You sound just like your brother.”
Regulus could feel his hands shaking, but before he could do anything the door opened once again, “Regulus.”
Immediately his body stiffened and he dropped his wand arm, “Sorry.”
He stepped away from Bellatrix, only to see the glee sparkling in her black eyes, as her mother entered the room.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
Regulus could feel his shoulders bunch up, and he shrugged shakily. Fuck. Fuck Bellatrix. That stupid fucking-
Aunt Druella, stepped back opening the door wider and holding out her hand. Defeated, he dropped his wand into her outstretched palm and stumbled into the room not looking back at Andy, who he knew would look so disappointed in that moment.
“I’m sorry, Aunt Druella.” He whispered.
She glared at him, her face unreadable, and closed the door. “Sit.”
Regulus looked at her pleadingly, “Please-”
“Sit, boy.”
His whole body shaking, Regulus sat down on the wooden stool, as he watched his Aunt pick up a pair of scissors in his peripheral vision.
Throughout the next five minutes, all Regulus could feel was the cold metal of the scissors, shivering every time it came in close contact to his skin, but all it did was snip away at his thick, black, hair.
But then it was over, and his hair had been cut. Regulus continued to sit for a moment not believing his luck. That was it?
“Leave,” Druella said prodding him in the back. Gratefully he stumbled towards the door.
“Regulus.” She stopped him, “Don’t think you’re parents won’t hear about what happened before.”
He couldn’t breathe but he nodded, anyway.
“We wouldn’t have wanted Bella to get hurt, would we?” She said tilting her head, “After all, we are family, aren't we?”
**His tongue felt thick in his throat, “Y-yes, Aunt Druella.”
She smiled, “Run along then.”
_ _ _ _
Sirius was more than embarrassed when he woke up the next morning and Remus was still in his bed. He pushed himself away from the other boy and got out of bed as quietly as he could. When he looked around the room he saw that he was the only one awake and decided to go shower, the tears of his panic attack still staining his face. He felt..wrong in his body.
He really hated being himself sometimes. Sometimes it just felt too exhausting to live inside the same head all day forever. The same thoughts, the same worries. Sirius began to feel nauseous. Merlin, how he could despise himself sometimes. He realised with a shutter that it was his mothers voice that he was hearing in his head. How dare she have so much power over him? That old hag. He sighed and started to take off his uniform from the previous day. The body that he saw in the mirror was grossly familiar and completely and utterly...boring. It was the same thing he always saw in the mirror and he was so fucking sick of it. He hated the guy he saw in the reflections of windows and mirrors around the castle. He hated it.
The way people flinched at his name and averted their eyes when they passed him. He was just a regular twelve year old boy for Godric's sake. Why couldn’t he have been born normal. Why did he have to be Sirius Black? He couldn’t help but shiver at the name. Sirius was about to enter the shower when something out of the corner of his eye grabbed his attention.
A pair of scissors.
For a moment all of the memories of past haircuts swam in front of his eyes, and he realised it must be around this time, when his cousins and his brother would be getting their hair cut. Sirius blinked and it was over, but he couldn’t help the twist he suddenly felt in his stomach.
When Remus woke up there was a moment of confusion, as there always was when he woke up in someone else's bed. More specifically Sirius’s. But after a second the memories of last night came back to him and he felt his heartache for his roommate. He couldn’t shake the way Sirius had been panting. The way his grey eyes had been big and panic stricken. The way he couldn’t seem to control his body in the slightest. It seemed familiar but at the same time, it seemed so foreign.
He was glad that Sirius got some sleep though. He had a feeling that Sirius hadn’t been sleeping a lot lately. Especially after his fight with Regulus and his whole family situation. Remus still didn’t completely understand what was going on with the Blacks but he knew that it wasn’t easy for Sirius. And that was understandable.
Remus heard the water in the bathroom turn on and decided to go brush his teeth. Living with three other lads meant minimum privacy and the four marauders had agreed that as long as no one was naked the bathroom was never off limits. Of course, James had to make some sort of inappropriate joke about snogging but that was beside the point. He supposed Sirius would want some privacy after last night, though so he decided to wait a bit before entering the bathroom. So instead of getting dressed in the bathroom like he usually did, Remus closed the drapes around his bed and got dressed there, before hearing a loud crash that informed him James had awoken. He peaked out from his drapes, “You alright Potter?”
James lay on the ground upside down, his feet still tangled in the sheets on his bed, “Good morning, Remu!”
“You didn’t answer my question,” Remus said suspiciously.
“Yeah, that was on purpose.” James sighed, getting up. After waking up Peter and explaining that Sirius might need some privacy the three boys decided to go to the great hall a bit early.
Remus had eaten one Jelly Toast, an apple and was about to start on a boiled egg when Sirius finally joined his friends. As soon as he entered the great hall everyone could see something was different. Even though most people were still gone on holiday there was still an uproar. Everyone knew Sirius Black. And everyone could see exactly what was different.
Sirius Black had bangs.
Bangs.
Sirius.
He had been cutting his hair in the bathroom, Remus figured, dropping his spoon. The young boy had taken the front of his hair and simply cut across his forehead. The light of the great hall hit his face, making it look like a statue cut out of stone.
His forehead now had curls swept infront of it with some shorter pieces of hair framing the side of his face and the rest still remaining at shoulder length. All of a sudden Remus could feel his heart beat faster, and he gulped at the sudden saliva that was building in his mouth.
Remus thought...well Remus thought it looked rather good.
James and Peter clearly disagreed, both of them bursting out laughing. Sirius grumbled as he sat down, next to Remus. Remus couldn’t keep his eyes off of the other boy. Stop. Looking. He thought to himself.
“You can laugh too, you know.” Sirius sighed, “It’s not like those two prats care.”
Remus just shook his head.
“You look like a….like a lion!” Peter cried holding his hand over his mouth as he laughed.
“Fuck off,” Sirius said.
“You look so stupid mate,” James agreed.
“Shut up!”
“Oi, at least it looks better than your usual hair cuts,” Peter said.
“I said shut up!”
The rest of breakfast was spent, with the boys joking around and insulting each other, most of the insults targeted at Sirius and his new hair. After a while when they were all ready to go back upstairs again and Peter and James had run off in the lead, Remus and Sirius were still sitting. Remus got up but before leaving he stopped behind Sirius, leaned over his back, and rested a hand on his shoulder.
“I really like it.” He whispered into the other boy’s ear nervously. Sirius tilted his head to look up at Remus and Remus smiled at him before following the others out of the great hall.
And for some reason, all of a sudden everything was ok.
Sirius didn’t even mind when he could feel everyone watch him as he left the great hall. Because Remus liked it.
And nothing else really mattered.