Siriusly Suspicious (year 2)
Sirius was in a great mood, and if Sirius was happy everyone was.
After breakfast he and James pranced around outside jumping in circles, yelling incoherent things, waving their wands around dangerously and overall acting like complete morons, while Remus and Peter watched laughing and cheering, until Professor McGonogall came outside and threatened them with detention.Then during lunch he and Peter started singing A Horse With No Name, a muggle song they had once heard Dorcas sing in the common room, in horrible American accents both of them trying to outdo the other and both of them sounding terrible. In the afternoon when the other three had cooled down and started running low on energy Sirius was still bouncing around the common room, yelling random prank ideas that Remus frantically scribbled down.
“What’s up with you today?” Remus said hurriedly dipping his quill into his ink, and scratching down Sirius's most reason word vomit which consisted of flooding the great hall, and another one which was sticking all the furniture in the teachers lounge to the ceiling.
“Huh?” Sirius asked, “It’s just a good time to be alive, isn’t it?”
James laughed, “Maybe it is once you’ve finished your transfiguration homework. If that’s the case then I wouldn’t know.”
“Oh shut up!” Sirius said, jumping up on a couch, still wearing his shoes, which made Remus groan. “This is great, isn’t it? The four of us? Just hanging out?”
Peter raised his eyebrows quizzically, “You’re unsettling me.”
Sirius frowned, “Unsettling? That’s a big word Pete, I'm proud of you.”
Peter rolled his eyes and muttered, “There he is.”
“Sirius, this is what we do every day.” Remus said, trying to stifle his laughter. “Literally nothing has changed.”
“Don’t you lot feel the positive energy?” Sirius asked energetically.
“Nope.”
“No.”
“Hm, hold on, let me check my Energy Thermometer,” Remus said sarcastically, pretending to pull something out of his pocket and holding it up in the air around him, “Nope, the energy is pretty average today.”
James and Peter sniggered holding their hands over their mouths.
Sirius rolled his eyes, “Alright Lupin.”
“Oh wait, hold on!” Remus held up a finger letting a small teasing smile play on his lips, “I did get a signal for Lunatic energy! It seems to be coming from…” He slowly turned toward Sirius, making his eyes widen dramatically, “From….you.”
James and Peter burst out laughing, pointing at Sirius who knit his eyebrows, unamused.
“Ok, ok piss off.”
Remus laughed too, smugly, and Sirius stuck out his tongue at him.
“It’s cuz you made up with Regulus isn’t it?” Peter asked casually, flipping a page in his History of Magic textbook after they had calmed down. All three boys stopped and stared at him but he just continued looking through his book not realizing the weight of what he had said. Sirius swallowed, uncomfortably. “I…”
James laughed, “Well no matter what the reason I’m glad you’re happy Sirius.” He smiled teasingly, putting a hand on his heart, “Your happiness is everything to me.”
“Ew, Potter you poof,” Sirius said, laughing but he felt oddly unsettled by Peter's observation. Was it true? Was he only in a good mood because he’d finally made up with Regulus? Did it matter if that was the reason?
“Alright lads, imma sign out, it’s time for me to go,” Remus said checking his muggle watch and gathering all his papers together.
“Huh?” Sirius said, “Where are you going on a Sunday afternoon, other than to prank Slytherins?”
Remus stared at him pointedly, “I’m going home . To my mum.”
“Come on Sirius, he told us yesterday.” James reminded him, helping Remus pack together his things.
“Oh…” Sirius said, racking his brain to remember. He did…
“Bye Remy!” Peter called after Remus kicking his legs back and forth, from where he was sitting.
“Bye guys.”
James stretched. “Ah...so. How about another game of exploding snap, before dinner?”
Sirius nodded, suddenly feeling uncharacteristically deflated. “Why is Remus leaving so late?”
James shrugged, “I dunno. It’s not that late, it's only six PM.”
“Yes but...why would he go now? I mean...why not early in the morning? It’s not like his mum will care he’s there if they’re both sleeping.”
“I dunno, Sirius. Here help me set up the cards.”
