For Each Other (Chikanan)
Sand crunched beneath her shoes, her steps harsh, pointed, and angry. Behind hers was a frantic rush, desperate to catch up.
“Kanan! Wait!” This was the fifth time she’s heard the call of her name, and she just had about enough. Her heels dug in the sand, turning around. Now in view, Chika ran faster, only to stop at the harsh snap of Kanan’s voice.
“How could you do that?!” She pointed a finger. Chika recoiled. Her mouth hung open in shock. She knew this was different than last time. Now, Kanan was truly angry. “Did you think that would make things better? As if a random kiss will solve this problem like a romance movie!”
A silence settled thick between them. Their problems realized abruptly like a bat to the head. Chika was in love with Kanan, and the heat of the moment spurred her on, closing the gap and meeting their lips in a sudden kiss. She had finally pulled off a move in their choreography, much to the applause of the rest of Aqours, Kanan especially. She got too close, or rather, Chika moved closer. Whatever happened, their lips met in front of the other members.
As for Kanan, she didn’t want to be in love, and she wouldn’t let her heart think it over. Love lost her Mari and their dreams of being school idols in their first year. For her, the emotion spelled trouble, and she’d do her damnedest to keep away.
Now, everything had ended up the way they did. Kanan pushed her away before storming off. Only one chased after her, and it was the last person she wanted to speak with right now.
“I’m sorry, Kanan,” Chika started, her gaze dropping to the ground. Her feet shuffled against the sand. “I... I was just so excited, and you got close and I just-“
“Just kissed me?” Kanan finished, her scowl deepening. “Chika, what you feel-“ She stopped, the words catching in her throat. She can’t lie, but she knew better than to invalidate Chika’s feelings, whatever they may be. “I don’t want this to go any farther.”
“Why?!” In front of her, Chika took a stance, but tears had welled up at the corner of her eyes. “Why is it so bad? Is it because we’re both girls?! Is it because of me?!” Her voice broke at the last question, desperately hoping the latter wouldn’t be the case.
“I can’t love you, Chika! Why can’t you understand that?” Kanan raised her voice, the composure slipping. The sight of tears did nothing to calm them down, only urging both parties to lay down what they held in their heart out in the open.
“I don’t understand why you can’t!” Chika choked back her sobs, but the familiar witness of tears streamed down her cheeks. “Maybe I don’t want to understand, but I want to help!”
“This isn’t how this works, Chika.” Kanan fired back, growling in frustration. She wanted to be the logical and calm senior. How did it come to this? Did she secretly want to harbor feelings toward Chika?
Kanan stopped listening to anything. Never again. She had lost everything from a love that was too much. At least now, she can spare someone from the same fate. “It’s because it’s you, Chika, that I can’t.” She sighed through gritted teeth, holding her temple. “Do you get it? This can’t go on.”
Chika stood there, frozen. Kanan’s words sank in her chest. It stabbed her, but it left her angry. All this time, her tone is still much like the Kanan that hid her true intentions, deciding to shelf her true feelings in favor of an easier outcome.
She hoped it was that, and not just her mind desperately convincing herself that she still had a chance at her heart.
“You keep telling me it can’t, but what does that mean to me?!” Chika fisted the fabric of her shirt’s center, trapping their gaze in an unbreakable exchange. “I love you, Kanan. And I’ll still love you even if you tell me I can’t!”
“I can handle that. You can reject me, that would be better...” Saying it was bitter enough, but Chika soldiered through, her gaze hardening. “But why are you acting like my love isn’t real?” Her cries resounding through the evening air. It left Kanan stunned, at a complete loss for words.
“Why can’t it be me? I now I’m not smart like Dia, or gorgeous like Mari! I’m clumsy, untalented, and boring! But I’m trying my best! For Aqours, for us, for you!” Chika poured everything out. Her heart, her tears, her sorrows.
Their eyes never left each other’s, and the guilt kept gnawing at Kanan’s stomach.
“I’m giving it my all so I can shine just as bright! I-is it not enough?” Chika’s words trailed off, replaced by choked cries. When the air was silent, Kanan took her chance to speak, and she had every intention to pay the honest in kind. One way or another, she resolved to end it on this beach.
“You idiot! It’s because you’re trying so hard!” Kanan took purposeful steps forward, closing the gap between them. Chika dug her heels in the sand, and she was in front of her. “You’re already shining so bright, Chika! But that can’t exist if I’m next to you like this! Aqours shines because you support everyone, and everyone supports you!”
Kanan gripped her wrist, pulling her close. There was a determination in Kanan’s eyes. A firm resolve to bear every pain, heartache, and burden. “I can’t take that away. What will I do if I end up being the reason why Aqours fails a second time?”
It was then where Chika understood where Kanan wanted to stand. Yet, she was still angry, still hopeful. She still loved her and wanted to be loved back. “But, Kanan-!”
“Chika,” There was a somber finality in her tone that stopped her. Kanan leaned down, and for a moment that passed too quickly, Chika felt a warm touch meet her lips.
Kanan promised that to be her last selfish desire. She drew away, her breath a hot sigh. “I love you, Chika. But I can’t love you back.”
Chika tried to reach out, but she was frozen. She could only watch Kanan step away, the distance growing. “Please... Put your love into Aqours, instead. Love everyone, not just me.”
She said nothing else, then walked away, leaving Chika alone in the growing night.