Dear Regulus (year 1)
Classes went just as horribly as Sirius had expected.
They were uneventful, to say the least, and except for some sideway glances and pitying looks from teachers and students alike nothing happened. His friends tried his best to let him forget about breakfast. Even the stern and serious Remus who didn't talk or do much shot somewhat dirty looks at anyone who stared at him while walking to classes and now to the great hall for dinner. The gesture was small but it made Sirius feel warm inside. It made him feel safe. No one back home would’ve done anything of the sort for him. And although he hadn't been there for a very long time and hadn't known any of the other students for long either, this place felt more like home than his own home ever had. When he was with the other boys he felt like he could be himself. The Sirius Black that he wanted to be and not the one his parents wanted him to be. But when he saw the big doors that led to the great hall and caught a glimpse of his cousin Bellatrix he stopped in his tracks. She was staring at the doors in a fixed glare, here black eyes glinted in a dangerous light and Sirius could see her black fingernails dig into the wood of the table. On her other side, Narcissa sat next to her. She was talking a rushed whisper and her eyes were pointed at the Gryffindor table as if she was waiting for someone to appear. He couldn’t go in there. He couldn’t talk to his cousins. Enough stress for one day.
“Oi, I think I’m gonna pass on dinner tonight,” He blurted.
James and Peter looked at him with mirroring looks of concern on their faces.
“Um, are you sure?” Peter surprised everyone, including himself by speaking first.
“Yeah, I’m just tired that’s all.”
“Oh okay. Do you want one of us to come with you?” James asked, already turning around in midstep.
“Nah, thanks, Potter.”
"Do you want us to bring you food?" Peter squeaked.
Sirius had to smile at that, "No thanks, Pettigrew."
And with that Sirius turned around and started to walk up the stairs to the Gryffindor common room. Seeing his cousins in the great hall had been the final straw for him. It made him think about his family and his brother. Regulus.
Did Regulus believe the same thing his parents did? Did he think that Sirius was a traitor? That he was a freak? What was Regulus doing right now? Only the thought of little innocent Reggie hating him made Sirius’ eyes water. Blinking furiously, he ran up the last few steps to the dorm, grabbed a spare piece of parchment, a quill, and some ink, and made his way to the astronomy tower. Ever since Andromeda’s first year at Hogwarts, she had told Sirius about the Astronomy Tower. She had said it was her favorite place in the castle. Maybe that was why Sirius decided to go up there, maybe it was because he knew Regulus loved to climb on the roof and watch the muggle houses down below. Either way, Sirius found himself in the Tower. He slumped against the wall, and waited for the tears to flow.
But they didn't.
They never did.
Sirius cursed under his breath. It was a weird feeling, wanting to cry, but nevertheless he felt it too often for comfort. Crying meant releasing stress. Releasing tension, releasing emotion. And for Sirius, no crying meant that it all stayed up there in his head. His hand cramped up, and flexed his fingers.
The sky was a bright blue that night. Millions of little stars blinked in and out of focus. He could recognize a small orb hanging in the sky. The moon. It was almost full though not quite there yet. Staring at it resting there peacefully Sirius imagined his brother, sitting in his own room, staring at the same moon as well. As if they were both looking at the same thing, thinking, the same thing.
His hand shaking slightly he began to write.
Dear Regulus, How are you?
How is everything at home? I’m aware that I must have caused quite a mess at home. I’m sorry if I caused you any trouble. I miss you terribly Reggie. Everyone here is really nice though. I met a boy named James. I think you would really like him. He's funny and kind like you, and he's confident. I hope you can meet him one day.
I'm really excited to see you at Christmas. I can tell you all about Hogwarts. I hope that you're not too alone without me. I hope that Mother and father are treating you alright. I know that you see that what they are doing is wrong. I see it in your eyes when they preach about keeping the bloodline pure and how much they hate Muggles. I see that deep down you don’t agree. When you come to Hogwarts next year I know you won’t be like the rest. You’ll join me and we’ll both finally not be alone anymore. Because you are like me. You are, aren’t you? I need you to be. I think you’ll like Hogwarts. It’s like a castle in one of Uncle Alphards many stories
His hand shook violently and he let go of his quill. He couldn’t continue writing. He breathed out slowly.
"I can't send this..." He whispered to himself. For a moment he thought about crumpling up the paper and throwing it out of the window. Watch it plummet to the ground and float away as if it never existed in the first place. Bit he couldn't do that. He needed it...he needed something. And this was his something. Something to keep to remind himself of his brother. Of his life at home. Even when sometimes it was painful to remind himself of that. He also knew that Regulus would never be allowed to see this letter. He couldn’t do that to his brother. It still hurt though.
A few hours later he finally started to head back to the dorm. He was exhausted and sure that his dormmates were already asleep. When he entered the dorm, the room was silent with only the sounds of Peter snore erupting from his bed every few seconds. Sirius tiptoed through the room and headed for the bathroom, relieved that none of his friends were awake to see his tear-stained face. He looked in the mirror and sighed. After a few minutes, he quickly brushed his teeth and changed into his pajamas. When he pulled back the curtain on his bed he saw something on his pillow. After carefully picking it up he saw that it was a chocolate frog. Under it was a note. “Thought this might make you feel better. -R” Regulus? How could Regulus have possibly sent him this? How could he have known that he was thinking about him? Was he here right now?- “Sirius?” He heard a timid whisper. It was Remus. Remus Lupin. Spelled with an R. Immediately he felt his heart fall in his chest. Of course, it was Remus. Regulus couldn't have sent him anything.
“Is everything alright?” Sirius straightened his back a little and cleared his throat.