“But...that doesn’t make sense, why would-”
“Oh come on Sirius, who cares? Maybe his mum just likes eating supper with him, eh?”
“...Alright.” Sirius muttered.
“Now, let me beat you at this and then you can go back to overthinking.”
“...As if you could ever beat me…”
_ _ _ _
“What’s wrong, Sirius?” Peter asked, eyebrows raised. The two of them were sitting on their usual seats near the fire in the common room and were among some of the only Gryffindors in the Common room at that moment. Other than them, Lily was sitting alone in the corner of the room, a big book propped up on her lap, and a few older students were studying close to the stairs of the girls' dormitory. Peter looked up from his Transfiguration homework and sighed deeply. “Look, you haven’t insulted me at least once this whole day and frankly I’m feeling kind of ignored.”
Sirius jiggled his leg up and down restlessly and growled, “Shut up, Pettigrew you could do without the attention for once.”
“Says you!” Peter said. “Oi,” he turned serious, “What's wrong?”
Sirius shrugged, hesitantly, “Something feels off.”
“Off? How?”
“I don’t know…I just didn’t realise that Remus would still be visiting his mother this year….It caught me off guard that’s all.”
“Well,” Scoffed Peter, “He’s probably not very happy about it either.” He grew quiet, “It’s not nice having an ill mother.”
Sirius glanced at his friend. Peter didn’t often talk about his home life, to be fair none of them did other than James, but Sirius knew about his mother and her depression. Sirius supposed that could count as a type of illness too.
“Sorry, mate.” He said, “But, I just....” He paused, “Wait, have you ever met Remus’s mother?”
“Nah…” Peter shook his head, then he stopped abruptly, “Hold on! Yeah, I have!”
“You have?”
“Just this summer! Yes! She and Mr Lupin both brought Remus to the station.”
“Well, did you get a good look at her?” Sirius snapped his potions book shut. “What does she have? Did she look ill?”
Peter seemed overwhelmed by all of the questions, “I don’t know...she...she seemed... fine .”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean what I say, you pest!” Peter cried. He lowered his voice again looking around the common room, “She seemed fine. If anything she seemed more fine than Remus’ father. You should have seen him! He’s like a human personification of Remus’ anxiety. You can really tell where he gets it from-”
Sirius cut him off, waving his hands around, “Nevermind that! Describe her to me!”
“Remus’ mum?” Peter asked.
“No Remus’s great aunt Jemilla. Yes of course his mum! ”
“Alright, alright. Well...she had uh...brown hair, and brown eyes...and...red lipstick…”
“Pete.”
“I don’t know mate! She seemed really nice and cheerful! She shook my mum's hand and they talked about, I don’t know girl stuff, and she was smiling the whole time, and...uh….she told Remus to write letters-”
“Why would she tell him to write letters if she saw him every month?” Sirius cut in.
“I don’t know! Maybe she has separation anxiety!” Peter said shrilly.
“I told you this isn’t making sense,” Sirius said even more shrilly.
“ What are you two on about? ” Lily Evans cried from the other end of the common room, her voice even shriller than the other twos. “Honestly…”
She stomped over and sat down next to them on the couch.
“Ugh, Evans….” Sirius groaned, “Please….please for the love of my sanity... please just go.”
“Quit your dramatics, Sirius.” Lily snapped, “You two are talking about Remus aren’t you?”
“No!” Peter said.
Sirius sighed, sensing there was no way of denying it, “Yeah. So what?”
“So….I want to be part of the conversation.”
“Well too bad you weren't invited.” Sirius said, “Go hang out with Marlene and Dorcas.”
“I can't. Marlene’s at quidditch practice and Dorcas is supporting her. ”
“Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... ” Sirius groaned, dragging out the sound for almost twenty seconds until he was completely out of breath. “....Fine.”
“James is at Quidditch practice, too,” Peter explained to Lily, “and Remus is…at his mum's. Apparently.”
“Apparently,” Lily smirked. “So, you two finally realised it then,” she said, idly.
