And She Was Drowning Too
If you ask others about Jinsol and Jiwoo's relationship, they're all gonna say the same thing: "I don't know."
Why? Because even neither of the two knows what they actually are.
Sometimes they're inseparable and would either be holding hands or linking arms; sometimes they'll just flash each other one brief smile and then that's it.
They're just continuously going back and forth between the line of 'just friends' and 'lovers'—always hesitating, never actually crossing.
Where'd it all started?
The both of them were part of the same circle of friends, making the two naturally close.
But their thing started when Jiwoo answered Jinsol's name when she was asked whom she finds the most attractive among her eleven friends during a stupid game of truth or dare when they had a small party at Sooyoung's.
Instead of making things awkward, Jinsol just teased her about it instead—endlessly, that is.
At first, the teasing was only done for fun, to annoy Jiwoo.
("You're so fun to tease. You look really cute when you're annoyed." Jinsol used to tell her before.)
But something in their friendly relationship shifted when their friends started teasing them as well, telling them that they look good together.
Maybe they did consider their words—or maybe they both already knew even before their friends did, they just chose to act upon it when it was pointed out.
So then it began: the longing stares, the late night talks, the more frequent hangouts, the eye-reaching smiles, the cuddles, the holding hands, the affectionate hugs, the movie nights, the fun singing sessions, the dinners, and the sweet little kisses.
They do things that couples do—except, they are no I love you's.
It was an unspoken rule set by Jinsol, and a rule that Jiwoo obeyed despite feeling her heart break.
Jinsol was too scared with the idea of falling deep, so she covered her ears and kept her eyes closed; she didn't see Jiwoo drowning, struggling to save herself, desperately calling for help—she couldn't save her.
When she's already in so deep, Jiwoo had only realized that Jinsol wasn't ready to commit herself, to be attached, to be in a serious relationship; Jiwoo couldn't do anything but just let herself fall deeper—she chose to drown.
And they went on like that, hurting yet still loving—or if you can even call that love—their relationship having no label.
"What are guys?" Jungeun asked them when she's finally had enough of the stupid game that the two are playing. Jiwoo didn't know the answer herself, so she just looked at the girl beside her, also waiting for what she'll say, but no words left Jinsol's mouth—she only looked down.
"We're here." Sooyoung informs as she stopped the car in front of Jinsol's house. "She's waiting for you, go."
("Jiwoo, are you drunk?"
"What do you mean? Stop judging me."
"No, I—I'm not judging you, no, it's just that.. it's the only plausible explanation that I could think of.."
"Would I be talking to you right now if I were drunk?"
"You won't be talking to me at all if you weren't. You.. you forget about my whole existence when you're sober."
"..."
"Jiwoo? Hey, are you still there?"
"Don't tell Jungeun and Heejin. They'll get Hyejoo to beat your ass, again. Well, Yerim and Chae's gonna calm her down but yeah.."
"Yeah, uh, sure, I won't tell them anything. But why did you call me instead of Jungeun? I mean—"
"I'm outside your house right now. Can you come outside?"
"Jiwoo what—wait, are you really there?"
"Nevermind. This is ridiculous. God, I look so stupid right now. You know what forget about it—")
Being reminded of the reason why she was there, the younger's body stiffens, her mouth going dry with the nervousness that suddenly kicked in her system.
"Sooyoung, I'm scared... what if I break her heart again?"
The slightly taller girl's heart aches double hearing her same-aged friend sound this vulnerable and scared when all she's ever saw for the past two months was the blank and emotionless Jinsol, as if she's buried all her emotions away.
This whole time, she's kept it all to herself.
She didn't show them any drop of tears; She didn't let them hear how sad and broken she was.
Only letting it all out when no one's looking was what she did.
The older feels bad that she had to suffer alone, with their other friends even turning their backs away from her.
(Sooyoung would've turned her back on her as well but she knew Jinsol like the back of her hand; she knew her reasons, her fears, so she chose to stay and to understand.)
"Hey, it's alright. Just tell her everything that you should have back then. You got this, Sol. Just listen to your heart." To ease the nervousness of her bestfriend, Sooyoung went to reach for her hand, giving it a squeeze that says, "Everything's gonna be alright."
