Full Moon (year 1)
On the day of the full moon Remus was ill. He was ill on those days, although his dormmates obviously didn't know that. James was the first to notice, as he was now accustomed to Remus waking up at around the same time as him so when he didn't James tip toed over to his bed. Apparently the whole you looked so peaceful and we didnt' want to wake you didn't matter anymore, Remus thought to himself bitterly.
"Remus," James poked the smaller boy, "Remus."
“Stop...I’m awake.” Remus mumbled.
“Lad...are you ok?” James asked in a concerned voice, “You look a bit...peaky.”
“What? No! I mean yeah i’m ok I don’t...look peaky.” Remus opened his eyes with great difficulty. Curse the moon and its dumb cycles. “See look! I’m just tired that’s all.”
“Yes but you’re always tired, usually you just pretend not to be.”
“Sorry I guess.”
“It’s fine...Look, maybe we should go to the hospital wing, yeah?”
“No!” Suddenly Remus felt wide awake. He knew it was stupid but he wasn’t ready to see the hospital wing. He knew for the next few years of his life that place would always be a reminder to him about what he is and he didn’t want to experience that shame yet. Not when it was so early in the morning.
James looked at him in surprise.
“What’s going on?” A drowsy voice from behind them asked. Peter was standing at his bed rubbing his eyes.
“Nothing.” Remus said, “Go back to bed.”
"Well do you want to go to breakfast then?" James asked.
Remus felt sick at the thought of food. "No." He said truthfully.
"Do you....do you want to come on a walk with me?"
Remus laughed, "that's what you do in the mornings? You go on walks?"
James looked taken aback, "Walks are great! The wake you up...and boost your immune system...and..."
"Yeah, yeah let's go." Remus finally decided.
Remus got up and closed his eyes rubbing his forehead with his hand. He did feel ill. He had a headache and his head felt warm and heavy. The only difference was that he actually knew why he felt this way. Remus sighed. Usually, when he felt like this his parents would make him some tea, and wrap a blanket around his shoulders, and his dad would read him something about archaeology or astronomy, or his mother would sing him a song that her grandparents used to sing to her. Remus tried not to think about that.
The next few minutes were a blur as Remus changed his clothes and left the dorm. It took about five minutes for Remus to realize that they were going in the wrong direction to go outside and it took him about one more minute to realize where James was leading him to instead.
“Wait no! I told you I'm not ill! I don’t want to go to the hospital wing.”
“Why not?” James said as he continued walking.
“Because...Because I don’t want to.”
“That’s a stupid reason. You’re obviously ill.”
“Fine! Let’s go to the hospital wing and Madam Pomfrey can tell you herself that I’m not ill.”
“Great.” Said, James.
When they finally did arrive at the hospital wing a few seconds passed in which Remus thought, or maybe hoped that Madam Pomfrey wasn’t there yet, but before he could voice this outloud a short woman wearing an apron came bustling around the corner.
“What are you two doing here?” She asked. “Are you hurt?”
“No,” Remus said.
“Yes,” James said. “He’s ill.”
Madam Pomfrey raised her eyebrows, “What’s your name, dear?”
Remus swallowed and averted his eyes to the ground. “Remus Lupin.”
“Remus Lupin...oH-” Madam Pomfrey's eyes widened. “....Well Mr. Lupin I’m sure you’re just tired, it’s pretty early in the morning after all.”
James stared at her, “He’s definitely ill. Don’t you see how pale he is? He looks like he’s about to pass out.”
“And since when do you know more about someone's health than me, Mr.-?”
“Potter, Madam. And since he’s my friend I can tell something is wrong.”
Remus felt his heart skip a beat. Friend. James thought of him as a friend! James Potter, the confident, funny, happy James Potter thought of him Remus Lupin as a friend! He was so surprised he almost didn’t realize James was talking again.
“Look! He’s not even listening! He’s completely out of it!”
“No I am! Listening, that is.” Remus argued, “James the truth is, I'm just feeling a little under the weather because...I have to go home to see my mum today. And I haven’t told anyone.”
James stopped arguing with Madam Pomfrey and looked over at Remus.
“Your mum? Oh…she’s...she’s ill right? Some sort of...muggle disease?”
“Yes.” Remus said quietly
.
“Ah Remus I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize...I just I didn’t mean to....”
“It’s ok. Really it’s fine. Let’s just go?”