“What, are you on about, Evans?”
“Well, it took you long enough.” Lily continued, “I knew he wasn’t really visiting his mother from the first time he came back.”
“Well if you’re so smart, what is he doing?” Sirius asked, haughtily.
Lily blushed, “I don’t know...But I want to figure it out. And I want you to help me.”
“Us ?”
“Well, you obviously care about him! And…” She blushed even more, “And I do too.”
Sirius sighed, “You’re not telling me you have some sort of girly crush on him are you, Evans?”
Lily’s eyes widened, “ Of course not! ”
Peter who had been somewhat quiet until now, looked at them uneasily, “I don’t know guys….I feel like we should stay out of it…”
“Come on, Pete. We’re just curious. It’s not like he’s going off murdering someone every once in a while.”
Sirius turned to Lily who nodded, determined.
“First things first,” Lily said, “I think, Remus’ mum isn’t the one that’s ill.”
Sirius cocked an eyebrow, “Yeah? Who then? Peter’s met both of his parents and said they both seem fine-”
Lily shook her head, “Not his father. I think...I think Remus is the one that’s ill.”
_ _ _ _
“Remus?” James asked exiting the steamy bathroom, towel drying his hair, “Nah. Why would he keep that secret from us?”
Sirius shrugged, throwing James who had just returned from Quidditch practice and taken a shower, a dry pair of socks, “But I think Evans is right. I mean….why else would he always look so pale and sickly when he comes back?”
James nodded thoughtfully sitting down on Sirius’s bed beside him. “He does look ill half the time…”
Peter still looked uncomfortable, “If he’s the one that’s ill he should also be the one to tell us.”
“I don’t understand,” James said, ignoring him, “why Remus wouldn’t tell us if he was ill.”
Suddenly a thought struck Sirius, “You don’t think…” He swallowed, “You don’t think, he’s terminally ill do you?”
The three boys all looked at each other. Peter’s face was deathly white and James’ nose had started twitching. Sirius felt as though he couldn’t breathe properly.
“Of course not.” James said though he didn't sound as sure as he might have tried to. He got up and put his towel back in the bathroom, taking his time to fold it and hang it up to dry. “Of course not....”
“But that would be the perfect explanation,” Sirius murmured, “I mean...that’s why he wouldn’t tell us right? He wouldn’t want us to worry. And-and-and he wouldn’t...…and maybe...maybe he has this medicine that he has to take at a specific time every few days or weeks or every month or whatever...and-”
“OI!” James yelled.
Sirius snapped his mouth shut.
“Stop.” James said. “Just...stop.” He rubbed his face with his hand and plopped down next to Sirius again. “Look at him, mate.” He whispered, nudging his head, towards Peter, “Don’t forget his parents.”
Peter was sitting on his bed with his eyes wide open and arms wrapped around his legs. Sirius silently cursed himself. Not only was Peter’s mum, mentally ill but his father had died of muggle ‘cancer’ a few years ago when he was still a child. James got up. “You alright, Pete?”
Peter didn’t say anything. Didn’t even look at them. James sighed and sat down next to Peter. “Remus is fine, mate. Don’t worry about him. He’s not ill…Evans is a knutter we knew this already.”
Sirius walked over too, and sat down on Peter’s other side, resting his hand on his friend’s back and silently cursing himself.
"She may be pretty but she can be quite the girl, right? Always overexaggerating and everything..." James joked. Sirius could feel James's energy start to drain out of him at the sight of his friend looking like this. Since James had known Peter so long he was especially perceptive to his feelings, and whenever Peter got sad it was like a bit of life drained out of the bespectacled boy.
“It’s ok.” James started to murmur, “We’ll stop….we won’t continue talking about Remus behind his back, ok?”
James looked at Sirius pointedly, who nodded and swallowed hard, “Yeah, Pete.” He said, “We’ll stop. Remus is fine, don’t worry…”
_ _ _ _
Remus was not fine in the slightest although he didn’t want to admit it Madam Pomfrey. The gash on his arm that he had gotten during the summer was freshly open once again and stung with such ferocity it felt as good as new. Remus opened his eyes and groaned quietly trying to move his arm which felt like a club resting against his chest.
