With Love, They Were Saved
"Jinsol, what are we?" As soon as they've arrived at her place, with the older driving her home, Jiwoo asked the same question that Jungeun had asked them earlier.
"What?" The slightly taller girl flinched, surprised to hear the question that they've she's been trying to avoid.
"I couldn't give Jungeun an answer earlier because I don't really have any idea on what we are so I waited for you to answer, to say something, anything, but you didn't." The frustration was evidently visible in her eyes. "Why didn't you say anything?"
Jinsol opened her mouth to give the latter an answer but her brain doesn't have any answer to give. "Jiwoo, please, let's just drop this topic—"
(Her heart has the answer to all those questions.)
(She didn't listen.)
"No, Jinsol," Jiwoo counters as she snaps her head to cast a sharp gaze at the other. "We need to talk about this. "
Jinsol looks away, eyes looking everywhere but Jiwoo—the girl whom she loves to look at.
"Listen, I'm sorry if I'm letting my emotions get the best of me right now but I just—" From the corner of her eyes, Jinsol saw how the younger's fist clenched then unclenched, an effort to try and suppress her still building frustration. "Sol, I just need you to tell me what the fuck are we because I don't know—I'm so tired of guessing."
(This was the first time she's heard Jiwoo—the rainbows and butterflies Jiwoo—curse.)
"I— I don't know." Jinsol looked up, briefly meeting Jiwoo's eyes before looking down. "I don't know, Jiwoo."
"You don't know? What the fuck does that mean?" Jiwoo frustratedly runs her fingers through her hair, a dry chuckle leaving her trembling lips. "It's been months, months of playing this.. this game that I don't even know the rules of! I don't know how your game works nor what character am I playing— I don't even know if I'm still in the game or if I've already lost!"
"Jiwoo I—" Finally keeping her eyes trained on the other girl, Jinsol sees the most painful sight she's ever seen—a broken Jiwoo. "This is not a game for me. What we have is not a game."
"Then what is it? What is it that we have?"
"That's not what's important. What matters more is that we're together—"
"Are we even together, Jinsol? Is there even an us?" Jiwoo bites back the sob that's threatening to escape her lips when she didn't get any reply from the girl. "Did you even love me? Or genuinely liked me at least?"
"I care about you, Jiwoo."
(That was Jinsol's way of saying I love you.)
(Jiwoo didn't knew.)
"Please, go, Jinsol. Leave. Just leave."
And Jinsol did leave, not knowing that Jiwoo was actually asking her to stay.
Every day, Jinsol thought she's become a zombie: a lifeless individual who's only left with nothing but a numb, empty body; today's different because instead of feeling nothing, every bit of herself aches.
Jiwoo looked so broken, so vulnerable, yet, the words that flowed bitterly from her lips were so sharp, scraping Jinsol's skin and then piercing her heart; it had clung onto her damaged soul like a tattoo, painfully mocking her, forever reminding her of her grave mistake.
There are thousands of words that the older wanted to tell the latter; words that she wanted her to hear, but those words suddenly disappeared, only leaving her with three: "I love you I'm so sorry."
"Is that all that you're gonna say?" With a scoff, she looked at the taller with hurt in her eyes. "Is that it, Jinsol?"
"I—" Jinsol really wanted to say more, she's been waiting for this chance; Jiwoo's finally there, in front of her, but nothing's coming out, as if she's lost her voice.
Jiwoo looked at her the same way she did that day when she told Jinsol to leave: tired, hurt, broken.
"I should've never came." She whispered, silently screaming her pain.
When she saw that the girl was about to leave, Jinsol snapped out of her trance, her lips parting to say the only words that she could think of right now. "I care about you, Jiwoo."
Hearing those words caused a dry, bitter chuckle to escape from the girl's cold trembling lips. "You care about me?" Jiwoo asked with a scoff before taking large steps towards the older, her eyes filled with so many emotions but two stood out the most: pain and anger.
"You—" Now standing in front of her, Jiwoo points an accusing finger at Jinsol. "You. Broke. My. Heart." She jabs her finger into her chest with each word to put emphasize.
(Jinsol felt like she was being stabbed.)
"I know.." She uttered while clenching her fist with her knuckles turning white, and shape of crescents forming on her palm as her fingernails dug into them.
(She was mad at herself too.)
"Why?" Jiwoo exhales shakily with a sniff, her vision becoming blurry with the tears forming in her eyes. "Why did you do that?"
And her tears began to fall.
With the painful sight in front of her, Jinsol couldn't help but let her arms reach for the girl, wrapping them around her small figure, repeatedly saying "I'm sorry."
