Fake Smile
Emily could feel the sinking dread from the moment they got into Aaron’s car. Something about driving home gave her stomach turning nausea, the weight of the world falling back on her shoulders when she walked up her front steps.
She leaned her forehead against the window, eyes unfocused as the houses and storefronts blurred into one constant motion. Her fingers fiddled with the radio dial, pretending not to notice when Aaron rolled his eyes. He laid a hand on her fingers, pulling them away from the dial.
“Why don’t we listen to one song instead of all of them?”
Emily made a small noise, something akin to an understanding hum.
JJ’s presence in the back seat was stifling and she almost regretted inviting her, but the way she smiled and goofed off with them made it well worth it. And she was jealous - so fucking jealous of Jennifer Jareau and her perfect little family that she could spit or cry or scream - but she would never say a word, never dare to speak out.
When cold, nimble fingers made contact with the back of her neck, Emily felt a shiver run down her spine. She picked her head up off the window, turning around and finding herself held captive by JJ’s bright blue eyes. Fuck, she didn’t know if she could ever look away.
“You okay?”
And god damn, her voice was so gentle that Emily wanted to cry. But she wouldn’t, she was poised like that, years of her mother drilling it into her head. She didn’t let her eyes water, let the tears she felt bubbling in her chest leak out.
Instead she smiled, a plasticine upturn of her lips that didn’t quite meet her eyes.
“Yeah, I’m good. Just a migraine.”
“Another migraine? This is what, the third one this week?”
Hotch looked over at her, concern etched onto his features, but the dopey boyish smile remained. He was young and fun, looked at Emily like she was the entire universe and it was suffocating - and she wasn’t sure how that made her feel.
She loved him, so truly and purely, and his boyish face and awkward, lanky body, not yet accustomed to his height and newfound strength through football. The way his brown hair fell into his eyes, unruly and too long. The facial hair he was so proud of even though it was growing in patchy around his lopsided smile, the one she adored so much.
“Yeah, I get migraines when I’m stressed.”
Emily knew that JJ could pick up on her lie, watched the way her lips thinned out in a pursed line, corners of her lips turning down. She nodded, eyes steely in some sort of look, a signal Emily didn’t quite pick up on. Something informal and, dare she say it, friendly?
“Maybe it’s because school starts soon.”
“Yeah, Em, maybe that’s it. I’m stressed about French this year.”
She made a small noise, turning to stare out the window to quell the flipping her stomach was doing. It did little to relieve her of the guilt, and she huffed when she couldn’t figure out why she felt that way.
It was easier when Jennifer didn’t sit in the back seat, blue eyes boring a hole into the back of Emily’s head as she sat, a novel always unfolded in her lap but never a classic, never paying attention to the words on the page. She liked her, quite a bit for someone below her social status - something her mother drilled into her head from a young age but she tried to shake as much as she could.
They pulled up to her house, Aaron stopping the car and looking at her with that boyish smile, the way he always did but it was different this time. It felt different somehow, in a way she couldn’t quite place.
“This is your stop. Thanks for letting Jayje tag along today.”
“Yeah, I hate being the third wheel but I had fun today, I —“
Emily turned, steely gaze cutting JJ off. She wasn’t sure why she cared so much - why she felt so protective of Jennifer, chalked it up to her being Aaron’s best friend and the fact that Aaron was her boyfriend.
“You’re not intruding on anything, don’t you get that? I wanted you to come today, that’s why we asked. It’s the mall, not a date.” She pursed her lips for a second, shaking her head and painting a smile on her face. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. But I had fun today too. We should go out more often.”
Her hand lingered on the door, a soft smile when Aaron pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek. Emily swung her legs out of the car, standing up and leaning back in to shoot a small, shy smile and wave to Jennifer. She pretended not to notice the way her face reddened with a blush, the way her blue eyes twinkled.
“Bye, guys. Thanks for inviting me!”
As she walked up the front steps, Emily felt the familiar weight fall back on her shoulders — the weight of not being enough, not ever having been enough, societal and academic pressures alike. She sighed, pulling her hair from the ponytail she loved so much and ruffling her bangs out to fall over her forehead perfectly. Her hair was creased, but it would have to do.
When she stepped inside she sighed — at least the onslaught of yelling and berating from her mother would wait a few minutes.