“Yeah of course.” James put his hand on Remus’s shoulder.
“How about some exploding snap, eh?”
Remus nodded gratefully, watching from his peripheral vision as Madam Pomfrey bit her lip.
_ _ _ _
By dinner Remus felt so tired that he felt like he would collapse any minute. And somehow everyone seemed to have noticed too. Even Sirius felt so awkward that he was now talking to Remus again.
“Are you sure you should really be going to visit your mum today?” He asked Remus scooping some mashed potato onto his plate.
“Huh? Oh, yeah I have to go.” Remus rubbed his eyes with his hand, and felt the muscles in his finger spasm for a few seconds before settling down again. Somehow the bright lights in the great hall made feel even drowsier and weaker than before.
“-to go?” James was saying.
“Sorry what?” Remus asked, blinking a few times.
“I said, why do you have to go?”
“I just...Jeez guys my mum is ill ok? I need to visit her!” Remus cried exasperatingly. The three boys stared at him in surprise.
“I’m sorry to hear that Remus. But I do think that maybe you should postpone your visit.”
Remus jumped in his seat. “Lily? What the hell? Since when are you here?!” Next to him Lily Evans was tapping her fingernails on the table staring at him with her huge green eyes.
“What do you mean? I was here the whole time.”
James and Sirius exchanged a look , “Mate-”
“You guys are driving me insane! My mum is ILL and I want to see her! Can you all stay out of it!....please.”
Everyone stayed silent after that. Remus felt an odd sense of accomplishment after that. As if he was proud that he could silence them just by raising his voice. It was almost a perfect dramatic exit when he decided to leave, except that he tripped on his way out and almost ran into a hufflepuff third year.
“Lupin you ok?” James called after him.
“Never better!” Remus called back, somewhat forcefully.
When he arrived at the hospital wing Madam Pomfrey was surprised to see him.
“Mr. Lupin! You’re a little bit early. Are you feeling alright?”
Remus sat down heavily on the nearest empty bed. “Hm? Yeah sure yeah i’m fine. Just a little tired. But that’s normal...on...I mean...when…” He sighed, blinking a few times. It was hard to concentrate.
“Have you eaten anything Mr Lupin?”
“Remus. Call me Remus please. Mr Lupin makes me feel really old...like i’m my dad or something...No I haven’t eaten. It’s hard to eat on...I always feel really sick...before... so i’d rather skip dinner.”
“Alright Remus. Well how about you rest for a few minutes and I'll come collect you when it’s time to go.”
Remus sighed again and leaned backwards into the bed not bothering to take off his shoes.
What felt like only seconds later Madam Pomfrey was shaking him awake from a light doze.
The Whomping Willow, as it was called, danced menacingly in the wind, and as the two of them got closer to it, it thrashed more and more as if it could sense their presence. Madam Pomfrey held out a hand to stop Remus then bent down and picked up a long stick that was laying on the ground by her feet. Leaning forwards she pushed the stick out so that the tip of it prodded a small knot at the base of the tree. Immediately the willow stopped moving; freezing like a paused video tape. In awe, Remus followed Madam Pomfrey across the grass to the willow where she crawled through a small hidden hole, through a narrow tunnel. A few minutes later Remus found himself in an abandoned, wooden, sort of house. All the windows and doors were boarded shut except for the door which they had come through, which Remus noticed had three different locks on it.
“So this is where…?” Remus tried to keep a light tone in his voice.
“Yes.” Madam Pomfrey said, smiling stiffly. “Tomorrow, first thing in the morning I will come here to pick you up so there is no need to worry at all.”
“Yeah it’s good. I’ll be fine.” Remus said, walking around the room exploring every corner, hoping that somehow the wolf inside of him was watching, and getting comfortable with the place.
“You should probably go now…” Remus said quietly.
“Yes, of course. Well...good luck.”
“Thanks.”