“Yeah, yeah I'm fine.” He was quick to answer. Maybe a little bit too quick. Ignoring his halfhearted attempt at pretending to be alright, Remus pulled aside the other curtain to his bed and walked over to Sirius's bed leaping on to it lightly, sitting on his shins, in the corner of his bed. Something about the action reminded Sirius of some sort of animal. Like some sort of a wild cat or dog.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Remus asked. His eyes seemed to glow in the darkness.
“Not really, no. You..you wouldn’t understand.”
Remus laughed a little and Sirius could detect a smidge of bitterness in the boy's voice. “Oh trust me I think I’d understand more than you think. Being stared at? I’ve had my fair share of that back home. " He repositioned himself on Sirius's bed now sitting with his legs crossed. "I live in a mostly muggle town, you see? And with my whole situation with...my mum. News got around quickly and…” Remus trailed off, and once again he surprised Sirius. Maybe he wasn’t so alone after all?
“I...I hadn’t thought about that.”
Remus snorted at this as if to say, of course, you didn’t. It was quiet for a few moments.
“Well, I suppose my whole family hating me hit me a little bit harder than I had anticipated.” Sirius finally admitted sitting down on his bed next to Remus. Remus didn’t say anything; he just looked at Sirus with his glowing amber eyes. And even without words, Sirius felt safe. He averted his eyes and mumbled something about needing to sleep. Remus' expression changed, and he started to get up. Suddenly Sirius felt a thud in his chest. Before he could lose his courage he whispered, “Stay?”
Remus, turned around quickly as if he was hoping Sirius would say that. He gave Sirius a small smile and Sirius could see that his cheeks were a little bit pink. Sirius patted the spot on the bed next to him.
“Regulus, my brother, would always stay with me after a fight with my parents.” The dark-haired boy explained.
“Do you miss him? I wish I had a brother...” Remus seemed genuinely curious so Sirius started telling him all about his little brother. He told Remus about the boring family gatherings that Regulus always made a little more bearable. He told Remus about the fear that had risen in him before dinner. He laughed at first but then he cried and cried and then he laughed at how much he was crying and after what seemed like hours both boys were asleep in Sirius’ bed.
_ _ _ _
Remus immediately felt something was wrong.
Maybe it was his heightened senses so close to the full moon or maybe it was just the excitement he felt from the third day of classes but when he woke up that morning laying in bed feeling the fresh morning air on his skin something felt different. Opening his eyes slowly Remus rolled around in bed and came face to face with Sirius Black.
“Oh-!” Jumping up he clamped a hand over his mouth. The boy in question was still very much asleep though.
Sirius’s eyes were closed, his lips were slightly parted and his hair gleamed in the tiny amount of sunlight that had entered the bed through their thick curtains. After a split second of sheer panic, Remus remembered what had happened the night before. He remembered his discussion with Sirius about his parents, his brother, and his cousins. The responsibility, the disappointment, and the pain. Remus also remembered sitting at the breakfast listening to the howler, thinking about how Sirius Black must be the bravest boy on earth and then sitting in bed next to the same boy, now with wet tears on his face. Something about that comparison made Remus feel numb. How even the bravest most confident looking person can be broken on the inside.
Quietly as not to wake Sirius, Remus got up from the bed, opened the drapes, and crawled over to his own bed, opening the drawer in which he had hidden his muggle watch. 6:54 am.
For a few minutes, Remus just lay there but soon exhaustion took over and he managed to fall asleep once again.
When Remus woke up for the second time, he immediately realized he was alone in the room. Opening his drapes he looked around to make sure he was right, (he was) and then quickly changed into his school robes realizing that if he wanted to make it to breakfast on time he had to hurry up. So Remus, a small voice in his head said, they left without you. Three days in the dorm and they already can't stand to be around you. Just wait until they find out you're a-
"Shut up." He said aloud. They probably just didn’t want to wake him. It’s not that they don’t like being around him, right? He got ready much faster than the previous morning and was on his way to the great hall in a quiet mood, feeling angry but also a little sad.
In the great hall, he saw his dorm mates at the Gryffindor table laughing. Peter was ripping his bread into pieces and throwing them at the others, James was laughing and trying to catch the bread in his mouth and Sirius was holding out his hands trying to protect himself from the airborne food.
No one seemed to notice that he wasn’t there. Even Sirius looked happy and was laughing at the look of James's face as he caught some bead in his mouth. The doubt Remus felt building up earlier this morning was dismissed when Peter caught his eye and waved at him. He seemed genuinely happy to see Remus.
He shook himself a little before he waved back and walked over to his house table.
“You guys left.” He said quietly instead of a good morning, trying to sound like it wasn't a big deal.
“Oh but you looked sooo peaceful Remy, we just couldn’t bring ourselves to wake you,” James answered grinning up at him.
Remus smiled nervously. “What did you call me?”
“Remy?” James looked at him, imitating a puppy. “What? you don’t like it?” He asked innocently.
Remus just shook his head and sat down next to Peter. Subtly as if it was a quiet soundtrack to a movie, Remus could feel his friends' heartbeats like vibrations in the air, he could hear the sound of their blood rushing through their veins. Rubbing his sweaty hands on his trousers, Remus then began to pile bacon on his plate, earning a surprised look from both James and Peter.
“What? Breakfast is the most important meal of the day...” He muttered bashfully. The others laughed. He smiled weakly though he knew the real reason he was so hungry wasn't because it was an 'important meal' but because the full moon was getting closer and Remus could feel it in the way he could hear Peter's stomach next to him and James's breathing in front of him.
When he looked over to Sirius, he noticed that the other boy was looking anywhere but him. His plate, the ceiling, James, Peter, even Lily Evans. Throughout the remaining breakfast, Remus tried making eye contact with Sirius but the black-haired boy didn’t look in his direction.
Not once.