She caught her sitting at the table, legs perfectly folded and hand wrapped around a crystal glass from their finest China, full of an amber liquid. She reeked, stunk of alcohol and cigars, and Emily wrinkled her nose. Her other hand tapped at the table, perfectly manicured nails clicking away against the surface. There was a look of displeasure on her mother’s face, etched deep into her features.
Emily wondered if she ever actually looked happy.
“Off with that Hotchner boy again?”
She nodded, arms folding across her chest. This was always the worst, when her mother wanted to alienate any friends she had ever made if they weren’t high enough socially. Emily nearly rolled her eyes but thought better of herself, knowing the amount of trouble she would be in for disrespecting her mother.
“How many times do I have to tell you, Emily? That isn’t a life you want for yourself. No one wants that.”
“What isn’t a life I want? One where I’m loved? Where I’m not treated like a pawn?”
There was a thick silence in the room, full of tension and anger. Emily felt like she was vibrating, felt the small shake of her hands in her pockets but didn’t let on — didn’t show her weakness.
Her chest felt constructed and tight, a common occurrence when she talked to her mother. Ms. Blake said that was called anxiety, not that Elizabeth would ever believe that. She sighed, tugging a hand through her hair before looking pointedly at her mother.
“I like being friends with Jennifer. I love Aaron.” She wasn’t sure of either of those things, but she knew her mother wouldn’t give up without a defense.
“Oh, that Jareau girl?”
Emily nodded, glimmer of hopeful happiness in her stomach that was promptly crushed when her mother’s face contorted into one of disgust and annoyance. Why did her mother have to ruin everything?
“Those aren’t the sorts of people you need to associate with, Emily.”
“Why not? Give me one good reason.”
Her eyes locked on her mother’s, jaw set and wearing an expression of matching disgust. If she didn’t expect Emily to fight back, she shouldn’t have taught her so well.
“She’s poor, her parents are godless, she’s not like us.”
Emily felt a spark of something at the way her mother talked about Jennifer, and she was a little taken aback by it. Why did it bother her so badly? Why did she want to jump to Jen’s defense but never Aaron’s? She took a deep breath, felt her chest shake as she tried to refocus her thoughts.
“She’s not like us, or she’s not like you? Listen, mom…” Emily sighed, scrubbing her hand over her face before shaking her head. “I don’t want to argue about my friends. But Jennifer and Aaron mean a lot to me, I don’t want to stop being friends just because they don’t… they aren’t…”
“Like us.” Elizabeth took a long pull from her glass, looking pointedly at Emily over the rim. “Why don’t you make friends with Elle? I like her parents.”
“You like her parents because they’re rich. I don’t like them.” She wanted to add that Elle was a bitch, but thought better of herself.
There was another beat of silence between them, Elizabeth slurping out of her glass in a rather unladylike way. Emily suppressed the urge to roll her eyes, knowing it would only make the tension worse. She tried to think of a way to end the conversation, to be excused to her bedroom.
“I have to go catch up on my required readings.”
Elizabeth nodded, a look in her eyes that she wouldn’t let it go quite yet, but she was done for the night. She took it as her cue to exit, darting from the room before her mother could call her back.
When she got to her room she unlocked the window, climbing out onto the roof and feeling a relief wash over her. Here, there was no pressure to perform, no pressure to say the right things at the right time. Here, she could just be Emily, the person she hasn’t truly figured out yet but she didn’t have to — she didn’t have to know everything all the time.
She tried to live outside of her parents' influence, to love who she wanted and to be friends with who she wanted, but it was hard. It was hard to put on the same plasticine smile day after day when she could tell her parents weren’t truly happy, that they didn’t want to be there.
With a soft sigh, Emily pulled her phone out and flicked through her contacts, desperate for some sort of interaction. Fake friends, her parents’ friends, kids from the cotillion classes her mother had her in...and two other names. Aaron and Jennifer. Her finger hovered over Aaron’s name, contemplating for a second.
He was her boyfriend, she was supposed to call him with any issues she had, but he just wouldn’t get it. In a split second decision, her finger moved and tapped, bringing the phone up to her ear. She smiled when the line connected after the second ring, a genuine half smile that reached her eyes.
“Hey, Jen… are you busy right now?”