Remus avoided eye contact and started inching towards one corner of the biggest room that had a small bed in the corner. He sat down on it, and the bed creaked underneath his weight. The muscles in his hands spasmed uncomfortable again. And he rubbed them together uneasily. After a while his legs and arms started twitching too, and then his face and all he could do was move around uneasily feeling the calm before the storm. This was the worst part. For a long time he thought the worst part was the middle of the night. When the wolf was completely in control. But now he realized that wasn’t true. The worst part was feeling how you were slowly losing yourself. How suddenly he couldn’t control his legs anymore. And then his arms and then his face and how slowly his vision seemed to go colorless and the only thoughts that were penetrating his mind were that of pain and danger. How he knew he was about to go through terrible agony and couldn’t do anything about it. Panting Remus lowered himself on the ground. There was a burning in his veins, his blood was now fire and suddenly he wasn’t Remus Lupin anymore. Remus had no idea how long his transformations took. Each varied. Some were very quick and some were very very slow. This one seemed fine. It wasn’t very quick but it wasn’t terribly slow, and when Remus woke up the next morning his throat raw from screaming and his bones aching from all the unnatural changes his body had gone through all he could do was lay on the ground, breathing heavily, and smile at the thought that he had done it. He had survived another full moon.
As promised Madam Pomfrey came to check on him first thing in the morning. He could hear her footsteps and the beating of her heart as she quietly entered the room he was laying in. Instead of sitting on the bed Remus was curled up in a ball in the corner of the room, his eyes closed but his mind wide awake.
“Remus dear, are you awake?” Madam Pomfrey asked. Remus nodded his head and sat up holding the side of his stomach which he just realized was bleeding from a new gash.
“Remus!” James Potter burst through the door of the common room that evening. “How are you, mate? How’s your mum?”
Remus looked up from his astronomy homework and gave James a weak smile.
“Yeah, she’s good. Fine.”
James grinned and sat down next to Remus ruffling his hair. He seemed genuinely happy to see Remus. A moment later both Peter and Sirius walked into the room too, smiling at Remus.
“Hey Remy!” Peter said sitting down next to James. Sirius sat down on Remus’s other side, and Remus was suddenly aware that Sirius was looking him straight in the eyes again with no embarrassment.
“So how are you Remy?” Sirius asked. “You still look a bit pale if you ask me.”
“Good thing i’m not asking you then.” Remus set aside his astronomy homework and then suddenly stopped when he realized what he had said. All three boys looked at him with their eyes wide. Peter burst out laughing and pointed at Sirius not being able to form words. Remus blushed deeply.
“Oh no wait I didn’t mean-” He stammered apologetically.
James laughed too, “No worries Remy, Sirius needs a bit of a sarcastic comment every once in a while. It’ll keep him grounded, ain't that right Black?”
“Oi, shut it Potter!” Sirius cried picking up his wand. James laughed and ran his hand through his hair, “Why? What are you gonna do about it?”
Sirius threw aside his wand and tackled James to the ground laughing hysterically.
“What in the name of god are you two doing?” The door slammed shut behind Lily Evans, as she, Dorcas and Marlene walked into the common room staring at the four boys. Remus shrugged helplessly but he couldn’t help smiling.
“Oh Remus you’re back!” Lily beamed at Remus sitting down on the couch next to him where Sirius had been sitting just moments before. “I do hope your mum will get better. I assume the visit was fun was it?”
“Oh…” Remus said feeling his mood dampen a bit. “Yeah it was...fun.” The word tasted somewhat bitter in his mouth after the full moon.
“Hey Lily,” Marlene interrupted from where she was standing with Dorcas, “we’re gonna go ahead and wait for you upstairs alright?”
Lily turned around and smiled at them though she looked slightly tense, “Yeah sure.”
Remus raised his eyebrows at her then took her hand and led her away from the commotion that was the rest of the common room and into a quieter corner near the fireplace.
“Are you...ok?” He asked quietly. Lily’s green eyes seemed to darken.
“Yeah of course.”
Remus stared at her.
“I just...I don’t know. Marlene and Dorcas are great they really are but...I don’t think I can imagine myself ever being very close friends with them.”
“Hey that's ok.” Remus smiled, “I’ll always be your friend.”
Lily smiled back at him and brushed some of her red hair out of her face.
“Thanks Remus.” Then she smirked at him, “Or should I say Remy.”
Remus laughed, “Ugh please don’t.”
At the other end of the common room , James, Sirius and Peter were now sitting on the couch their legs crossed.
“Oi Lupin, you got yourself a girlfriend?” James smirked when Lily and Remus joined them on the couch.
“Oh give it a rest Potter,” Lily answered and turned around to go upstairs to the girls dormitories. Peter bit his lip.
“I don’t think Lily Evans likes you at all, mate.” He said nervously.
James shrugged, “Whatever. I don’t like her either.”
“Sure thing, James.”
“Shut it Black.”