She didn't know if the younger wanted to be held—especially by her—so she kept her arms lose for the latter to be able to remove herself easily from her hold, but Jiwoo just stayed there, in her arms.
"Why did you let me risk it all alone? Why did you let me fall so deep? Why did you let me drown with all those feelings by myself? Why didn't you save me?" Through her heartbreaking sobs, she asked, clenched fist weakly hitting the taller's chest with each and every question.
"I was scared. I was so scared, Jiwoo." Finally swallowing the lump in her throat, she admits, unconsciously tightening her hold on the younger, only to loosen it again when Jiwoo slightly pulls away.
"But I was there with you, Jinsol. I was right beside you." Jiwoo reminds her with a breathless whisper. "All you needed to do was tell me that you were scared and I would've held your hand."
"That's what scared me the most," Jinsol bites her lips so hard that it started to bleed. "That I was with you."
Jiwoo retracts herself from Jinsol.
"Oh, you were scared because it's me that was there with you." With a crestfallen face, Jiwoo lets her gaze fall to the ground. "Is that why you kept holding back? Am I not worthy to be held, Jinsol?"
"No, of course, you're worthy! You're so fucking worthy, Jiwoo."
(Jinsol's mind weren't blank anymore.)
"Anyone would be so damn lucky to have you. Even just having the chance to see you is already a blessing because you're Kim Jiwoo, one of a kind, the greatest thing to ever happen in this world!" Jinsol reached to grab and hold Jiwoo's hand. "You're the best thing I've ever had."
(All the words she's been wanting her to hear are finally coming back.)
Jiwoo slowly pulls her hand away from Jinsol's. "Yet you were so scared of me."
"I'm not scared of you. I'm scared for you." Jinsol runs her fingers through her hair and licks her now dry and slightly chapped lips. "It's just that—I care about you so much, so fucking much that I was scared of ruining everything for you."
"You left because you didn't wanna ruin me? Well, sorry to inform you but your logic failed. You didn't save shit, Jinsol, you just tore me apart!" The anger that had welled up in her chest flowed out from her lips like lava, so hot that it burns.
"I know that I told you to leave that day, but you're smart Jinsol! You should have known that I was asking you to do something, to stay!" Jiwoo cries out, words heavy with the weight of all her frustrations being placed upon it. "But the only thing that you knew was to walk away."
"I wanted to stay, Jiwoo—"
"Then why didn't you?"
"Because you're leaving." Jinsol weakly says, her eyes flickering to the ground.
"What—" Confusion painted Jiwoo's face. Lots of questions started filling her head but before she could even ask any of them, Jinsol had already opened her mouth to explain.
Jinsol lifted her gaze, her eyes meeting Jiwoo's. "I knew about you leaving the country for that offer that you got."
With her mouth agape along with her widened eyes, Jiwoo was obviously taken aback; only her family knew about that, she didn't even tell Jungeun and the others about it. "How did you know about that?"
"I didn't mean to but I happen to overheard you and your mother talking to that talent scout when I came to watch that recital you were so excited about," Jinsol admits with hesitation, her fingers nervously fiddling with the hem of her jacket.
"Wait what?" Jiwoo felt her head spinning with the information that she was given, but there's still a lot of things that she wants to know. "But you were really sick that day. You were even advised by your doctor to stay at home and rest." She muttered, an unreadable expression present on her face.
"Yeah, but I want to watch you perform, and you were so excited about it. I can't just miss it like that." It almost came out as a whisper but the sincerity that enveloped her words made it loud enough for the younger to hear.
Silence engulfed the two, their mouths shut, not leaving a single word, unlike their minds—loud and messy.
Jinsol was still processing all the words that she's kept within; Jiwoo was still in the process of letting everything sink in.
"Why?" Jiwoo's voice filled the air after a whole minute of being nothing but silence. "Why didn't you approach me? Why didn't you let me know that you were there? Why did you just leave?"
"Because I was afraid," Jinsol answers without missing a beat, her voice coming out breathless. "I was afraid to get in your way, to hurt you, to ruin things for you. The offer that you got was great! It'll be a huge step for you and your dreams. I was so happy for you, so proud. You were building your future so well, and I.. I didn't wanna ruin it. "
"Jinsol.." Jiwoo quietly calls, with her personality, she didn't really have any problems with expressing herself but now, she didn't really know how to react.