“It’ll be alright, dear. Drink this, you’ve lost a lot of blood.” In his peripheral vision, Remus saw Madam Pomfrey hand him a cup filled with cold, metallic, grey fluid. Remus complied quietly using his uninjured arm to lift the cup. He lifted his head gingerly and realised with a heavy sigh that he was the only student in the entire hospital wing.
Great.
Out of all the hundreds of students at this school, he was the only one injured.
Remus pushed the thought down.
“I’m...fine.” He whispered raspily. The sooner he could leave the better. Although he hadn't mentioned this to anyone yet his father had gotten him a new book over the summer. After his first full moon, in which the wolf had clearly not been happy about the change in location, Lyall had brought Remus a book on map making or, cartography, as he called it. Although Remus's favorite things to read about so far had usually been astronomy this was a great new surprise- then he had an idea. In all honesty it may have been stupid, and a bit far fetched, but he had always found it strange that Hogwarts never came with a map. So why not make one himself?
A small part of Remus, the part that seemed to be awakened during pranks, even had a theory. What if the reason there wasn't a map of Hogwarts was because there were some routes that the Professors didn't want you to know about? If you had to find all of the hallways and corridors, and rooms, and staricases yourself, what if it was because there were some special ones that only the people who were really looking could actually find them.
And Remus, saw that as his own personal challenge.
“Of course, of course. How could I forget? You never complain, do you?” Madam Pomfrey smiled down at him, before hurrying out of the room to fetch his new ointment- the one his father had been rambling about, just a few weeks before.
Remus leaned back and closed his eyes, breathing in the cool air from outside that was streaming in through the open windows.
He could feel every inch of his body burning. Some of it, he knew, was because of the mere transformation. The grinding of his bones, the stretching of his skin. But others....He took a deep breath and asked timidly, “Will it scar?”
He knew the answer, and part of him didn't even expect Madam Pomfrey to answer. He almost hoped that she hadn't heard his question, so that he could pretend that he never asked, so that he could pretned the truth wasn't right there. The old witch stopped set down the ointment on his bed and curled his hands around it.
She looked him straight in the eye. “Yes.”
He looked back at her, trying not to show any sort of emotion. It shouldn't have hurt. It was a simple word after all, to a simple question. Yet he felt like sobbing.
Well, a part of him thought bitterly, just a few more scars to add to the collection then.
He appreciated her being so honest and straightforward with him but he still hated the fact that he would always have an ugly gash right there on his arm to remind him of what he was. And it wouldn’t stop. He would always get more until his whole body was littered with them. Until there wouldn’t be a single centimetre of skin that wasn’t purple, or red, or blue, or ripped open. He would never be able to go swimming or even change in the same room as his friends. His father was right, he wouldn’t be able to wear sweaters forever. One day...one day he would feel hot and he would roll up his sleeves and everyone would know-
“Remus dear...don’t worry about it. Try to get some sleep.” Madam Pomfrey wrung her hands.
He should've have worried her. Guiltily, Remus sipped his medicinal drink and shuddered at the cold jolt it sent through him, like the feeling he got from drinking cold water after chewing mint. As the woman bustled away he looked up at the ceiling, and for just a moment he almost thought he could hear James, Sirius and Peter laughing in the distance. His vision blurred and he licked his chapped lips, cursing the uncomfortably stuffy feeling he had in his mouth.
Always have been quite the one for dramatics, eh Loony Lupin?
Remus smiled at the sound of his friends' voice, even if it was just in his head.
He closed his eyes.
_ _ _ _
Lily hadn't moved an inch, when Marlene and Dorcas entered the common room a few hours later.
“Oi, were you reading this whole time?” Marlene asked, sitting down next to Lily.
“Yeah,” Lily said, closing her book absentmindedly, “So?”
“Dedication.” Dorcas nodded, “I approve.”
“Haven’t you finished all your homework already?” Said Marlene.
