For Aqours (Chikanan)
They were outside her family’s dive shop. Kanan leaned on the porch railing, Chika staring out to the afternoon scenery. There was a silence between them, but they both knew something had to be done.
“So, how long have you felt this way?” Kanan asked. She thought to ease the conversation, but they’ve known each other long enough to be direct with each other.
Chika didn’t look her way, but she sighed, her figure sinking low against the wooden rail. It was her stupid mistake. Words that slipped out on accident. She had always done her best to keep it bottled up. How could she had been so careless? “Since we were kids.”
An answer Kanan hadn’t expected, but she nodded, chewing the next question on her bottom lip. “Didn’t you say you liked You or something?” Her memory was hazy, but she remembered something along those lines for sure.
“You read my Tanabata wish when I asked you to hang it up for me back in middle school,” Chika explained, her voice a fragile softness. “And I wished the person I liked would feel the same way.”
“Yeah, b-but... You wrote her name on it, didn’t you?” Kanan sputtered, her mind trying to remember all of this.
Chika sighed, shaking her head. “I wrote, ‘someone who likes to swim.’”
“Isn’t that-“ Kanan’s words stopped at her throat when Chika suddenly pushed herself off the rail, meeting her eyes. A vibrant pink, glassy with tears.
“No. It was you, Kanan, and it still is.” She pushed her words out in a frustrated breath, but the fire in her tone flickered out. “...Is it so hard to believe? Is it so bad to be liked by me?”
“No! Chika, that’s not it,” Kanan quickly explained, waving frantic hands in front of her. She took a deep breath, calming her mind. She had to be the composed one between them. “I’m just surprised, okay? I was always under this assumption because you two spend so much time together. Even back then.”
Chika blinked, her lips parting without a voice for a moment. “But... I spent a lot of time with you too, Kanan.”
It was a valid point, one Kanan didn’t think to account for. In reality, she was having a hard time processing everything. The confession, if she could call it that, came out of the blue and, judging from Chika’s demeanor, was completely on accident. Something that was never meant to be said.
Kanan decided that if she never wanted to be said, the least she could do was steer it away gently. She had to be the mature one between them. She was the senior, after all.
“Chika, let me ask you something,” There was a pause as she waited for Chika’s response. A silent nod prompted her to continue. “Now that we know, what do you want to do?”
There was a certain disconnect in Kanan’s question. It seemed more like an adult entertaining the whims of a child, and Chika realized this too. She frowned. Her hands balled into fists. “What’s with that question? I’m serious!”
“I’m not saying you’re not, I mean-“ Again, Kanan was cut off. Chika stepped forward, her words sharp, her tone angry.
“No! I’m not the same kid you had to encourage to jump. I know what I feel, and I know I’m not ready to tell you now!”
“That’s why I’m talking about this carefully. Because you didn’t want me to know!” Kanan was raising her voice to rival hers. She crossed her arms, staring Chika down.
“That’s even worse!” She fired back, frustrated. “Just, let me know what you feel, at least!”
Chika closed the distance between them, staring up with a defiant glare. Kanan knew she had to be the composed one, but at that moment, everything slipped.
“What I feel?” Kanan repeated mockingly. She returned the glare. Nothing masked her emotions. “I’m confused! I’ve known you since we were kids, and I didn’t know! I’m supposed to know this, being the older one.” She took firm steps forward, causing Chika to step back in turn. “I looked after you like a sister until my first year in high school. Even then, I had to think of others. There was Dia who always worried, and Mari who kept pushing herself until it almost got her really hurt.”
Chika quietly gasped when she felt the wooden railing against her back. There was nowhere to run. In front of her, Kanan stole the gap between them. Chika mustered the courage to meet her eyes. They were the same elegant violet she fell in love with, but they were hurting. They were confused.
They were exactly like hers when she first realized her feelings for Kanan.
“Now everyone’s together, and I know I don’t have to, but I have to think about everyone else.” Her breath hitched, tears prickling at the corner of her eyes. “Tell me, how can I do that if I end up thinking about only you?”
Kanan paused, her mind catching the next thing she was going to say. It was unfair. She was supposed to be the calmer one. But she was frustrated. She can’t lie to anyone, but most of all she can’t lie to herself. So, she drew a shallow breath, saying her worry to the air.
“How can I look after you if I fall in love with you?”