"I didn't want you to get used to me being there, beside you. I know that it'll be hard for you to leave if I was in the picture.. so I just chose not to be a part of it. I didn't put a label to our relationship for the same reason. I figured that it'll hurt less for the both of us if there wasn't even an us, to begin with. That's why I was holding back, why I didn't want you nor myself to get too attached, for you to be able to go and reach your dreams without me holding you back."
Jiwoo had always seen Jinsol's love as a wave as it comes and goes, making you drown when too strong, but today she had realized one thing: it was actually pushing her to a different island, the one with more trees, the one that'll give her more opportunities.
(But Jiwoo wanted to stay at the current one, she didn't wanna leave.)
"No, Jinsol, you should have told me! You shouldn't have decided things on your own!" Jiwoo's voice was loud, almost shouting, but unlike her outbursts earlier, there wasn't any lacing venom in her voice. "It didn't hurt any less, it hurts more having those constant what if's running in my mind: What if you stayed? What if I didn't ask you to leave? What if you loved me—"
"Can I tell you a secret?" Jinsol suddenly asked, cutting the younger off.
"What?" At this moment, why would she suddenly tell a secret? Jiwoo thinks that Jinsol will never stop making her confused.
"I care about you."
Jinsol's voice was soft, sweet, calming; It was the same voice that calms her mind whenever she tends to overthink, the one that lulls her to sleep, the one that makes the bitterness of the world sweet.
Usually, she would feel at ease whenever she hears that voice, but now it only made her mind more of a mess.
"What? Jinsol, you always tell me that—"
"That's my way of saying I love you." Again, Jinsol had cut her off before she could even put her confusion into words.
"Wha— what are you talking about?" Jiwoo's brain refused to acknowledge the new information that she was given, but her previously dead heart, on the other hand, is full of hope and going wild.
"That night when you asked me if I did love you or genuinely liked you at least, I told you that I care about you," Jinsol says as she walks closer towards the latter, only stopping when she's only a couple of feet away from her. "I love you, that's what I meant."
Hearing those words, Jiwoo's heart momentarily stops beating, then it started losing control.
She tried to recall all the times Jinsol had told her those words; She remembered all the times that they've spent together—Jinsol always tells her that, every day, without fail.
Jinsol had always cared about her—she had always loved her.
("Jiwoo?" Jinsol calls her one time when the older came over to her house after Jiwoo had called her saying that she couldn't sleep. "I care about you." Was the last thing that Jiwoo heard before she fell asleep—she slept with a huge smile on her face that night.)
"You love me?" Jiwoo quietly asked.
Jinsol's lips slightly tugged upwards when she saw the faint blush on the girl's cheek.
"Do you remember all those gifts that the others gave you back then?" She asked instead of answering the question of the latter. "The flowers from either Sooyoung or Haseul whenever you have a recital or any performance, the foods from Hyunjin and Vivi unnie whenever you forget to eat, the plushies from Yerim and Yeojin whenever you had a bad day, do you remember them?"
Jiwoo nods.
The happiness that those gifts had given her is more than anyone could ever imagine so how could she possibly forget?
"It was all from me."
"But that was before the thing that we had even started."
"You've always thought that you were the first and the only one who fell in love," Jinsol takes a step closer. "But I loved you first, and until now, I'm still in love with you."
Jinsol couldn't save Jiwoo from drowning not because she was afraid, but because she was the first one to drown.
She couldn't tell the younger all the words that her heart had formed with the water continuously filling her lungs whenever she tries to open her mouth.
But today Jinsol came to realize that all this time, she was drowning in a pond thinking it was the ocean; she got on her feet and looked for Jiwoo, and when she saw her, she grabbed her hand, helping her out—she finally saved her.
"You know, I tried. I really did," Jinsol sucks in a deep breath as she takes in the captivating beauty of the latter; she looks more heavenly up close. "But no matter how hard I try, I just couldn't stop myself from falling in love with you."
After feeling nothing but the sharp ripples of pain from all the bruises, cuts, and wounds that filled not just her heart but as well as her soul from that moment when Jinsol left and closed the door, Jiwoo felt the same feeling that she had when Jinsol smiled at her for the first time—love.
All the things that Jinsol had said were all the things that Jiwoo had dreamt of hearing; to finally hear those words, that had blossomed in her heart as soon as it flowed from the latter's lips, still feels like a dream.
And maybe this could be a dream and Jiwoo could wake up any second and continue living in her painful reality but if this really is a dream then the first thing that she'll do when she wakes up is to grab a pen, open her diary, and write every second of this dream so that it'll be marked in her memory.
"Can I tell you a secret?" Jiwoo softly asked.
"Of course."