“This isn’t homework. This is….I’m trying to figure something out.”
“Ooh, spy work!” Marlene snatched the book away from Lily who protested weakly, and started flipping through.
Dorcas leaned over Marlene’s shoulder and read the title out loud, “ The Standard Wizards Handbook of Illness . Why would you read that?”
“Are you ill?” Marlene asked, eyebrows knitted. “What’s this chapter? The application of time critical antidotes and medicines ? Huh?”
“It’s nothing!” Lily grabbed the book back, and stuffed it into her bag. “How was training?”
Marlene's eyes widened with excitement but before she could say anything Dorcas beat her to it.
“You should have seen her! She was so quick and agile and-”
Marlene laughed, “Come on Meadows it was only my first training-”
“ Exactly ! It was only your first training and you were already so good! ”
“Well next time I might come along.” Lily smiled, “Seems like I missed out on a lot.”
“You didn’t. Trust me.”
Dorcas shrugged, “ I thought it was great. But honestly, Lily you probably would’ve hated it.”
“Why would you say that?”
Marlene and Dorcas exchanged a look.
“Well first of all James was there and he was showing off even more than Marlene was-”
“And second you hate sports-”
“No, I don’t!”
“Yeah you do.” Marlene and Dorcas said at the same time.
Lily sighed, “The only thing I hate about sports is when Potter participates in them.” Marlene laughed, “You’re going to kill him one day aren’t you?”
“Perhaps.”
“Well at least be smart about it and don’t discuss it in the middle of the common room.” Dorcas grumbled.
Marlene laughed once again, “That’s what you're concerned about?”
_ _ _ _
The weeks came and went and every once in a while Remus would disappear for a few days and come back again looking more sickly and tired than ever. Sirius had now grown a rather annoying habit of plaguing Lily every other day asking her if she had found something yet, and he found himself growing restless and agitated every time Remus visited his mother.
One day after Remus had been gone for an entire school week, which was noticeably longer than usual, (Sirius had been recording data and he realised that every visit lasted about an average of three days) he finally got released from the hospital wing. Although Madam Pomfrey would’ve kept him even longer if it had been completely up to her. At supper that evening Remus let his eyes drift closed for a couple of seconds before blearily opening them again, trying to pretend he was just blinking very slowly.
He wasn't fooling anyone though.
“Long visit, huh?” Sirius asked, glancing at Remus suspiciously.
“Huh? Yeah.” Remus timidly picked up a fork and started pushing food around his plate.
“Longer than usual…” Sirius continued to say, raising his eyebrows suggestively.
“Hm? ...Yeah.”
“Well!” Said James, cheerily, “It’s good to have you back! And guess what?”
He paused for Remus to say something, but when he just continued to stare ahead blankly James continued, if slightly discombobulated, “I got the position of Chaser on the Quidditch team!”
There was an awkward silence. Peter nudged Remus slightly. Remus startled and stared at the three other boys, blankly. “Oh.”
The three others exchanged a look and then focused their attention on him again.
“Sorry, what did you say?” Remus asked, quietly, his face tinging pink.
“I got...um...I got the position of Chaser on the Quidditch team.”
“Oh. Nice. Very nice.” Remus said nodding, “That’s...a good...position. Very good.”
“Are you ok?” Sirius asked plainly.
“Is your mum alright?” Peter interrupted.
James just looked at him, expectedly.
“Yes.” Remus said, “Yes, I am ok. And my mother too. I’m...tired. ” Yeah, and I’m missing about a litre of my blood, he thought miserably but he obviously didn’t say that. When he had woken up from that specific full moon he had awoken with three new gashes one of which had hit an artery in his side, and almost killed him. Obviously, he didn’t say that part either. He had been unconscious for most of his stay at the hospital wing and he still felt disoriented and weak. He almost longed for his bed at the hospital wing- at least there he wouldn’t have to answer Sirius’s pestering questions.
“You look...pale.” James said, “Are you sure you don’t want to maybe go to the infirmary?”