Jinsol got the message, her nerves starting to calm down. "Thank you, Soo."
For the first time in months, the older saw something in the younger one's eyes; In her usually emotionless eyes, there's a speck of hope, and despite it being barely there, Sooyoung's just glad to spot it—they weren't blank anymore, finally.
When Sooyoung left, Jinsol hurriedly walks towards her front door, only to stop midway when her eyes caught a sight of the girl who's made her feel so much at once.
(But all that she's made her feel in return was pain.)
There, in her doorsteps, sits a drunk Jiwoo who's too busy mumbling things under her breath to even notice her presence.
(She didn't leave. Unlike Jinsol, she stayed.)
And Jinsol forgets how to breathe right there and then.
Weird, because don't you need oxygen to keep your heart beating?
So why, why did Jinsol's heart felt alive more than ever, like it had finally remembered how to function after its two-month-long break—it's Jiwoo who makes her breathe, who makes her feel alive.
It had always been Jiwoo.
Her body's gone numb, she can't even feel anything anymore, but she could hear her heart, she could hear it beating, the sound getting louder with every step that she takes towards the younger.
(She listened to her heart.)
And before she even knew it, she was already in front of Jiwoo.
(Now, she doesn't just hear her heart, she could feel it too.)
But just like her, the younger seems to have thousands of thoughts running in her head to take in everything around her as yet again, she fails to notice Jinsol standing in front of her.
Jinsol's done running away, this time, she's gonna make her presence known; she bent down to match the girl's height, hand moving on its own to settle above the latter's knee, "Hey," and before she even knew it, a word had already left her mouth.
(After months of drowning in regrets, Jinsol's finally decided to save herself; she finally decided to do something.)
When Jiwoo looked up and their eyes met, Jinsol thought that she was looking in a mirror; Jiwoo's eyes were just like hers—blank and empty.
"Jinsol."
Back then, Jinsol's heart would leap with happiness whenever the younger calls her name, but now her heart breaks instead; Jiwoo's voice used to be as sweet as honey, velvety, making you feel at bliss with how heavenly it sounds, but now it's laced with pain, filled with thorns that pricks Jinsol's heart and her whole being—it hurts.
(It hurts more knowing that she's caused this.)
"You're here." The hint of surprise in her voice was clear to indicate that the younger wasn't really expecting her to be there.
(She was used with Jinsol running away.)
"Yeah, I'm here." The taller of the two was equally surprised herself, she wasn't expecting to talk to Jiwoo again, more so, to have her in front of her—she thought she's lost her forever.
Despite her gaze being hazy, Jiwoo kept her eyes trained on the girl in front of her. "Are you real?" She raised her hand, seemingly reaching for the older but stopped midway, eventually closing her hand into a fist before bringing it back down. "Who am I kidding? Of course.. of course, you're not real.. just... just an illusion created by my desperate self."
"Jiwoo," After building up all to courage, Jinsol grabbed the smaller girl's hand, hoping that it'll be enough to make the latter believe that it was indeed her, but Jiwoo's hand was like Jinsol's heart—ice cold.
"God, Jiwoo—how long have you been here?" It was just now that she's realized how cold it has become, so she stood up, pulling the girl along with her. "Come on, let's go inside. It's getting cold in here, you're gonna get sick."
At first, Jiwoo let herself get dragged by the older but after a few steps, she stopped in her tracks, standing still, her gaze locked on their hands. "Why?" She asked, more like a whisper, spoken so soft yet sounded so broken.
It may only be a word that was asked but hundreds of unanswered questions lies behind that three-letter word; there's more to that question, they both knew that—they pretend that they don't.
"Why do you care—no," pulling her hand away, Jiwoo lifted her gaze to look at the latter, her gaze sharp. "Why do you pretend that you care?"
"Jiwoo, I do care. I care about you—"
(That was the last thing she's told Jiwoo before exiting her life.)
A scoff. Then a bitter laugh.
"You've said the same thing before, Jinsol. You've always said the same thing.. but then you walked away." Her eyes became glossy not because of the alcohol, but because of the tears that were yet to fall. "You left me."