Maybe it was the way the older looked at her with that fond gaze or maybe it's the way her lips is beautifully shaped with that sincere smile, but Jiwoo was just so sure that this time, she could tell Jinsol anything, and the latter would keep it enclosed in her heart.
"I'm actually not drunk."
It was honestly different from what Jinsol had expected; nevertheless, she still finds the girl endearing. "You're not?"
"Yes, you dummy." She giggled, unconsciously hitting the other girl's chest; Jinsol didn't really mind. "I wouldn't be able to talk to you and comprehend everything that you've said if I was. I just made you think that so that it'll be less embarrassing when I pour all my feelings out and you just end up breaking my heart again."
"I'd be the stupidest person in the world if I do that again."
(There's no way Jinsol's doing that again.)
(She's done being dumb.)
"You're still stupid for breaking my heart the first time." If the Jiwoo ten minutes ago had told her this, it would've stab her in the chest, but it was told by the Jiwoo that she had just saved, so it didn't really hurt as much.
"Yeah, I know." Jinsol inwardly grimaces remembering what she did to the younger. "Jungeun and Hyejoo told me that while grabbing my collar, Heejin sent me a drawing of myself with the word stupid on top of it, Chaewon and Hyejoo, for the second time, asked me to play PUBG with them and told me that after killing me, and the others mostly calls me that on a daily basis, so I'm pretty aware of how stupid I—"
All the words had died down on Jinsol's throat when a pair of lips were placed upon her own, the lips that she missed, the lips owned by the girl whom she loves.
Surprised, Jinsol didn't move her lips at first, but when she was finally able to have a grasp on what's happening, her arms swiftly snaked around Jiwoo's waist, the latter placing hers loosely around her neck.
They didn't feel any fireworks exploding nor any butterflies going wild; they felt air replacing the water that had filled their lungs after drowning and losing themselves for too long, they could feel every bit of themselves after a month of feeling nothing—they felt alive, again.
And with every movement of her lips, Jinsol has all her feelings poured out, Jiwoo doing the same; their lips moves to write letters, to form them into words, and to tell the phrase that they've built with every ounce of their soul: I'm yours and you are mine.
It was cold and their lips were slightly chapped, but this, this kiss is certainly their favorite, because with this kiss, they know, that there'll be more kisses that'll follow.
Their kiss lasted until Jiwoo pulls away.
She was left breathless, her gaze hazy, and her cheeks tainted with the hue of red, and with their arms still around each other, she looked at Jinsol. "Can I tell you another secret?"
Still too flustered to utter a reply, Jinsol could only nod her head as an answer.
And Jinsol saw the smile that she had gotten used to seeing on Jiwoo's face—her famous megawatt smile.
"I care about you, a lot."
Like a flower, a smile blossomed on Jinsol's lips, and since her lips would form nothing but a frown if it weren't for Jiwoo, Jinsol made sure to let her know her importance in the older's life; she carefully placed her hand on each side of Jiwoo's face before planting a soft lingering kiss on her forehead.
"I love you, too, Jiwoo."
They stayed like that for a while, just staring at each other, communicating with their eyes; in their eyes, the message was visibly clear: I love you
"Jinsol?" Jiwoo asked as she watched the older pour a hot drink for both of them.
Jiwoo had sneezed while they were outside due to the cold weather so Jinsol had quickly pulled her inside her house and wrapped the slightly smaller girl with layers of blanket before going to the kitchen to prepare some hot chocolate.
(Of course, Jiwoo, who looks like a walking burrito with all those blankets on her, followed her to the kitchen—she refused to let her out of her sight again.)
"Yeah?" Jinsol walked over to her, placed the two cups of hot beverage on the table, and sat across the girl.
"The offer that I got," Jiwoo says before taking a small sip from her cup. "I didn't accept it."
"What? Why?" Jinsol was about to grab her cup but stopped midway.
"The conditions that they had were a little off. I and my mom thought that it'll be a little risky." She simply shrugged.
Seeing that the older was looking at her with her eyebrows creased, Jiwoo reached for her hand across the table, giving it a squeeze. "And I have another reason to stay," with a smile, she added, "I have you."
With her heart screaming, telling her to do something, Jinsol lifts Jiwoo's hand close to her lips, placing wet little kisses on the back of her hand, her knuckles, her palm, and her wrist, eliciting cute little giggles from the latter.
"I care about you, Jiwoo, so damn much."
And Jiwoo was really glad that she stayed, and that Jinsol came back.
"I care about you, too, Jinsol, a lot."
They are each other's lifeguard; they're never letting each other drown again.