“I….Uh...what?” Remus blinked hard forcing his mind to concentrate, “Oh. No. No, I don’t want to.”
“Is…” Sirius paused trying to sound nonchalant, “Is what your mum has infectious?”
“Um….” Remus paused staring at his broccoli so hard, it looked like he was trying to burn through it with his eyes. “... No .” He said slowly, forcing himself to concentrate, “It is not .”
“Are you sure?”
“...Yes.”
“It just...took you a while to answer.” Sirius said, shrugging.
Remus paused, his eyebrows knitted. He looked up. “....No it didn’t.”
“Yeah, it did.” Said Sirius, “And that reply took you awhile too.”
“....What? No….no it didn’t.”
“Oi, leave Remus alone,” James said.
“Yeah, come on he’s obviously tired,” Peter said. Remus closed his eyes. The lights in the great hall seemed unnecessarily fluorescent and bright, and he felt hyper aware of all the people sitting at the tables around him.
“Do you want to go upstairs?” James asked.
Remus brought a hand up to his temple and felt a thin layer of sweat gather on top of his skin.
“I….yeah. I’m tired.”
“Yeah, we’ve gathered that much, mate.” James laughed uneasily and got up. “Come along.” Remus blinked at him, before getting up slowly.
The four of them reached the common room in silence. As soon as they had reached Gryffindor tower, Remus slumped up the stairs and fell onto his bed face first, not even bothering to undress or take off his shoes.
“You alright, mate?” James called after him. Remus grunted.
“Should we take off his shoes?” Peter asked.
There was a pause and three boys stared at Remus, who was breathing heavily.
“Nah,” James said at last, “Right? He’ll be fine. He’ll get up in a moment.”
Again they turned and looked at him expectantly. Remus seemed to be snoring now.
“Sure he will, Potter,” Sirius said sarcastically, clapping James on his back.
“Oi, what was that back there anyway?” James asked rounding on Sirius. “Why were you pestering him like that?”
Sirius licked his lips, “Look, I know it wasn’t exactly fair-”
“Fair-” James scoffed.
“- But ,” Sirius said, raising his hands, “I think he’s still ill! Obviously whatever he has, is getting worse! Look, Lily said-”
“Oh so she’s Lily now?” James said cooly.
“What?”
“A week ago she was Evans and now she's Lily .”
“Merlin’s balls don’t be jealous Potter. We’re just trying to figure out what Remus has-”
“Well stop.”
“-And I think I know-”
“You don’t. Stop.”
“-Let me speak!”
“No!”
“-Obviously the medicine he takes every few weeks isn’t working-”
“Sirius stop!”
“-But James-!”
“ Sirius!”
“Fine.” Sirius crossed his arms, and he and James glared at each other.
“Good.”
From the other side of the room, they could hear Peter tugging at Remus’s shoes, and putting them down beside his bed. Remus murmured softly in his sleep.
“I don’t fancy Evans,” Sirius said after a moment shuffling his feet.
James turned away, “Ok.”
“ You fancy her.”
James said, “No.”
“Don’t be angry with me.”
“I’m not,” James said though, Sirius wasn’t too sure.
“Well...I could tell her you have a six-pack.” Sirius suggested.
James shook his head sullenly, “I don’t.”
“Well, I can still tell her you do,” Sirius said. “It’s not like she would check.”
James paused seeming to ponder the idea. “Fine. But make sure it sounds natural.”
“Alright,” Sirius said smiling.
“I mean,” James pushed up his glasses, “I wouldn’t want it to sound like I asked you to say that or anything.”
“Yeah ok.”
“I don’t want her to think I’m an idiot.”
“Sure.”
“ Does she think I’m an idiot?”
“Potter.”
James sighed and turned away to look at Remus, “You still need to stop with the Remus thing. His mother is ill, Sirius. It’s sad but it’s true.”
Sirius pressed his lips into a firm line and looked over to Remus’s bed where had rolled over onto his other side and was now hugging one of his pillows to his chest.
He looked in pain.
Sirius shrugged his shoulders slightly, “Hm.”